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Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 01/01/2020 17:40

Just not a good day... my head and my heart are refusing to consign Dad to last year... I can't let go - to think he won't be a part of 2020 is like a knife twisting inside me. He was utterly heartbroken when he knew he was leaving us - and all we could say was that we'd take care of him (and I think we did - for a few short weeks until the illness took over) I don't know what I ever expected losing a parent would ever feel like - but I had no idea it would be so so heart-achingly all-consumingly painful

Emmapeeler1 · 01/01/2020 17:52

Sending love @Lou898. I am so sorry you are having to deal with losing both your parents in one year. Flowers

@VLCos I agree, grief is totally draining and exhausting. I read a quote by someone saying that grief felt a bit like fear and that’s the only way I can describe how I felt at first.

Emmapeeler1 · 01/01/2020 17:59

Sending hugs @Mother87

It must have been so heartbreaking for you all to know you were losing your Dad, and for him to know it too. I am sure he took great comfort that you were there looking after him. Flowers

VLCos · 01/01/2020 18:07

@Mother87 sending hugs

@Emmapeeler1 the quote rings true
Grief is very much like fear , fear of different , fear of unknown and fear and things never being the same again .

Well its 1st of January and my dad died 30th December . Its already moved on to a new year without him .

We had a good day , my brother came we made it a nice time for our children and we laughed and joked about dad and his ways .

My brother shows no emotion but his wife told me he had run a bath for him and she could hear him sobbing as he sat in the bath.

Mother87 · 01/01/2020 18:56

VLCos/EmmaPeeler - thank you for the hugs - really... I'm sitting here sobbing and wondering how I'll ever get used to missing him... it's just over 3 months for us - but I had over 50 years of seeing him nearly every day so I suppose it's a big ask to 'recover' or acclimatise in some way. But i miss him every second
Thigh - you've got the right idea - massage is the way forward (still)...

Apolloanddaphne · 01/01/2020 19:11

I lost my dad at the beginning of August. I haven't even begun to process it. I am terrified I will lose it completely if I dwell on the loss too long. I quite honestly am lost. I will read this thread and see if I can glean anything helpful.

Lou898 · 01/01/2020 19:46

Thank you for your support...it means a lot to be able to vent a bit on here and know someone is there.

Apollo ..I know what you mean. When I lost dad in January I’d been ok ...I’d cried but felt in control. I was walking one day (something I’d started to do just to have some time myself) a walk id done so many times and I could see a couple walking towards me and I don’t know why but I started to become emotional and I truly thought at that moment if I let go I’d have totally lost it. If it hadn’t have been for that couple and me not wanting to embarrass them or myself I’d have had a melt down. They made me keep it together. I’ve no idea whether it was a good or bad thing. I’m now nearly 12 months on and lost my mum 3 weeks ago. I too am terrified with the funeral coming on the 9th that I might lose it too with it all coming to a head. Sending you a genuine hug from someone who can say they know how you feel.

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/01/2020 20:12

I've had a nice day. I was very scared of the new year but these man made markers of time don't mean anything really. I lost Dad a second ago, 100 years ago, I've lost him. I've accepted i was always be sad about being without him.

Emmapeeler1 · 01/01/2020 20:27

I am the same @Apolloanddaphne. We lost Dad in June and I kept myself stupidly busy, probably to avoid thinking about it. I really need to give myself time to reflect now. I don’t think I was ready before.

@VLCos such early days, my heart goes out to your family. Talking about fond and funny memories is so good for kids, and for us. I talk to mine about Dad all the time as I am so worried my son won’t remember him and he was the apple of my Dad’s eye. My sister and brother don’t really show their emotions either.

@Mother87 that is a big adjustment. I don’t live in the same area as my parents anymore but I go home it’s almost unbearable, as the house where we grew up just exudes his presence. When I am here I can pretend I just haven’t seen him for a while. Every day for 50 years to not at all is a huge adjustment and it will take time. It’s hard to believe I haven’t seen mine since May, it feels like both a lifetime and five minutes ago.

I listened to some of Dad’s music earlier. I still find this hard but I do it every so often to feel close to him.

Mother87 · 01/01/2020 20:34

EmmaPeeler... I listen to dad's music when i'm alone/driving as i'm usually sobbing but heartened - it's all so bittersweet this grieving stuff...

Emmapeeler1 · 01/01/2020 20:34

I lost Dad a second ago, 100 years ago

I feel like this too thigh. I will always feel sad I just need now to feel ok about that. I’m getting there slowly.

Planning some resolutions in his honour this year. Like planting bulbs (for once!)

VLCos · 01/01/2020 20:53

@Emmapeeler1 I worry about that to my children forgetting my dad . He was the best grandad .

My nephews who are 18 and 15 came today but in floods of tears . They never show emotions but they both feel guilty they choose to do fun things over Christmas which meant they didnt see him

Mother87 · 01/01/2020 21:19

VLCos - your children were lucky to have him weren't they... We found a "World's Best Grandad" badge for my dad one year - and he was always dressed smartly in his suits & cufflinks, but still wore his badge on his waistcoatGrinHe was always chatting to people everywhere we went and it made them smile...

VLCos · 01/01/2020 22:01

@Mother87 they were very lucky , just wished he could have been with them longer

Aww I bet your dad loved that badge and wore it with pride !! He sounds lovely.

Evenings are the worst , I know it's only my 3rd evening but it's the time you looks at pictures, comments, read cards people have sent .

My mum has spent the last 3 nights alone , she wont let any of us stay . I know shes been sleeping on the sofa . I cant imagine what she is going through.

Mother87 · 01/01/2020 22:06

VLCos - it's never ever long enough is it... I knew this would happen one day of course - but it's still too too soonThanksfor all of us am sure

Didiplanthis · 02/01/2020 18:09

My dad spent NYE on his own. He was adamant he was fine because the neighbours had said about him.coming round to them for drinks and he really wants to keep up and strengthen friendships for himself.... and then they obviously forgot about him and went out. My heart was breaking for him. Its only been 3 weeks and already everyone is forgetting...

orangejuicer · 02/01/2020 22:01

May I join this thread?

I lost my mum to cancer in April 2017.
I just feel lost and alone in the world without her.

She really was the best mum and my best friend. I miss her terribly and this festive break has been the hardest so far (I had my DS last November so we were all a bit busy. I know she would have adored him which makes it that much worse. I need her help and advice).

It's her birthday at the end of this month so that tends to make it harder.

Thank you for listening. It's not always easy to talk to people in real life who aren't my close family (who are dealing with the same thing).

Mother87 · 03/01/2020 00:10

Sorry for your loss orangejuicer - no other words really... it's tough isn't it. I'm no 'expert' (thank goodness) but I lost my beloved Dad in September and it really hasn't sunk in yet. You're right about this thread - it's been a safe and welcoming place where you can 'talk' about anything, sometimes about things that people in real life don't always have the patience or compassion to listen to...Or they think we should be getting on with things. I hope you're enjoying your 'new' DS...Thanks

calay · 03/01/2020 00:32

Almost 2 weeks now since I watched my Dad pass away. I know he's gone, I accept that but feel I'm still dealing with the illness/symptoms I witnessed in those weeks before he died and keep reliving it all in detail. Hardly sleep anymore at night, hate being alone, my mind races around thinking of such random things. The funeral is at the end of the month, I hope I'm strong enough through it. I'm all over the place at the moment.

Sinjistalk · 03/01/2020 13:13

Checking in for the first time since mum died on 30 September. Feeling overwhelmed by grief these last few days. She is constantly on my mind since we lost her & Christmas was hard without her, but facing a new year is so painful. Also struggling with sorting out her estate - I know I should have sorted it by now but haven’t been able to face it.
Flowers for everyone

Mother87 · 04/01/2020 11:09

Sinjistalk - I don't think there's any 'should have sorted by now' with these matters... we're all grieving and adjusting, so sometimes the admin/sorting stuff can just seem too daunting/misery-making. I know i've got stuff of dad's to sort (to help DM with) but I've always got to be in the 'right' mood to face it as inevitably it involves going through lots of paperwork/things that make me stop and cry... you'll get there - we all will x

loopykay · 05/01/2020 11:10

Does anyone dream that it was all a misunderstanding/mistake/miracle and your parent is actually ok? I've had several of these, they bring mixed emotions. It's been 2 weeks now since my Dad passed away. I've dreamt about him nearly every time I've slept. I'm exhausted and my body aches.

VLCos · 05/01/2020 14:37

@loopykay sorry for your loss Flowers

My dad died suddenly on Dec 30th it seems like a long time ago and in another way it seems like yesterday.

I kept torturing myself with this time last week . I dream of him every night and my mind still doesn't believe hes gone . I keep thinking he will walk in as he hasnt really gone

Mother87 · 05/01/2020 17:17

Loopykay - i've only had a couple of these dreams, and woken up sobbing... but there IS something in my head that just refuses to 'accept' that my beloved dad has gone (in September after a short illness)... because it seems unimaginable that he would EVER not be here... all very 'strange' to grasp from where my head/heart are sitting tbh...

Didiplanthis · 05/01/2020 17:27

Mums funeral tomorrow... I havent processed her death at all. I cant get my head round its HER funeral ??? I've chosen songs and music she will love.. but it cant be her in the coffin somehow. I dont think I understand.... I'm also worried my anger at my brother will show, for his self centred behaviour and lack of presence before, during and after her death. But it cant. She so wanted us to be close.... I feel like I'm in a play ??

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