Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Hi Wren77 - i know what you mean about being grumpy more than usual in my case at least you can let it all out here... I'm worried about 'leaving dad behind' in 2019 - he was here only weeks ago, and now we and the world will all move forward... I don't know how they all manage it

@Lou898 I am so very sorry for your loss, what a hard year you have had.

@Mother87 I still look for my Dad now, I expect him to be waving me off or opening the front door to say Hello. When he first died it was all the time, I would spot ‘him’ in the crowd like my brain was confused and trying to find him.

I was thinking today about the guilt thing, as when I was here at Easter I got annoyed about something inconsequential, probably washing up related. I would also give anything to have him here, driving me mad! Lou I can quite imagine how you felt overwhelmed visiting every weekend when you have a family of you your own. It’s completely normal that you felt that way and you should not feel guilty after all you did to support your mum.

@JaceLancs I was a bit wobbly yesterday too. We toasted Dad this evening with a nice bottle of his wine.

@Wren77 I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I also had feelings of anger, towards my siblings mainly, but I just generally feel a lot less inclined to take any shit.

EmmaPeeler1

And so everyone managed to get through the last two days, although like me , you all had your sad moments, now onwards to face New Year's Eve, which I found worse than Christmas Day.
The main problem is telling people who ask " yes I lost mum / dad last year " it all so sounds so long ago, so in the end I would just say " I lost mum last October "
But all the recent posters, well done on getting through one of the dreaded " firsts"
I hope that when all these days are past, you will all be able to find some acceptance , although I know hard it is.

Mummylin... thank you for more words of encouragement - they always feel like a hug. I don't know if i'm doing well/ok/rubbish. I suppose like many of us, i'm just 'doing'. Slept with one of dad's hats last night - a kind of soft tatty one he used to wear around the house - it still smells of his brylcreem...I dried my tears with it until I fell asleep. Yes, new year looming - I think I'll say 'September' rather than 'last year' if anyone asks. We're going away for a couple of days with DM/the GC's - and I've packed a sort of mini-incense/photo of dad 'kit' so I can still 'talk' to him and light the incense a few times - not sure what DH will think, but I'd feel like I was abandoning Dad otherwise. Thanks for being around and checking-in... it's a long-haul this bereavement stuff isn't it... x

I did get to spend a day with OH's side of the family who are lovely and all of whom have lost parents in traumatic ways (much worse than the way I lost Mum) and there was a baby - so that was not difficult at all.
The tricky bit will be seeing some elderly relatives on my side whose own history means they literally do not know what it's like to lose a loving parent-type figure. When the OH lost his Dad (who I loved very much too) there were some quite tin-eared remarks made and there's just that low level stress about keeping control of the topics of conversation and, you know, stopping to think of suitably neutral responses sometimes. But it's not as if I expect to have many more years with them so I don't want to avoid them either.

It was sad making mince pies as Mum was a great cook and now it's just my cackhanded efforts. I kept on thinking I would tell her about it and of course I won't :'(
@Lou898 I am so sorry that happened. 💐

Almost a week now since my Dad died, this time last week I could still go see him. I can't quite get my head around all this.

Now begins the funeral planning. Just listening to some music to find something fitting. It's tearing me apart. How can I cope listening to stuff like that in public?

He wasn't really a music fan but I want something to represent what he meant to everyone, especially as a Dad, any ideas?

My ups funeral is not until 9th Jan and I’m looking for music too. I’m in a bit of a dilemma. My brother has not been around for my mum. Appeared when dad died in January stuck around for a bit then not been seen since March. I rang him when mum went into hospital and he visited every day and I phoned him when the hospital called to say she was j likely to see the day out so was there at the end. I want to have a song that says what I feel about my mum but not sure what his reaction will be as it might not be what he wants. Not discussed it yet. I’d like Jealous of the angels by Donna Taggart.
Mum chose dads end music ...Time to say goodbye

Mums not ups

Lou I’d go with the song you want for the end music but maybe see if your brother would like something included at some point as well if that would work depending on what type of service you’re having.

That’s sad he’s not been around for all that time presuming he lives in the same country

I’m having a bad day/night think it’s the looming new year, a friend who lost her dad in 2018 said she started to feel better once she was past the one year mark so hoping the same is true for me. I’m really dreading the ‘this time last year’ that’s coming up for me soon.

@Annunciata333 ...he’s in the same city as my mum was probably similar distance away to me although I’m in a different city. Mum and him had words ( mum never told me the full story only it wasn’t that bad) and he stormed out. Mum phoned him but he never responded. He sent her a card from Rome 3 weeks before she died to say he was spending a few days there and “we need to talk”. She rang him but he was in a meeting and said he’d call but never did.

Hugs to everyone today.

I found some of the comments from people who haven’t lost a parent figure difficult too at times. There is this smiley, sympathetic nod, followed by a complete change of the subject that I have noticed a lot.

Also on the day he died, it was Father’s Day and there was a thread where I mentioned my Dad had just died and someone said it was alright for me because I am over 40 The thread wasn’t in the bereavement section I might add!

Lou I would also go with what you want, as it means a lot to you, and just ask your brother if he’d like to choose another song or poem for the service.

@Annunciata333 I am already dreading June and the year mark. Hoping things will start to feel less surreal and more ‘normal’ after that. I feel like I am currently still reeling from him being here one minute and gone the next and I know my mum is too. She gets on with things but just looks so sad all the time.

I know I should be looking at eulogies etc but my mum didn’t want one that went through her life piece by piece. My dad didn’t either so I wrote something which I felt more appropriate. I’m struggling a bit with mum as I want to do her proud but just don’t know how to start it. With dad it just seemed so much easier.
Mums funeral is on the 9th Jan and my dads first anniversary will be on the 11th. Will be a tough week.
@Emmapeeler. I hope you do start to feel better, I just feel like it’s all unreal. Almost like it hasn’t happened. It’s hard at home because everyone seems to be just getting on with things and I feel if I cry they’d be wondering why as little emotion has been shown by my sons since the initial hospital visit and announcement she’d died. I’m still devastated at losing my dad in Jan but feel almost emotionless now. Not sure if it’s my body’s coping mechanism as I’m not well either - just general cold cough etc.nothing serious.
I have found this thread useful and Am so grateful to those who have responded it means a lot x

My mums funeral is 2nd week of jan too. I've been looking at music. It's hard to find the right thing. Not too 'churchy', not too sad, not too frivolous. My brother was there at the end but not really before or since either so we are going with what me and my dad want. We asked for his input with hymns or prayers but he didnt even reply....

The time between the death and the funeral is so hard - especially in this weird post Christmas phase when no one seems to know what day it is and the things that looked so sparkly and magic on Christmas eve look tarnished and tatty. That's what my house looks like anyway!! I am itching to take everything down but I think I would get lynched!

Regarding music my sibling set up a spotify account (for the gathering afterwards) so that we could all add tunes to that reminded us of mum - whether it be because the lyrics spoke to us in some way or the tune was one from her 'era'. There were loads at the end and was a helpful activity in that it was quiet and reflective and meant time was given to just focus on her.

I chose upbeat an upbeat hymn for the funeral - just because I felt that through all her battles she was an incredibly positive and grateful person. We also had a happy 'exit' song to reflect our gratitude for her love and what it meant to us.

We chose to be pall bearers and selected a beautiful piece by Debussy to carry her to the front of the chapel. We each said a little something too.

It was only 4 weeks ago. Feels like yesterday some days and then a century ago on other days.

We siblings supported each other really well during this period. So sorry for those dealing with it alone. I truly wouldn't have known what to do.

Sending love xx

I've found a song which fits well with how I'm feeling about my Dad, it's called going home and the beautiful Irish accent of the man singing adds the right emotion. It is quite sad but feels right, (it also reminds me a bit of the music from the hovis advert) I was thinking of playing it at the very end. I'm thinking about keeping the curtains open, any thoughts?

I was thinking the theme from Last of the summer wine as he is carried in. It's actually quite a nice tune and my Dad loved the show.

st43 we kept the curtains open, i would have found it hard not to see him safely on his way.

After Dad's Taoist Blessing at the crematorium - we (me/DB/DD) were asked into a room behind where the service took place. We hadn't expected/known about this but it was 'ok'/optional I guess. The lady monk also accompanied us and placed a paper lotus flower/prayer on top of Dad's coffin. The room was quite bare except for one wall which had 3/4 sets of steel doors - and we could feel the heat. The director asked us if wanted to 'witness the charge' (or something like that) and we all mutely nodded yes - withou really knowing what he meant.

We 'spoke' to Dad, said final farewells and sort of patted the coffin and a button was pressed and the steel doors opened... Dad's coffin was slid over steel rollers into the oven and that was that... I'd never heard anyone's similar account before, but I was kind of ok with being there until the very last possible moment...⛩ The day couldn't have been more sad anyway😌

Excuse typos...

Am also worried about going into the new year - and leaving Dad behind... it feels unbearable, that there's a year about to begin without him in it - how does everyone manage. He was here in September and I could still hold his hand as he was fading - but we had a few smiles, and a bit of hope till it all went the wrong way. And my heart is in pieces and feels like it will be forever

I’m mostly ok about new year
Going over to a friends NYE with DP and staying the night - it’s quite low key just the 3 of us
Taking DM out for meal on New Year’s Day with DS DD and DD partner
I’m looking forward to January - mainly because I’ve got 2 holidays arranged (both booked before Dad died)

JaceLancs - that sounds chilled... I want to go away too but something's stopping me booking anything, just haven't got my mojo back since dad passed away. But I DO need to do stuff/plan stuff