Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Claracracker no need to apologise. It hits us all in different ways. Sending love to you and everyone else going through this.

I know it's part of life but you never think it will happen to you.

Feellikeanalien - i couldn't agree more, yes it's a part of life etc etc...but that doesn't make it any less painful - and i know we all get here but gawd it's beyond tough isn't it. My DDaddy's been gone 3 months and am struggling to accept/believe/see the point in ANYTHING...And he was 89 so I believe I'm supposed to be even more 'accepting' somehow. I AM eternally greatful that we had him for so long, and in robust health (until he wasn't) - but that means even more years of being used to having him around. i feel like a shadow, like there'll never be a happy time again. But being on here has helped - and at least it's a safe space to talk about all aspects of our parents' passing. And mummylin and others who are further along this road, have said that it DOES get easier, that we learn to live with it...

Well i thought i was done with the messy blubbering. Apparently not, I'm back to having shar-pei eyebags again. Stupid festive season and balls to Christmas music.

I’m so sorry to see all the new posters joining us especially at this time of year, not that any time is good but I remember from my Dad dying just before Christmas (13 years ago now) how hard it was seeing everyone celebrating with their families, having to make the calls to family overseas knowing it would ruin their Christmas too and from a practical point of view we had to wait ages to be able to start organising anything so were just sat around in this awful unreal limbo.

Me and Mum never really bothered too much with Christmas after that (no kids/grandkids to make the effort for) which I think makes it somewhat easier for me now this year now she’s gone as well.

I’m more dreading new year which is strange as I never spent that with Mum, but it’s going to be a new year starting and the first one she’s not going to be here for. I’m also dreading the whole ‘this time last year thing’ as it was January when she first mentioned feeling unwell and then of course everything spiralled from there till she died at the end of March. I’m starting counselling in the new year which I’m hoping will help get me through. I still feel terribly empty and lonely, I have a busy job and lots of friends but Mum was my only family so I’m not sure that’s ever going to go away now.

Hello everyone, well I'm sure that some of you will be thinking of the coming few days with trepidation. You may very well find it won't be as bad as you fear, yes it will be sad but there will still be things to enjoy with your families. I hope that despite your fears you have all managed to do the normal things we find ourselves having to do at this time of the year. Raise a glass of something and drink a toast to your beloved parent, they are still with us in our hearts. Finally I really really hope that you will all find some peace in the not to distant future. Have the best Christmas possible in the circumstances. 🎄

@PanannyPanoo @Didiplanthis (@Claracracker too?), Snap, snap and snap.
There has been the odd tear but not much emotion with it.
I do feel like there's a huge lake of emotion under some very thick ice and I'm just on the wrong side of it.
That said, being at home for Xmas and not being in the office any more, I sort of feel ... a bit damp and subdued and unenthusiastic. I did go to the cinema a couple of days ago and frankly could have done with some sort of happy ending, surely that's not to much to ask but apparently so :/

A friend did say it hit her months later at another funeral fwiw. Anyway clearly this is not all that unusual. I guess it's not talked about because you feel a bit awkward complaining about not feeling worse .
But it's just ... Odd and unsettling?

Annunciata - also dreading New Year for similar reasons, the thought of a year starting without dad in it. In dad's culture/religion - we finish the first period of mourning tomorrow. 100 days since he passed away, but it feels like he's only just gone. We're 'allowed' to visit other's homes (non family) and be a bit more 'joyous' - except am feeling anything but... it's like someone's stamped on my spirit and nothing will ever be good/happy again yes i know i'm depressed and i AM on new meds etc etc

Unsettling is exactly the word. I just haven’t reacted how I expected. Friends who have lost parents have been devastated. I thought maybe it would hit me at the funeral but it didn’t. I hadn’t heard of anyone experiencing this and was beginning to think there was something wrong with me. So it’s reassuring that others go through similar.

Hi All, i have found myself searching for this thread again. This is the third Christmas without my Dad and I’ve found this year so much easier but tonight I’m feeling very weepy. My mum has dementia and is thankfully spending Christmas Day with her sister and family so for the first time every my husband and kids are spending Christmas on our own. Although I’m looking forward to tomorrow I can’t help feeling sad about all our loved ones who we can’t be with.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a parent this year. I found the first Christmas unbearable but it does get better. Xxxx

@Mother87 I also found the first new year very hard. It hit me worse than Christmas because I had been expecting that to be hard. I felt like I was leaving my Dad behind and the fact that I now had to say ‘my dad died last year’ made it sound like it was a long time ago when to me it felt like yesterday. Xx

I found new year more difficult than Christmas Day. I did nothing but sob because I then had to say that my mum had died last year. Christmas Day was bearable as I had lots of family around me.

Alibaba/Mummylin... thanks for reading... DM/I just saying that it seems so 'unfair' that dad's not here with us tonight... we've had his favourite Chinese food & he would have been lighting candles and a bit too much incense and then snoozing in 'his' chair

I'm on my second year of losing my Dad, I was with him until the end. I only now dealing with it a I was very difficult for me to even think about. My doctor has referred me to a bereavement counselor xx take each day as it comes

I'm dreading the new year too, it will be the first year Dad wasn't alive for any part of it.

Hi all,
I’ve not been on in a few months, it’s all been a haze. 6 months now since my lovely dad died suddenly. I have to “do” Christmas as I have a 5 year old, which so far has been good and bad, I’ve cried more but I’ve probably smiled more too. Dad loved Christmas and last year for the first in a long time we were all together so it’s hard but I’m so glad we had it.
My mum will be waking up alone tomorrow, I feel so bad about this but it seemed kinder somehow than us all staying with her and my children being excited tomorrow - now I’m not so sure ( we live 3 hours away). My sisters will be with her midday and us later in the afternoon but tonight I feel like I’ve let her down by not being there.
I hope tomorrow is better than everyone here thinks it’s going to be.

I’m taking comfort in not being the only one who doesn’t want the year to change and leave my Mum behind I’m feeling pretty ok about tomorrow but I’ve had a complete change in routine and am already away staying with friends so lots of distraction. I wasn’t sure whether to come here or not but glad I did now.

Inver I’m sure your Mum would have said if she didn’t want to be on her own in the morning, likely she’ll appreciate some time with her thoughts and memories but you could always call or facetime if you’re worried about her.

Hoping everyone gets through the day tomorrow as best they can in the circumstances and is able to find peace and comfort spending time with their loved ones and sharing happy memories of the one who’s missing

Hi All... well we got through it, which I suppose we were always going to do. Christmas Day without dad - god he was sorely missed... he would have been 'checking' everything in the kitchen, carving the meat, lighting the incense and candles...fussing and snoozing - I know DM and I were just 'aching' the whole day - but we made the most of it... hope you all got through yours ok...

Hello all, I have been thinking of you all on this thread today. Especially any newcomers as it must be a particularly hard time to lose a parent (not that any other time isn’t hard).

@Mother87 we made the most of it too, our first Christmas without my Dad but aching is the right word. I just looked in on DM before going to bed and she was sat in bed looking at photos of Dad at Christmas. He died so suddenly that we still can’t believe he is gone, let alone that we have just celebrated Christmas without him. We had a nice day but he was on my mind constantly, all day. Like your Dad he would have been at the heart of it all; filling up drinks, doing the dishwasher, snoozing on the sofa.

But it’s done and we are through. I am at mum’s for new year too and totally get that 2020 will feel weird because I will have to say he died last year, when it still feels like last month.

I lost my dad in January and mum had been struggling with his loss and although I cried when he died and at the funeral I had been too involved with looking after mum to really grieve fully. I had been visiting mum every Saturday but was feeling the strain of this as I work full time and have a family but had always continued to go. Well I had been on the Saturday and mum seemed quite upbeat and I had spoken to her on the Sunday evening about her day. She seemed fine. I got a phone call from the neighbour who’d heard a bang and then mum calling. The neighbour had called an ambulance before calling me and when I arrived and got into the house she had fallen upstairs. She was compos mentis and I did FAST test for stroke and was fine. I thought she’d broken her hip as was complaining of backache and pain in her side. Anyway to cut a long story short the ambulance took 3 hrs to come as not priority. In last 20 mins she seemed to deteriorate a little but thought this was due to being on the floor for 3 hours. When arrived at hospital they thought she’d had a stroke as had numbness in arm. What ended up being confirmed is she’d had a bleed in her brain which caused a stroke. I left her that night expecting she would maybe have some paralysis at worst. I got a call the following morning asking me to go and talk to consultant- he told me the bleed was massive and had worsened overnight and she wasn’t expected to survive more than a couple of days. I was so shocked. Mum survived another 6 days and died with me at her bedside. In the last day or so I wanted her to let go ...I knew she wanted to be with my dad. I cried when she finally went but since then apart from a couple of occasions ive not been able to cry and feel guilty about it. I also feel guilty about how I was feeling prior to her death (overwhelmed and sometimes annoyed when she phoned- sometimes 6+ times a day).
I thought Christmas Day would be difficult as I’ve always had them both for Christmas lunch and neither of them were here but I didn’t feel anything.
Due to Christmas and New year the funeral isn’t until 9th Jan and I’m worried I won’t feel anything or that I’ll completely lose it.
Sorry about the long post but just needed to put it down.

Lou I’m so very sorry about your Mum my Dad died on 24th December (this was 13 years ago) and we waited till 10th January for the funeral, it was very surreal but no I don’t remember feeling much of anything, it was like it had all happened to someone else.

After Mum died this year I didn’t feel much at the time, I had too much to do/organise, it hit me when I went back to work about 3 weeks after the funeral and I started having anxiety/panic attacks but I’ve still never really broken down or lost it completely. I’m definitely not right though hence the counselling starting next year.

There’s no wrong way or right way to feel but I think guilt/regret hits most of us at some point thinking about when we rolled our eyes/didn’t listen to some story they were telling us/got cross when they didn’t listen to us etc even though there’s nothing for us to really feel guilty about, this whole thing is just so hard this thread is a great support for when you need to get everything and anything out, we’re all in the same boat though different stages and there’s always someone to listen.

I’m feeling guilty at the moment because I’ve really enjoyed Christmas with my friends, they knew my Mum so I’ve been able to share some memories but it’s been a total change in routine for me so I haven’t missed her physical presence as it’s not something we ever did together if that makes sense?

I hope everyone else is doing ok

First Xmas without my Dad who died 8 weeks ago
I got through the day without tears
Slight wobble when we toasted him late last night with his favourite cherry brandy but DM was ok too

@Annunciata333. Thank you for your response. I’m glad I’m not alone in these feelings and that feeling guilty is also not unusual. I’m glad you enjoyed your Christmas as I’m sure your mum would have wanted you to as would mine so don’t feel guilty...you remembered her in your day which is important.
@jacelancs ..it’s never going to be easy...I had a slight wobble yesterday when my sons 15 and 20 bought me a grandma and grandad (lost them both this year) willow tree ornaments (I collect them). Was touched that they had thought of this. But apart from that I got through the day too x

Yes the guilt... of not listening properly to a story, rushing off when dad wanted to chat a few more minutes - or to show me something in a magazine... And what would I give now to have those moments back... Am wondering when this heartache gets easier - it's 3 months now... Trying my best to 'look after' DM but we're both grieving so much. She came to us over Christmas (usually my parents would come/go but it was easier to have her stay) And I've just been to drop her home - to her husband-less house, I can't imagine what that's like after 60+ years. And i was driving away, looking for him waving from one of the windows - how do you get used to him not being there after my 50+ years?

Lou898

Hello there. I can relate so much to what you are all experiencing - especially feelings of loneliness (even tho I am far from alone) and dreading the New Year - not wishing to leave mum behind in 2019 (she died last month).
This Christmas has been an ordeal. I have not cried hardly but I have felt so angry with everyone and constantly having to apologise because I know I am behaving in a grumpy, unreasonable and irritable way. I want to push everyone away but them I am terrified of hurting them. I am unreasonably angry with my siblings for having a nice Christmas. I am angry at all the effort I made for my family and then to feel nothing at all, and seemingly for no one to care anyway. Of course they do I am just being over sensitive.

Hark at me and my self pity!

We are meant to be scattering her ashes next week together I just want to tell them to do it without me (childish and attention seeking or because I can't cope?) I was her main carer for the last 8 years - so much resentment towards everyone else's need to grieve. Just go away and leave me alone I want to shout at everyone. Yes that's exactly it.

Lots of love to you all.