Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Just over three weeks since my dad died, somdays are good some are not. Today is my sons 8th birthday, first time with no card from Grandad, no money sent via paypal, dad was crap with sending gifts especially as we are were so far away . But we have video messaged at some point. I know it is not going to hit my children until we go back to Australia next, as Grandad wont be there I am not sure when that we will be.

I really wish I could have seen him one last time, had some kind of servcie for him but my dad did not want a service and in the end as he died on holiday he was cremated in Vietnam, so only my brother got to say a real goodbye, but it was hard for him having to fly to another country and deal with everything. At some point his ashes will be scattered maybe we can be there for that, its not easy with my siblings and i living in four different places.

I am so angry at my Uncle, he used to call me for hours on end it didnt matter where I lived but he only sent me a message yesterday to ask how I was and then only because my mum told him I wanted to hear from him. To be honest I am very surprised how my mums family have acted, even though my parents have been divorced over 40 years they still had contact with him and he was still mine and my siblings father and the lack of any condolences from the ones that knew him most really hurts. Right now I could not be bothered staying in touch with any of them.

Thigh - it must have been lovely/poignant going through your dad's photos - bittersweet

Sunday's Temple ceremony was lovely, very soothing - not sure the others 'got it' as there was almost 2 hours of prayers/chanting & lighting of incense - we also burned more offerings for dad... All supposed to fully enable him to have reached the place where he's supposed to be. DD/I found it very comforting - and came home to the 'usual' crushing sadness... in terms of 'improving' - I suppose i'm crying a little bit less, until someone I bump into (who knows or doesn't know) asks me how I am and I have few 'moments' of trying to hold it together.

This new landscape/reality is simply AWFUL... i'd love to be more positive, or even a little bit positive, but I'm not. Not yet

All 3 adult DS's were home for dinner last night - first dinner without dad helping/fussing/stirring/'interfering'/checking the rice/slicing the meat - strangely enough, everyone else seemed to just eat their dinner unaware...

Were you going to have some counselling? I hope you're doing 'ok' as Mummylin tells us we will... eventually x

Dinodiva - the cars... the coffin - i know, it's like your heart being ripped out... but you got through it AND managed to read something, which is pretty amazing... am sure your mum would have been so proud... yes hard leaving your dad, awful - it's all gut-wrenching, these 'adjustements' we have to make... sending you a hug x

Mummylin - thank you for more 'wise' words yet again... and good to have you here after your own 'difficult' week last week... I know you're right and making sense - I/we need to be patient. We're not going to be fixed overnight are we - it already feels like i've been carrying this heavy blanket of grief around for some time, but it WILL lift sloooowly but surely won't it....it's all as raw as day one at the moment... thank you xx

Hi all I haven't posted in here for a while. Hugs to everyone going through this awful time. My mum died last August after only 6 weeks being diagnosed with leukaemia.
I'm finding it a real struggle just now don't know if its with Xmas coming up .or all the things I miss telling her about. my youngest ds was only 18 m when she died he's nearly 3 now it just breaks my heart he doesn't remember her. She doted on my boys

Hi @jobbymcginty Christmas is so hard, all the mawkishness and especially the non stop pictures/adverts with happy families. A constant reminder of the ones you've lost. All I can say is be kind to yourself, follow your gut and do things that feel right for you, not what others expect.

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted for a few months, my Dad died in June. I felt I needed break from thinking about it, after the funeral, but recently I can’t stop thinking about him again.

I just wanted to wish everyone else going through this love and strength. I have good days and bad days and sometimes it’s really hard and I can’t quite believe he is gone. Today I am really missing him. I wrote a Christmas present list earlier and couldn’t not quite believe I don’t have him to buy for this year. I have put on some of his music which always makes me feel close to him. He died suddenly without warning, on Father’s Day, and I sometimes feel I would do anything to have five more minutes chatting to him.

Hi Emmapeeler1... Sorry you're here... Sorry I'm here... Your dad - suddenly in June, sounds very very tough - has it got ANY 'easier' ?

Mine passed 8 weeks ago after a short illness - we're all heartbroken and knocked-off our feet with it... waiting and hoping that something..and time, will help. I keep telling myself that dad wasn't a 'fan' of Christmas (he really really wasn't) but of course he was HERE with us, being a grumpy old man... and his birthday is coming up in 2 weeks - he would have been 90, and I wish I had a £1 for everyone who's told me how lucky we were as he had 'such a good innings' and all that... and we were of course - but we want him driving/cooking/fussing/interfering like he was a few weeks ago...

Sorry for your loss

Jobbymcginty

Dropping in and sorry for everyone who's suffering. It's 5 and a bit weeks now, it's longer since I held Dad's lovely hand and hugged him. Poor auld fella was a bag of bones at the end. I've found some old photos where he was a bit tubby, I've forgotten that. He was so thin and cold all the time, even in August. This winter weather would have been hard on him.

He loved being outside and I joked with him that he was like HG Wells The Invisible Man covered head to toe in blankets, 2 coats, everything all stuffed in the wheelchair.

I had a day I felt fairly strong last week and i was able to listen to Another You by The Seekers which I think of as his song. You'll be My Someone forever and a day.

Time just keeps going and one day it will be years since I was with him.

Mother Dad wasn't interested in Christmas and I'm grateful for that. It's not a time of year that's particularly associated with him.

Hugs to everyone going through this. It's been two months since my dad died and I still can't believe it every time I say it. He was 78 and had been ill for a long time with cancer. I have these conversations with people where we agree it was a 'blessing' that he went as he was so ill at the end and then afterwards I feel horrible about saying that. It wasn't a blessing that he died, he was my dad and I didnt want him to go. I just wish that he never had cancer in the first place. I also feel guilt that I didn't try and get him to look after himself better. Sometimes I would tell him to stop drinking and eating chocolate but he got such pleasure from it that I stopped nagging him in the end.
Sorry for the ramble.

Hello everyone, sorry to see that some of you are now beginning to struggle with Christmas coming up. For most of you it will be the first one without your missing mum / dad. I can't lie to you, I myself found it so painful and without my family around me on that day I don't know how I would of coped.
Sadly in the first year there are several of these difficult times, and your mind goes back to previous events when it was so much happier and your parent was with you.
But, you will get through it, maybe not without a few tears but you will cope, better than you think.
It is horrible when you are at the shops and you see other families happily shopping when we ourselves are feeling so sad.
I make myself feel better by putting up a Xmas card that my mum has previously sent me, it's a daughter one, and even just doing that helps me. Thinking of you all 💐

Thanks @Mummylin . I like the idea of putting up a card that reminds you of your mum. I will think of doing something similar to remind me of my dad x

I do it on my birthday too, so I have my card that says daughter. And of course inside it will be " love from mum " this really does make me feel a lot better. I have done this every year since she died.

Mummylin that's a fantastic idea, I'll do that. I had asked Mum simply to sign Mum and Dad if she gives me anything, i think it would be so stark just to see "Mum".

This has been a horrible year and in many ways I'll be glad to see the back of it. But equally this is the last year Dad was alive in.

I have so much to do and no will to do anything.

We've had recent birthdays @ThighThighOfthigh and I've found it hard to see cards just signed Mum (not Mum and Dad). But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it at some point.

Hoping things get better for you x

Thigh... love the seekers (sounds from childhood) and The Carnival is Over - "this will be our last goodbye"it's just awful - watching them fade away... so heartbreaking

Mungo

Is it ok for me to say - I think I'm doing 'terribly' by most measures... the pain of living in this new terrain, without dad is just so so painful...in my head, I'm still stuck in the doctors surgery with him - when we were given the news about his 'possible cancer' and the doctor said 'a few months to a couple of years'/maybe some treatment... but really, dad was already disappearing before our eyes. We got five weeks - I suppose i had the chance to see him day/night and sat next to him on the bed with rivers of tears sliding down my face (trying to hide them from him) whilst we chatted/he snoozed... he said such good and lovely things but we kept upsetting each other... I asked him things i wished I'd always asked more about - family history/Chinese words... we hoped he'd be ok & we planned/daydreamed about another trip to Singapore... but it felt like a knife was plunged into my heart the first week... and he's been gone 8 weeks and the knife and the knot is still there - lodged & twisting and I just can't bear this new reality...

And I'm impatient with DM and just not very kind whilst she's vulnerable/sad/needy... I don't know how to deal with the pain of missing him - he was in my house all the time and all his cooking things are here and some of his clothes and I don't know how to get through the rest of my life without him... it hurts so so much. I can barely think about anything else but I have stuff to do/things that need my attention... but his last few weeks are on a film reel in my head - it doesn't stop, every torturous second of seeing him go (even though he was 'comfortable'/ok)
How goddamn long can I still be 'in shock' for... the shock of his illness, his dying... was July my last happy month in this lifetime - before everything changed??

Mother i know a couple of weeks less than you do about this grief horribleness but i do think you seem "caught" in a groove. I think you're right that you're in shock. Are you OK sometimes though and posting only when you feel terrible? Maybe that skews things.

I really know nothing though, did you see the counsellor you mentioned?

Thanks Thigh... you could be right, yes I DO post more when I feel utterly overwhelmed which may be a tiny bit less than a couple of weeks ago (not sure) - but YES I also feel totally 'stuck' somewhere I can't pull myself out of. I have seen a counsellor twice and it WAS good to verbalise stuff - what I mostly took from it was i'm 'normal'/it's 'normal' (although painful & heartbreaking)/be kind to myself/don't 'make' myself try and do stuff im not ready for... So I understand a lot of that is nebulous/intangible but am really really 'trying'... and i suppose posting on here IS a release - saying/repeating stuff i'm unable to irl...

i usually answer 'fine/getting there' now when people ask how I am - then i change the subject - so i suppose that's me 'functioning' - and I am 'busy' and getting on with 'stuff' - then arrive home and get knocked off my feet with the crushing sadness... I could do with DS21 here to make me laugh and tell me i'm 'cringe' for even looking a tiny bit sad... thanks thigh...thank you... hope you're doing 'ok'

On the other hand though mother if someone else said to you "my Dad died 8 weeks ago and i feel terrible" you'd think - of course you do.

I don't think this thing is quantifiable, we haven't done it before and by God it's shocking, the process.

I'm "ok" i guess, i walk my dogs alone by the river and the quiet i find soothing. I don't really expect to feel better about this and i don't really care, I'll just plod along until.....something. I'm not thinking very much just plodding.