Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
Zebraantelopegiraffe · 31/10/2019 19:38

Hello again everyone. I posted briefly after the death of my dad at 62 in june this year. Things have been largely shit since then, I thought things would start to get better 5 months on. I have been crying every day, I've had to take more time off work due to the fact I am just not coping.

Anyway, we are scattering my dads ashes soon, my step mum has arranged it, but as well as her and my siblings there are loads of her and my dads friends going. I am just really stressed about it! I just thought it would be a 'nice' calm private thing and I feel its just a circus. I know they all cared for my dad and I know I am being irrational. I just dont want to share it with them. But I have no control of choice at all about it. How do I get some bloody perspective???

Mother87 · 31/10/2019 21:11

Zebra... just ThanksThanksThanks

dinodiva · 31/10/2019 22:00

Mum’s funeral tomorrow. Hand hold please...

Mother87 · 31/10/2019 22:59

Dinodiva - there aren't any words I can say really... but you will get through it, and it's another 'step' - hopefully you'll be with others you loveThanksThanksThanks

Mother87 · 31/10/2019 23:08

Dinodiva - have just gone back to read one of your earlier posts... And how your mum said your sister, you and her family were her proudest achievement ThanksThanksThanks that's yours to store in your heart forever - along with all the lovely memories. I know that makes it harder right now - but one day, when you/I aren't hurting quite so much - these thoughts will be a source of comfort

Mother87 · 01/11/2019 16:57

Dinodiva - hope today was as 'ok' as it possibly could be. I was thinking of youThanks

Mother87 · 01/11/2019 17:58

Mummylin... hope you're getting through - thinking of you x

rumred · 01/11/2019 22:09

@Zebraantelopegiraffe can you talk to your step mother and tell her you're worried/anxious etc about it?
It needs to be something you're OK with or really shouldn't be done.

The2Ateam · 02/11/2019 10:27

Just over 3months since my beloved mum passed away. I am just in a blur of sadness and anger. I literally cannot think straight.

My work, children and DH are suffering. I don’t have anyone I can talk to as my mum’s family are all abroad and I have no siblings. I miss her so much.

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/11/2019 10:50

It's 4 weeks now since lovely Dad died. I'm more functional but more sad, realising this is the end.

Apparently in 18 months he won't be at the forefront of my mind. I don't want to be less sad if it means I would remember him less. It seems disloyal.

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/11/2019 10:51

Life feels very flat without Dad, no gloss to it.

Mother87 · 02/11/2019 21:08

The2Ateam... ThanksThanks

Mother87 · 02/11/2019 21:12

Thigh... yes it's all flat isn't it? Can't imagine finding the joy again, anywhere - without him. This isn't 'fair'... will it really all be ok within 18 months/one day? We supposed to carry on with this huge void? Why doesn't this week feel ANY 'better' than the one that went before? Waiting for this 'magical' time-that-helps-everything to step in and do some work. Probably too soon
Hi anyway x

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/11/2019 22:51

Zebra i understand completely what you mean, yet more sharing of precious moments with all and sundry.

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/11/2019 22:54

Mother is it time for your 49 day ceremony yet? Will it be big or private? Is it like a second funeral? Are you coping with daily life? I'm waiting for a counsellor, I'm not sure i want to. But I'm very quick to anger atm and i don't want to be like that to my family.

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/11/2019 22:55

I asked a friend if memories fade with the pain. She said no it's like a bottle of perfume that transports you immediately.

Mother87 · 03/11/2019 00:06

Thigh - so thoughtful of you to remember that, it's the 49th day tomorrow and we'll go to the Temple and Ladymonk will chant, we'll light incense and we'll bow and pray... the Taoist belief is that the soul goes a little further on it's journey every seven days - and should finally have passed over by 7 x 7's/49 days. We're going to say these 'extra' prayers to ensure that dad, and any other lingering souls have reached their destination. We'll take flowers for the altar and some offerings that he'd like : apple pie/pork scratchingsBlush/jelly babies... It will be just me/DM/DD/DS & DH (who is Jewish/slightly 'bemused' by all but still respectful)
Like the funeral, DD26 and I are hoping that something about tomorrow will help us or make us feel a tiny tiny bit better... But the awful reality so far, is that life is an agonising painful exercise in trying not to cry/trying to keep it together - wailing inside & feeling like a knife is twisting in my heart... Not sure how you'd describe it but I think you know such pain - and I'm not sure what I ever imagined this would/could feel like, but it's worse than anything ever ever ever and I can think of little else, regardless of what I'm doing or where I am...It's taken over my life my brain my heart.

Do you feel you've 'turned any corners' or 'made any progress' at all? I know you're functioning - but can you see any light at all yet? X

Mother87 · 03/11/2019 00:14

Thigh - i know you've mentioned your anger a few times, hopefully counselling will help you to cope with that - or at least you can talk everything through with someone trained/impartial

There are also lots of different stories on thegoodgrieftrust.org you might have already come across this one - the volunteer at Maggie's Place (cancer bereavement centre) gave us the details... some of the things I read helped simply because they made me feel a tiny bit less unhinged (like coming on here and talking to you/a couple of others) I'm functioning yes but my sleep is atrocious, I feel like a zombie and have no time or interest in 'stuff' anymore

Mother87 · 03/11/2019 00:18

Thigh... four weeks for you - after a whole lifetime with your beloved dad, that's NO time at all to even begin to become accustomed to this new landscape is it x

ThighThighOfthigh · 03/11/2019 00:39

Mother i suppose I've made progress in that I can be with normal people and talk about the weather without fear of breaking down. I can do housework, some work and I'm 95% acting normal. My (adult) kids have got used to coming across me crying quietly. I suppose that's progress, I'm mostly crying quietly rather than sobbing.

I can't sleep by just turning out the light. I have to be exhausted and drop off whilst reading or watching TV.

Mother87 · 03/11/2019 00:44

Thigh - just another hug x

ThighThighOfthigh · 03/11/2019 00:57

Mother hugs to you too. I hope tomorrow brings you some peace. You said your mum is English so tomorrow is really all about your Dad and his heritage and religion, that's nice.

What about you? Any progress at all? The first couple of days i wasn't even safe to drive, now I am.

I'm finding concentrating harder though, work, TV, conversation.

I have to watch all the foreign Walter Presents programmes on More 4 so i have to watch properly and read subtitles or my brain just floats around.

Mum and I went through old photos today of Dad is his early 40s. It was lovely to get another image but been very teary today.

Original poster
Mummylin · 03/11/2019 13:13

Hello everyone. Thigh and Mother87. I think you are both expecting too much of yourselves. Hardly any time has gone since you have suffered your losses. I have said at various time that grief takes quite a while for you to get accustomed to your new lives. Yes it def does get better, but it takes quite a while, especially bad for the first year as all the “ special “ days come round, birthdays mothers / Father’s Day , Christmas and any day that has always been special to you and your families.
It’s very tough and it’s normal to shed tears, whilst appearing to others to be coping well. We all know that inside, for a while we are broken.
Try not to look to the future too much as this can feel you with despair thinking that it will be longer since you last saw your loved ones.
Just get through each day, then gradually it will be that you find you can get through each week and so on.
I promise you both that in time ( time being needed ) you will start to live again , albeit a different , and often sad life.
For myself I found that things that used to amuse me, I don’t find funny anymore. My life has changed as has both of yours, but there are still happier times ahead for you and in time this will come.
💐💐

OP posts:
The2Ateam · 03/11/2019 21:17

Thank you Mother87 x

dinodiva · 04/11/2019 06:18

My mum’s funeral went ok. It was so hard when the cars arrived to take us and seeing the coffin, but we got through it. It was unbelievably touching to see the number of people there and realising how much she meant to so many people. My sister and I had prepared something to read, and we managed to do that.
Spent the weekend with my dad and was so, so sad leaving him to come home yesterday. It just feels so wrong that he’s all by himself. I feel exhausted now. I think it’s also now when the reality is going to hit, now we’re not wrapped up in the logistics of funeral organisation.

I had some counselling through work when my mum got her initial diagnosis, and I found it really helpful. It was nice to have a safe space to say all the horrible things in my head without having them boil my insides. It was a bit of a release in that way. I stopped after a few sessions not because they weren’t helpful but because I didn’t feel the counsellor was the right person for me. It’s something I think I might return to though when I’m ready.
Mummylin thank you for sharing that. 😘