Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Thigh - it truly is isn't it - hopefully there'll be a day when we look back and say "god it was horrendous but we survived and we're 'ok' now" maybe just maybe...

For myself i think i want to eventually be able to think about all the good times without this overlay of death and sadness. This period won't go but we'll be able to get it in a box.

For me now the last few days, the dying, is getting ok. My brain is in the illness now. But we did say lovely things during the decline and I'm glad of that.

Have you cooked any of your Dad's recipes? What food did he like in particular?

Yes there were so many good times, so much to remember. I've been told that it happens, that one day you can think of them without them being so painful... Lovely that you and I did get the chance to say and hear all the good stuff

HK - I had no idea... well I wouldn't have of course... I've been making chicken & brocolli in oyster sauce... and he put star anise in with all the slow-cooker things I had on the go (sometimes without mentioning and you'd suddenly feel them crack in your teeth😬) and he always told me to tenderise the meat with bi-carb... his best dishes were curried beef & pineapple and prawn omelette which were out of this world... he was always a bit of an impatient teacher though and it made me nervous to try and make his dishes - and now i'm a bit scared! But a lot of it is in my head now... some of our best times were in Singapore, both of us talking incessantly about what/where we would eat the next day - always poo-poohing 'proper' restaurants and going to hawker stalls of course

I suppose we grew up with all of his ideas about non-Chinese people, and we were convinced that they never had 'good' food like ours

Yes it WAS a great honour, especially towards the end... it sounds like you know what I mean... it felt natural and a privilege and what I was always meant to do. Me and DD - it felt 'ordained' (sounds a bit precious but something about it was 'special' and sacred) Like HIS care of his elders I suppose...I never knew any other way inside my head/heart - and when others sometimes said I'd been 'good'/always there for him - It was never a choice as such

Have just read something on instagram - about the brain being in one place with grief - and the heart in another - and at some point they may align in some way that makes it all 'settle' and we find some sort of peace... am waffling now I know

He had a million 'rules' and tips around cooking/laundry/doing stuff - I kind of do them automatically so you never really think of them... am working my way through jars/packets of things that he opened himself just weeks ago, well maybe 3/4 months ago - I know i'll use them up and have to throw the jars away - because I can't keep everything everywhere all the time... DH did use the 'shrine' word to someone the other day, about a corner of the kitchen... but he hasn't mentioned the ACTUAL shrine where I light the incense/dad's 'main' picture is/Taoist scroll etc are - I guess DH knows that's 'sacrosanct'. In his religion he does light a candle for his parents but that's only once a year - we're now amassing a considerable regular pile of ash from recent incense 'overload'

Thigh - just wanted to say thanks for checking-in/not reading and running late last night - I was struggling. Every day is a new day I guess - hope yours was 'ok'

Just making sure you are ok Mother87 I have to say your HK food sounds delicious !
And thigh I hope you too are ok.

Thanks Mummylin - bloody tough this grieving/loss stuff isn't it... Mine's all the Singapore food (probably a bit outing of me) Sad to think it's 'gone'...Hope you're ok and thank you for checking in... still at the 'one day at a time' phase... x

Yes it's such a sad time in our lives, one which. We think we feel the same forever more, but I promise you we don't.
You will never forget and your dad will always be in your heart, that love for him will still be there.
But your life will go on and eventually you will have happiness again, even though your life has changed 💐

I'm hangin' on to those promises Mummylin... it's been like being battered by waves of sadness and despair - but still here. Thank you x

You will be ok 💐

I feel a bit of a fraud. My dad died 14 years ago and although I can pass on my experiences to those who have to deal with cancer and the last bits that go with it, I cant talk about it because it was so traumatic.
I had a 3 month old ds an 8 year old ds and an emotionally abusive husband at the time.
My dad went to hospital on Wednesday and died Saturday night. I sat and watched him go through some horrific stuff, I watched a tear roll down his cheek.
I cant listen to any music he enjoyed, although his taste was similar to mine. Grief counselling didn't help because I ended up bitching about my sister and my mother.
My mental health is fucked anyway, mainly because of my mother and sister.
I don't want to be the doom monger but I need help.

Hello Ginga , of course your not a fraud, you are very welcome here. It sounds like your grief has not been resolved so you are still suffering.
I see that you get flashbacks from hearing certain music, I get this too. Unfortunately this happens a lot, but I just tend to switch off for a few minutes. But I suppose we could both turn it around and when we hear music associated with our mum/ dad we could turn it into something positive and we could try to remember something happy about them.
It must of been very difficult for you , especially with two small children, then to have the awful shock of the death must of been terrible for you.
I know some people don't get help from counsellors, but for others it works. Please post here for support if you are up to it. We will listen 💐

I thank you.
Trouble is I need to get my head round the horrific ness of it all, but I cant because I don't want to upset anyone.
I'm talking about the throwing up of nasty stuff at various points. It was fucking awful, nobody needs to hear that, nobody needs to be imagining the stages.
Cancer is fucking horrible anyway without me saying, well actually, it's worse than you thought.
I don't think about it much, but it's very difficult when people say it was a short time, but its longer than the 3 days I had.
See? Ishoos.

If it makes you feel better , you can say what you like here. That's why the thread is here, for us all to get support and help each other. You can say what you like if it will help, or you can message me if you like. The offer is there, but it's entirely up to you. Hopefully between us all we can at least get you feeling a little better at least, it's not good to bottle stuff up and it seems you have done that for a long time. I'm off now, but will be back at some point tomorrow.💐

Ginga I understand some of what you are saying, the throwing up, the details, the death face. People don't talk about it do they? We seem to have a whole sanitised language to deal with the nitty gritty of having been at a death bed and so everyone is shocked - apart from health professionals I suppose.

For me, there were echoes of childbirth to it, intensively private, very messy, difficult to describe and shock at how animal it was. And then joining a silent club of people who say "isn't it shocking" then go back to sanitised language.

I'm glad my mum was also at the death bed so we can talk about the noises and smells and visuals.

It must have been so hard to have to care for small children at the same time, I would not have had the strength to do that.

You're welcome Mother, it will be the other way around at some stage.

I met someone for the first time since Dad's death yesterday - he said, "well, he was what 90? And he'd been ill for a while, it can't have been unexpected"

a) he wasn't 90, he was 87
b) get stuffed

The age of a person makes no difference, do people think we won't miss them the same as a younger person. Very thoughtless remark thigh 💐

thigh it's the colour of the vomit at various stages. It's the need to find a nurse and ask if they can do something and then watch them use a suction tube on him, like they do at the dentist. It's the watching the tear roll down his cheek, to realise he understands what I'm saying but cant communicate.
So many people are afraid of death anyway. It seems a bit mean for me to roll up and say, well be thankful your loved one didn't die as suddenly and horribly as mine did.
Then of course there is my mother, who was not particularly parental. She ended up with mnd and spent 5 years slowly dying and I saw her weekly for my sons benefit. When she died, I was happy, some of my coping mechanisms stopped. I didn't even go to her funeral.
My dad was 59 in 2005 and my mum was 67 in 2014. They divorced when I was 17.

Thigh - yes that was an utterly stupid comment from that person regarding your dad's age...as if it diminishes the love and loss in any way

Gingaaargh - yes it's hard to remember, hard to forget, and most people in real-life wouldn't understand or want to hear about those final stages with cancer. When they can't talk, when their colour changes - watching them fadewhen I felt my dad 'cool' slowly as I held onto his hand... wanting them to go and to be at peace - screaming inside for them to stay. I want to remember and I want to forget. Sorry for your lossit doesn't matter how long ago... it's tough isn't it