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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 25/10/2019 21:00

Thigh - meeting was good, he's lovely - i filled-up a couple of times - apparently OTHER people have lost parents ages ago and survived... so it was all 'nice' and he let me ramble a little about most-handsome-daddy etcBlusham 'work-light' at the moment but he's asked if i'll go back on the rota/ptime/it's voluntary (I do paid wfh but that's 'easy'/can retreat as and when)

I understand your 'skin too thin' thing perfectly - i KNOW i've got way too much thinking/wailing time, but I also don't want to over-commit just yet cos i'll have no crying/sniffing time - surely someone has to sit in my kitchen and count dad's grey hairs on the cushionGrin

Is there a grief-schedule book that will make sense of all for us?? Yeeeey

Am sure you'd have a pretty good case for leniency with that fine...under the circumstances - would also have had a good excuse for punching angry woman driver - wasted opportunity imo... am planning on suing the halifax as the AWFUL woman who worked there was devoid of compassion when I went in with DF to sort his account - he was obviously tired/needed a seat - she was vile/said we had to have an appointment, which MAY have been their protocol I understand, but BARCLAYS were amazing/compassionate/patient - sorted everything immediately... THEY got the posh choccies when dad passed

Mother87 · 25/10/2019 21:01

Mummylin - sorry I didn't receive a pm?

Original poster
Mummylin · 25/10/2019 22:16

That is strange Mother87 I have just looked and I sent it at 9 mins past 11 wednesday morning ! You are set up to receive ? I will try and resend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummylin · 25/10/2019 22:20

I have copied the whole thing and resent. It says at the end message sent ! Hopefully you will get it this time.

OP posts:
Mother87 · 25/10/2019 22:36

Found and replied mummylin... thank youThanksThanksThanksfor sticking around... xx

ThighThighOfthigh · 26/10/2019 15:34

I'm really shocked about one particular person who has simply not acknowledged Dad's death at all. I've had a condolence card from someone who he told. I've even said - oh gosh, yes Dad was in charge of that one wasn't he, I'll get you the files (or similar) and he's thanked me without mentioning Dad. They liked each other as colleagues (nothing heart rending) and I've always got on with him too. He's nearly 40s so not a callow youth.

ThighThighOfthigh · 26/10/2019 15:35

early 40s I meant

Mother87 · 26/10/2019 22:56

Thigh - that's rubbish... maybe one of those people who simply cannot 'cope' with the whole 'death' thing/pretends it doesn't exist?

Hows your weekend going?

ThighThighOfthigh · 27/10/2019 07:35

Mother the weekend is pretty flat. I feel an existential boredom, life has revolved around Dad for at least a year.

It was very adrenaline fuelled (the worrying and dashing) and very hard physical work. There's a lot that's been neglected in my life due to it - work, health, house, garden, (adult) kids, friends, life admin.

But the only thing i enjoy atm is baking cakes and I'm fat enough already. Need to find a bakery and sell them cakes.

ThighThighOfthigh · 27/10/2019 07:37

Ooh i know! There's an adult college near me that does a cake decorating course. I know it's nuts but I'm not interested in things i have to do atm.

Mother87 · 27/10/2019 15:08

Thigh... Nothing's 'nuts' anymore... if it helps alleviate this, whatever it is we're living through... Cake/decorating - it's surely a happy-making/distracting thing...

Mother87 · 27/10/2019 17:22

Had an argument with DH - have packed a bag and am sitting in pub carpark. He's just got home from a week away & said he wanted to go for 'a Chinese' for dinner. OK, I KNOW that's 'reasonable' - and I DID go to Dad's favourite place after he passed - but i just can't go anymore/right now:just yet again. DH was a bit sarcastic (he has form/we've been going to therapy after a crappy 2/3 years) Verbatim from DH "so, is it ALL Chinese restaurants now or just XX & XX" I immediately thought, how can he be so cruel/insensitive (again - he has big form)

I don't give a fook about DH's feelings over this - I just couldn't cope with what I thought was his heartlessness when my world has ended... and now i don't know where to go - dont want to see/bother DM/DD - can't cross threshold of any friends because of mourning period...

Mother87 · 27/10/2019 17:24

Dad was Chinese by the way, we went so many times/I can't face even going into the carpark/seeing any elderly Chinese men

It's six weeks today and I don't want to be here. DH probably has compassion fatigue

Original poster
Mummylin · 27/10/2019 22:17

Mother87. I understand you are upset, and rightly so, but if you can’t cross your friends threshold you need to go home, at least for tonight, you can’t stay out in the damp cold weather all night. Face up to things in the morning, but please go home so you are at least in the warm.
I know you are heartbroken and I also know how that feels but I also know that you won’t always feel as bad as you do now. But for now go home, get yourself a hot drink and go to bed. 💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 27/10/2019 22:32

Thankyou Mummylin... for looking after me still - i did/do feel somewhat 'unhinged/irrational' with all this at the moment, along with new empty nest at home (since DS21 left for uni) it's all too much and am really trying to convince myself it ISNT the end of the world - it just FEELS like it right now!

I came home when it started to get really chilly in the pub car park, and I started to feel a bit daftBlushand i knew dad would have wanted me home safely... I put my bags down in DS's room but DH 'coaxed' me back into our room and all is calm. I CAN see that DH didn't commit the worst crime on the planet - but anything that impinges on my very selfish grief in any way sends me over an emotional edge. It doesn't take much... thank you Mummylin x

Original poster
Mummylin · 27/10/2019 23:08

You are quite vulnerable at the moment, so things that maybe you would let pass you by normally, becomes something that is upsetting to you.
I feel that if your grief isn’t lifting at all, it perhaps may be possible to see your doctor. Glad your home and safe 💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 27/10/2019 23:17

Thanks mummylin... yes am going to talk to a bereavement counsellor next week to try make some sense of it all xx

Original poster
Mummylin · 27/10/2019 23:58

Hopefully that will do you a world of good Mother87 It sure can’t do any harm.

OP posts:
ThighThighOfthigh · 28/10/2019 00:00

I hope you're feeling a bit better now Mother* and warmed up.

ThighThighOfthigh · 28/10/2019 00:19

I feel like I'm not a nice person anymore. I was very nice and loving to Dad but i feel exposed now. Like people are judging me and finding me wanting. I don't feel very warm to Mum atm.

Mother87 · 28/10/2019 09:18

Thigh - thank you, yes peace restored/all warm and in the right place. I know it's 'me' mostly, not DH - he can be an insensitive oaf at times but I don't usually leave home

I couldn't believe it when i read your post about your mum...sorry to 'join in' but I'm really struggling with my AWFUL guilt-inducing feelings about/towards mum. These 'things' didn't even exist before dad passed and it feels horrible/I don't understand it.
Without pryingBlushcan i ask maybe something of what you've noticed/experienced?

For instance, I switched my phone off last night because "dad won't be needing me" - I've NEVER done this in my whole life unless I was ill - there are 5 (adult) kids/grandkids/MUM - any combination of any/all that might need me at anytime! I don't want to drive to mums as dad isn't there!! But there is a whole other human being : MUM who's been in the same house for over 50 years with him and I actually love her - but I'm even thinking to myself 'do i have to' - it's hideous! I have to remind myself that I love her/have always enjoyed spending time with her etc etc...

Original poster
Mummylin · 28/10/2019 15:02

I hope you are feeling a bit calmer today Mother87 it’s an incredibly difficult time for houbat the moment and we do get overwhelmed by events sometimes. At the time we ant see anyway out, but eventually things will be better for you.💐
The same for you Thigh you also have been through a rotten time yourself and it’s difficult trying to give support to others when you struggle yourself 💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 28/10/2019 21:42

Thank you Mummylin... heartbroken, still bewildered that he would ever ever leave me...rivers of tears... but functioning/mixing with family/friends/being 'productive' & still here x

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/10/2019 12:11

Sorry I’m not a lot of help at the moment, I have two anniversaries to cope with, my mum and my sister, only 3 days apart , so as you can imagine it’s not a good few days.
But in saying that , I hope you are all getting by day by day. 💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 31/10/2019 16:42

Oh Mummylin am sorry - you've been so good and strong and supportive with all of us. You didn't reach that place without your own losses did you... Sending you the biggest possible hug from my heart to yours xx