Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Heron... i know what you mean... it's just that this is a bloody hard lesson isn't it - in making us nicer/more understanding of others... DH lost his DM 8 years ago and they were very close... I 'knew' he was very sad - but I KNOW he looked/seemed 'back to normal' within days... whereas i'm convinced this grief misery and bereavement will hang around me forever!! And with DM79 today - she was asking 'what's the point in anything now' and i was honestly very hard pushed to get past a couple of half-hearted cliches & platitudes... I wanted to say, well actually mum there IS no point i wont go into counselling anytime soon

Mother not so much crying here. Some, but not as much as I thought I would. I cried loads the first couple of days but not so much since. Maybe it’s too much early days and it hasn’t sunk in yet, I don’t know. I think you just have to go with what feels right/natural at the time.

I am tired and sleeping quite well which is unusual at the best of times. I guess I’m exhausted after the travelling back and forth/hospital visits/sleepless nights from worrying about how long I’d have my mum left for. Not long enough.

I lost my mum in 2016, we had 12 days from her diagnosis with lung cancer to her death. I'm an only child and my father sold his home and 'disappeared' 8 years ago so I am now totally adrift. I haven't even begun to deal with her death. I'm furious all the time. All of my friends have vanished since she died. I'm guessing they didn't know what to say, so they just... didn't.

I cried in the chemists today because It was all a bit much.

Dino... it's AWFUL isn't it... i've got cupboards and a fridge load of dad's half-used sauces & spices for his Chinese food most of which I'll never use... and the national lottery app on my phone which I installed to check his weekly ticket... these 'things' must take a MILLION years to get used to - if ever!!
And your mum will have a whole school missing her as well as all of you xx

Dino - i've been told sleeping is GOOD.... that's something i guess... storm

Dad is home, we picked up his ashes and he's in an urn on mum's mantlepiece. It's actually really helpful, something to talk to.

Practical question: Dad's state pension was about £700pcm, Mum's about £330pcm (small stamp). Dad also had an occupational pension of which Mum will now get half. Should Mum's OAP go up? As she's over state pension age is she eligible for a widows allowance? They have savings.

thigh not sure but what I would say is the pensions service bereavement advisors were amongst the very best most helpful and sensitive of all of the many admin people I came into contact with. They told me over phone what any refund was owing to the estate etc and then followed up with forms as promised and set all the calculations out clearly for me (executor) and probate solicitor (I had to use a solicitor). Give them a call and/or call with your mum so you can help out. They will want to speak to executor. Good luck.

Thanks Heron i didn't even know they existed. Dad's left everything to mum and it's all in joint accounts so i don't know that we need to do very much. Hopefully.

I just miss my Dad, I want to talk to him.

I'm sorry to butt in. I haven't been on the thread. I'm just suddenly so afraid. I would rather do anything on earth than go to Dads funeral on friday.

Oh temporary I know that feeling. Can you think a little that it’s a real honour for him and your memories of him and all he still means for you for you to be there. I found that kind of thinking helpful when my parents funerals came close. In the end I found them to be comforting. I cried at both - no problem at all - everyone understands. I spoke at both - kind of out of my mind but it went ok. Really hope it brings you a little comfort to be there. Support 💐

Still remember that so well @TemporaryPermanent. The thing that got me through was reminding myself that it was the last thing I could do for mine. 💐

Thank you both.

TemporaryPermanent... another one here who remembers that feeling just over two weeks ago with daddy... Just be really really kind to yourself - it doesn't matter how you 'are' crying/not crying/'strong'/not... it's tough... we never wanted to reach this point did we? But it is one of the lovely parts of everything else you'll have done to show your love...

Thigh...how you doing...? Feels like the very very harsh reality now... the 'just missing talking to them...' sort of, well this is it now, this is how it'll be - and trying to MAKE myself get used to it (with no idea how that works!!)

Temporary wishing you strength for Friday.

Mother it's actually getting worse, the first couple of days i just howled and lay in bed, then I felt "OK" now it's becoming real. I wouldn't wish him back (for him) but it's so FINAL. I have a new appreciation for the pain others have walked around with and i had no idea.

Are you coping?

Thigh... I really 'feel' for what you're saying... I didn't want to say that as it sounds like am copying you in this 'dance of grief' we're going through... but the last couple of days as I'd mentioned earlier - it's like... SO IS THIS IT NOW?! WE'RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITHOUT HIM?! He's actually gone now (and of course it's 'better' for yours and mine because they're not suffering) but the PAIN!! MY pain... OUR pain...Good god the pain inside... And I'm supposed to try and make DM feel 'better'/cheer her up!!!!

I got his tub of Brylcreem from DM's today & rubbed some inside his hats/around the collars - and then I bury my face in them... so am feeling INSANE/BEREFT... Even I've got myself wondering how i'm going to 'out-crazy' myself trying to 'find' him...

and i'm still not wanting to be here... silently/secretly hoping that something will kill me quickly/painlessly (of course) so that I can stop hurting/meet him in one of our favourite places...

And like you - am truly amazed that all those people out there who've lost a parent, have not just survived - but they're smiling/having fun... And we're daddy's girls with no daddy... sorry, I won't have made you feel any better for one second - but I think I DO understand something of what you're going through. We're NOT alone are we... but maybe we ARE actually 'coping' because we're functioning on some level/communicating with others/getting dressed and brushing teeth and working or being productive on some level... but all those people who said time helps... WHEN WHEN WHEN - please can it help soon?? X

Mother i remember speaking to a widow about 20 years ago. She was 7 years widowed and i asked if things got better as time went on. She said no, it got worse.

She was a chirpy older lady with kids, grandkids, lots of pals, lots of activities.

I think she meant she wasn't weeping and wailing every day unable to function but that the absolute finality just got more and more and more solid.

I am able to walk around now and work (from home) i can walk the dogs etc. But if someone said something mean to me or criticised my parking, anything, I'd crumple in public. I'm being very limited atm.

I think that will change in time. We'll grow a bit of resilience again and be sad, but more contained and private.

But then what's the point? What do i want? He was so worn out at the end, life had become an endurance. And had he carried on mum and i would have started to buckle. Plus i said everything over and over and so did he. What would i say? Come back? I love you? There's no point.

Thigh - that widow sounds like my DM except we're only four weeks in... ma n pa... 63 years together (driving each other mad!) and I'M supposed to convince HER that it's all 'worthwhile' - in her empty house with no one else there suddenly - that her life is DEFINITELY worth living etc etc haha haaaaa Well am sure it's ALL worth it for ALL of use but am glad I don't work in LIFE P.R. or 'motivation' at the moment...

Maybe this IS our worst thigh... And no, there WAS no point in your DF suffering even longer and you and your DM caring exhaustingly... it's early days isn't it... i know we might run out of clichés and platitudes soon - but maybe someone will come along with some more to help keep us going...

And I think your parking is spectacularly good Thigh