Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=everything+i+own+lyrics&view=detail&mid=3FB581E01459908340623FB581E0145990834062&FORM=VIRE

God yes thigh... i was never able to listen to it my whole life because it made me sad and i always truly dreaded the day it had real meaning for me - which is now of course...today is worse than yesterday (in terms of being a 'wreck' - maybe tomorrow won't be so bad..) thank you for taking the time to respond... DH is snoring away... doing his best with hugs and stuff - and is hiding any compassion fatigue really well... but still... i actually feel a tiny bit better after my last bout of weeping and reading your posts... How are you doing?? Xx

Thigh... those words will probably set a few people off, if they're not already... beautiful and so bloody poignant

I'm stuck together with sellotape. Walking around being normal but a millimetre from cracking up all the time. It's hitting me more and more that Dad is actually gone. I'm waiting for him to come back. I know that's mad but i mean it.

I know he's dead but i don't really believe it. I saw him very nearly every day and certainly spoke to him every day.

Thigh... it feels like being trapped in some kind of hell...(not to disregard people who are going through terrible situations in their lives) a kind of emotional grieving hell that we keep walking through - that somehow we'll emerge from, god knows when or how...

And i'm scared of ghosts... but i wan't to see one if it's dad - which probably sounds insane

Nothing is ‘insane’ when grieving. I spoke aloud to my ma after she died - from time to time. A small part of my brain was thinking ‘well this weird’ but the rest just needed to say stuff out loud and tell her things.
It really does become easier - I know I’m just yet another bod saying that but I promise you you start to accept it and live with it while finding it all just so sad as well. I’m 11 months on from my ma’s death. I’m sending all newly bereaved support and hugs plus those longer bereaved still finding it tough.

Mother I'm expecting to see a ghost and will be quite cross if i don't. I'm cutting Dad some slack for now but he'd better hurry up!

for you all

It's coming up for six months since mum died very suddenly. I'm so very angry and as someone said up thread DH doesn't understand the weight of it. I expected so much more of him and my disappointment is impacting daily life. I can't let go of petty things. For instance, one of his friends mentioned about coming to the funeral. I've known him a long time and so I said thanks but I'd rather he didn't come and said this to my friends too. Oh was a bit annoyed and I can't reconcile this. In this situation my feelings should have been paramount, my friends understood.

A few weeks ago there was an anniversary. DH went off for a few hours after saying he was going for milk. He's never gone without saying where he was going and I can't believe he worried me. I understand it doesn't sound a big deal but he meant to worry me after I told him the day before the significance of the date. He's let me down and I'm not sure if I even want to fix it.

I'm annoyed at three people sobbing hysterically at the funeral and that haven't been in touch since. Not even a text for my dad from his sister and sils,lots of posts on Facebook about how sad they are though. I'm angry with my aunt for asking my dad to visit her because she's not up to seeing their house without mum in it. He is heart broken and his pain is painful. She wanted things of mums and that's all that mattered to her, not my dad's feelings.

Other people and work have been great but I'm living with a burden of these feelings. My throat has felt sore every day and I'm fed up holding it all together. I'm managing day to day but am a changed person. I'm hoping I can have a conversation once the anniversary has occured.

Chip i understand what you mean, Mrs Nice Guy has gone, I've no patience.

I can't believe how monstrous offialdom is. Dad died on the 4th, his Attendance Allowance should have been paid on the 10th. Nothing, well he was alive most of the month. People want M&Ds original marriage certificate, from 60 years ago. I've had to order one from the GRO.

@Mother87 and @Annunciata333. Thank you.

Of course, I know these things and as a nurse, I KNEW she needed more than feet up and TLC. But, she wasn’t supposed to die. She was so well up to a month before. She drove, shopped, cooked and kept her home immaculate. I never thought for a moment that she wasn’t going to be “sorted out”. The ward she was placed on made my heart sink. It was just an assessment unit but, she was stuck on it with other quarantined ladies because of norovirus and MRSA. The lady next to her had a terrible chest and she got what she had. It killed her.

I know I must “rest” with this. If not, I will be ill. It’s just that I always hoped, when her time came that we could send her off with an amount of joyousness for everything she was and did and meant to us. Not like this. This feels like an assault. They murdered her (I KNOW that sounds ridiculous) but she just shouldn’t BE dead. She should be having her physio (as the gp advised) and ordering her new bed she was treating herself to.

Completely agree about bureaucracy, Thigh, I had to send off for my parents’ 64 year old marriage certificate too so my mum got her survivors’ pension. It’s bloody hard dealing with all that at the time you’re least equipped to deal with it.

MissKitty - sorry, I understand a bit more now after your last post...you must be overwhelmed and bewildered with the particular circumstances surrounding your mum's passing - and the grief is, well somebody described it recently as a huge heavy blanket that was thrown over them... and with the hospital 'issues' you encountered too...yes you have other things to come to terms with...
I can empathise with the sheer awfulness of such a recently active parent 'disappearing'... dad was 89 (i know we were blessed to have him so long) but the 'confusion' in my brain/heart when he too was shopping/cooking for ALL of us/driving/taking adult DC's out for dimsum... how the hell are we supposed to get used to this?? X

Chip
Thigh - not just me looking for a ghost then... imagine... probably drop dead myself if i see one - doesn't seem like such a bad idea...

human it's very cruel isn't it? If mum was on her uppers she'd be stuffed now.

My mum went out of the blue at home - she’d just driven and had her hair cut and had a list of things to do that day. No cause of death other than ‘old age’. She (and we) escaped so much crap but good god it was a shock.
chip I too have had to deal with certain levels of lack of understanding but for me it’s because my sibling didn’t get on with her and my dp has gone through life changing career stuff and health stuff since she died. I completely understand but do sometimes feel like just shouting ‘what about me and what I’ve gone through and am still going through’.
Support to all going through this. Have seen some familiar names from when my ma died. There is so much support here. Thanks all.

Heron... yes the way we all just run out of life/time!! But the world carries on!!

Yes and it really made me think about when my parents went through the loss of their parents and how loads of people are stumbling around dealing with loss (of all sorts). Certain it’s made me a better/more understanding person - possibly a bit late (!) but that’s kind of just how it is for us all. Big stuff. Tough stuff.
Support all.

Oh MissKitty how horrible I understand more now too I hope you are able to rest with it one day for your own well-being however you manage to get there.

Beautiful song Thigh though yes it did set me off but in a good way if that makes sense, I’m further along the road than most here though. I won’t type out the lyrics in case it really distresses anyone but ‘my’ song was Beloved by Mumford & Sons, it was on the radio all the time when Mum was dying/just after she died and I honestly could have written it as almost every word was exactly what I felt.

Mum was very religious (I’m not) and 100% believed in heaven so I was hoping she’d send me a sign, nothing yet though apart from vivid dreams.

And yes completely agree re the admin and bereaucracy surrounding death, though in a funny way I think it helped me as gave me something to focus on. I spent days turning Mum’s house upside down looking for birth certs etc only to find them in the garage of all places.

Thank you. Take care all xx

Thigh I know it's me that's changed. I feel so let down by some people and I'm obsessing about that. Others have been lovely, this brings out the best and worst in people and I learnt a lot about basic human decency or lack thereof. I feel broken and don't want to make decisions now that I'll regret.

The bureaucracy is ridiculous. Her GP was appalling and the funeral was delayed due to their errors and omissions. I just wasn't up to making a formal complaint at the time. Dad kept getting chasers for tests and appointments and found it very distressing. I had to ring the surgery and tell them under no circumstances were they to send any further correspondence. So far, so good.

Anybody else doing lots of crying... i've had so many 'instructions' don't cry be strong/let it all out/it's good to cry/don't let so and so see you cry... all very confusing... i'd be struggling to find ANYONE who hasn't seen me cry or seen my blotchy face... dropped the posh biccies at dad's MOT garage today... the owner was always lovely with dad (who used to drop his car off and get the bus there every day to check on the job😬) i wanted to tell them about dad and managed not to cry for at least one whole second... the burly/gruff mechanic/owner was very gracious and i got a lovely hugand people are always surprised when I tell them - maybe they, like me - thought that dad would go on forever and ever just because I wanted him to...

Hugs to you all. It’s really shit.

I went to look at a school today- my eldest will be starting next September. My mum was a head teacher and I kept forgetting and thinking ‘ooh, I must ask her about...’ and I can’t.