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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 11/10/2019 23:45

DinoThanksThanksThanks

Mother87 · 11/10/2019 23:57

Mummylin... am not expecting you to be able to answer or help...but you seem to be able to understand/make sense of some stuff... i saw someone today who's DF had passed away the day after mine (nearly 4 weeks ago) and she told me how close they were... she was almost 'breezy' about how they'd known 'for a few months' how ill he was/how they'd done most of their grieving/how she's 'moved on' etc etc... then my DB rang from overseas (he visited twice a year/had 'complicated/distant' relationship with DF) he asked me how I was - and I said that 'honestly - rubbish at the moment' - i could almost hear him trying to work out why... (he'd been over for dad's funeral 2 weeks ago) & then he said 'mmm I suppose you were used to seeing him every day'... Both conversations made me feel pathetic/dramatic in some way/indulgent... and I honestly have NO idea what's 'normal' apart from being on here and 'hearing' the terrible sadness and loss from some people... or is it because we're feeling this 'more' we've joined this thread (maybe others don't 'need' this help) I'm mostly 'managing' to contain myself when out of the house, but that's not the case at home - i'm something of a 'wreck'... I don't know what question I'm asking, if any - but am I supposed to have 'pulled myself together' by now?? When I can barely imagine any life without dad?? How the hell does everyone else get through this?

Original poster
Mummylin · 12/10/2019 00:13

Oh Mother87 , you feel as you feel. We are all different and there are so many different situations , so many different relationships. It is still very early days for you and it is perfectly normal in what you are going through. At the end of this month it will be 8 yrs for me, yet it feels so raw still at times.
Everyone’s grief is different, some people seem to accept their loss and can move forward quite quickly, others like you and I take longer. Either way it is a very personal thing.
Sadly grief has to run its own path, and although for you at the moment it is very distressing, you cannot hurry it up , in time you will start to feel
More like your old self, although life has now changed forever.
Your DB feelings are just that , his feelings. Yours are different, you are different people.
And the answer is, you feel as you feel. It is perfectly normal. You will be ok in time I can promise you that. They say the price of love is grief. 🌺

OP posts:
ThighThighOfthigh · 12/10/2019 01:27

Mother i think it's very complex. It's been a week today for me, the first couple of days I wailed, couldn't eat, couldn't get out of bed. Now I'm "fine", I'm walking around, laughing, working (wfh). I think I'm frozen.

I feel very strange, i truly adored my Dad and thought i would die without him.

OctoberLovers · 12/10/2019 01:37

My partner has just lost his mum.
We were her 24 hour carers.
Its so quiet here.
No baby monitors
No noise
Nothing but silence.

HeronLanyon · 12/10/2019 03:32

OctoberLovers It’s so tough. I lost my ma 10 months ago and found the quietness in her house a big thing to deal with. Given you were 24 hour care for your partner’s ma it will be very tough.
Sending support Flowers

dinodiva · 12/10/2019 05:33

She was 68. Both her parents lived to 90 so I just assumed she’d be the same.

Thigh I think I know what you mean about feeling frozen. My kids are so little that they need me to be as close to normal as I can, and my dad is caught up in the practical side so I’m trying to help him.

ThighThighOfthigh · 12/10/2019 10:00

Dino that's rough and not fair. I'm so glad i don't have to look after anyone atm but i can see how having little kids would be a help.

Mother87 · 12/10/2019 21:22

Mummylin/thigh... thank you thank you xx

ThighThighOfthigh · 12/10/2019 22:20

Bad day today, at first I was fine then just felt sadder as the day went on. I miss talking to him, I've never gone this length of time without talking to Dad.

ThighThighOfthigh · 12/10/2019 22:22

I'm still desperately tired.

dinodiva · 12/10/2019 23:37

Oh thigh I hope you’re getting some rest.

We had my nephew’s 3rd birthday party today. My mum would have so loved seeing all her grandchildren playing together. I’m just so sad for my dad too.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 13/10/2019 05:21

My dad died yesterday, I couldn't sleep last night, he was on holiday in Vietnam, my brother has had to go and sort everything out as I am thousands of miles away as is my eldest sister and I can't see my other sister doing anything. I wont be able to go home from his funeral. He wasnt the most wonderful dad in the world, actually he was a really selfish man who I was actually really angry at but he was still my dad and i loved him.

I am not looking forward to telling my kids when they wake.

notashotasthepreviousyear · 13/10/2019 15:55

Flowers & hugs to everyone today, if only there was a magic wand to make us feel better. I'm dreading dad's funeral next week, I just want it to be a special, precious ceremony but I think I'm going to sob through it & be a snotty mess when I want to be appreciative to friends & relatives who are coming to say goodbye.

Alsohuman · 13/10/2019 17:07

@notashotasthepreviousyear, like you I dreaded both my parents’ funerals, it took me all my time to get out of bed. It was if I’d been anaesthetised, I was completely numb and didn’t shed a tear. If you cry, it’s normal and natural, certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I think a lot of people thought I was cold and unfeeling.

Mother87 · 13/10/2019 20:38

Goodiegoodie... and all of you... hope we're all getting through the best we can... biggest hugs to all of you and thoughts and prayers... Am 28 days into this awful awful journey since my beloved daddy passed away... I saw him (and DM) nearly every day) and he was ALWAYS at my house - so the void feels so immense and unbearable... the physical ache and longing are torturous... but we WILL all get through to brighter and better days... i HAVE to keep telling myself that (and others - like Mummylin💜) tell me it's true... Thank you to those who keep reading/checking in with us all... xx

notashotasthepreviousyear · 13/10/2019 20:41

thanks also human , I wasn't expecting the physical reaction of feeling so washed out. I went out into the garden to keep busy and could barely lift the shears, whereas 3 weeks ago I was pushing the wheelchair / lifting this and that. It will take time, I hope everyone on here is managing to look after themselves as much as possible.

notashotasthepreviousyear · 13/10/2019 20:44

Flowers Mother87

MissKittyBeaudelais · 13/10/2019 21:13

My mum passed away one week today.

It wasn’t her time. She went into hospital for medication review and assessment of breathlessness. She was put on a ward with norovirus and MRSA. Within days, she deteriorated and in less than a fortnight she was dead.

I will never forgive myself for convincing her that hospital was best and we could then go forward and sort her home out for her, adapting her apartment to her not being able to “do” 2 sets of stairs.

I have nowhere to put my grief. It is my first waking thought and last thought before sleep eventually comes.

Mother87 · 13/10/2019 21:35

MissKitty - so sorry for your loss... the circumstances must feel simply heartbreaking for you... some of us have been involved in the care and making decisions on behalf of our beloved parents... and am sure we've all gathered information/considered all the options and ultimately done what we've thought was the very very best thing at the time... and maybe some of us have had doubts along the way - or worries that we could have done something differently.., but you've been motivated ONLY by LOVE and the hope of a good outcome... you couldn't possibly have known what would happen... your mum knew you were worried and trying to look after her... wishing you some peace and comfortThanks

Annunciata333 · 13/10/2019 22:18

I am so very, very sorry to see so many posters joining this thread Flowers Flowers Flowers I can feel the pain and sadness in your posts but have also loved hearing the beautiful words and lovely memories of your Mums and Dads.

I was on the last thread as my Mum died in March of this year and posting/reading here was a great help and comfort. I’m still not over it, sometimes I feel ‘better’, other times it’s as raw as if it happened yesterday, sometimes it’s like I’m living in a bizarre dream and nothing feels real anymore. And of course I’m at the stage now when most people think everything should be back to ‘normal’ when it never will be again.

Lots of love, hugs and handholds to you all ❤️ 🌹 💐 this is so seriously hard but we all feel what we feel there’s no right or wrong and no timeline, we just all have to cope as well as we can and take comfort where we can and lean on others when we need to.

MissKitty I am so sorry you lost your Mum in those circumstances but as Mother87 said you were motivated purely by love and your Mum will have known that. If she hadn’t had gone to hospital and something happened at home you would be tearing yourself apart for not insisting she went in, it’s so hard to know what to do for the best but you did what you thought was best for her because you loved her Flowers

Mother87 · 13/10/2019 22:38

Annunciata... thanks for those kind words... yes it seems to be different for others - or they don't talk about or show their pain - and for some of us, we have no idea how our lives are going to continue with any meaning because we're mourning so deeply. Being on here and listening to others has brought enormous comfort (to me) whilst empathising and sharing some of the sheer rawness of grief - we're not alone are we...Thanks

Mother87 · 13/10/2019 23:44

Dad and I were due to go to the far east tomorrow - to visit family...i know he couldn't go on forever - and I know I was SO lucky to have him in such amazing good health to 89... but it was just 5 weeks from knowing - until he passed away last month... I know a short illness was better for him, but this pain is so so awful - i don't want to do anything ever again... I just wanted some more time - it's greedy I know. If I could bargain with someone/something - I would do it, just for some more time - he didn't want to leave me

ThighThighOfthigh · 13/10/2019 23:48

Mother do you know the song by Bread "Everything I own" later covered by Boy George? It was about losing his Dad.

ThighThighOfthigh · 13/10/2019 23:49

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew,
Were all the years I had with you
And I would give anything I own
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again
You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of
You never said too much,
But still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know,
The part of me that can't let go
And I would give anything I own,
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again
Is there someone you know,
Your loving them so,
But taking them all for granted?
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away,
And they don't hear the words you long to say
I would give anything I own,
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again;
Just to touch you once again