Just been told that my lovely nan has passed away & my parents are away on holiday

[Pinkchampagne]

They have only been gone since last Thursday, so I have to find a way to contact them to try & get them home before the funeral.
My nan had a massive stroke & I didn't know, and now she's dead. I'm in bits, I feel so guilty. I was going to phone her tonight to check she was ok, and now she's gone.[

And would be v confusing for the boys, I think.
And probably, in truth, not much comfort. Good for you, PC - being strong and clear at the saddest of times. You are a wonderful woman.

But I'm pleased he is being kind.

That's so sweet - I can imagine the stuffed pengiun and DS1 reading to her.

Maybe the boys could draw a picture for her, for the funeral? or write a goodbye story? Would you be able to have a few things from the basket? the stuffed penguin etc, as a keepsake?

I remember the things from my grandads drawer in his den that I used to play with, and now, I wish I had them instead of the more officially 'valuable heilooms'. They were what my grandad was about, for me.

That is a lovely idea, Blu.
Do you think I should take the boys to her funeral, or will it be too much & too upsetting for them?

I was 12 when grandad died & I didn't know anything about his funeral until after the event. I would have liked to have had the choice, but I guess my parents thought they were protecting me.
My boys are that much younger though & have been through so much recently.

you really need to see how they react to the fact thats shes not here anymore.......also there will be very upset ppl there so you need to take in consideration how thwyre going to deal with everyones elses emotions as well as their own??

could it be nice if you let the kids send a balloon up in the air and a little prayer attached to it x

pinkchampagne, I'm so sorry about your news

I took both of my daughters (then 6 and 3) to my dad's funeral, last December and though they were sad I was really glad I did it.

How did your girls react to it all, bundle?
I just don't know what to do for the best. My boys are very sensitive, especially DS1.

PC, it's a tough call with everything you and the boys have been through lately.
I suspect sadly that you will not be surrounded with the genuine united family warmth and support that most of us expect and all of us deserve on occasions like funerals. If your family circs mean it's going to be especially hard for you that day then I would leave the boys with a trusted friend. The triple burden of your own sorrow, pressure from others, and your ds' distress, is not what you need right now.
I am in tears thinking of your nan and her penguin. I can smell the warm baccy smell of my grandpa's treasure drawer, and see his collar studs and cheap but much cherished fob watch, forty years down the line. He died when I was only four and I promise you that your boys will have this sort of happy picture in their minds for the rest of their lives, even if things seem so hard for you at present. Her love for them may have ceased in this life for now, but the memory of the love is always there.

Thank you, Marina, your words are lovely & I am now in tears again!

No matter what's happened over the last year, I just want my parents home right now

My mum came into the sitting room to find grandpa had fed my gannet baby sister a whole pound of grapes "because she asked". Her nappies nearly blew her across the room for the rest of the day. Mum was underwhelmed to say the least. My role was to dob the pair of them in, apparently.
PC, your nan was such a rock to you I know. She was obviously a wise and compassionate woman, and a true friend. I wish things were different for you, truly XXX

It's the stillness of the very old isn't it cali. They are not always rushing hither and thither and always seem to be where you last left them.

I wish I could believe in a heaven, I would love to think my nan was now with grandad & her beloved siblings.
She is being buried on top of grandad. I know that the funeral is going to be just the worst ever & I am dreading it.

Worse ever for me right now that is. I know others have to go through far worse than me.

This will be the first funeral I have attended

Spoke to my cousin tonight. It seems that it was both a srroke & a build up of water around her heart.
Heard all details & now wish I hadn't. Poor nan.

pinkchampagne, they both cried and were pretty quiet most of the time. but I explained that they had to be quiet in the church and the crematorium, but at the third place where we'd be having a "party" they could make as much noise as they wanted and eat, drink whatever they liked. dd1 sulked a bit because i was in a funeral car with my mum but i let her travel back in it - she was delighted! having them with me helped me too. my sister didn't take her children and I feel they missed out on something - learning about the cycle of life is valuable and i'd rather they didn't bottle up their emotions now or when they grow up, hth, x

Thanks, bundle, it sounds like your girls coped well with it all, and it was definitely the right decision for you.
I am still in two minds with regards my two boys because I am scared it will really really upset them. I am just dreading the funeral myself, I really am.

My parents can't get back today now, something to do with the rough sea, but they are hoping to get home tomorrow.

PC - there is so much in what Marina says about memories.

I have no experience at all of helping DS through a death in the family, but was at a funeral of a freind, and his two boys were at the funeral. I don't think there will be any right or wrong choice you can make, and as Marina says, think of your own emotional strength as well as the boys. It may be too much for you to deal with, having them there, on the other hand you may want them to cuddle...and for the distraction. If you don't take the boys, ask your sister in advance to be your cuddle-partner - don't be lonely and depending on exH and your parents.

My personal choice, for my DS, I thnk (given that I haven't had the experience) would be to take him to a funeral. To be part of saying goodbye, to feel the love and sadness amongst family, and to be there in realisty, because for most children anything imagined is more scary that the reality, iyswim. The wondering and insecurity of not being included can be worse than being in the RL midst of an event, which is in itself part of a goodbye.

But I honestly believe that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your boys.

totally agree with blu about the wondering/imagining often being worse than the reality of a situation, which is quite ordinary, if sad.

Agree utterly that funerals in reality can often be less gruelling than the prospect. The necessary procedural aspects of them tend to kick in IMO.
Blu says it all really - whatever you decide will be right for you.
Thank goodness for your sister PC XXX

So sorry for your loss PC x