Just been told that my lovely nan has passed away & my parents are away on holiday

[Pinkchampagne]

They have only been gone since last Thursday, so I have to find a way to contact them to try & get them home before the funeral.
My nan had a massive stroke & I didn't know, and now she's dead. I'm in bits, I feel so guilty. I was going to phone her tonight to check she was ok, and now she's gone.[

I am pretty fortunate to have reached my mid thirties without having been to a funeral, but that kind of makes it feel worse in that I am fearing it so much.
I can't stand the thought of my nan in a coffin, and I can't bear the thought of them putting her in the ground. I know she's no longer actually here, but I am just hating all these thoughts.

They apparantly only have 2 weeks to clear her house & I'm hating all that too. Nan has lived in that house as long as I can remember. It is the house that she shared with grandad, it is the house I would make buns with her as a child, the house I would drop in after college (I got off at the bus stop near her house), the house she managed to live in right until the end. It is filled with her bits & loads of family photos. I can't stand the thought of it being cleared of all her stuff & owned by someone else, I really can't.

Think I'm going to take a walk to nan's road.

pc i went through the same emotions when my twin bro passed,my mum wanted him to be cremated because she didnt want to leave him on his own,the rest of the family were in outrage with her so she buckled and had him buried....anyway i just want you to know that i felt the exact emotions as u, but they arent really there i really belive that she will be in a better place now and at peace

who was it posted the stuff about explaining to a child about death like a taking off a glove, that you didn't "need" that bit any more?

oh yes. thanks.

try here for some twiglett wisdom

She is being buried on top of grandad, it is what she requested in her will.

Found out all the details of her death yesterday & it upset me a lot. It sounds like she was fine in the morning, went along for her Monday visit to a home, where she was fine one second & then not at all fine the next.
It sounds like it started as a mild stroke, which quickly got much worse. She was still conscious though & suffering.

The doctors told the family to go home & come back later, and when they did they were 5 minutes too late...she died alone & I hate that thought so much. I really hope she was too out of it by that stage to know.
Poor poor nan.

Thanks for that link.

I'm doing even worse today than I was yesterday for some reason.
I want to walk to her road, but I can't do it yet.

That is quite normal. It will be a full day without her and it is really true and real now. Just take everything a bit at a time.

I want to walk past her house, but everytime I even think of her little house, I burst into tears.
I can smell the smell of nan's house right now & keep thinking of the last time I saw nan alive, which was me helping her into her seat in that little house of hers, after having dinner round mum's.

I can't believe I'm never going to see her again.

I'm going now, I'm going to take that walk.

You are having just the same feelings I had.
Hope you manage a walk.

I need to do this

take care

oh love it's perfectly normal to feel like this. lots of emotions, all jumbled up. it's a terrible loss and you will feel it very keenly for some time. xxx

I did it, I walked to nan's house. I fought the tears all the way there, despite walking past what seemed like loads of elderly ladies (was probably only around 3, but it seemed like they were everywhere), then I approached her house & could not hold back my tears any longer.

Everything was just as she would have left it. Her chair was there in front of the TV, her pictures all around the room, magazines on the table.
I walked round to the bedroom window, all was just so, her bed, more pictures, all her trinkets etc, but no nan.
Walked round the back & stood in her garden by her plastic garden chairs. I saw some bowls of water & food which had been left out for the cats. It was awful.
As I was standing there crying, one of nans neighbours appeared in her garden. She looked at me & said "Alright love?"
I nodded, but she could obviously see I wasn't alright, and then just lost the plot.

I should be visiting my lovely nan in her house, but she isn't there anymore & I can't handle it. I wish I could wake up & this all be a bad dream.

Really sorry to read your sad news. Both my parents died within 5 months of each other, and I am an only child so had the bulk of the decisions to make (although relatives helped a great deal with arrangements) My son was 6-7 yrs old and came to both funerals at church, but did not come to the crematorium. We called the wake afterwards Grandads party/Grandmas party. He took a soft toy to church for comfort. Although it was very sad and he saw people crying, he understood that 'everyone is sad sometimes" and the mood lifted considerably at the wake. The minister said when dealing with childrens loss, he would describe death as like the person going into another room, and getting the children to imagine what sort of room the deceased would like best, so that whenever they felt sad they could think of that. In the case of my dad it would have been a room full of family and friends having a lovely party with lots of babies to cuddle. The difficulty is trying to explain why they can't see the grandparent anymore. It might help if you have a recent photo of the children with their grandma and give it pride of place in your home, or give them a copy each to have in their rooms. Also, make a deal with them that whenever they feel sad,they talk about it openly and don't bottle things up to spare your feelings. It can be very helpful to you too to talk about the good times you've all had together, and also about you and nan when you were young. Hope all this makes some kind of sense and helps you to make those hard decisions. Whatever you do, it has to be right for you. And I know exactly how you felt walking into your nans..... Take care.

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents, KS. Losing both of your parents in such a short space of time must have been unbearable for you.

Boys are being returned in a minute as their dad is on nights tonight, so I am going to explain to them that their great nanny is no longer with us, although I haven't quite decided on how I'm going to phrase it yet. I like the room idea.

I keep switching in my head from not wanting the boys to experience the funeral to thinking they should be there. I think I am going to give them the option, they don't have to be there if they don't want to, but if they do want to say goodbye I will take them along.
I think it's best I do that because I remember being a bit upset that I didn't even have the choice when grandad died.

Oh PC, how sad.
Was the right thing to do though, go and breathe in some of the air from your nan's house, be there, and see things just how she left them. Saying good bye step by step.

Hugs for your conversation with the boys, PC. they will probably keep coming back to it with questions and things to say.

Thanks pc. I did need counselling; but I was dealing with a separation and buying a new house just before so was at max stress. Do consider counselling if you feel you can't cope.
You could explain to your boys that nan was very poorly and that was why she died. Emphasise that the same will not happen to them or you. Also that nan loved them very much and no-one can take that away, and you will all never forget her. Say that the funeral is a way of saying goodbye but also a way of celebrating nans life by all those who loved and knew her. If nan had a garden they may wish to pick some flowers to make into a posy to go on the coffin, or choose a floral tribute, writing their own cards in their own words, whether they attend the funeral or not. If they do want to go, the funeral director or vicar will be able to tell you the order of events so that you can tell them what to expect, they have lots of experience and can advise on the possibilities i.e. service only and someone looking after them for you during the burial.
I do feel for you. I didn't get to tell my son of either grandparents death because he was with his dad both times and I needed to drive 270 miles to their house each time, plus mobile reception was nil at Center Parcs so had to get a staff member to deliver a message to their cabin to ring me. DS and I did talk at length though. Good luck.

I've had counselling already, KS, because I have also just gone through a house move combined with a separation!

Have explained to boys & will post details later when they are in bed.
They are ok, but DS1 has said he doesn't want to go to the funeral, which I kind of expected.