Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

I think the Victorians had a good system where you could wear black and then purple and armbands. Then everyone would have a visual prompt that you might not be functioning as normal.

I agree littlespacewas saying that just a few weeks ago. Feel I could do with a badge. Also have said my dp could do with laminated cards to show me. Poor thing has said the same comforting things many many times - we have also laughed about getting stuck in a cycle of me sobbing for losing my mum and then hearing ‘she went the way she would have wanted’ and ‘it’s ok and it’s going to take time I’m here’. Don’t know what I would do without support so specially hugs to anyone dealing with grief without good support. We are all here for each other.

Hi had mum's funeral today which was nice and simple just what she would have liked ,the one person I want to tell about too isn't here 😟now I just have this hole in my heart to face my life without her sorry just hard

It is very hard foxyknoxy. I know.

Look after yourself.

Hello fellow travellers. It's my mum's birthday today, the first one after she killed herself. I didn't think it would matter to me (we weren't big birthday people, our family, more an 'oh shit can I still get the card in before last post?' types ) but it is very hard today. I want to talk to her so much. I want to do something nice for her, send her flowers and a funny card. I want to take her out for a drink or five. I miss her. It's a big day at work today and I don't have the possibility to just stop but I keep needing to cry.

My sister and I were supposed to be scattering her ashes this weekend but she forgot(!!) and double booked herself so we've had to cancel. Not rescheduled yet. I was so upset with her, but yesterday we spoke on the phone and it reminded me she's suffering too, in her own painfully private way, and I ache that she would never in a million years turn to me and let me help her with any of the things that make her life hard. We love each other so much but we don't have that kind of relationship. But she's the only one who could really understand how hard today is. So I miss her too. I want to reach out and look after her, and let her look after me. But we just can't. We've not been made that way.

Feeling very sorry for myself, and sorry for my sister, and so so sorry for my mum who died thinking nobody cared enough. But we did, we cared so much, and all the progress I've made forgiving myself for her dying is very fragile today.

for everyone who has recent losses and are getting through the horrible dazed business of funeral organising and telling people. This is a horrible day, but 7 months on I have woken up from that 'living nightmare' feeling where nothing seems real. This is hard, and so painful, but it is better. It does get better. Love to you all xx

Oh Names - that must have been so incredibly hard for you. I hope you get through today OK

foxy I know what you mean. I've been asking everyone I speak to since the funeral whether they thought the service was OK, because the one person I actually want reassurance from isn't here :(

To all people going through this it's bloody shit isn't it sorry just feel like that today 💐

((( hug ))) foxy Yes, it really, really is :(

Hey all, sending my thoughts to everyone on the thread who's having a hard time today and to us old timers who should be a dab hand at this by now but still need the odd shoulder day to day. Am having loads of issues with mum's elderly parents lately and wish more than anything she could give me her advice.

Also having a rubbish day over here. I just don't get it. I should be getting excited for dc birthday but just can't.

and hugs all round xx

Hugs to all going through this I’m having a bad few days foxy I get exactly what you are saying re: hole in the heart, I feel the same, that sense of how am I going to face the future without her. Hubby is good although he is worried that me crying will make me feel worse,( he’s not good with emotions) whereas I need to have a good sob. And what makes it worse is I think my Mum would know exactly how to support me and she’s not here. On the positive side my Dad sent his first text to me today

I'm having a bad few days too, hugs to everyone. I totally get what you mean foxy, it feels like there is a huge hole in my life now without mum, don't know how I'll ever get used to her not being here.
I need to get my dad texting Lattequeen! He can open and read them but can't reply. Doesn't help that he has barely any numbers stored in his phone, they are all in his notebook/calendar diary.
HiI miss getting texts from mum so much.

Mary Oliver, one of my favourite poets died yesterday. She wrote many poems based on grief, the one below is one of my favourites. Grief is the price of love, and we are lucky to have had people in our lives we loved so well and they loved us.

A Pretty Song

From the complications of loving you
I think there is no end or return.
No answer, no coming out of it.

Which is the only way to love, isn't it?
This isn't a playground, this is
earth, our heaven, for a while.

Therefore I have given precedence
to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods
that hold you in the center of my world.

And I say to my body: grow thinner still.
And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song,
And I say to my heart: rave on.

I like that poem @CherryBlossom23, thank you.

Thank you to everyone on this thread you just get it.I wish I could say something to ease the pain but the one thing I have learned is that no matter how many cards, words of support etc people say (I know they mean well)nothing really stops the gnawing ache inside of me that constant rears it's ugly head.I am heartbroken and lost without my wee mum and I need to find my place in this world without her.My kids are my salvation so I know I have purpose every day to be a mum.I know this is a process of grief I need to go through to hopefully find some sort of acceptance one day but feckin hell it's hard .Massive hugs to you all and let's share a virtual cup of tea/coffee (my wee mum didn't drink so I am on best behaviour haha).When I feel stronger I would like to tell you about my mum if you guys don't mind .

I am so so sorry for all your pain. I have been reading all the posts.
My partner lost his dad in November and I was finding it hard to support him. I would say and do all the wrong things. But I think now we have stepped out of the relationship I'm finding it easier to supper him as friends. I have been reading all your posts and it has helped me to understand that it's nothing personal when he goes quiet or wants a day or two to himself.
He has only just started talking about the future together. So I'm quietly hopeful that one day we will get back together and I can be his rock again.
In his own words 'just keep swimming'

foxy I'd love to hear about your mum when you're ready.

Rose Give him time but keep being there as his friend. It's a huge draining process to go through.

foxy I’d love to hear about your Mum too
Had a better day today, just felt Mum was with me whilst I was sorting the study out I was thinking to myself oh she’d be pleased that I was doing this. and I think that is how I will eventually get through this just thinking of what she would say to me as I go about my day

One quote I used at her funeral which some of you may like is this one

“I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought, and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint on our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love” Leo Buscaglia

6 weeks on. Mum's funeral was last week. It went ok. I got a couple of days respite afterwards then my anxiety kicked in really badly

I remind myself that it will be ok. But I am finding life so stressful. I don't want to be an executor but it's too late to resign as it's just been me dealing with everything on my own.

Thinking of you all and hoping that you all are getting the support you need. It does help. 💐

8 weeks on from mums death. Funeral and memorial now done all was lovely but so much work organising everything, so many people so much talk and memories and arrangements. Literally just now I’m at home quiet with nothing mum related to ‘do’ and I think some proper sinking in and grieving may have some room to happen. Have been very affected by what I’ve read on the thread and want to offer everyone hugs it is hard.

to all. foxy do tell us about your mum when you feel up to it.
I've had that awful cold bug thats going around, I could sleep for England! it really knocks the stuffing out of you.
I found a photo of my dad the other day that I didn't know i had. It was so lifelike and I had a little panic that he was gone. It's weird after 16 months it still hits me occasionally.
My doorbell rang the other day and I thought how lovely it would be if it was dad at the door
I hope everyone has a good week.

My heart goes out to us all in this heartbreaking journey, was feeling like I had to be close to mum and went to her flat walked in and it just smelled like she was just there.God I miss her .

@HeronLanyon hope you're ok. I found those first few days after the funeral very hard.

How is everyone?

I was in a cafe the other day with my youngest, lots of elderly couples around. Had a little cry as it was just so sad, why couldn't it be my mum and dad growing old together like that. It's those moments that just seem to creep up on you and take you by surprise.

pheobs I know what you mean about seeing old couples together. it makes me so sad to think of my mum sat at home alone of an evening. They did everything together

I'm struggling. I had yet another bit of bad news yesterday (not a death this time - a medical treatment that I've been waiting two years for and had pinned all my hopes on, went to the appointment yesterday all psyched up for it and was told I no longer qualify :( ). I've also got my aunt's funeral next week, in the same place that my dad's was, and I'm just desperately missing my dad and my dog and feeling utterly defeated by life. I woke up this morning and had a few seconds when everything felt normal, and then it was like this horrible cold blanket of grief and stress settled on me and I'm feeling tearful and angry at the world and just generally horrible.