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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

987 replies

Mummylin · 02/01/2019 12:10

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummylin · 13/01/2019 21:06

Poppy I understand the not feeling real thing. It's like you are outside the world looking in, everyone is just going about their business and you are in this pain. I felt like I wanted to scream out " don't you know my mum just died " it's a horrible time for everyone in this position.
What were you looking for to wear in the shops ? Dress, trousers or two piece? Hopefully you will find something suitable.
Good luck making arrangements tomorrow 💐

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MyGuideJools · 13/01/2019 21:17

poppy I hope you find something to wear. in the end I wore dark trousers and a flowery top. I figured dad wouldn't mind what I wore. Just be comfortable.
I too ended up organising everything for the funeral as mum 'couldnt' bring herself to do it. She couldn't manage to write a card for her own flowers. I made numerous trips alone to the funeral director.
I even picked up dads ashes by myself, sat him in the front seat of my car and took him on a tour of the town before taking him home to mum!

I've had quite a few dreams about dad now. The worrying thing is that he's not happy in any of them. I do worry that this means he's not at peace but I try not to dwell on it. I'd love for him to send me a sign.

Grace212 · 13/01/2019 21:23

poppy I'm sure whatever you wear will be fine

if any consolation, I made a particular trip back to my home in order to collect some stuff before going back to mum's. one thing I was supposed to collect was smart clothes.

guess what? I totally forgot. I did have time - a couple of days - to try and do the journey again but when I told my friends, they were like, oh it's fine, no one will notice. And I guess either no one did, or no one was bothered. I was also very cold so had to be wrapped up.

the only moment that it bothered me a bit was giving the eulogy but frankly I think anyone who judged what I was wearing at that point isn't a friend anyway! Looking back, I was the least smart person there but hey ho, what can you do. It's not a fashion parade, my dad would say.

poppym12 · 13/01/2019 21:24

I think it wound me up when I had to answer the phone at my dad's yesterday to my aunt (dad doesn't like answering the phone). She asked how my dad was and asked if my sister was OK. I said yes and asked how she was. 'bearing up' she said, 'i have my moments' and started talking about her neighbours hedge.

No one has asked how I am.

I'm looking for a simple black dress but it must not have a high neck or tight sleeves as I hate tight clothing. I've gained a lot of weight since I last had to dress smartly so the self loathing is really kicking in too.

Grace212 · 13/01/2019 21:26

I am also getting really annoyed about post stuff.

things like the promotional side and the practical side - so internet provider in mum's name, but promotional mailings still coming to dad because none of these companies have systems that actually connect.

I posted before about charity mailings but I didn't realise the companies who actually had been notified wouldn't update systems across the board.

Original poster
Mummylin · 13/01/2019 21:33

On the subject of dress , this will amuse you all. Going back a few years we had a traveller family living quite near, that used to do funeral and wedding flowers, over the years most locals got to know them well. Anyway one died and I was going to wear trousers and a matching jacket to the funeral, went to put it on and god knows why but the waist was so loose trousers wouldn't stay up. Searched high and low for a belt and couldn't find one. In desperation I had to use a bit of string !! Wasn't funny at the time, but it is now I look back !

OP posts:
Lattequeen · 13/01/2019 21:46

cherryblossom I have tried counselling for other things and it worked really well, I am going to try bereavement counselling next week. I am trying to persuade my dad to try it as I think it would help to talk about it, but I appreciate that at 82 it may not be his thing. Going to see if they do family counselling
I think for those who are not sure, try it, if it doesn’t work then nothing lost

Rosewilliam · 14/01/2019 07:32

Just out of curiosity is there much wait for counselling? My BF has finally agreed to go to the docs tomorrow after his dad died 3 months ago. I'm just wondering how long he will have to wait until he gets to speak to someone.

Original poster
Mummylin · 14/01/2019 07:50

I think it varies Rose I have known of people who are advised to wait or there are no spots available,but my friend managed to see someone almost right away. I suppose it depends, how busy they are and what sort of methods they like to use. I certainly would try and get an apt.

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Lattequeen · 14/01/2019 09:59

rose I am accessing mine through work, but there are loads of charities offering counselling lines like Cruse and other charities offer them too.

Lattequeen · 14/01/2019 10:02

Oh and I also fretted about music and readings for my mums humanist funeral as my dad did t want to read or listen to anything, I understood he was in too bad a state to think about it and actually the organising helped me, i kept on thinking I want to make my mum proud and send her off well, judging by the people who came up to me and said she would have loved that I think i did ok!
As for what to wear, just be there that is the most important thing

phoebs88 · 14/01/2019 11:01

@poppym12 how are you today? No one asks me either - it's all about my mum. Which I understand in a way, but sometimes you just want to scream 'what about me, my dad died!!'

Re post - we used the Bereavement Register. Free to send details to and they should stop unwanted post within 6 weeks. The registrar gave us the details. Don't know how much difference it has made so far really, but might be worth a shot?

poppym12 · 14/01/2019 17:07

Thank you for asking @phoebs88. I'm OK. Busy day today sorting out clothes to take to the funeral director then a visit from the celebrant conducting the service. I'm so tired I could scream.

How are you feeling?

poppym12 · 14/01/2019 17:08

Sorry, tagging fail ^^

spiderlight · 15/01/2019 08:45

Oh blimey. My dad's sister, who was fit as a fiddle and an absolute whirlwind at his funeral sorting out all the food etc., has been found dead at home after what looks like a massive heart attack :( It's completely out of the blue and the entire family is in shock. More bad news for my poor DS as well - this is the third death in four weeks now. It's all starting to feel a bit surreal.

phoebs88 · 15/01/2019 09:11

Oh my goodness @spiderlight. Are you ok?

@poppym12 sounds like a busy day, do you have much left to sort? I was a wreck yesterday. Crying for what felt like all day. Feeling better today, have one child at preschool and the other has gone to do the food shop with daddy, so having a good sort and tidy at home. Keeping busy.

Original poster
Mummylin · 15/01/2019 09:56

Oh how awful Spider what a terrible shock for you all. You may have to keep a watchful eye on your ds. That is a lot of deaths to cope with in just 4 weeks for anyone. 💐

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HeronLanyon · 15/01/2019 10:38

So sorry spider. When I read your post I thought also how lovely for her that she was such an important part of your dad’s funeral surrounded by family and love. May not seem ancomfort now hugs forbwhat your family have and are going through.

MyGuideJools · 15/01/2019 13:58

spider Flowers what a shock! How much awful news can one person stand?!

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 15/01/2019 14:28

My Mum died in hospital just after Christmas. My Dad and I were with her - she had been in and out of hospital for most of the year, with some lengthy stays in the year prior to that. Silly thing is, none of the things were individually that serious, but her body had basically had enough and off she went.

Today my Dad and I went to see her in the chapel of rest at the funeral director. The folks who do the embalming and preparation of her body have done an amazing job. They had dressed her in one of her favourite polo shirts and she looked like she was asleep.

All of a sudden I am in pieces. I have to be strong for my DW and our 3 boys but today is not the day when I can do this.

Solidarity for everyone else going through this Flowers

Original poster
Mummylin · 15/01/2019 15:04

Hello Scrommidge so sorry your have joined us here. It sounds like your mum found the last year a bit too much.
It is always a shock I think, even when you have had prior warning of a likely outcome.
I am glad that you managed to see her and that you were happy with how the preparations were done.
Yes be strong for your family, but don't overlook your own grief 💐

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Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 15/01/2019 19:40

I'm so sorry for your further loss spider. It just seems so cruel. I hope you're allowing yourself some space and time to cope.
After my mums death before Xmas I'm finding January so difficult still. I find I randomly weep, like when I'm driving for example. It's all so sad. As a pp said, I'm grateful for my family around me (dh and kids) but so so sad I don't have my mum anymore. I'm still trying to get over that fact existing, I keep thinking there must be a 'but...' and I'll be able to at least talk to her soon. Sounds crazy.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 15/01/2019 20:45

Thank you, Mummylin - that's kind and I think you've summarised 2018 for her as neatly as I've yet seen. I think today I fully realised what I've lost and it hit pretty hard.

spiderlight · 15/01/2019 21:29

So sorry Scrommidge - it's awful when the reality really hits home. Don't try to be too strong all the time - you need to let yourself grieve and your family will understand that.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words about my aunt. I'm still pretty much in 'WTF?' mode about it, while also feeling guilty that the shock of it seems to have sent me a bit numb to the other two losses and I've not been able to cry today. We weren't tremendously close but she was the last of my parents' generation in the family....suddenly realised earlier that that makes me and my cousins the grown-ups now.

Lattequeen · 16/01/2019 20:32

People should just talk more about grief and death shouldn’t they because reading everyone’s posts it makes me feel like I am not odd/ going mad, there are loads of people feeling the same as I do, experiencing the same things as I am. It doesn’t take the pain away but it is comforting in a strange sort of way that this is “normal”, it’s a “process” that you have to go through. I had a busy few days with my Dad sorting out and setting him with a phone, how to to work the TV, his bank etc ( my Mum just organised everything!) which kept me busy doing the sort of things I like to do, sorting and helping out. I’ve come home now back to my family ( I live an hour away) and I have just broken down in a heap Sad sobbing I just want my Mum, and when I ring my Dad and hear the sadness in his voice it’s just heartbreaking.