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Original poster

Family greed after finding out about inheritance

130 replies

AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 06:50

It would be much appreciated if someone could share their advice about this situation.
So, my mum passed about 10yrs ago and since then her side of the family have been unfortunate as in my grandfather was the only remaining relative alive by 2017 and passed this year. Because I am the last remaining relative I have found out I inherit everything he owned (I won't go into detail but theres a LOT of property), since then specially from my Dad I've been put under massive pressure from him in terms of what he wants out of it and what he's "expecting", as I have some months to go before it all gets finalised I want to come up with a plan as I don't want family members using me and expecting me to be some sort of cash cow for their endeavours. I'm really stuck as every conversation we have is about money and it makes me more and more uncomfortable as when the day does come that it gets sorted I can see an argument happening because things haven't gone their way. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do as I'm stuck?

OP posts:
Harrykanesrightsock · 11/10/2018 06:53

I would try and get some professional advice to be honest. Maybe an independent financial advisor. Decide if you want to give your father a gift as a one off payment and stick to it. He sounds very entitled.

ScabbyBabby · 11/10/2018 06:54

Does your dad need help financially? Would your mum have wanted you to help him?

If it was me I would help those I love without them having to ask. Only those close to me obviously.

But they shouldn't be asking of course.

Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 06:57

I was planning to give my family money because that's the type of person I am, but he has asked me to put 10k in to a business adventure of his and the pressure is honestly making me feel ill, whenever I have said anything against it he gets extremely agitated. I am very giving but it annoys me when I'm an adult and I have someone telling me how much I will be giving them before even knowing how much I'm going to get or even asking if it's okay. Unfortunately because he is a parent I struggle to speak up for myself

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 11/10/2018 06:59

It’s difficult but do only what you are comfortable doing. It seems that your DF is expecting you to part with your inheritance, or a significant portion of it. YOU have inherited, no one else, and you DG must have had his reasons. You are blood to him whereas your DF is not. It is yours don’t be bullied into parting up with anything unless you want to.

DragonGoby · 11/10/2018 07:00

"Every conversation we have is about money" - sorry but this is awful. I can understand him having some quiet hopes and expectations, but to be going on about it all the time is so grabby - unless he is in very serious financial difficulties.

I agree with the suggestion from a pp to get some independent financial advice.

MsJolly · 11/10/2018 07:05

Just ask him to stoptalking about money.

I'm sorry because he's your DF but he sounds like an entitled CF

InDubiousBattle · 11/10/2018 07:07

"Dad, for a long time now every conversation we've had has been about money. It makes me very uncomfortable and to be honest the pressure you're putting on me is making me ill. I love you but this has to stop." How do you think he would react to something like that op?

Annandale · 11/10/2018 07:10

Speaking as a person with a dad who is susceptible to scams and criminals, i would never ever get involved with a family member's 'business proposition'. I also have a relative who if i 'helped without asking' would almost certainly be dead of alcoholic liver disease within a short period. Money isn't straightforward because people aren't.

You are just going to have to develop a thicker skin and there isn't a shortcut to that. Every time you respond to your dad by saying 'what have the bank said about your business plan' or 'i dont know what my plans are and i wont know for a couple of years' and the world doesn't end, you will get tougher. Some people will think less of you if you don't spray money around like a hose. That's life.

Take time to get used to your new circumstances, take advice and follow your own path. For example, you could think about using the property you own to offer housing to a particular group of people who are excluded from the current insane housing market. Or you could offer your dad a lump sum as a gift without strings or business involved. But think many times before doing this or anything else.

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2018 07:11

This money has come from your Grandad, would he want you to give it to your father?
A man who harasses his daughter for money to invest In business isn’t the type of person I would trust to run a successful business anyway

Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 07:12

He would reverse it and make me feel guilty about whatever I have said, I have contemplated about lying but I don't want to have to go that far as I'm not a good liar. I have tried saying things like "let's see what we can do when it's all sorted" and "let's not talk about money anymore", anything along these lines really seems to make him angry

OP posts:
Annandale · 11/10/2018 07:14

Sounds like your gf knew exactly what he was doing when he left the money to you.

Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 07:15

What's concerning me more is since he's found out about this money I've noticed he's been taking out debts with this company and being frivolous with money so I feel I might have no choice as he's got it in his head this is his money to spend

OP posts:
Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 07:16

I do need to learn to be a lot tougher and that's one of my biggest problems

OP posts:
Atalune · 11/10/2018 07:19

Cut contact for a while? Write him a frank letter?

But first of all, get some good financial advice. And you ate under ZERO obligation to gift any money your father.

I’m saying that, is £10k a realistic sum?

If you have to sell property it will take some time. My brother and I didn’t receive any inheritance until 8months after my mother passed as we waited on the house sale etc. And of course there are solicitor and estate agent fees to consider.

Annandale · 11/10/2018 07:24

Spending sone money on therapy might be a worthwhile investment.

Aus84 · 11/10/2018 07:24

Tell him that any decisions regarding money and who will get what will be through a financial advisor. That you will be seeking professional advise and sticking to it. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 07:24

There is money and property, as my grandfather lived out of this country it's been difficult as their laws are somewhat different, probate ends in 6months time so I will find out around then how much I get, the only thing I know for certain right now is the properties. I honestly don't feel comfortable with 10k as I feel this is a MASSIVE gamble, he has a bad habit of starting things and not finishing

OP posts:
Original poster
AstroKitty · 11/10/2018 07:25

LOL couldn't agree more Annandale

OP posts:
Overyou · 11/10/2018 07:28

I think you need to decide on a sum you are prepared to give him and then he can do what he likes with it.

Overyou · 11/10/2018 07:29

You would have to be clear there is no more after that.

user1457017537 · 11/10/2018 07:29

Re the advice to use the housing to house people who are excluded from the housing market. Be very careful and cautious. Although well meaning these people have complex problems and it is not for amateurs. It can end up costing thousands people do not always respect your property or possessions. I speak as a landlord who rented a property as a ‘safe house’ for abused children.

DailyMailFail101 · 11/10/2018 07:29

Put it in some sort of account that you can’t access for six months or so and just tell your family (Dad included) that you have taken advice and invested all the money, then six months later release the money and don’t tell anybody. if you then want to give some then you can write a cheque with an amount you feel comfortable with for each person when the time is right and you’re not getting pestered.

eddielizzard · 11/10/2018 07:30

What a nightmare. I agree you need counselling, and that you need to think up your own figure that you'd be happy with. Tell him or email him and stick to it.

He sounds manipulative, bordering on abusive frankly.

CaMePlaitPas · 11/10/2018 07:33

As PP have said, I would go to see a solicitor and a financial adviser. I'm sorry about the loss of your mother, that must have been very painful but I assume that because it passed to your grandfather that her and your father were not together? If they weren't in a relationship at the time I would seriously consider whether your mother wanted him to get his hands on this money - don't forget she knew him very well. Ultimately I would imagine that she and your grandfather wanted/want YOU to have this money for you and yours for your futures. If financially you want to help your father, I suggest saying to him that you'll give him a cash injection of 2K each year for five years, in the meantime he can contact the bank, get a business loan and set himself up a ltd company. This way you haven't said no, and you'll look invested in the business venture but you're managing his expectations. Good luck OP.

LethalWhite · 11/10/2018 07:33

It’s your money OP

Your dad sounds very selfish. Has he generally been a good dad to you?

As PP have said, now might be the time to get some therapy. If several properties are going to be sold it sounds like you might get significantly more ham 10k, and I imagine your dad will keep coming back for more, and more, and more.

It’s the parents job to provide for heir children, no take out reckless debts that they expect their children to pay off! This is your money by right, it should be paying for you to have a better life