Family greed after finding out about inheritance

[AstroKitty]

It would be much appreciated if someone could share their advice about this situation.
So, my mum passed about 10yrs ago and since then her side of the family have been unfortunate as in my grandfather was the only remaining relative alive by 2017 and passed this year. Because I am the last remaining relative I have found out I inherit everything he owned (I won't go into detail but theres a LOT of property), since then specially from my Dad I've been put under massive pressure from him in terms of what he wants out of it and what he's "expecting", as I have some months to go before it all gets finalised I want to come up with a plan as I don't want family members using me and expecting me to be some sort of cash cow for their endeavours. I'm really stuck as every conversation we have is about money and it makes me more and more uncomfortable as when the day does come that it gets sorted I can see an argument happening because things haven't gone their way. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do as I'm stuck?

I've noticed he's been taking out debts with this company and being frivolous with money so I feel I might have no choice as he's got it in his head this is his money to spend

You do have a choice. His debts are his problem, not yours.

You need to stop evading the subject and say “Dad, I need to be clear. I am not at a sure I will be distributing Gf’s Estate. The money may well need to stay tied up on assets and property in (that country) and I will be taking financial and legal advice about how to best protect the assets for my children. Please do not bank on getting cash. Leaving tne money to your grandchildren will be my priority"

Great advice. Put that in writing.

I'd not give anything to a person who's being grabby and selfish. If you do want to give something, make clear that it's a one-off and you are not getting involved in his business. But expect moaning anyway, so why bother giving anything?

I agree that you should wait to see what you actually inherit once all the estate’s debts, tax liabilities and legal bills have been settled.

Unless your grandfather wanted some of the money to go to your dad, then I wouldn't give him anything. Whatever he wanted you to do with it I would honour.
He's asking for 10k now, but once he has that it won't end there.

If you are inheriting a lot of property then £10k is nothing. Ive assumed (probably wrongly!) that you are inheriting well over £1 million. Ive never been in that position, but dont you only find out what you are left once all fees, mortgages etc etc have been paid from the estate?

We haven't got the whole story here so I'm shocked at the people telling you to not give your father anything out of the considerable sum you are due to inherit from your grandfather. That sounds typically Mumsnet/kneejerk. It reads as though you have a good relationship with your father (him looking after your children, seeing him every Sunday). Are you seriously saying you are going to take this massive inheritance (which would have gone to your mother and thus probably be shared with your father if she was still alive), and just keep the whole lot for yourself ?

She's not saying that, she just doesn't want to be bullied. It's a good job it's taking a while to sort out, it gives you time to think.
Be straight with your dad as others have said, don't rush into anything

Cut contact. I would feel that if every conversation was about money then that person only saw me as a means to an end and only saw me as someone who they could get money off for their own benefit.

And once that £10k is quickly gone, because let's face it he sounds like he's already spent it, can you afford the next £10k and the next?
I'm afraid there's no easy way around this without causing angst with your very grabby father.
I would advise refusing to discuss except to say you haven't decided to give him anything yet and for him to stop racking up the debts. A letter may be easier.
These things take a long time to materialise, especially if property is involved.
I would seek independant financial advice and also some therapy to help you stand up to your father to be able to offer only what you want to.
I would be cutting contact as well until you feel able to face him.

Being as you feel you can't talk to him then I'd write him a letter.

I'd say Dad I'm no longer willing to talk about the money as the constant talking about what you will or won't get is making me ill and that's not fair.I still don't know what I will or won't be receiving yet and for the forseable future I have put this into the hands of my solicitor(even if you don't have one yet he doesn't have to know that)to deal with.

Once all of the legalities have been sorted out making arrangements for my DC's futures will be the first thing I do as I'm sure you can understand being a parent and Grandparent yourself.

Thankyou Dad for being so understanding.x

That way your making the presumption that he's far more concerned that his grandchildren and his child are taken care of first which makes it that bit harder for him to keep going on about himself.

You have children - would it help you to stand up to him if you see your inheritance as their future? And speak about it that way to their grandfather.
Hojas the money was left to her, not her father, why shouldn’t she keep it? I wouldn’t feel obligated to share it with someone who only talks about money and applies constant pressure to cough up - quite the reverse

One of our family members lied to inherit £30k in 1983. It was a small fortune back then. They pissed the lot away and died with just enough to pay for a funeral.
They just couldn't handle money.

Your children will need that money later in life for a house deposit, I would think very carefully before squandering 10k on a doomed business start up (Don't do it, is what I am screaming from the roof tops)

I would set him straight now that the money is going into a trust fund for the children. You will not be investing or giving any away and you would prefer that he stops talking about money from now. If you can't say this in person or over the phone then send a text. Then let him calm down and come to terms with the news before seeing him again.

This is your money. You must not feel obliged to give anything to anyone else.

If you can face this head on it will get easy, if you keep skirting the issuer and trying to avoid a fall out then you will have months or years of pestering.

I simply can not get over the fact he is pressurising you like this. He does not sound like a decent father at all, I would seriously consider using the money to source childcare and distance myself from someone, he is being financially abusive and there are tones of bullying in his demands.

This has happened a couple of times in my wider family.

On the negative side: Your father will never stop asking for money from you or telling you that he deserves it as he is your family. If you don't get involved with his chaotic finances and bail him out he will want to vilify you to other people, especially those to whom he owes money. Some people in this situation even try to sell the story or send in the flying monkeys and use social media as a weapon. Don't underestimate his determination nor his resentment if you refuse him.

On the positive side: A financial advisor with a working knowledge of the country in question will be valuable to you. If things are still in the early stage there will be some time before assessment takes place and probate is granted. One of the options that may be offered to you is to place the assets in trust - that can take time and be used to ringfence any money there is. You may even want your FA to administrate your inheritance and that could be a good thing because you'll have advice on how to deal with demands from family. Your advisor really will be your friend in this because they have seen it all before.

Your somewhat complicated relationship with your father has really had the veneer ripped from it and at the moment it's very hard for you to see how to manage it, but my strong advice is to step back and get proper advice and support from independent and impartial advisors before making any decisions.

*easier

I am in two minds here, am i right that your mum and dad were very much together, but your grandad didn't approve of their marriage due to your dad being a different race?

if that is right, if your grandad had died before your mum, the money would have gone to your mum and as she was married to your dad then he would have benefited to it.

it is your money, your choice, but it sounds like your dad has supported you with your children when you were struggling and so i would be tempted to gift him some of the money, but not as part of the business but just as a gift. but as others say, wait till every thing has been paid and then see where the land lies.

If there are several properties it sounds like the inheritance will be in 6 figures at least (unless they are overseas or mortgaged?).

In that case £10000 is not much. I would get legal advice as others have said but make the gift and make it clear it is a ONCE and only payment.
Then draw a line under it.

the money is yours. Therefore it is up to you what you wish to do with it. Have you a mortgage/debts? Can you clear those? Do you need money money for University/school fees? can you put some money aside for children when they reach a certain age? Now is there any money left? if you decide to 'invest' in the business make it known that this could be a one-time payment - a gift and as such you are not involved in the debts (if any). if the business succeeds then you also dont want any money - you invested out of goodwill. Do NOT be pressured into something and as others have said - once the money is handed over it will be assumed you are a cash cow unless you actively point out (ideally in writing) this is a one time gift.

Oh OP what a horrid situation

There's some excellent advice here, if you are planning on gifting family members at some point I think you do just need to tell your dad that you are not interested in investing in his business but what he does with this amount is up to him and the rest will be invested under advisement for his grandchildren so not to expect any future gifts.

Good luck.

HRTFT but wonder if you could 'discover' that it's all tied up in a trust fund and you can't get your hands on cash?

I don't see why he should get a penny. Let him earn his own money. If the grandfather wanted your father to have the money he would have left it to him so why go against his wishes.

I like this uggest reply above

“Dad, I need to be clear. I am not at a sure I will be distributing Gf’s Estate. The money may well need to stay tied up on assets and property in (that country) and I will be taking financial and legal advice about how to best protect the assets for my children. Please do not bank on getting cash. Leaving tne money to your grandchildren will be my priority"

In fact I would be more definite. Sorry it will all be going into a trust for my children.
if you do that it is protected if you marry and then divorce and instead will be for the children.

I don't know the value but if it is say 5 properties worth £1m I would see a solicitor to advise you on the best way to deal with it eg you do not want inheritance tax taking 40% of it when you die for example. you also should take advice no whether the properties are better off in a company despite annual ATED tax and 15% stamp duty to transfer it or better in your own name in the light of tax rates and laws on landlords

@wizzywig where on earth did you get that astronomical number. That's a gross assumption. The OP never even said what country, how many properties, their size, etc.

As for the "other country" or "abroad" part, the OP could be in England the other country is Scotland for all we know. Heck, even Ireland.

The other thing if you promise £10,000 now and he boasts to other relatives/friends/chancers then they may out their put their hands out for their share/investment in their projects too.

It could take a year at least to sort everything out, sell assets to pay inheritance tax, before you get the residuary of the estate.

I would wait and see and in the meantime tell him politely to back off.

Just think of it this way. If your grandfather wanted to leave money to your Dad, it would be in his will. If he's left it to you, it's because he wants YOU to have it.

Your loyalty lies to yourself and your DC. If someone badgered me for money, they wouldn't get a penny. It is YOUR choice, not theirs.

There's been some good advice here OP about the possibility post-payment of debts, inheritance tax, legal bills etc about ring fencing some money into trusts. A good solicitor can advise you on this. You can also talk to a solicitor about the vulnerable position that you find yourself in with your family (Some actually specialise in these situations) and they should help you structure the funds in such a way that you cannot be too easily pressured to handover ad hoc. You need a solicitor who specialised in wills, tax and trusts. Make sure that are sufficiently experienced - ideally a partner of a few years who is well experienced, not a new recruit. Ask to see their CV and fees before you commit. Their advice and guidance will be invaluable.

i agree with cameplaitpas and also not to rent to people in need. they are the ones with trouble for a reason. they dont respect your house or pay rent and cause thousands of damages to fix after they left or they wont leave. what you need is a clear head. ask your dad why? if you dont trust him, dont get in business with him. Bear in mind there are inheritance tax which can goes up to as high as 50,000 or more. so be diligent. do not spent any or give any away until you know what tax and payment you have to make. tell your dad you cant help. maybe a thousand or two a year is ok if its a lot of properties. but then like you said, if its a lot of properties, you probably could afford it. question is maybe use one of the property like holiday home that the family could use for holiday but have to ask you? selling will only caused more tax to pay. ask a financial adviser what best to do? maybe go into rental with letting agent to manage as you dont know the pithole involves? its a lot to think about and you cant leave it empty too long as time cost money and losses. but dont get too involve into investment into shares either if you dont know the market. there are alot of wolves around when you are in money. look after your dad as its your dad. he is not your enemy but you do need to be nicer to your family too attitude wise not use money unless they needs it. but then once you know what you owe and n what needs paying, if you know there are spare, take them on a holiday! or give a once off money, not huge amount. they cant expect to have half share or huge share of it. dont tell them anything. just say its not much or they will go on a spending spree