Family greed after finding out about inheritance

[AstroKitty]

It would be much appreciated if someone could share their advice about this situation.
So, my mum passed about 10yrs ago and since then her side of the family have been unfortunate as in my grandfather was the only remaining relative alive by 2017 and passed this year. Because I am the last remaining relative I have found out I inherit everything he owned (I won't go into detail but theres a LOT of property), since then specially from my Dad I've been put under massive pressure from him in terms of what he wants out of it and what he's "expecting", as I have some months to go before it all gets finalised I want to come up with a plan as I don't want family members using me and expecting me to be some sort of cash cow for their endeavours. I'm really stuck as every conversation we have is about money and it makes me more and more uncomfortable as when the day does come that it gets sorted I can see an argument happening because things haven't gone their way. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do as I'm stuck?

I agree totally user. I have a friend who rented her house out while studying in another city and had her house wrecked by drug farmers despite all references etc seeming kosher. Sorry to randomly tgrow out that syggestion, just wanted to get tge focus off 'help family'.

Op id take the pressure off yourself. This sounds like a lifechanging amount of money and it could be a long time before you know what you want to do. I wiuld start saying to your dad 'i won't be spending any of it for a long time and i dont want to mux business and family.' If he kicks off, distance yourself. You are not a cashpoint.

Beware also of financial investors or their advice. If there is substantial property to manage put it with a good management agency of estate agents and negotiate the fee. You don’t need to put money into any schemes just live off the income.

I wonder if he sees the money as 'his' as if his wife (your mum) had still been alive then she would have inherited everything. Definitely take financial advice and remember the you don't owe him anything.

Write him a letter or an email so he can't misquote you. Say you don't want to talk money any more and won't have access to anything for a long time. Stop seeing him if he doesn't respect that.

Was he close to your GF? Do you have any siblings and cousins who might have expected to inherit or is he the only one pushing? He needs to learn some boundaries.

You need advice an IFA they can protect you and can deal with the family if necessary

Please stay strong and ignore the requests OP, DP got a substantial inheritance when his DM died when I was pregnant and distant family all came crawling out of the woodwork asking for handouts. After loads of fake 'emergencies' (one member claimed they were going to default on their mortgage and needed £3k, he gave it and a week later they called up saying they'd bought iPhones and hover boards and could they have more?) what we suspect was a fake cancer diagnosis and many 'business ventures'. He wasn't in a good place and before I knew it he'd given away £100k. Now that I've said no more giving said family members have strangely backed off, but it's the using and betrayal that hurt more than the money. People who will use you for money are not worth having in your life, if they strop about not being given £10k or whatever I'd consider going NC to protect yourself. We could have bought a house and now it is out of reach for a long while due to others greed.

I agree with others that you should see a financial advisor, and maybe use some of the money for therapy to help you with the pressure and guilt that your dad is putting on you. I doubt your DM or your grandfather would be happy with the way your dad is treating you now, it's honestly appalling to badger your child for money like that imo

Every time you respond to your dad by saying 'what have the bank said about your business plan' or 'i dont know what my plans are and i wont know for a couple of years' and the world doesn't end, you will get tougher.

This ^

Your inheritance could lead to a lot of heartbreak if you go along with everyone who asks you for money. Hang on to it until you see a cause where you could really do some good. Your father will come to respect you if you do not just give him what he wants. If you do (give wha5 he wants) he will never stop asking and never be grateful. Its very sad but that is tbe way the world works.

Its quite a responsibility you have been handed, and you have all tbe time in the world to grow into that responsibility to use the money wisely. Consider getting your own will written, so you can hand it on to the next generation.

One rule of thumb which would stand you in good stead would be 'if you ask, you don,t get'.

If the money is out of this country and you want to bring it into this country then it may well be subject to tax.

You don't know how much all this money is - most of which seems to be tied up in property so it's not available ready cash.

You need to find out about how to bring the money into the country - you also need to work out how to manage these properties abroad and the cost of it - or look at selling them off.

Just tell your dad to get lost. Stand up to him.

OP you sound really nice, and your dad sounds like nothing more than a petty bully. You know what happens when you give in to bullies - you give them the green light to push harder next time.

I think you need a phrase to hold on to, and if he gets angry as you repeat it, you put the phone down/walk away/shut him down somehow.

he's been taking out debts with this company and being frivolous with money
You do, indeed, need to be a lot firmer with your dad; otherwise, you may well find he's spent his way through any inheritance and there will be nothing left once you have paid his debts. Which in all probability you will do unless you toughen up.

There was a long time when I was a teenager we didn't get along, I felt I come second to his girlfriend's and being an only child made it worse. I feel my mum passing done him some serious damage and that's why I try and forgive, he loved her very much and she suddenly died, very unexpected. When things are good things are going alright but when there bad I just want to get away from it all. I lived with my nana (his mother) for best part of my life. I recently went through a rocky patch where I was severely depressed and he was helping me with my children for some time helping me take a lot of the burden off, I feel like in a way I owe him for this

nothing left once you have paid his debts.

You have absolutely no responsibility to pay off his debts. Read any amount of threads on NM, about how have debts cleared just leads to more debt. Sorry, but a letter now reminding him of this would be a very sensible move. All the best.

It will just be the start if you give in to his pressure, OP.

Agree with others and repeatedly tell him that you are doing nothing unless your financial advisor Ok's it. Text him, email it, then tell him over and over so he gets the message. He's totally taking advantage of you already and the money isn't even here. Firm up or you really will find it hard when it does arrive.

I assume your father thinks the money should actually be his since has your mum still been here it would have come to her (him). Were your parents still together when your mum passed away?

If the grandparent you’re inheriting from is your mothers’ parent, there might be a good reason why he wants you to inherit and not your dad. I could inherit substantially from my mum (i wish she would spend it all on holidays but she lives a very frugal life) but her will specifies things (i don’t know how it works,solicitor dealt with it) that my husband does not get any of her money, I think she foresee which way my marriage was going years ago! I would set your dad straight in very clear terms, in writing if you have to. Good luck! X

Yes they was, my grandfather and that side of the family was against multi cultural marriages but never showed any prejudice against me thankfully we was very close they was just set in their way of life but didn't get on with my other side of the family

I think my view would be coloured as to whether your Mum and him were together. If so, I would agree to the 10k sum. Let him squander it, it is no difference to you.

I agree to put it in writing, an email would be fine. ‘I have been made very uncomfortable by frequent talk about money at what has been a difficult time for me. I do not want to discuss the matter any more with you. Due to this, I am not currently planning to give you any money, now or in the future, so please do not base your business or personal decisions on this. If that changes, I will contact you. If you can accept that then I hope our relationship can now go on as normal. If not, then I regret that, and I think it best we don’t meet up for the time being.’

“What's concerning me more is since he's found out about this money I've noticed he's been taking out debts with this company and being frivolous with money so I feel I might have no choice as he's got it in his head this is his money to spend”

This tells me the opposite of what you are feeling: that you have a Duty NOW to tell him you will not be bailing him out.

You need to stop evading the subject and say “Dad, I need to be clear. I am not at a sure I will be distributing Gf’s Estate. The money may well need to stay tied up on assets and property in (that country) and I will be taking financial and legal advice about how to best protect the assets for my children. Please do not bank on getting cash. Leaving tne money to your grandchildren will be my priority”.

I would be tempted to say no to your father now. Anything less definite and he may think he can talk you round to a bigger amount as time goes on which may be why he keeps talking about it. He shouldn’t be taking on debt with the thought in the back of his mind that you would bail him out. Say no. Say you aren’t going to discuss your future ideas. If you decide to give him cash or anyone else much later on he is hardly going to complain that you’ve changed your mind!

If you are inheriting several properties and a lot of money, then even with tax, you'll be a very wealthy person.

Your dads partner/your mum dying, would have have hurt him deeply and he has helped you without charge!

tbh though i don't agree with him asking (did you ask him for help when you were depressed?) £10k, in the grand scheme of things, is absolutely nothing at all.

Everything you write screams 'don't give him anything' im afraid. At least until you have had a few years to think.

He may well have expected the money to come to him. My dad was gutted to find there was no money when my granny died. Just think of your grandfather and his active decision to make sure you would be provided for. Respect his decision, take your time. There is no rush.

If property is involved 10 k should be easily affordable. But just give him a lump sum dont invest in anything of his as then you will be partly responsible for putting more money in if it goes wrong. Property overseas could be a stress as you are totally reliant on your letting agents. You could say to DH that if he mentions money once more you will give him nothing but get some ad ice and move away as DF might not stop hassling - if he loses the money you give him he will come back for more.

A good father would want you to have all of the money and not guilt trip you into funding him, which once you start is a hard habit to get out of.

I would not give him a penny, helping out with gc while their mother is ill is just what families ought to do.

Your a giant walking cheque to him. I wonder if he helped you to make you feel obligated?

Tell him it's tied up you can't make any gifts or purchases without supplying proof of what you want it for? Or tell him no

God, how depressing. He’s your father. 😰

All the harridans here saying don’t give him a bean are really off the scale.