Family greed after finding out about inheritance

[AstroKitty]

It would be much appreciated if someone could share their advice about this situation.
So, my mum passed about 10yrs ago and since then her side of the family have been unfortunate as in my grandfather was the only remaining relative alive by 2017 and passed this year. Because I am the last remaining relative I have found out I inherit everything he owned (I won't go into detail but theres a LOT of property), since then specially from my Dad I've been put under massive pressure from him in terms of what he wants out of it and what he's "expecting", as I have some months to go before it all gets finalised I want to come up with a plan as I don't want family members using me and expecting me to be some sort of cash cow for their endeavours. I'm really stuck as every conversation we have is about money and it makes me more and more uncomfortable as when the day does come that it gets sorted I can see an argument happening because things haven't gone their way. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do as I'm stuck?

Make an attorney the bad guy and put all the proceeds into a trust (cash or property whatever your accountant advises - and you definitely want an accountant to offer opinions for "a lot of property"). Set the trust up someway that makes sense on the back of how much value is - i.e trust will invest in AAA rated stocks and bonds only and 90% of the growth can be handed out by the trust to be allocated as you see fit; or 5% of the total value of the trust including growth if you want more and are willing to see the value go down to 0 over 20 years or whatever timeline makes sense.

He should not be expecting anything. I would not give him any amount directly. If the banks aren't willing to lend on his business then it's too risky for you and you can say that your financial advisor has done a plan so the money will last you into old age.

He has helped you with your children because you are family. I would treat him to a lovely holiday with you.

Start as you mean to go on, if you start handing out then they'll just keep coming. The business venture needs £10k, then it doesnt work and need another £5K, then............it just goes on. You gave to your dad so aunt wants her slice......

How much you inherit and what you do with it is no ones business other than to wish you well with it. It was given to you by your grandfather for you and any children's future.

I would look at how you could invest it to give you an income boost for life and something to pass on later. Tying it up will mean you dont have hard cash to give away.

If he falls out with you over it then that tells you exactly how much he thinks about you.

I would hold off gifting any money. I would see a financial advisor. Perhaps you could buy a property to live in and reinvest the majority of the money in stocks, shares & bonds over a ten year period so it's not openly accessible. You might have children at some point so you have a duty to keep some for them e.g. university, wedding and first home. Please don't waste it on your Dad. Your grandad didn't leave it to him, he was hoping you'd use it to improve your future. House and kids gets my vote.

You can't gift any money now nor can you promise it as you don't yet have it. Asking you to commit to a figure is ridiculous. What if you agree to 10k and you only get 8k? Will he expect everything you get.

Remember this is your GFs gift to you and in some ways you have to think about what your GF would want you to do with it as well. He will have wanted it to go to you and your DCs, not your DF.

I would say when the time comes if 10k becomes affordable to you, and you were thinking of that size of gift then give him it but leave him exceptionally clear that its all he will get and if he fritters it away there's no more left after that.

@Tinkobell The grandfather didn't live in the UK, so it's highly likely the assets are also abroad and therefore UK IHT doesn't apply. However it is right that OP considers all of the local taxes that will be payable.

On a practical note you definitely need a financial adviser and solicitor. There’s a lot to sort out before you start giving it away, including any tax liability for you. It’ll be a while before you even know what you are actually left with.

You need to say firmly to your DF that you are not discussing the inheritance, that’s between you and your late DGF. Tell him you don’t know how much there will be but you will not be making any decisions about it for at least a year.

Your DGF was your DM’s father, yes? Not a blood relation of your DF’s. So he has no right to expect anything, nor do you have any obligation to share your good fortune.

Suggest to your DF that he considers equity release to fund his scheme, since he no longer has to think about leaving anything to you.

like everyone else has said get real advice from a professional, and tell your father you will be placing what ever is left after taxes etc in a trust and wont be able to access it for quite sometime, as this is a shock you need time to grieve and time to learn to a bit about finances so you can make sound financial decisions so you don't fritter it away so its in a trust until such a time as you feel comfortable with the huge responsibility of handling grand dads legacy and making sure that it will be sued to ensure the children get a great education and a head start in life... he can hardly argue with that logic can he... a trust till you feel you can handle the responsibility and doesnt have to know when that time will be

used not sued

Going against the grain here but your dad brought you up as a single parent in tragic circumstances. Why would you be so grabby as to hang on for dear life to everything you will inherit. It's a windfall. Unless there is a massive backstory I would definitely be trying to make my dads life more comfortable. That might not be giving him £10k ( and that's your prerogative) but I cannot understand why you are so stressed about the whole thing. Ok he has been rude asking but maybe he is quite stressed about money generally. Be kind, I can't believe some people are suggesting you go NC.

@ballseditupforever did you read about how much he is bringing it up and nagging and turning up at her house to talk about it? He is being a nightmare.

Everyone seems to be assuming there's going to be a lot of cash.

Inheriting property here, in the UK, can be expensive.

Probate, title transfers, taxes and other expenses means property often has to be sold to pay the duties and only then can any beneficiary inherit the remaining cash.

Property abroad can be a legal and financial nightmare, with confused titles, taxes, mortgages and legal fees all regulated and charged differently.

You don't say which country your Grandfather held property in, but your comment about different cultures rings bells.

Are the properties held in a country where property is kept 'in the family', rather than sold?

Will you be expected to sign property over to a male relative, regardless of how distantly related?

Are there any other relatives who could complicate matters?

This sounds like a fiendish nightmare without adding grief for your GF and your 'D'F's expectations.

I agree with a previous poster.

Your 'D'F needs to be told sooner, rather than later, that he is not entitled to any cash, if there is any and running his business into the ground in the expectation that you'll pay his debts will result in bankruptcy.

The attorney fees are going to have to be paid, property sold and that could take years.

For those that say it should be simple for OP to give £10K to her father, the fact the property and assets are overseas is the issue. FWIW my uncle died 3 1/2 years ago in Spain, there is a HUGE legal issue with the property he owned there, the estate is worth several hundred thousand Euros if not millions - I don't ask, but nothing can be sold or released, and yet there are costs and charges building up for various properties that my poor cousins are struggling with paying. Probate has just finally been granted so the backlog of fees and charges has been covered from his bank accounts but if the whole thing winds on for much longer then there is no more money to pay out and the debt accumulates. Spain is not a country known for acting quickly on legal/property matters from what I hear.

As others say get proper sound legal & financial advice pertinant to the country you are dealing with.

Myother yes I read that, but it sort of depends on exactly what is happening and exactly what his circumstances are, surely? She doesn't have to give him anything that's her choice. I like to think I would help my dad. He's being rude though. But the op will know all of the backstory and I think it's important not to just convince yourself you are being reasonable based on the fact that faceless people online who have only heard your side of the story are saying that's ok. Maybe dad thinks grandad could have done more to help over the years? Maybe dad has not been able to have the life he hoped for.

OP, I feel so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, always easier for those looking in from the outside than being the person who has to deal with it. A few thoughts.

Lots of good posts on dealing with the practical side.

It’s the emotional side that’s the tough bit.

My Dad was in insurance, did well mainly because he declined to do business with family or, indeed, friends. He’d seen it go wrong so many times.

Bear in mind whatever decision/s you take someone in the family will feel bad about it, unfortunately you just have to live with that. When it comes to large amounts of money and family, there’s no way you can predict people’s reactions.

If you feel you want to do something for your father then I suggest you make it clear that nothing will happen until solicitors and others give you the all clear regarding inheritance tax and any other costs/taxes are paid. Then explain you don’t intend to invest in anyone’s business but if there is any cash available, and if any cash is available needs emphasising, (see Ariela) you plan to make a one off gift. If that’s what you want to do.

I wish you well and hope you have someone supporting you through such difficulties.

The other thing that if the property is abroad, there may be more distant relatives who decide to squat in the property, as you're not there to keep an eye on things, and then it will all become a mess.

My cousins inherited some land in a foreign country (where returning expats are often targeted and attacked), and they have had a nightmare sorting stuff out.

I just want to add. I have no issue at all with giving my dad money, and also want to add no he didn't bring me up which I explained but I don't hold that against him, the money is not the issue the constant talking about it is, both of my son's have trusts that me and my ex partner both put money in them per week from our wages and my dad knows this so knows he can sort of take advantage where it comes to my kids, amongst of other things that I won't go into great depth here but by the way things are being said I'm gonna be expected to pay a lot more. The properties I have inherited are in a foreign country and even though I know what properties I'm being left, do I know how much they are worth? No. I'm not a greedy person but I am also a single parent with rent to pay, a university loan and various other debts and I don't want to make promises, get him all excited and have a massive argument because money he expected to recieve won't be possible.
So yes :) greed has nothing to do with this

What do your kids' current trusts have to do with the situation with your dad? My kids have long term savings, their grandparents put money in every month as well as us doing so. That's the only relevance your kids' savings should have to their GPs. Your dad sounds like he has no boundaries at all if he's trying to use the fact your kids already have some savings to wheedle money out of you.

Whatever you decide in due course when you actually get the inheritance, I'd make sure it's clear that settled and final or he's going to be a pain forever. If he's not good with money perhaps you could get him a small annuity rather than a lump sum gift, but talk to your financial advisors.

If you don’t know what the properties are worth, he certainly doesn’t. How can he put pressure on you to give him money when he doesn’t even know what’s in the pot?

You just need yo yell him to chill out and not talk about the money anymore as it's stressing you out and making you ill.
Explain you have no idea at the moment what you will end up with after local taxes, fees and outstanding bills/debts have been paid off. Explain you have a solicitor (and get one soon) to deal with it because it's a complete minefield and a very timely process. Say your solicitor has explained there is potential fitmr a considerable portion of your inheritance to be eaten up in taxes. Remain vague but start trying to build the worse case scenario picture to your Dad - that ultimately there is potential for your huge inheritance to not be quite so huge.
Just say I don't want to discuss it anymore. I will re-address all of my options once I know what I will be receiving. Explain thst your solicitor has ven mentioned 8f you gift large amounts there are further tax implications for him. Be vague about taxes fees etc but explain for now you just want to live life as it is - within your means and not think about it until it's finalised its actually quite a legal headache and his constant mentioning it is stressing you out.
Then when the time comes and you know what you will actually be receiving (NEVER divulge this info to anyone least of all your grabby dad) you can choose how much you would like to gift your dad.
He sounds like an entitled and over excited kid tbh. He needs bringing down to earth and a picture built that its not as simple as him asking for an amount and walking off into the sunset with it tucked in his back pocket.
Its about preparing him for the worst case scenario. Not because you might choose not to gift him but you might find your fortune is a smaller fortune by considerable margin after all the legal guff taxes fees etc have been dealt with.

First of all OP, your sons’ trusts are nobody’s concern but you and your ex’s.

Secondly, putting pressure on you to give him anything, let alone 10k + is really horrible and selfish and manipulative.

Sadly I’ve discovered that inheritance money changes people’s attitudes towards you, and they can get very grabby indeed. I had an inheritance from my Mum last year, and was very generous with family, all of which has been thrown back in my face. We don’t speak now because I’m no longer a walking bank, because it got to the point where it was people not paying rent and expecting me to fix it, or running up debts and expecting me to clear them. After a 4 figure lump sum I might add!

So be very wary, people who are after cash will stoop to any level, because money changes people.

I am also a single parent with rent to pay, a university loan and various other debts
Bet your GF would like you to pay off your loans and other debts, buy a nice place for you and your children and have a nice life before you even think of giving some to your dad.

Tell him the money will be tied up in property for at least three years, watch him disappear.

Oh dear. Anyone who has made getting your money the sole topic of his conversation for months, isn't someone who is going to be satisfied with a one-time gift.

If you give him any, he will badger you for more. If you give him none, he will badger you for more.

Really sorry OP but sounds like this relationship is toxic, time to cut him lose. Looking out for your own interests is NOT "you be selfish", it's you being conditioned to be a nursemaid for everyone else. Enjoy the money and enjoy your life and especially, enjoy not having any toxic people in it!

Just be honest with him - Look, dad, I don't want to get your hopes up and promise I can give you anything because I don't know if there will be anything left. It's going to take a long time to sort out everything, and in the meantime, the bills to deal with this and the running costs are mounting. Then there are various taxes that will have to be paid and if anything needs to be sold to pay for these debts, this will also come with a price tag. I understand you want to start on your business, there are things that I want to be able to do as well to secure the financial future for the dc's and I, but until it's all sorted I am stuck.

If he brings it up again, just say the same, I told you it's going to take time and I don't know how long.. Anyway how's your week been?