TTC after stillbirth

[minxymoo]

Hi, I had my daughter March 4th this year, she was stillborn at 26weeks. I'm feeling really empty and desperate to try again but we still haven't had her autopsy results, so don't know if its safe. I dont want to replace her - I never could. But at 35 I'm desperate to become a mum and have another try. I've bought fertility sticks and might just try again even before we get her results. What do you think? Has anyone got any advice?

dalilaa -- I'll be thinking of you on Thurs!!! Good Luck.

My advice is to write down all your questions or potential questions. As all mine seem to go out of my head the moment the consultant asked if I had any questions ! (at least I had my list)

Good luck for Thursday dalliaa, I'll be thinking of you.
USAUKmum right, write down any questions just in case you forget anything. xxxxx

Hi Guys, it came back as unexplained the placenta was small and so some of his organs were unsymmetricaly small even though he was a good weight, but they did mention i had a low body max index going into the pregnancy, so now i feel so bad, I ate really well through out the pregnancy but she said she would have to mention it, suppose to make sure i really rule this out going forward. She said i could try again straight away. I feel that my world has been ripped apart though, as I am now so worried it was all my fault. I guess the fact is it was unexplained and so i will never know but it is eating away at me, so much, i just feel so sad for every one.

dalliaa don't feel guilty. It is unexplained. Though I know, I felt incredibly guilty as well when they said ours was unexplained placenta problems as well. Did I work too hard, etc. Try not to dwell too much on what could've/might've done it. It is incredibly hard not to beat yourself up, but by doing so you can't change the past. So you just need to think about the future.

Be as healthy as you can be. Then, relax and try when you and DH are ready. It might not be tomorrow (or it could be !), but you will know when the time is right. Whether it is sooner or later.

{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}

Thank you so much ukusa mum, i honestly felt like i was loosing the plot this morning i got my knickers in a real twist but you are absolutely right i must drag myself out of this hole i really must.Its not good for anyone. I really appreciate it. xx

How are you feeling today daliliaa ???

Minxymoo -- still doing okay with being pg??

I'm off tomorrow to the State to visit family, but I'll be able to access MN there

Hi USAUKmum a bit better but had a terrible weekend, it has taken me right back to feeling scared and vulnerable again.. nevermind i will get there, have booked in for my first counseling session on wednesday which i think will really help. ooo enjoy the states, have a lovely time, eating ding dongs and easy cheese . gosh this thread is getting long, shoudl we start another one? how does that work?? xx

I just wanted to bring everyone upto date and maybe spread some positive stuff?

I had a stillborn girl in April 05 at 24 weeks pregnant.No reason,movements stopped and scan confirmed worse.All later tests revealed nothing and it took two year to get pg again (one mc at 5 weeks in between)

I have just had a scan today as thankfully am now in 25 week and baby doing well.I know I have a long way to go and some days I feel very very scared but just wanted to say good luck to all those ttc and say that even at my age (40) it is possible

xxx

Chocopeanut ! Congratulations. Good luck for the rest of you pg. It is mentally straining.

jabuti -- You still doing good? Remember the baby will go through a growth spurt at 4-6wks & around 12wks! Tiring (gut I did lose 5-8 lbs then )

Daliaa - Please, please don't blame yourself. An unexplained verdict is hard to deal with I know, it leaves many so unanswered questions, but its good to hear you've been given the go ahead to try again when you and DH are ready.

Have a great holiday USAUKmum.

Fantastic news chocolatepeanut {{{hug}}}

Still not used to being pregnant again and having real communication problems with DP. We were really strong unit when we lost our daughter and talked about everything but now I'm pregnant again neither of us want to talk about it. It just seems we're totally ignoring the fact, to the point that DP forgot the midwife appointment! I don't really blame him really I could have reminded him but I just wanted him to remember and be excited like we were for the first pregnancy.An unfair test and I'm not proud of my actions especially considering I'm not excited either just really scared. Its all such a mess.

Oh Minxymoo i am coming through the fog a bit thank you and have to push the thoughts out of my head that there might have been a different outcome if things had been different because they weren't , I hate my consultant for making me feel like that. I think getting pregnant again is so much what you want and then i guess when it happens, things get tough. You will have massive ups and downs I can imagine with this pregnancy and i guess we all have to accept that although we will be over the moon there will be that feeling in the bottom of our stomachs, the fear and terror of it happeneing again. I suppose this will make both ourselves and our DH's feel terrified of getting too attached this time around. I know you will get through this and have a wonderful healthy baby in your arms. I am so hoping to get pregnant again soon but also I am terrrified of everything that will mean. we are always here. it will get better and easier and once you have your baby in your arms you will never look back. xxx

Oh Minxy.....I agree with Dalilaa.
I should imagine that it will be much harder to let yourself be truely happy or relaxed this time and it must be very easy to keep detached knowing what happened last time. I think that is probably our natural protection instinct.

Maybe you will feel a bit better after you go past that dreaded 26 weeks?? Who knows....I think that we will all fret because each one of us has lost that innoncent ignorance in expecting everything to be fine.

I would love to think that I would relax into my next (if there ever is one !!!!) pregnancy but I know that in reality if I couldn't feel a movement then I would be in a total flap!

Lots of people find pregnancy hormones and all that they bring hard enough to deal with anyway...let alone everything extra that comes to you after losing your precious daughter. Try to be kind to yourself (and DH) and don't worry if you are not excited....it'll come.
X

((((hugs)))) to you too Dalilaa.
You did all that you could and I know that you will do all you can for another child when your time comes again.
X

Minxy -- Big hugs to you and DH !!! It is so hard. We all have our own way to deal, and hopefully with each week your DH will start to feel more involved. You could try and talk about how you are feeling. Especially as you both used to talk about everything. It takes a long time to get your head around it.

Personally I couldn't relax until I had my DS in my arms. And even then didn't fully relax until DS was about 8 mths old. The hormones were zooming around my body and I think only just finally left about 2 mths ago (DS is 3 !)

We're having a fun time over here in the US. Hot and sunny with just one day of storms so far.

hi all, im back after 2 weeks offline, we just moved houses and there was nothing installed here, not even a phone line!

minxy, it is so important to keep talking with your DP. by aknowledging the lack of communication, you are already moving towards a solution. i dont remember from the older posts, but did you try counselling?

our DD is doing well, and as USAUK said, its so hard to be totally relaxed. even though i seem to be getting more relaxed every day, once in a while i have nightmares that something bad is happening to our DD, and i can only interpret it as a fear that i have deep down. i dont want to sound negative as if 'we cant ever recover'. i dont believe on that. i really think there is a good and bigger reason for life to put us through this all and we are learning as it comes.

hugs to you!

jabuti -- hope the new house is good ! So much to get in order.

I had nightmares as well. After Robert was born, I'd often dream of being responsible for accidents with DH or DD or both being hurt or killed. They went away, but I had a few more in the months after DS was born. I haven't had one for a long time now.

Hope everyone else is still doing okay.

Hi Everyone, glad you are back on line jabuti, new house how exciting !! All is good with me, just been making the most of the weather and doing some gardening and chatting to the chickens!! I am feeling sdo much better this last week, i am not sure if its just the hormones finally settling or a great homeopath i went to see a couple and weeks ago but i am slowly starting to look forward rather than back. By the way for all who are waiting with baited breath I have had AF appear although i am not yet convinced I have ovulated as no painful boobs but i have definitely been super emotional in the week before, and defnitely had a 'period' as such my DH is away this month so I am ready to start getting back on it after that and we shall see. I feel mentally in a much better place now. I had no idea how getting my results would effect me and it was horrid.All good now and I am on hols at the end of the week yippeee. Love to everyone xxx

hi all!

the house is finally organized, and we can relax a bit. our dd will be 7 weeks this coming up tuesday, and only yesterday my sister said we looked less tired

i felt emotional when i read your post dalilaa, i cant help but project my own path towards recovery and how good it was to find out that i still could be fine, that everything was fine as it was, and we could move on. its such a relief to get to this stage... im glad you are there too!

having a break from nightmares now, USA. phewwwww.

Hi. My DD was stillborn at 39 weeks on the 21st September this year. She was due to be born by elective section at 9am that morning but I went into labour during the night before. We went to the hosital, excited and just expecting to have the section a couple of hours earlier. I had felt her move happily the night before at 10pm while I was having a bath. When we arrived at the hospital, the midwife tried to listen into her heartbeat but could not find it. I was not too perturbed as she said the baby could be in an awkward position so she got a mobile scanner unit out and called a doctor. The Doctor spent some time looking at the scan and asked the midwife to call the consultant in from home. At this point I started to panic and the doctor told me she thought the baby had died. When the consultant came in from home, he confirmed it. Our whole world collapsed from that moment.

Things are still very raw, we had Emily's funeral on Friday which was incredibly hard. I have a 2 and three quarter year old son who is a blessing but I do find it hard being around him sometimes as I look at him and just have a feeling of such imense sadness when I think what could have been with Emily - I will never know her as I know my son now. Has anyone else who has lost a baby but already has a child felt that?

All I can think about, even at this very early stage, is getting pregnant and I have been told I have to wait at least 3 months, mainly due to the section scar. Reading some of these postings is making me panic that even when we do start trying, it might not happen for us. I am 35 and worried about this too. Getting pregnant really is the first thing I think of in the morning and my last thought at night and then I feel guilty that I am obsessing about this rather than concentrating on my grief for Emily which is overwhelming but I feel that at least when I am thinking about TTC, I am not drowning in the gut-wrenching grief I feel.

I also have to wait for the post-moretem results but have been warned that they are unlikely to find a cause - I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing.

So many emotions and feelings to deal with at the moment but I have found this thread comforting to read. It certainly helps to know I am not alone which unfortunately, has become more and more apparent in the last couple of weeks. You never really hear about this kind of thing until it happens to you and then you realise, unhappily, how common it is. God bless you all.

So, so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through Cozzor.
I have no experience of other children as my DS was my first-born.
He died on his due date and I suppose that I am lucky because we had a definite reason for him dying (a knot in his cord) so we didn't have the awful agony of a post mortem to wait for.

I think for some people, the focussing on ttc again soon sort-of dulls the grief a little because it adds that hope factor back into your life again. I was worried that I wasn't really dealing with the grief as we started ttc about 2 weeks later...I had a vaginal birth so no worries about waiting medically.

Sadly it had taken us nearly 5 years, and some fertility treatment, to conceive our DS so we didn't want to 'hang around'!

I'm glad that this thread has been some comfort to you at this horrid, horrid time. I often lurk around (?!makes me sound really dodgy!!! ) so if you ever want to vent or 'chat' feel free.

Emily is a beautiful name BTW.
Cogs.
X

Hi Cozzer I am so sorry about your story, I know exactly how you feel, it is the most terrifying experience, I have been thinking about another baby from the day Archie died we are trying and I know now that however much i thought i was ready every week i am getting stonger, Archie was our first baby and all my friends are pregnant or have newborns and it is everywhere all the time. As with coggy I also check in on the thread regularly and have found so much support from others that have been through the same thing... there seems to be so many of us . My PM did not tell much but i had to wait 4 months and it was awful. Emily is a beautiful name and i am so sorry this has happened to you, I am not sure it ever gets much easier there is always an aching hole in your life, i guess you just learn to live with the hole. Sometimes i just can't beleive it has happened to me at all. My thoughts are with you. xxx

Hi Cozzer. So sorry to hear about Emily

My DD was 2.4 when my Robert was born. But Robert was only 20wk when stillborn, so not as close as yours was. It was difficult to be around my daughter sometimes -- it was probably helpful that she was still in childcare 3 days a week as I was working at the time. But I did also find her a comfort as well. She would wrap her arms around me and tell me it would be okay. All feelings are legitimate. As no one has your exact experience.

We waited 5 mths before conceiving again. Fortunately for us we concieved straight away. But I had done for the first two as well. My DS was born 13 mths after Robert. And is now an energetic 3 yr old.

Will be thinking of you and your family.

BTW I was 33 when DD was born, 35 for Robert, 36.5 for DS.