Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

oh no! how disappointing mummylin you must be gutted. Hope the bp sorts itself out. is it usually high?

May I join you? I lost my Mum on Saturday and had a very supportive time over in Chat when we were in the hospice with her.

Bit lost now.

Been high for last week, hopefully can get it down by next week.
Hello Weemac so sorry that you have had to join us. I think it's normal to feel lost to start with. I expect you have been visiting the hospice and now your routine has changed.
It's a very upsetting time , but I hope you were able to spend as much time as possible with your mum whilst she was in the hospice.
There will always be someone here to chat with or ask questions if you want to know anything.
Hoping you have RL support as this. Can be invaluable. One day at a time will get you through 💐

Thank you Mummylin. My sister, Dad and I were lucky enough to be able to stay in her room for four days with her on fold out chairs. So we weren’t apart from her at all which was very special.

I’ve come home for a bit to see my kids (DH been a star) and am feeling odd being disconnected from Dad and sis.

Hello (can barely bring myself to type this) do you mind if I join you?

My beloved Dad died on Monday, after a fairly long illness, catalogue of misdiagnoses and a correct diagnosis which came far too late. I'm utterly heartbroken.

His death in the end was swift and peaceful, but the awful trauma of the preceding weeks still haunts me, as do the flashbacks of him lying there, my mum's grief and the nurse holding me while I told him how much I loved him. The care he received on the last ward was exceptional, I don't know how to thank them all, I need to find a way.

Yesterday, I was fairly functional, I cleaned the house and did loads and loads of washing I'd been neglecting, today I'm a mess. I have a 5yo DD, so really need to keep on for her sake. DD is coping so well, we have told her that grandad is in heaven, we didn't mention "too poorly", for fear of a paranoia about illness, she is sad and curious, but quite accepting. She keeps talking about him in heaven and I find this comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.

I work in oncology, death is no stranger to me, but this is my Dad and my heart is breaking

Much love to anyone who is going through this hell, I wouldn't wish it on anybody

Hey Millie. Crap isn’t it. We were Saturday so we are fairly close.

We were accurately diagnosed but far too late and it had been missed a number of times.

The ‘what ifs’ are haunting me.

welcome wee I'm glad you decided to join us. I bet DC are pleased to see you, how is your dad coping?
millie I'm so sorry you are joining us, of course it's totally different when its your dad, no matter how much death you see.
I also work in a hospital and see death (my dad died in the same hospital) but losing my dad was/is totally heartbreaking, more so than I ever imagined.
I'm 7 months on and i miss him so much.
Take each day as it comes, let DD talk about grandad. I felt I wanted a photo up straight away, but I know some people don't.
I still text my dad all my thoughts, silly I know but it helps me. I also took 3-4 weeks off work as I found it so hard going back to the hospital.
Look after yourself

Thank you. Yes DC happy I’m home, they seem to have changed in a week although I guess I probably have too.

My Dad, who knows, hard to tell I think sometimes, especially when they are trying to protect you.

Wee and Millie, I too am sorry for your loss. Use this group however you need, everyone is so kind and I have left and come back to it many times as I’ve needed to in the last 9 months. The first few weeks and months were horrible but I found my two children 5 and 2 a great source of strength. To start with I cried every time they mentioned Grandad, but I told them to keep talking about him as it kept him in our hearts. I have a photo of him and my son on the stairs so that I see him every time I go up and down. Tomorrow would have been his birthday and we are planting a rose in memory of him in our garden and having birthday cake! 🎂🌹 xx

I'm so sorry to those who have joined here (Wee, Millie and anyone else). I didn't realise how much this hurt before, but now I do it makes me so sad that anyone else has this pain.

I am finding it very difficult. I'm not 'allowed' to grieve as I have to be strong and support and look after my Mum, my Children (and my DH a bit, because he is grieving too). I also am having to deal with a lot of the admin that death causes as well as working. I feel totally stuck in the middle of everything. And my Mum is going to need me so much for a very long time (I hope), but that also means my life has changed completely and not just because of my Dad's death. I have so many emotions, but I can't express them as I have no space and I'm so busy.

Hello Millie sorry you have joined us but hopefully we can help you through these first early days.
It is such a distressing time whenever we lose someone it almost seems unreal at times. I used to think " this can't really of happened ". Then it hits you all over again, and the reality of our loss sinks in.
It is such a life changing situation, but for now it's enough to get through each day, that is enough to think about for now in these early days. We all understand on here so don't hesitate to use us for support. 💐

Viennese I know what you mean. I'm feeling quite stressed at the moment. I'm being cheerful in front of mum and am keeping her busy, taking her out etc which I don't mind atall but what with that and a stressful job and running a home it's all getting a bit much.
I had a bit of a breakdown at the weekend as I just wanted my dad! Easter was always special as it was around his birthday and mum and dad's anniversary but now it means nothing. I don't think DH knew what to do with me! I feel like I'm on the edge and very near to falling in
I've got to stay strong and hold all this together!

MyGuideJools, hang in there. It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job keeping everyone going, so don’t be hard on yourself. I had a similar breakdown a month ago and felt so incredibly low. I remember that you lost your Dad shortly after me so I wonder if it’s just ‘a phase’ in the grieving process. After a few weeks the clouds suddenly lifted and I’m finding life far more manageable, at least for now. A friend who also lost her Dad told me that grief comes in waves, sometimes we’re just paddling in the water and other times we’re drowning. Xx 💐

thanks alibaba I think you're absolutely right about the grief coming in waves. I think once I get dads birthday and parents anniversary over I will feel less stressed.
I'm so proud of my mum, she seems to be doing better than me!

Has anyone heard Ed Shearan song 'supermarket flowers' ? I was in tears in the Tesco car park earlier
Be warned, it will have you in tears!!

Jools- I'm not surprised Supermarket Flores made you cry. It made me cry when I heard it months ago, before I lost my Dad. I dread to think how hard it would be to hear it now.

I had my own song cry earlier at Mike & The Mechanics "The Living Years" earlier

oh gosh Viennese I'd forgotten about that song! that would make me cry before I lost my dad. Don't think I could listen to it right now

Another one that gets me is Luther Vandross 'dance with my father'😢

I'd forgotten too until it came on the radio earlier.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry we all find ourselves here. My dad passed away today after a relatively short illness. He had been fit and well until a couple of weeks ago so it's all a bit of a shock. I don't really know how I feel, I think mainly numb to be honest.

I'm worried about how my mum and sister will cope and the practicalities seem overwhelming. I work and have an almost 2 year old, I just can't see how I will fit everything in. My lovely Dad.

sunshinegirl I’m really sorry you’ve had to join us too. When my Dad died my kids were 2 and 6 and I wondered how I would cope, but somehow you just do. I would advise that you go to the Dr on Monday to be signed off sick. I ended up having 5 weeks off when my Dad died because there was so much to sort out. Take your time and do a little each day but make sure you look after yourself. 💐

Hello everyone. I am so sad that new people are joining us - I'm sorry that you're with us and hope we can be of some comfort, or a sounding board.

It's interesting regarding the songs - I found George Ezra's 'Paradise' and have been belting it out in the car - words about life and love running through my veins. I know what I want to do and where I want to get to, so I'm trying to be in the moment when I can. It would be too easy to go into the rabbit hole and get lost in it all day long otherwise.

vienesse I am in a similar situation regarding supporting my Mum. We are trying to get her more independent financially and practically. We just don't have capacity to support emotionally with all the finance and practicalities we've been sorting out. And this is just the start of it all......

millie It's so strange isn't it - sometimes it's full on practical and at others, I'm watching netflix randomly, not wanting to go to sleep because I hate waking up and remembering all over again, that my Dad has died. It's a very strange experience.

Sorry, can't remember who else to tag / reply to, but am sending hopes for a peaceful weekend for us all. I intend to get photos of the daffodils and work tomorrow - everyone is out and I've not done any work for what feels like a long time - I'd like to get some stuff ticked off my lists!

Thanks for the welcome, it's nice to have contact with people who can understand.

My dad was only 71 and fit and healthy until a couple of weeks ago. We knew he was very ill in hospital but I just always sort of assumed he'd get better. I still can't really believe it's happened.

It's like I've got a permanant voice over going round in my head reminding me that he's died. On the surface I'm going through the motions of life, I went out for a walk yesterday, played with my son, put him to bed, watched a film with DH but there's never a break from thinking about it unless I'm asleep. Then I have to wake up and think about it again.

I've done what practical things I can so far, there's so much to sort out, I can't see how we'll ever get through it all. Part of me thinks if I can do enough I can sort everything out so we can get back to normal but obviously things will never be normal again. I don't know how to sort things out for mum, as this was so unexpected his affairs are all over the place.

I hope everyone else is having a calm weekend and managing to feel ok.

Sunshine - I know how you feel. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly at about the same age as yours, so it was the shock of it all as well as the loss. I still can't believe it, and can't really let myself believe it either as I have to be the strong one.

How's your mum doing?

I'm sorry you're going through this too Viennese. My mum is bearing up so far although it's still very early days. My sister is staying with her for now and I'm inviting her round lots.

She's not ready to face most of it yet I don't think. His stuff is obviously all over the house and she won't let my sister move anything. I suspect it won't hit properly for a good while yet.

When did you lose your dad Viennese?

sunshine although my dear dad was ill, we thought he had a few more years with us, he was early 70's
He got pneumonia which caused numerous complications with his illness and we suddenly got called into hospital where he died that night.
So we wernt atall prepared for it and it is such a shock.
Dad was well up with technology and did all his banking etc on line. So mum had no clue how to access banking, emails or anything as she just wasn't interested.
I must say the bank were brilliant so don't be scared to use them, they had a special bereavement dept.
Now 7 months on, mum reads emails (doesn't send them!) and can access her online banking
it's bloody heartbreaking but slowly little things fall into place ⚘