Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I'm sorry about your dad myguidejools, it's the shock I think that makes it harder to accept initially.

My parents finances were fairly separate and everything (including my mums mobile) is in his name so there's a lot to unpick! My mum is perfectly capable of doing everything but I think she just doesn't want to have to if you know what I mean, because it makes it more real I think. Plus we have to actually get access to everything. It all feel quite daunting at the moment but it helps to know other people have got there!

My Dad was 73 so a similar age. He had been ill with numerous illnesses for years so we all got used to the fact that he wasn’t 100%. He became very unwell a month before he died but his GP referred him back to the hospital for a routine appointment so it was a huge shock when he died, at home peacefully in his armchair. Dad did all of the finances and household bills so mum hasn’t got a clue. She’s also been diagnosed recently with early stages of Alzheimer’s so I have had to take on managing her accounts and bills despite living 180 miles away!
I found that all the banks had bereavement services and most of the utility companies too. We used the ‘tell us once’ service when we registered Dad’s death so that helped alot too.
I feel we’ve established a new form of ‘normal’, I don’t like it but I’m beginning to accept it.

I second the tell us once service.
Most places were helpful and kind.
The worst were Vodafone who were shocking, but dad never had much joy from them so I wasn't surprised!

The worst I encountered were Southern Water who wouldn’t let me transfer the account from Dad’s to Mum’s name, they said she had to set up a new account. They then sent her a letter saying ‘welcome to your new home’!! Appalling service!

alibaba that's awful
Vodafone stopped mums contract aswell as dads then kept sending bills and threatening letters. mum now has a pay as you go phone as it was all too stressful for her.

Alibaba- same here with my Mum's water company. The service on the phone was excellent, but they have just sent a "welcome to your new home" card to her.

I find it extremely irritating that the utility companies keep sending me "how did we do? " surveys which are really not appropriate. One company (I can't remember which) finished their call with me re my Dads death with "have a great rest of the day"!

My Dad died just over 5 weeks ago. Like others have said, nothing was in my Mum's name and Dad did everything like that. She is going to have to learn so much, but hopefully once everything is sorted out and set up it should be straightforward and I am happy to help her with anything, although it's very weird knowing about her (their) finances.

I am now ensuring that everything is put into my name as well as DHs and making sure I know how to do everything (like read the gas meter) that I've never actually done before...

vienesse Vodafone also told me to 'have a great day' after I'd told them my dad had died
I started off by saying dad had passed away, but the lady on the phone didn't understand what I meant by that. I literally had to shout at her that he was dead it really upset me as it was the 1st person I had phoned.
I agree, these companies really should do better!

What do you do when people you sort of know, but not very well, ask you how you are? In a how are you today way, when they are oblivious? Local shopkeepers, mums on school run etc? It feels weird to say, fine thanks how are you? I have an urge to tell everyone that my Mum has just died.

wee I know what you mean, I do tend to say 'ok thanks' as I feel people who care about and know me well already know about my dad.
when I went back to work a few people asked where i had been ( we work shifts so can go weeks without working with the same person) and I explained about my dad, but my close work colleagues already knew.
But sometimes when out and about I just wanted to scream 'don't you know my dad's just died!'
I guess we never truly know what is going on in someone else's life, however jolly they might appear.

I've taken to saying "not too bad thanks" which is the best I can come up with. I've asked colleagues etc to spread the word so I don't have to explain and obviously all my friends and family know what's happened.

I'm debating whether to go into work tomorrow. I won't get paid if I don't and I don't want to be bankrupt on top of everything else! I think I might try and see how I do.

Is anyone else finding they're exhausted? I'm so tired all the time, I feel like I could sleep all day.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend.

sunshine it's totally normal to feel wiped out I think after a bereavement.
I found that when dad was in hospital I worried constantly and slept badly. when he died there's a different kind of worry.
Sleep is the way our body deals with it I guess.
I think it took me a good 6 weeks before I felt a bit more 'normal
Look after yourself

Agree. I’m a massive insomniac yet never slept so well, at precisely the time you think you wouldn’t.

I'm the opposite. Only about 3 / 4 hours sleep a night at most in the last year.

I can’t set during the day though- am so twitchy and fidgety- on the edge of panic all the time.

Hi everyone
My mum died just over 2 weeks ago. It was expected she had Altzheimers. I was with her she she died, it was peaceful. I lost my dad when I was 16 I'm now 48.
Since my mum died I've fallen out with a brother and sister. There are 5of us all together they all live in one town and I live 60 odd miles away.
I'm on the verge of separating from my husband. He's been no support and just doesn't do talking and feelings and I can't live like that anymore.
I'm also currently trying to get an ehcp for my daughter who has SEN.
I don't know which way to turn. I'm not sure if I can face the funeral now with the fall out. I don't want to make small talk or have people talk to me.
I feel like I'm loosing it. I'm already on meds for depression.
I feel so alone I just want to run away and disappear

Welcome Lois. Sorry you are having such a terrible time.

I’m a bit broken tonight and not up to writing much, but am with you in spirit.

By the way, I don’t see any reason why you can’t do the funeral without the small talk. I can quite easily see myself disappearing (probably to the bar) right after DM service.

It’s a month today since I last saw my Dad. Just feel so bloody sad ☹️

I'm sorry Mabel, it hits you sometimes I think when certain milestones pass.

Lois, I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on, do you think it might be worth seeing your GP to see if they can signpost you towards some support?

We are going to the funeral directors today, can't say I'm looking forward to that. It's also the first time that I've been back to my parents house since dad died which is very strange.

Peace and strength to everyone.

sunshine hope all goes as well as can be expected at the funeral directors.
mabell it's horrible when the milestones pass. I look at dads photo and feel so sad that I havnt seen his smile for 7 months.
wee I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
for everyone

Love to everyone xx
My daughter wants to go so i think we'll do that then go for some lunch by ourselves afterwards. She's only 11.
Big hugs to everyone xx

And back to you all.

I had a friend around tonight who lost her Dad three years ago. There is comfort in knowing this happens to us all. Not much, but a bit.

Lois- that sounds like a good plan. My children came to the funeral too. I was worried about them, but they were actually fine. Your DD is a good excuse not to hang around too.

I'm finding it very hard that everyone seems to expect me to be fine now and I'm not. It's been less than 6 weeks but nobody mentions my Dad or how I'm feeling. And it's not like they just don't know what to say, it's like to them it's in the past.

I find I'm very cross with people at the moment. And I hate Facebook and everyones happy Easter holidays. I want to scream "it's not fair!"

Viennese I found that just after my mum's funeral. People just expect you to be fine straight away. I'm almost 3 months down the line and I'm better than I was but a long way from being fine.

I do find I'm on a short fuse some days as a 'well meaning' friend found out when they told me I need to find something to fill the gap!

As for Facebook, I try & ignore or hide people.