Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I’m sorry to all the newcomers. I went to a memorial service on Friday for someone I knew who was killed by a drunk driver in a car crash in October. Her husband was in intensive care for so long that they had to have the funeral without him but wanted to wait until he was well enough to be at the memorial. She was only mid 60’s, had just retired and had a long list of things to do and see. It was the first funeral that I’ve been to since my Dads so I found it very hard.

They read a poem which really touched me and has given me a new perspective on grief. I thought I’d share it.

She is gone.
You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Beautiful.

Hello everyone, glad to say that I am feeling a lot better now, but dh been having a few probs involving hosp visits now, it just seems to be nonstop at the moment.
Sorry to see we have more new posters, but lovely to see that they are being supported by the rest of you. It really does help to be able to chat with others in the same position.hopefully I will soon be back to posting normally again, it seems ages at the moment. 💐

It never rains but it pours, as they say. Look after yourself, Mummylin, and I hope DH gets better soon too!

alibaba I chose that poem for my dad's funeral. I find it very comforting

Yep definitely doesn't just rain it pours! Now the MIL is in hospital!! Love that poem, going to see if we can read it at my mum's funeral next week.

alibaba that's a lovely poem - I'd love to share it with my dad but I'm not sure he'd appreciate it 😕

Hi, my Dad died a fortnight ago. The funeral is on Monday and bringing out the worst in our extended family.

He had lung cancer, which was no longer responding to treatment although it was pneumonia which killed him in the end. I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my second child, one he desperately hoped he could hang to meet and I just feel numb.

daffodils so sorry youve had to join us. my dad died in exactly the same circumstances almost 7 months ago.
It's so hard, I miss him loads.
It's bittersweet for you having a new life inside you, I can't imagine how sad that must be.
Funerals can sometimes bring out the worst in people. Hopefully on Monday everyone will pull together?
Would you like to tell us about your dad? sometimes it helps 🌷

Hello everyone, so many things I want to reply to here.

Thank you Jools for saying that you just have to shut your thoughts off. Makes me feels much better about deciding to turn mine off.

Daffodils, you must be all over the shop. So sorry. I don't know what to write.

MooMeg, so sorry your MIL is now poorly. You must all be feeling very stretched.

MummyMumMums - I think when someone is ill like people are with dementia - like my Dad was, you're just left so tired and have been so stretched - I'm thinking that it's a natural state to be in, to feel like you can't give enough to another person - who in this case is your Mum. I know it was more complicated for you than that, with your Dad being so far along with his dementia as well. But I do entirely know what you mean - and my Mum has no physical needs per se. I just struggle to support her emotionally. I feel she pushes so many of my buttons that I don't want to have any emotional conversations at all. I am embarrassed to read that back. I feel guilty. But I'm just so tired. I can't do it. So please don't beat yourself up or judge yourself for what you did or didn't do for her. I'm worried in case I've phrased this wrongly. I don't want to upset or cause offence. But I wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling stretched, worrying that you didn't then and can't now do enough.

ChristmasLightLover thank you, that helps. I'll keep reading that. I feel I took my eye off my Mum and lost her, but the rational side knows she gave up on life because of Dad's decline which devastated her. It's been a frustrating time - just wanted her to eat. I'm sorry you're feeling bad too but I'm grateful for your honest words as it's how I think I was too.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I lost both my parents last year both while I was pregnant, Mum died when I was 9 weeks, Dad died when I was 20 weeks. We had an early gender scan at 16 weeks while dad was in hospital - unfortunately we found out the same day my Dad had terminal cancer, he died exactly a month later. He was delighted we were having a baby girl, I wish so much that they could have met her, it breaks my heart knowing she'll never meet them

hotpink how are you doing? I can't imagine how tough it is not having your patents share the joy of your new born. I'm so sorry🌷
I had a bit of a meltdown tonight. DH's bro was taken into hospital after a collapse. we were in the same a&e and ward where my dad was before he died 7 months ago.
It just bought it all back
It's a bit mad cos I work in the same hospital ffs!! but in a different ward. Need to get a grip!

Can you see it as an opportunity to grieve Jools, rather than needing a grip? We tend to get on with life, but these moments when it all comes crashing down allow us to grieve and process our loss.

to everyone.

thanks pickle I had a good cry and feel better now. I was just surprised at how it made me feel. Doesn't help that relative is now on the exact ward where dad was.
I'm ok now tho.

My mum was chatting with another widow today, about places they find hard to go. Surprisingly, she went to a funeral yesterday, including the crem bit at the same place we took dad last month. People were surprised to see her, but she hadn't thought about it ahead of time, and then found she was already 5here, if you see what I mean.

pickle I know what you mean!
I knew we were going to the hospital and to a&e and the thought never even occurred to me. But as soon as I walked in there i became really emotional, such a weird feeling.

My dad died 10 years ago. In the early days I used to spent about 6 weeks feeling absolutely crap and emotional about now. Then it just stopped.
This year all those feelings have just appeared out of no where again.
It makes no sense, then or now.
It's not his birthday nor is it close to the time he died. Yet it's always felt like an emotional trigger.
I wonder where it went and equally why I'm fealing it so acutely again.
More a ponderance than a question I think

It was my Dad’s funeral today. He died Monday 12th March after being diagnosed 4 months ago with terminal stomach cancer. He was only 66 and I miss him so much. Heartbroken doesn’t begin to cover it...

I'm sorry, Mabel. You didn't get long to prepare.

Drivin, maybe your mind has decided it's safe now. Were you busy with children or work pressures before, and now you have some space to consider it?

mabel sorry youve had to join us.
It's all happened so quickly for you. You must still be in shock.
My dad died very soon after diagnosis. I'm still coming to terms with it 7 months on. Some days/weeks I'm fine but this last week has been really hard. You are right, it's heart breaking. Do you have any support? is your mum around?
Be kind to yourself, it's early days

@Mummylin
Hope things are ok with you

Hello to everyone 🌟
DM's Funeral is on Saturday. Mixed feelings about it. Worried the weather won't be good for the burial.
Have step gm's funeral tomorrow (8 hour round trip alone for that) and then another in April (fiancés aunt ) and then an old neighbour who died on Monday night. Feel like a merry go round of funerals.

Hoping to get a telephone appt with a doc today to talk about it all, don't want medicating but struggling to function in normal life without snapping at DP, etc.

Thank you. I am very lucky, lots & lots of support. I am worried about my Mum but she also has lots of support so hoping she will find a new ‘normal’.

It’s consumed our life’s this past 4-5 months. Both me & my sister live close to our parents so we have been visiting nearly everyday. I am lost now and don’t know what to do with myself... what makes it worse is knowing how distraught I feel & knowing it will be so much worse for my mum...

I'm here. Kind of. It's two months today. Is that all? It is still so very strange. Wrong. I am sad. I feel tired and confused. This is so shit. I am tired of feeling so sad. Determined to do better for Easter holidays though with our boy. Half term was utterly pants. Hoping to feel more positive soon and that everyone is ok.

Thoughts are with you for Saturday flowers.

Agree Mabel - my Mum is struggling and I am doing my best, but nothing anyone does can make it better. I think just being here is good. But it doesn't feel like enough.