Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Hello all. I haven't been on in weeks but I want to save to everyone new and not new that I'm so glad we have each other to lean on. I'm sorry I can't be a source of encouragement or strength today. I'm in bed and overwhelmed and depressed. It's been a little over 4 months since I lost my dad and I feel like I'm back at the bottom of the bucket again. This sucks. Sorry for being so negative. Love too all.

Sorry beauteaful. It will pass and then come again. It’s tough but you will get through.

Hi Bonapp I can't believe it's been six months for you😢
I know exactly what you mean about the 'illness'. It's all consuming, and I have moments when I get really upset about how dad suffered. He, and we, thought he had abit longer and he was so brave when we were told the time was up.
It's almost 16 months now and coming up to Xmas again is sometimes unbearable.

Hello to all the new posters. I am sorry that you have cause to join us, but it's so good to have somewhere to be able to voice your fears and worries.
For those if you facing your first Christmas without your mum / dad I can recall the horrible sick feeling as it grows nearer.
All I can say is that you will,probably have a few tears, but somehow you will get through the day.
The firsts of everything are very upsetting, but we seem to get the strength from somewhere and cope with it all.
I am on a countdown now as my dh has a quite big op on Dec 17 th ( terrible timing ) but it has to be done, so I am really busy trying to get all my gifts and everything done before that date,
I hope you will all still get to enjoy parts of Christmas and raise a glass to our missing loved ones. 🍷 remembering all the people we are missing.

Thanks mummylin. Swerving between feeling very low, feeling uplifted by my dear ma’s life and care for me always and now also dealing with difficult family/will/emotional dynamics. Just keep thinking we’ll all come out the other end and be able to accommodate our loss within a more normal life.

hi everyone

hugs for anyone wanting them.

I'm still in a weird space, mostly anxious about how mum is doing without dad. But every so often I find myself getting irrationally annoyed with people. I had the pharmacist say to me "I haven't seen your dad for ages, where is he" - he knew he was elderly and ill, so it seemed an odd question. He looked really shocked when I said "dad's passed away".

a friend who lost her mum 6 months ago seems to be feeling even worse and I don't know how to help. Also I'm mostly staying with my mum, so am several miles away from my friend. She is seeing a counsellor but I'm not sure how helpful she is finding it. Her mother's death was a complete shock so a very different experience than me and dad.

PS interesting to see all the guilt mentioned

dad was so ill, he really needed to go, but I feel so guilty for thinking that.

Today's been tough for me.
But I just want to thank someone on here who has made it feel a little bit better. You know who you are.
And sending much love to everyone on here. May your weekend be peaceful.

Well at my mothers house tonight after long day of sorting out paperwork. It’s comforting and very sad, all at the same time, being here. Really can’t believe she’s gone. But I’m sure we’ll struggle through. Hugs to all here in need of one.

I found it quite comforting sorting mum's stuff, and because we havent got probate so the house can go on the market I pop in every other day to check things over/pick up post etc. I quite like being there, it feels as if she still might be - but in her happier days, certainly not the last 5 months of her life. Sometimes I sit down, watch a bit of TV, have a glass of wine, cuddle the dog (my dog not hers!), it's restful and peaceful.

Hi all I'm hoping you can help

My fil has been given less than a year to live after a two year fight with throat cancer. I think my dh would benefit from a support group but he's not keen on talking out loud about it. Are there any forums that anyone's aware of that might work for him. He's a bit wary of mumsnet unfortunately but if no one has any ideas I will try and convince him to post here.

Hi,

I haven't been here for a while but always pop back this time of year. That's 4 years now since I lost my mum and I still miss her so, so much. In some ways it seems like it all happened yesterday and in others it seems like so long ago I spoke to my beautiful mum.
Time does help to make things easier, but easier in that I have only learnt to live with it. Every time I think about her too much, I well up. I guess it will always be like that and a bit worse on the anniversary.

To everyone else who has lost a parent .. xx

I was planning a trip to see my parents this time last year. Now my mum is coming to me as being home is too awful. I had a lovely last Christmas with my dad... I know I’m lucky but this year is so painful. Im hanging on to the fact I was lucky to have someone I loved and miss so much... We all were. Hugs to us all x

yolofish I too find it comforting to be at mum’s house. Used to see her weekly so it is something to do with my own rhythm of ‘going down to mum’s’ and also it just seems lovely to see her things and her small daily details ( her weekly shopping lists which always started with ‘wine, cigs, sudoku booklet’ ). I too watched tv, listened to the archers, had some wine etc. Felt sad and lovely all at the same time and an important part of realising she is no longer there/here.
weshouldopenabarhope you find something which helps your dad and hugs to you for coming months (and to all posting here).

hi all

I'm still mostly struggling with how down mum is after dad died. I know there's no answer to this, but it's just so hard to switch off and not worry about her.

Hugs to you grace. Just found out there is to be an inquest re my ma. Nothing suspicious but they could not identify cause of death clearly. Finding it very difficult to get my head around. Gone to bed !

Heron, goodness, that is hard to get your head around. Do they do things quite quickly? Hugs to you

No but funeral can go ahead. Looks like it will take 6-8 weeksnforninquest to be done. At the moment I’m not worrying as it’s nithing suspicious or distressing but they just can’t be sure of cause of death. Really feel for those bereaved for whom the wait is hugely difficult and distressing because there is concern about something.

Post mortem and inquest seems to be overdone at the moment. It must be so hard, I really feel for people caught up in that. Hope you're okay with it Heron.

Coroners are newly having to comply with 26 week rule for cases to be completed. What used to be left open pending result of further tests (which then might result in an inquest to follow) is now automatically put into the inquest system to avoid delay. So lots of cases where it is highly highly likely to be natural causes are now newly in the inquest system to meet government time requirements. Understand and it’s good there is some oversight to stop awful delays in cases but it does seem ridiculous where it’s simply eg elderly person who clearly died of a natural cause but they are just not sure exactly what.
Got this info from coroner friend, not the awful coroners court I am dealing with.
Holding it together but do want it to be sorted soon.
Hugs all.

sorry about the inquest heron, we had pm for mum but they found a cause. We are going to complain about (lack of) care though, and also comms - main cause of death was bronchopneumonia which we were NEVER told about. I wasnt able to visit for the last 2.5 weeks of her life (my DH just diagnosed with cancer) but DB was on the phone to them daily. Had we known we would both have made sure we visited, even though she was so demented by then...

For you, it's just another 'thing' to have to think about - rather than just your mum. I am sorry.

So sorry to hear that yolofish. Not what you need to be dealing with on top of everything else. Have come across a few stellar people in all of this but overall our experience has been really shockingly bad and a lot of it about communication. Stay strong. Hugs all.

I feel as if something changed with inquests and post mortems...I won't bore on about it but some of the situations I've come across have really baffled me. well, short details - a brain bleed in an 82 on meds that increased the risk massively, and an 80 year old with cancer, who died in a hospice...of cancer.....

it puts the family under so much more strain.

The change is because of the new protocols which coroners courts have to follow to meet time targets. Families haven’t caught up cos ‘inquest’ still carries really serious connotations . . When I’ve told a few people they have been really shocked thinking perhaps there was foul play or similar. Have had to say ‘nothing suspicious just not yet clear ‘. My coroners court didn’t explain any of this. Actually they didn’t get in tiuch at all until I sent a very strong complaint and forced them to communicate with me ! Luckily I have friends who are coroners who explained for me. Hugs all. Know there are some for whom inquests are serious and potentially troubling.

I'm back, it's been a few months since I posted here, but I'm back. We put the trees up today and now I feel that Christmas is truly happening. I don't know how I feel about it. I want Christmas. I want us to feel happy. I want excitement for our 10 and 11 year olds.

My Dad died in January and I'm back to the points of waking in the night, more than once, and remembering that he's died. Is this first Christmas stuff? Or just Christmas? Or that we're in a period of financial stress because the business I run with my DH is struggling?

Anyone have a crystal ball? Or a way to turn my brain off?

Will now go and see who's joined since I was last here.

Mummy Lin - hope that the upcoming op will at least give your DH a resolution. You've been waiting for something for so long for him. Am thinking of you.