Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Missing my mum so much today, this will be our first Christmas without her. She died suddenly on my daughter’s birthday in February. I have survived her birthday and mine and first trip back to her house after the funeral, but I know Christmas will be horrendous. I just want her back now! I have so much I want to tell her

olivia12
It's so difficult. I constantly go to pick up the phone and call mum. Now it's the run up to the holidays and it's horrible. I'm dreading it.

@FlamingGoat me too....we just have to be with loved ones at Christmas and remember the good times

Just lost my ma today. Thank god she died peacefully and at home just as she wanted and we didn’t have to go through dementia/care etc. Feel really relieved right. Ow and slightly guilty about feeling that way. Hasn’t sunk in yet. Know I will miss her dreadfully as we were really close. Good wishes to all who have lost and are missing people on this thread. It is tough.

So very sorry to all those on here who have lost. My darling Mum died at half past four this morning, at the hospice as she wished, but only 14 hours after arriving there. There was so much about her death that was actually beautiful - times of being awake and seeming to be hearing me, the moment of passing, the fact the gorgeous moon was rising as I drove back to the hospice after taking dad home, and setting as I left to come back to mum's house this morning. And it's thanksgiving day today, which is so fitting as I have so much to thank her for.

I am posting really because I know I will be on here a lot as things sink in. The caption about grief a few posts below this sums up what's going to be hardest - she was my go to person when I wanted to brag, or moan, or gossip or needed advice. Will miss her so much.

to all the new posters.
I totally get the 'relieved' feeling, of course it's a relief that your loved one isn't suffering anymore, but it's normal to feel guilty for feeling this too!
My dad died last September and suffered a lot in the last few months, it was so horrible to watch so yes it was a relief, but also really really sad.
This will be our 2nd Xmas without him, the man who loved everything about Xmas! Last Xmas was tough and we just went through the motions, not sure if this Xmas will be much better but he would want us to enjoy it, so I try to live by this thought.
Last year I bought a new bauble for the tree to remember dad by, it was a glass heart and took pride of place.
mum seems abit down these last few days so I'm taking her out for lunch today.
Best wishes to everyone, take one day at a time♥️

I haven't posted before but I'm really struggling. Dad died last Christmas. It's not even my own grief that I'm struggling with, it's my Mum's.
I've been worried about her ever since really, she only has 1 friend who she sees infrequently, her and dad were extremely insular, my sibling and I both live at the opposite end of the country and have families/busy jobs so only visit very infrequently. I keep in contact and calm my own anxiety about how she is by texting her every day, i like to think she enjoys having someone to 'talk' to about the little things, although I don't know for sure if she is only tolerating me. She has ups and downs, and is obviously devasted and just going through the motions, but she has been 'ok' over the summer, and talking about plans for next year which i thought positive.
Lately her texts have been getting more pessimistic, as I expected would happen approaching the one year anniversary and was dreading. Today shes had some minor bad news (news where she is going to have to take action to sort it and is likely to drag on for a bit), and she texted mid afternoon to tell me and then say shes going to bed and doesn't want to eat dinner. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm panicked this is the start of weeks of worrying texts, her shutting down on life, stopping eating, dying. I know one bad day does not equal that logically, but I do think she is possibly not going to pick up again for some time (?ever) and I REALLY don't handle it when she is obviously struggling like this. She is very underweight already having lost a lot of weight while caring for Dad and not having managed to put any on all year despite eating well, so her skipping a meal freaks me out. She already tells me she wakes at 2am and can't sleep again, so having gone to bed mid afternoon is definitely going to mean a night awake for her probably getting more and more worked up. I don't know how to help her, I don't know how to switch off myself when I've started worrying about her.
Added to the fact I've currently got hyperemesis so I don't feel physically well enough to visit her anyway, which makes me feel guilty and takes away one avenue of support.
I tried suggesting to her before either seeing a GP or counselling and she is adamant neither could possibly help her and is very against the idea of either.
How do people cope with it? Just harden your heart and switch off?

Oh silver it's so so hard. As I said, my dad died 14 months ago so similar timescale.
I spent months constantly worrying about him and now I worry constantly about mum. I have the advantage that she lives very close to us, but even so Ive noticed that she's lost weight, looks tired and pale.
She has got a few friends but her and dad did everything together, it must be so hard for her.
I txt her daily and some days she is just so angry with the world.
I don't know what the answer is, Someone on here once said that we can't worry about our mums grief, we have to deal with our own grief for our dads, which is true.
I think mum and I hide grief from each other.
Could you phone your mum's GP? Could your mum stay with you for a few days?
I do think the run up to the anniversary was stressful and it was a relief to get it out of the way , so to speak.
I feel for you, it's so tough

Silversplodge I am really sorry about your dad and the terrible worry your mum is and send good wishes to you.

I lost my ma just 2 days ago so am not really thinking straight but are you able to contact her gp and or social services for advice/to seek some help at this stage withou her needing to know? Do you have anything like power of attorney set up ? Could you go stay (If you work do you get any kind of dependants leave?) so that you could assess situation take her out a little feed her well see local social services etc. I know that would be temporary (and exhausting for you) but might be helpful for her and would make you feel better in some respects.

Whatever happens there is some element of needing to accept you can’t be with an elderly parent 24:7, you can’t prevent every potential danger/risk, etc. Once you have done what you can/should ( and there will be good advice on here I am sure) then you have to accommodate the reality. Call it harden your heart or not.

I’ve been through the worrying weight loss thing with my late dad who lived on another continent. When I was with him I stocked up on high protein/calorie shakes, bars etc. Even though he ate them far less than I wished he would I felt I had done something. He was under care of doctor though who would weigh him every visit. He also knew the if he didn’t put weight on he would be in danger of increased care in the home due to frailty etc (and he hated any loss of independence so that was a good spur for him to eat sometimes).

hi, I just hopped on here after mostly posting on the Elderly Parent board.

my dad died nearly 4 weeks ago now. Mum is broken, I feel guilty that I can't (mentally) cope with being with her all the time, and I have no other people to look after so I feel as if I should...today when I got home I cried for my dad, for the things I thought about him sometimes even though he was a brilliant man.....for the relief that he isn't ill and suffering any more....for the fact I will never be able to do something to impress him....

and now this jumps out at me "Call it harden your heart or not" - I know I should accept I can't be there for mum 24/7 but when he was ill I thought I would move in with her and be okay.

sorry this isn't really about bereavement...but maybe it is because if I thought she'd recover, I could spend more time with her but it's just so hard.

I'm sorry for all your losses, everyone.

Coming up to six months since mum died. I'm mostly fine, life feels a bit empty and I have started to feel quite lonely recently, although that's maybe the time of year and me hibernating.

A friend lost her dad recently and she mentioned feeling overwhelmingly tired all the time, just exhausted, and just over this past week I've felt completely wiped out. Is this quite common? Work has been quite stressful recently and I'm finding everything a bit much. I'm also putting my house on the market in the next few weeks so have been doing lots of prep to try to get it ready. I've got time off at Christmas but I'll be going through mum's stuff so it won't exactly be relaxing.

I'd like to get off the treadmill for a bit.

@Kernowgal I'm definitely finding I'm really tired.

@silversplodge

I'm just catching up with all this thread - I feel for you. What you are having is exactly what I expect with my mum and I had originally been considering moving in with her (long story).

Mum died in January-we didnt always get on ( too alike I suspect) but we loved each other. I miss her every day but today Im really missing her, wish i didnt keep running the last few days of her life through my mind - she had a peaceful and dignified end but i still keep seeing her last few moments. Just having a bad day I guess. Love to all of you out there feeling the same.

did anyone experience a kind of "I don't know what my life is about" after losing a parent?

I've felt completely wiped out. Is this quite common? Yes it is completely normal I'm afraid.

did anyone experience a kind of "I don't know what my life is about" after losing a parent? Again yes. I do believe that they would want us to carry on and have as happy a life as possible. My Mum told me 'remember no one is alone'.

I've felt completely wiped out
Yep. I can relate to that. I feel like I'm wading through treacle most days. My sleep is so disjointed. I'm exhausted most of the time. I've had a terrible virus thing which I'm sure isn't shifting because I'm a wreck.

This is slightly light hearted but significant for me - lost my really beloved ma 5 days ago. Have decided I can face listening to the archers which she and I listened to for many decades and which we spoke about and which we listened to together when I was with her. Haven’t been able to face it but know she would want me to keep abreast of things. Here goes.
I too feel exhausted. There is just so much to do on top of grief and poor sleep. Feel as though I am floating in an alternative space. But coping.
Lots of good wishes to everyone - it is really tough. Really bloody tough.
My dad died last year and I try to remember that things become different with time not necessarily easier but different.

Heron, sorry for your loss

I know what you mean that she'd want you to keep listening to it!

this exhaustion - I was chatting to a friend who lost his dad recently. he has been really hard hit by it but he didn't get the exhaustion thing at all, asked me if I was eating enough!

grace212 it odd how things hit us all very differently. I have been forgetting to eat just don’t even think about eating. At end of day I think ‘good god I need a proper meal’. Have good friends looking out for me. Re archers just listened to the last episode shenwill have heard and it was a good one. Feel good I’ve heard it too now.

oh I sympathise with the extreme exhaustion and total lack of interest in eating. I am surviving on toast, red wine and fags - which obvs cant go on. I remember, when my dad died (22 years ago, 8 weeks before DD1 was born) feeling like I was a tethered hot air balloon and suddenly someone caught one of the ropes away. Now that DM is dead (Nov 1 and funeral tomorrow) I really cant feel anything at all about her. I mean, objectively, I know I will miss her, but her last 5 months were so terrible that I cannot be anything other than relieved. In DB and family's eyes this appears to make me a callous cow...

6 months tomorrow since my dad died. Seems crazy that a whole half a year has passed. Feels like it’s more recent than that abd I feel sadder now than I have for a while.

I’m tired of grief. I don’t want dad to be a memory, I want him to be a real live person telling bad dad jokes and singing oh so out of tune. The “story” of him getting ill and dying is the overarching sentiment of it all, and that feels unfair. There was more to him than dying, yet the trauma of it all is always bloody there, and kind of standing in between dad and us, in death just as it did in life. Feels too much that we have to cope with the heartbreak of his illness and what it did to him as well as actually losing him.

6 bloody months. I love you dad.

Bon app. I am so sorry I am thinking with time the ‘real dad memories’ will increase but I am really sorry illness seems to define memories now. I am extremely lucky (so was she) that my mum who died last week went suddenly elderly but at home and without illness. Even so I am struggling to connect with younger memories and so I was really affected to read yours which is the experience for so many.

Yolofish sending you thoughts for today’s funeral. Relief is a big part of what I am feeling. Had she been ill I know it would have been powerful. My Dsister and I have already had some slight clashes in how we are feeling - grieving differently at the moment. Were both trying to understand nd be gentle with each other but it is hard on top of everything else. We’ve both snapped and said a few things in anger. Were going to try our damndest to wait until we are less beaten down by shock and grief and exhaustion to take notice but it is very hard. I am really sorry you’re dealing with family grief dynamics too. Good luck today.

I haven't been on here for a while [waves at all the new posters]. I thought I was doing well. It's nearly 6 months since my mum died now, and I had a mini-breakdown, most of a week off work, got some counselling through work (6 sessions) and actually found it really helpful as it helped me reframe her suicide as being not all my fault... I was doing OK this week. But then I had Amazon Music on random shuffle and a song popped up (The Fray, "How To Save A Life") and before I knew it I was sobbing in the Co-op. Proper heartbroken sobbing. And I realised I'm not better, all the guilt and pain is still there just waiting to burst out from under whatever this new calm is/was. And it can get me any time.

I know it's early days. But it would be nice if I could even trust myself, that when I feel OK it's actually progress, not just another dip of the rollercoaster... How do you know when you really are getting better and not just kidding yourself?

Also really empathise with other posters on not quite believing it... I'll be turning over how mum died in my head and then actually go to ring her to talk to her about it. FFS. And am genuinely gutted when I 'remember' that of course I can't.

Names - I am so sorry that is hard for you.
I too keep thinking ‘I need to phone mum’ or ‘oh I’ll tell mum about this’ or ‘hmm not sure about that because I might be down at mums that night’ Etc etc. I’m trying to see this as a positive as she was important and loved but it’s hard to deal with multiple times a day.
Sending you good wishes and to everyone posting here. It’s been helpful and comforting to have this outlet.