Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Hi everyone to all the newcomers, sorry you have had to join us. I've not been on for a while, been really busy at work and helping mum sort out the house.
Those of you pondering Xmas I had my 1st Xmas without dad last year (he died last sept)
we decided to keep things as we had always done them. we got through the day but tbh it was very flat and we just went through the motions. It just seemed incomprehensible that my dad who loved Xmas so much wasn't there!
I'm not sure I'd do anything different tho, we just had to get through it, there were tears of course and I was glad when it was all over. As for this year, will just play it by ear, but I'm not really looking forward to it. Dad just loved Xmas so much, he would have started planning in Oct, this time of year hurts so much.

FlamingGoat
I'm sorry to hear you feel you are not getting any support from your partner. If he is anything like mine ,he is probably burying his head in the sand and hoping you will ' get over it soon' ! I am just coming up to 5 years without my mum and yes whilst the time has turned into years it doesn't mean we miss them any less. I also feel I am the only person who remembers her birthday ( I have grown up children) and the anniversary of her death goes unmentioned in the household as well.
It's still early days for your loss , if those around you seem uncaring, then please be kind to yourself. If there is a day when you need to self care and perhaps neglect your partners needs ,then do it. Take yourself off for a walk, or perhaps a long bath or an hour or two with a good book. It obviously will not take away your loss and hurt, but it may go some way to help you deal with the - ' How I'm coping with right now '

It's also quite sad at how lonely grief can feel. I've come to the realisation that no-one can help you through it,not even yourself. It's just something you do until it slowly becomes less painful.

flaminggoat
I'm glad you've complained, I hope you get the answers you want. I emailed the CEO of the hospital after dad died, not to really complain, just to say I was disappointed in some areas. E.g. when we knew dad wouldn't last the night they had no single room to put him in so we were in a bay of 4 with the curtains pulled round. Also the hostess was adamant she had to get dad breakfast, this was an hour before he died! and the noise and hussle and bussle of the morning ward, the other patients having obs done etc.
it just felt wrong that my dad, who hated hospitals had to finish his life in those circumstances. He wasn't aware of his surroundings luckily, but it still breaks my heart when I think of that night.
I try to focus on the fact that I was lucky to be with him at the end of his life, like he was there for me at the start of mine.

I also second what victoriabun says

Hope everyone is coping as best that they can.
Tonight I am feeling miserable because it's the anniversary of losing my mum tomorrow. And tonight is the last time I was with her. Little did we know what horror was around the corner in the next few hours. And then on Friday it's the anniversary versary of losing my sister who died at 26 yrs old.

Hugs for tomorrow Mummylin 

Strangely the anniversary of dad's death didn't really affect me but on the anniversary of his funeral I was a mess. Had a complete breakdown.

for you mummylin

@Mummylin
Thinking of you today

My dad died yesterday. He had progressive subranuclear palsy and had been sick for such a long time. He died at home with me and my mum and brother....I don’t know what to feel. I know he couldn’t carry on, but I disn’t Really believe he’d die.

@Flowerypig
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you much strength for the road ahead.

Wishing everyone strength in the run up to Christmas. Mum and I managed some Christmas shopping yesterday. I checked with her that she was happy to plan for Christmas as usual and she said she wanted to. Thank you Jools for telling us of your Christmas last year, it helps. I’m expecting it to be a difficult time. But I feel we have to keep cheerful and make as nice a day as possible for Mum. New year will be hard, I can’t imagine the usual first footing and clinking glasses and wishing a happy New Year. And the year will have turned and it will feel as though we are leaving Dad behind in 2018. All I can practically do though is look after my family and myself and try to be thankful for what we have. That Dad was able to go peacefully at home was a blessing, and I’m so sorry for anyone whose parent had to go while in hospital. I’m a nurse and however good we try to be, it’s not ideal. Regarding hospital poor practice and insensitivity, it’s good to hear on this thread that people are challenging it, it’s the only way to change it and future families will benefit.
Mummylin, so sorry you are going through a hard time with the anniversaries. 💐
Flowery pig, so sorry for your loss.💐 you won’t know what to feel yet. Try to look after yourself and your family and keep to a comfortable routine, regular cups of tea, I cooked my Mum and partner breakfast each morning and set the table for dinner each evening. Hot baths were my friend and a bolt hole too. It’s a rollercoaster. Be very kind to yourself.

Hi everyone. Just one more day to go and then I can breathe a sigh of relief for another year. I think this week of the year is the worst one for me.
Hope everyone is coping ok and learning to get by each day. 💐

Yesterday was shit. Coming down with a bug and all I could think was I want my Mum.
Also had a weird thing happen. I was sitting in a cafe talking about the fact I've lost my home and probably won't see my hometown again when a tray containing a heavy china teapot and cups literally got thrown off the side across from me (Witnessed by three people!)

Hello. My DM died yesterday morning. She was in hospital with broken bones and dementia, but not 'ill'. So she went in her sleep, peacefully, and it is really a blessing as she would have hated what she had become, but it was still an awful shock.

I just feel numb, am doing lots of practical stuff, but is it wrong to feel relieved? My Dad died 22 years ago, again very suddenly, and that was terrible and I cried for ages. Cant seem to do that for Mum, but I suppose it is early days.

I've found this thread very comforting yolo.

Just look after yourself and go with whichever emotion you are feeling. It isn't wrong to feel relieved at all. In fact it is very natural.

I was also relieved that my Mum stopped suffering although in her case it was all very quick.

Sorry about your Mum, yolo. As above, go with what you feel. Do pace yourself with the practical things. Take a little time for yourself, even if just a soak in the bath.💐

Joining please. I'm so sorry and it's so shit to see so many people on here. I'm 24 and my Dad died in May at 55 after a 6month battle with prostate cancer. Really has ripped our world apart he was my best friend and idol we really did do everything together. Still haven't grieved properly but haven't felt ready. Also had 2 miscarriages this year which has added to the shit. Currently over 12 weeks pregnant and praying for a happy healthy baby. X

Hello june sorry to see you have had to go through so much in the past few months. Just one of those events would floor most people. I really do personally think that all men should be tested for prostate cancer. My dh has had a couple of ops this past few months owing to prostate probs and during investigations they found one of his kidneys wasn't working so he is having that removed in Dec , the week before Christmas. ! But he is lucky in that there is nothing cancerous.
It is such a great loss when we lose someone that we care about and I think for months it dosent seem real at all, more like a terrible nightmare at times.
But it's lovely news to see that you are now expecting a new little life. This will help you I'm sure. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy and will look forward to seeing your birth announcement ! 💐

Yolo I am also so sorry that you have lost your mum. Mums are so precious aren't they. I can well believe you are in shock at the moment, that is bad enough on its own without the grief. You must cling on to the fact that there will be no more suffering for her, although it's difficult to think that when you are so unhappy.
Don't look too far ahead, just get by each day as best you can.
Hopefully you will have good rl support from other family members and friends. This can be invaluable in helping you cope in these first initial weeks. 💐

I just lost a long thread I typed!
just to say, newbies, sorry you have had to join us. Stay on this thread for lots of support. it's certainly helped me.

This is the 2nd Xmas without my beloved dad and he loved Xmas and all the run up to Xmas so much, it's tough now.
mummylin I hope the last few days wernt too difficult, thanks for your continued support

Thank you mummy for the welcome.

june you are so young to have had so much, I do hope all goes well with this baby. Having a baby after you've lost someone brings up a whole heap of new emotions (dad died 8 weeks before my oldest was born), but the new life - and being able to see that person in the new baby - is a wonderful thing.

I cannot feel anything but relief that mum has gone; the practical stuff is sort of/mostly under control - except that because her death was sudden and unexpected it has to go to the coroner, and they are saying most likely a pm and inquest. I find this quite hard to understand for such an old, broken lady, but there we are.

Thankyou @mummylin and @goldfish I just feel grateful for the relationship and 23 years we shared and I know he's with me all the time, without a doubt. I lost 2nd baby whilst planning his funeral which was heart breaking (didn't find out until 5 weeks later it had died inside me) but now I look back I see my Dad wanted to take him/her with him. Hugs and love to all xxx

@yolofish silly auto correct haha x

It's hard @xJune88 , I am 23 and lost my mum in March of this year after under 2 years from diagnosis to death from a brain tumour. Has left me broken if I'm honest , I have 2 small children almost 3 and 1 too.

so sad that a lot of you are losing your parents at such a young age.
It makes me realise that I should be grateful for having my dad for 50 years.
Honestly tho, I guess it doesn't matter what age we lose them, they are deeply missed still.
Mum had a 'moment' yesterday. She was counting how many places to set at the table as I was doing a birthday dinner and she counted dad. I could see her face fall as she realised what she had done. Little things like that cut me like a knife.

Oh your poor mum jools how upsetting it must of been for her. Moments like that tug at the heartstrings don't they.
I lost an uncle last year in the week before Christmas and on Boxing Day it would of been their 62nd anniversary. So sad for them. But happy to report my aunt is doing remarkably well ( my mums sister ).
Lesen how sad for you to lose your mum at such a young age. I too was very lucky to have my mum so much longer than that, but as Jools said. However long we have them, it still breaks our hearts.
But I am firmly of the belief that whilst we have children, we still have parts of mum / dad as their genes carry on.
Remember " the price of love is grief " very sad but true. 💐