Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

@lesenfantsbouef so much love, it makes it all that bit harder when your young and so are they! Not looking forward to Christmas at all xx

I've spent the last few days sorting newspaper notices (my mum would have been furious if I hadnt) and speaking to various octogenarians with differing degrees of capacity, plus my mum's neighbours etc. What is hard is when they say "oh yes, the last few times we spoke/met we knew she was suffering so much" - well yes, we knew that too, with her pain, delirium and fear - but they still say how sorry they are. I am not sorry she's gone, it was the only option for her, and really I wish she'd gone back in early June rather than 5 months of everything getting worse and worse. Sorry, small rant there.

yolo it's ok to rant, other people don't realise how incredibly hard it is watching a loved one suffer.
My dad suffered, he put on a very brave front but he was suffering, he couldn't walk 5 steps without stopping for breath, could do nothing for himself. He Constanly worried incase his oxygen cylinder ran out, a man who was the life and soul of our family, who organised activities for the grandchildren and took them on holiday and loved to help others, this was a step too far for him. It broke him to lose all his independence. He wasn't an old man, he used to say, I don't need a walking aid, they're for old men.To me, although he was 73 he wasn't old. But I would have hated to see him suffer another day.
sorry, I'm rambling now!
take care of yourself.

Hi everyone...This year has been a bit Shit really...First my mum in law passed away in spring who was like a second mum for over 25 years. Then my own mum died a month ago today, it was very sudden...one day we were celebrating her 70th and she was dancing and happy, 2 days later she suffered a massive heart attack and passed away after 4 days on life support. The week after that my father in law died...So I'm sat here after 1am with work in the morning unable to sleep and dunno what to do with myself....So whenever i'm at a loss I like to write, so figured I would post on here...The day after my mum died I wrote a poem, a few days after that I wrote her eulogy. My father in laws funeral is next week... after that it's Christmas...Christmas which has always incorporated all our families but now they are all gone, kids keep asking what we will do this year, and I have no idea...So I have good days and bad days...today is a bad day...just needed to share, Thankyou x

Hello Pheny. What a terrible few months you have gone through, so much sadness in such a little time.
It must of all been very difficult for you, to have to cope with so much unhappiness.
As you say Christmas will soon be here and you will feel your losses greatly. The only thing I can think of is that you can buy beautiful glass baubles to decorate the tree , I know you can buy them with names on. Maybe that would help your children.
It will be a exceptionally sad time for you as it will be the "first " Christmas without some of your family, which will be extremely poignant, But somehow we manage to get through it all.
Raise a glass to your family and get through the day as best you can.
I am very sorry for your losses. 💐

Struggling today. I have come down with a coldy fluey virus and just want my mum. It's so hard to not be able to call her.

I love the baubles idea; clearing out my mum's house I found little pottery decorations my children had made - they have come home to us for our tree. ('children' = grown ups at uni!)

Today has been hard. Went to see the funeral director, all fine and as easy as it could possibly have seen.

However, the coroner's office, on receipt of information from me, have decided they want DM to have a pm at a completely different hospital. I feel bad that poor old mum is being schlepped around the county like this and I wish she could just be left alone now. On the other hand, there were glaring failures of care which could have contributed to her death, and as she is dead now she wont know and it could be important for the futue care of others?

Glad you found some tree decs Yolo.
While I think about it ( the baubles reminded me ) I would just like to say that if anyone was inclined to, that you can have ashes made into beautiful jewellery. Lots of companies on the net do it, but the undertaker we had actually provided the service too. I wish I had done it now. Think you can have rings, bracelets, necklets all sorts. Hope no-one minds me mentioning this, but I know several previous posters have had something made.

I had a ring made and mum had a paperweight. They really are beautiful and it makes me feel close to dad.
The company we used is 'ashes into glass' I thoroughly recommend them.

I really wish I had done something like that jools I do have her hair in a necklace , but I can never wear it in case I lose it, I would be devastated. I'm glad to see how happy you are with your ring.

My sister in law had a pendant made with some of both her parents ashes in it when my father in law died. I know it’s been a comfort to her.

FlamingGoat , sorry you’re having such a rough time. First teapot missiles and now cold. Wrap yourself up and drink some hot grog. Be kind to yourself. X

Sorry for your losses Pheny. It must be very hard. I am going to plan Christmas as usual and see what happens. I think the day will be a hard one but I think it would be harder if we treated it as an ordinary day. We may not do/serve everything we plan but I do want to have things to hand, presents, Christmas dinner etc.

Yolo and anyone planning a funeral, I don’t know if this would be helpful but I found Emma Freud’s article in the Guardian, I think it was, on planning a funeral both comforting and funny and having quite a bit of practical advice.

Hoping i can join this thread? My dad passed away two weeks, he was 62 and got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer only a week before he passed. I cant stop thinking about that last week of his life, he was so scared and upset, i wish he was never told. I cant stop worrying about my mum, they have been together since they were teens and celebrated there 42nd wedding anniversary just two days before he passed away. Shes a strong woman but i worry about her being alone so much, i cant stop thinking about it. Im 27 and currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I live about an hours drive away from my mum, i spend as much time with her as i can just now but i go back to work next week and then once the baby is here i know ill have to be in my house at night for putting the baby to bed and getting her in a routine etc. Breaks my heart my dad will never meet my baby!! I have a sister, she lives five minutes away from my mum but she has an 11 month old daughter so the same applies in the evening. How did everyone cope with the sadness they felt for thier parent that was left alone? My heart breaks for my dad and my mum so much x

This thread welcomes everyone who needs support. You are more than welcome
I am so sorry to see your sad news mother What an awful shock that things happened so very quickly. I would imagine you don't know if your coming or going at the moment. And being as you are pregnant what a stressful time for you.
It is difficult to know what to suggest about your poor mum, she too must be devastated. Maybe if it were possible she could stay with you now and again so she had a bit of company, if you have the room.
It must be awful for her after being married for so long, but maybe the thought of her new grandchild will help her.
I'm sure that along with your sister things will work out ok, you can't put everything right and can only do your best, you have to think of your own health at the moment.
If you think your mum isn't coping too well, maybe you can direct her to a bereavement specialist. But I think you have to wait a little while before you can see anyone.
Hopefully there are also other family members, or your mum has good friends who will be there to give your mum their support too. Do look after yourself and once again I'm really sorry you have cause to join us here 💐

oh mothertobe I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. I lost my dad last year, we found out he had cancer in July and he died in September.
I worried about my mum so much, they were together 50+ years and dad did everything for her, Mum is very brave and a year down the line I'm proud of her, she is slowly starting to laugh and meet friends.
It's horrible to think of her alone but you will be surprised how they cope.
I'm sure having another grandchild will help her a lot, can you get her involved with getting things ready for the baby?
It's obviously very early days for you and there will be a lot more tears. Stay on this thread, there's lots of support on here

Thank you to you both for replying. Yeah im trying to get her involved in lots of things for the baby etc but its still really early days and to be honest the last thing i want to do right now is get excited about the baby coming, i feel so guilty about that as i know i should feel happy about being pregnant but im just overwhelmed with sadness and wsnt to put my pregnancy on hold to allow me to deal with this.
To make matters even worse my mums dog is having to get put to sleep. Why now!? Having the dog was her distraction, getting out for walks etc and she would go walks with a neighbour who also has a dog.
Why is everything happening at the same time? Its all too much to deal with.

mothertobe

I absorbed my Dad into my own life when Mum died. He comes to stay one night a week and go to his house one day a week. I do encourage him to meet up with friends and maintain a social life as well.

He is included in all of our family events and all the grandchildren ring or skype him too.

same here little space I'm lucky that mum lives just around the corner so she spends some of Saturday and Sunday with us. The grandchildren pop in when they can.
It's just a case of getting use to a new way of life

It was dads funeral today.
I managed ok. I nodded and chatted and handed round cake and admired flowers and so on.
I’m now back home and can’t move. I want my daddy back so much. I feel so guilty. I wanted him to die as his suffering was so great and I resented what the burden of his care needs was doing to mum. And then he did die and now I feel so thoroughly ashamed of my self. I feel so wretched and awful. I miss who he was before he got sick so much I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m just an awful person that wished him dead and now i’m Scared he knows what I thought.

I loved him so much, I swear I did - I want him back

Hello flowery glad to see that you managed the day quite well.
You weren't wishing your dad dead out of anything malicious, you just wanted his illness and pain to stop ! One half of you wants to stop him hurting, but the other half wants him to stay.
I am quite sure that your dad would never of thought that you just wanted him gone.
At the same time as worrying about your dad you also had the added worry about your mum and the strain it all was on her.
This is all completely understandable and you are a loving dd who wanted the best for both parents at a very difficult time.
I hope That you will change your views on yourself and not see yourself as someone bad. Your not 💐

honestly flowery you are not a bad person at all, and I am sure your dad knew exactly how much you loved him. It's a very strange time in all our lives, and in some ways I am finding it much easier having lost my second parent because you dont have to worry about the one that's still here if that makes sense?

Meanwhile, we still do not have mum's death cert. Post mortem has been completed but the coroner is still concerned about some of the care she received. She's now back at the local hospital, but I wish she could be allowed to go and rest at the funeral home. She bloody hated that hospital. Also cannot go and see solicitor until we have death cert, that was meant to be Tues, so is cutting things a bit fine. All added unnecessary stress.

Weekends suck. I almost bought Mum a Christmas present yesterday. I'm dreading the holidays.

My beloved mum died last Sunday. She lived with me and my husband and kids for the last 5 years and we just don't know what to do. We are in Ireland so funeral is over and everyone has started to get back to their lives and we are just in shock. She had been sick but we didn't expect her to go so quickly. I can't even cry im so numb I just keep thinking she is still in hospital. Our last conversation was me giving out to her because she kept pulling off her oxygen mask in the hospital. 10 minutes later she was dead. 😭

flaming and mia I am so sorry for your loss. and I know that in Ireland funeral etc happens very quickly, which is good in some ways but not in others... Meanwhile my DM died on Nov 1st and we still dont know (due to no death cert yet) if we can go ahead with funeral planned for 27th. Death doesnt make anything easier, that's for sure.