Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Sorry, just mostly a rant. Wrote previously about losing my dad to suicide. We are several weeks in and my mum has broken..not sleeping, eating, or even virtually talking. My sisters and I are with her, supporting her, loving her, taking care of things but just feel lost in terms of the lack of professional or other support available. All the suicide support groups are volunteer run, not recommended until a few months down the line, helplines are just there to listen, Cruse initially never got back to us, had to chase and it was still another two weeks to actually get a call back. Have been so disappointed by the quality of advice and support for families affected by this. However much help we get from family and friends it just feels like we need some extra kind of support from someone who knows what they're talking about to help us all navigate this. I know there aren't resources, the NHS is struggling and doing the very best it can but it feels woefully inadequate. All this stuff about suicide prevention but what about when it happens? How can we all support each other when we are all completely reeling in different ways? We are all having therapy through work or privately, have medication as necessary, all the financial stuff is being sorted. It just feels like we are on the edge of our remaining family being completely broken apart and the amount of work we are having to do on our own to hold it together is crazy. Sorry, just a rant but feel at a loss as to how we get through these initial weeks without more damage to our own mental health and family relationships and feeling like we may be losing our mum too.

@allusedup I can't offer you any practical advice but I am truly sorry for the shit time you are having right now. I hope as time passes you will individually and collectively be able to access the right support to enable you to be able to process what has happened to your family and find a new way forward. Much love x

@BlueGlasses thank you, can't say how much i just needed to hear that, it does help.Xx

@VictoriaBun thank-you for sharing your experience. It helps.

@allusedup So sorry to hear how difficult things are for you and for your loss. I've been emailing the Samaritans and that's helped me have another outlet. We also found Winstons Wishes website helpful

@Youvegotafriendinme just wanted to say congratulations on your news. It's so very hard for you but I hope you are able to enjoy.

Hi can I join? I lost my mum on the 26:8/18
I was on the terminal illness board where everyone was lovely.
My mum had leukaemia was only diagnosed 6 weeks before she does routine blood test picked it up so we were all shocked. Then she got sepsis that's what killed her.
I've kept it together for everyone and been strong for my dad and have my 2 wee boys to take care off.
I'm finally losing it as I never properly grieved I miss my mum so so much simple things like going to the Sainsburys toy sale had me in tears today ,it was something my mum and I loved doing getting things for the boys Christmas as she doted on them. I was a blubbering mess in the car park.
If feel I don't get the time to Grieve properly I'm either working , running about after my boys or going to see my dad I just don't know what to do? Maybe this is normal is just don't know?

@jobbymcginty Sending a virtual hug. It's so hard isn't. I've been really worried about the fact that I've shown my emotions in front of the children but they have been good about it. It's the odd things isn't that catch you unawares - I broke down when I saw a Christmas wreath she would have loved.

Do be gentle with yourself too. I can only hope that everyone is right about making the time to grieve. My head says it's logical but I know it's hard to do.

So sorry to hear about your loss

@Jobby I'm not sure how old your boys are but I think it's good to let them see you cry. It'll teach them compassion. I stayed strong in front of my mom but have cried in front of everyone else. My son is 12 so he can understand. The tears won't go away that's just an expression of your love for her. What will happen is being able to think of her and smile. Please take time to cry wherever you can find it. The shower could work. I cried in my dreams last night so who knows?

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. But as hard as it is to believe it gets a tiny bit easier with time. Sending love and hugs

Hi my sons are just turned 12 and 20 months my eldest is very kind and saw me blubbering away in the car he gave me a tissue my other son is so young I think he's forgotten my mum already which is understandable. My eldest was so close to his grandma he's a very deep boy so it's hard to know what he's feeling

So sorry to see all the newcomers on here. But lovely to see everyone supporting each other in their time of such unhappiness.
It is impossible to imagine in the beginning that you wont feel the same forever, and these feelings will be up and down in the coming months.
We have all experienced it and know how a simple little thing can make us upset. Just hearing a certain bit of music or seeing something that mum / dad would of loved in the shops.
I hope you can all find some comfort on this thread and that we can be of some help to you all.💐

@Jobby my 12 yo is also more of the sensitive type. He seems ok but it comes in waves. We've just been very gentle and understanding especially when his behavior has changed. Just hug him and squeeze him and tell him you love him. It's scary when mum is sad. But it's also important to know it's ok to show emotion.

Thank you all for the kind replies and sorry that everyone is also going through this 

I've just made a decision to put in a complaint to the hospital that my mum died in.

A family friend was with her when she died. He rang me (after he had spoken to a family member thousands of miles away who then told me by WhatsApp that she had passed) to tell me that somebody would be ringing me from the hospital to talk to me and give me further information. At the time I was in the middle of a 600 mile drive to the hospital.

Nobody from the Hospital rang me.

I had also been told by our friend that my Mother would be in the Chapel of Rest so that I could visit her when I arrived at the hospital . Then my friend rang back to say that I had to ring another number at 10am to arrange to see her. When I rang to try and arrange to see her I was told the Coroner would be dealing with her.

Before her death a lovely Doctor from A+E had rung me when she was admitted and had gone through the treatment plan and updated me.

The only communication I had after her death was with the Coroner.

I should have been informed by the Hospital of her death as obviously I would have had questions that our family friend couldn't answer.

I am so angry by it all.

@FlamingGoat that sounds dreadful. Thank-you for finding the strength to complain as hopefully it might make the staff reflect and stop anyone else having that experience. I found that lots of people were good but some clearly very used to the process and so they forget that you are a) in shock anyway and b) even if keeping it together may not know what to do. It's bad enough from friends etc but from people who are paid to handle such matters it's really very poor.

I've done it. Someone has booked out a call to me next Wednesday when I'm off.
I've started a thread in legal asking for advice. Hopefully someone can help.

Wednesday will be hard. It's my parents 48th anniversary. Mum and my older brother will be here visiting. I'm not sure what we'll do. Whatever she wants is fine. I've already been tearful for days. I haven't cried hard in days and I really need to. I've started to drift back into denial and disbelief. Can he really be gone??? It's been 3 months and suddenly I'm questioning again if this is all some sort of dream. Either way, I'm ready to wake up.

Hello everybody. We lost my very elderly father in July. He died peacefully at home. I have a theory that once we get past all the ‘firsts’ eg first birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc, we will have turned a corner.
What I was wondering was, how have people found the first Christmas? Did anything help, is there anything i should look out for? We are planning business as usual, dinner and presents at my sister’s on Christmas Day, and letting the New Year in at our house. My sister, Mum, my fiancé and I will be there. There may be a cousin visiting too, and some dear friends of my sister’s who have a very nice nearly nine year old.
I don’t feel as though we want to break the mould of Christmasses past, go out for dinner to an hotel, for example. Not this year anyway.
We will get out as much as possible, local National Trust, walks, cinema etc. My sister may also be dog sitting a lovely lab for part of the time.
I fully expect to have a cry on Christmas Day at some stage. I’m a nurse so will be working part of the time.
If anyone has any experiences they don’t mind sharing, I would appreciate it very much.

Beautifully I think you're handling it just right,go with how she wants to spend it. 3 months is still so very soon although it seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I'm dreading the start of Nov and a new month as the world turning without him is really painful.I have the same questions re Christmas.

The funeral went well,it was really beautiful but painful as he'd have loved it.Feeling like shit now,we all are. He is buried in a beautiful place at the bottom of my road,it should be comforting but it isn't. He is really gone and we just want him back. Nightmares are back and I keep getting anxious about anything else happening to my loved ones. I know the rest of the world will expect us just to get on with it now and that is scary.

I've no idea how to get through Christmas. My birthday is a week before and it's long been a tradition that my Mum and Me put the tree up that day.
My mum always, without fail, would send me an advent calendar at the end of November. It's actually making me upset that I won't get one again. I did ask my DP if he'd get me one but he said No. He's the Christmas grinch tbh.

Another one here who has no idea how they’ll get through Christmas this year. It’s been 9 months since I lost my mum. Her birthday is Christmas Day and there’s never been one where I haven’t seen her. In fact, apart from last year when she was unable to go out & we decamped to hers, she has always spent the day with us. My lovely DH has already said that this year we will be at home, just us & DS, & will visit mum in the churchyard on Christmas morning. I’m half expecting my SIL to say that we can spend Christmas Day with them as we don’t have mum to worry about. I’m on edge about the whole thing

FlamingGoat, I don’t want to suggest anything inappropriate but my Mum and I would love to send you an advent calender if you would like one. Pm me if so, it would cheer us up.x

Welcome to the thread to the latest posters. I am sorry you all have to be here.
Duchess my mum died 7 weeks before Christmas. I too dreaded it, but surprisingly I was ok. But this is because I was surrounded with my family. On my Own I don't know how I would of got through it.
I did put up an old card I had recieved previously which said happy Christmas to my daughter and son in law which actually made me feel a little better too, and I have done that every year since.
The worst time for me was New Year's Eve. Nothing at all could console me. My adult son was having a party but I just could not go, even though dh did. I wanted to be alone. I just sobbed and sobbed. Not only because my mum wasn't here, but we were going into a new year without her, so you then have to say to people " I lost my mum last year". It was a very distressing time for me.
Next week will be her anniversary and three days later the anniversary of my sister, so I am now beginning to get a bit edgy.
I think it is true that all the firsts are horrible, but it does start to get better gradually after that, and you begin to cope and accept that life has now changed. It all takes time, but eventually you will be happy again, although still missing your parent you have lost.
For everyone 💐💐

@TheDuchessofDukeStreet
You have just made me cry at the kindness of people here on this thread.

Thank you for the welcome, Mummylin. I think I understand what you mean about New Year and the last year thing.
Re Christmas, I think we are fortunate in that we have always celebrated quietly anyway, so it’s never been more than a nice roast dinner, a stocking each and a few presents around the tree. The Amazon fairy and the gift card fairy are always helpful too. So I will aim for a quiet ‘ business as usual’ Christmas and see how it goes. We will probably all be sneaking off for a quick cry but that’s ok. I found out yesterday that I will be off Christmas Day and Boxing Day so that’s a comfort.
FlamingGoat, no need to cry😿. We’d absolutely love to if you’d like it, do pm me if you would.x
💐 to everybody.

@Mummylin I hadn't even considered the feeling of saying my dad died last year. It almost feels like I'm diminishing my loss because it wasn't days or a couple weeks ago. Does anyone else feel that way? I think my concern is that people who haven't experienced losing a parent don't understand that it's a lifelong change and expect me to just be back to myself in months. I'm not sure I'll ever be back to who I was. I'm happy that my mom being a widow will still be remembered by most, but I think as an adult child it's sometimes underestimated how impacted by the loss we are. I know it shouldn't matter but it does affect how my friends and family are. I feel a little forgotten.

Beauteafully
I'm still marking my mum in weeks. 12 weeks. 3 months seems longer somehow. I too am dreading January when it becomes last year.

As for friends, I seem to have lost pretty much most of them. Two really good friends have all but ignored me after I told them I was still struggling massively with it all and just needed support.

Even my partner has pretty much decided I should be over it by now, life moves on so should I etc. I told him that I was putting in a complaint to the hospital and he didn't even bother to listen as he had his head stuck in his mobile on his bloody YouTube videos. He has no idea what is going on in my life and frankly dosent seem to care.

I just want to move back to my hometown where I have a wonderful support network of my adopted family ( mums friends from school ) and friends who have known me since infants. I'm beginning to hate living here. I'm so unhappy.

Sorry. That turned into a rant!