Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I'm sorry you anyone who needs to be here and the loss of your loved ones.

Flaming our experience about clearing our dad's house was similar. We had an unsympathetic landlord and had to clear it quickly after the funeral. A lot things went to my brother's house and he is struggling with it being there, he doesn't want to go through it but doesn't want to leave it either. He lives alone and I worry about him all the time. We are all struggling with how quick things happen and that it feels like once they are gone, they don't matter and didn't exist. My dad and stepmum (who died last year) had moved 3 years ago to a smaller house, so at least it was slightly easier for me - if they had still been in my childhood home I don't think I would have been able to cope with clearing it as I have.

allused I am so sorry about your dad. Sudden death is difficult to accept and understand and suicide is even harder. Our closest friend took his own life in April last year, he was only 46 and had an 18 year old daughter and while we knew he had been depressed, we never expected him to do what he did. It's good that you have support available to you and all I can say is keep talking with that support so thay they are aware if your own thoughts become more of a danger to you.

Friday was not a good day for me, I was alone in the house and my brother had sent an e-mail about the inscription for the headstone. He wanta to include a line from the poem I wrote for Dad's service which is lovely but breaking my heart. I couldn't read it myself but am glad I wrote it. I felt really bad that couldn't read it because the 18 year old I mentioned above, stood in front of a chapel full of over 100 people and read a beautiful eulogy she had written about our friend, she was so brave and I couldn't be that brave for my dad at the age of 44.

I think the shock might be wearing off as I am having more episodes of feeling weepy and heavy hearted, the reality is setting in. My sister is having flashbacks to the morning when Dad was taken to hospital and he was struggling before they sedated him. My brother was there too and I know he struggles with this, at least I didn't see that bit as he was already asleep when I arrived.

I had a lovely day out with my two youngest children on Saturday and I think it helped give me something nice to think about.

Chablis I'm sorry I missed your posts. I am self employed so have been lucky in not having to deal with an employer but my brother has. You don't sound ready to return to work and if you can get a longer sicknote from the GP then take it, grief affects us all differently and at different times and we can only deal with it the best we can.

Sending love to everyone

Thank you @mummylin and @augustrose. Every day feels like an eternity and minute by minute is all we can do. At the same time it's hard to know what we are getting through each day for - more pain and sadness in different forms it feels like. I also feel I'm letting down my family in not being stronger for them.

@Augustrose I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try not to feel badly about not being able to read the poem at your dad's service. I don't think it's a matter of bravery, just different reactions to grief, and bereavement and what we are each capable of at different times. Also how lovely that you were able to write a poem. That seems incredibly brave to me. And so lovely that your brother wants to include it on the headstone. Glad you had a nice day with your children.

Love and to all.

Thank you everyone - I'm
Sorry for all
Your losses

My husband thinks I should back to work ASAP and I've taken too long already
I have a sick line to tomorrow and they will
Extend it for me - I want to take it but apparently I need to go back to work.
I can't even concentrate going for the groceries - how the hell am I to do my job which is so technical and if I mess it up then I'll feel worse

@ChablisLover I'm so sorry, it feels so horrible to have to think about work at a time like this and as others said it doesn't sound like you are ready. I know it's hard not to think about what others think is best but if you can get an extension on the sick note and you want to take it as you have said then that is all that matters - not what work or your husband think. Now more than ever you need to take care of yourself and like you say going back now might not be productive for anyone.

chablis when you feel ready to go to work then do so. Other people cannot decide when or if you are ready. Only you know how you feel. Don't be bullied to do anything which you think is too much for you at the moment

ChablisLover I went back after three weeks. In hindsight I shouldn't of. I'm really struggling. I can't concentrate at all and have made a few (luckily minor) fuckups. Its talking to people I can't do aswell . I lose concentration halfway through a conversation and forget what I'm saying. And my patience is non existent with people right now.

I have just found this quote. This is how I see this thread and everyone on it. A piece of hope to get through the day. A place I can vent and be with others that understand.

“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope”

@allusedup I'm in the same boat as you - lost my mother to suicide in June and the pain and guilt are overwhelming. I finally gave in and got myself signed off sick today because after two months at work keeping really busy, the last fortnight has been really quiet and I've just gone to pieces, can't think straight or about anything but her death, visualisations etc - it's grim and I'm just not working properly so there's no point putting myself through coming in. I just found out yesterday the inquest has been delayed again, this time pending an investigation by the mental health trust my mum was under. I think that's what's finally done for me - the length of the process and the fact I have no control over it or role to play makes me feel so helpless, like I will be trapped in this grief forever and there's nothing I can do to move forward and move on.

I feel for you so much, especially with your preexisting mental health problems it must be just shattering. But you're not alone, and you are DEFINITELY not to blame. Don't ever think that xx

allused and enni I really feel for you both so much at having to wait for the inquest. Until then you have it hanging around you all the time. I can't imagine the absolute heartbreak that you must both be going through.
We have just had a family death, though nothing like you both are going through, but an inquest has to be held for that. The date is May 2019 !!!
I hope that neither of you has too long to wait as it would be intolerable for you both to have to wait too long. I am sure you both need some kind of answers.
Do reach out to others if you can't cope and hopefully they will help you, as indeed we will if it's possible 💐

Hope this is the right place to share. I want to get the words out without saying the IRL.

Two years ago I was at my DMs beside. DB and DF were there, and at least one of us had been there in the care place for a full six weeks. I couldn't believe death was so slow and cruel. We watched her fading, sometimes in quick burst and sometimes in tiny increments. The end took so long to come but was still fast and violent at the very end. It was the most horrible, shocking, cruel and unfair thing. Everything about it hurts. It's amazing how much pain and sickness one body can endure and how much those caring for her can go through with them. Most of the time I talk in euphemisms and platitudes but at this raw time of year the truth is that it was the worst thing. And my heart is broken.

@Ennirem thank you. I'm so very sorry this happened to you too, sending all my sympathies to you. It's just the worst. Well done for working and keeping busy until now but also well done for taking some time out. Do you have people around you to support and talk to? Have you had any counselling at all? I'm so sorry that the inquest has been delayed, that sounds very tough, I guess it is something to structure things around and the next thing to get through and a delay makes that harder again. I'm so very sorry.

I totally understand the trapped in grief feeling you described. I'm scared of that, it just feels that this is something that will never feel any better or be resolved however much time passes. There are so many unanswered questions and spaces to fill with guilt and difficult thoughts. It feels in our case that an inquest won't help with that as this was very sudden, seemingly unplanned and utterly unexpected. To know he felt that bad and alone however momentarily is devastatingly heart breaking and the idea of living with that knowledge and that he felt he couldn't reach out to us is so very hard.

Thank you @mummylin for all your kindness here.

to those waiting for an inquest. Its tough. My dad's inquest was 9 weeks after his death (industrial asbestos related cancer) which seemed long enough to wait.
I was dreading going but mum was too upset to go so me and DH went. I'm glad I went, it felt good that I was there 'supporting' dad, and the officials were very kind. I have a CD copy of the inquest aswell as PM report (I've not looked at either yet)

Sorry I can't answer individually, I'm on a night shift tonight😒, just having a cuppa.

My dad died yesterday,in total shock. Worried about my mum and kids. This is so painful. When does it get better?

Bi11yButton I'm so sorry, what a shock for you. You will be in a blur of shock at the moment, it's extremely early days.
The funeral directors will be a good help at the moment, steering you to what needs doing. This will be a busy time of sorting practicalities. It's so tough to deal with when you're so heartbroken.
Please ask on here if you're stuck with anything, tell us about your dad if it helps.
I'm afraid you may feel like this for a while yet. It will get better but not yet
Look after yourself, that's important, and take things a day at a time.
I'm a year down the line after losing my dad. I still miss him like hell but the intense grief has passed.

Hello Bi11y very sorry that you have cause to join us. What a terrible shock for you and your family. I have to agree with jools it will be quite a while until things start to settle down. Sadly grief takes its own time. For now, just cope with each day as it comes along. You and your mum can support each other. In time things will improve but I'm afraid you have to get through this first awful few weeks / months or whatever it takes.
You probably think it will never get better, but eventually things do improve.
Lots of lovely people on this thread and we all understand only to well how sad it is when we lose someone. 💐

Hey I was just wondering how people cope loosing a parent? My Dad lived with me my husband and 3 children. He went out on he’s motorbike 5 weeks ago and never came back. He crashed into a truck and died suddenly. I’m struggling. I was so close to my dad.

Kpritchard1 I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died 8 weeks ago today and each day is a struggle for me.

I’m sorry for your loss too. It’s horrible isn’t it 😢 I’m starting counselling tmrw, I’m hoping that will help (although I can’t see how) but it’s worth a try x

Kpritchard so sorry for your terrible loss. What a terrible shock for you and all your family. I hope you will be able to find some comfort when you see the counsellor.
It will seem to you at the moment, that your sadness will never go and you will always feel as you do now.
It is very early days for you at the moment, and you are hurting and also I would imagine suffering with shock.
For now just to get through each day will be something.
Good luck tomorrow, will be interesting to see how you get on. 💐

My dad fell down the stairs.My partner woke me in the middle of the night to take me to hospital. They live very close. The moment he woke me up seems like the end of my old life. Kicking myself for not appreciating how carefree it was in comparison. I still can't believe it,he picked me up from work the same day as I had car issues. He just missed his footing in the dark. The consultant said the minute it happened he wasn't going to recover. It just seems so ridiculous and unfair.

Kpritchard1 Good luck with starting the counselling today. Id be interested to see if it brings any peace. My relationship with my mum was complex and it was something I was toying with before she died.
It's so tough. I was folding towels yesterday and thought oh I'd best buy mum some new ones for Christmas. I've started emailing her again to tell her my news. Stupid I know.
Bi11yButton

Bi11yButton that's so sad, I can see why you are in complete shock
How old was your dad?
I hope you are getting some support with the practical things.

Kpritchard That's so incredibly tough. Sending you . And to you too Bi11yButton.

I've come on for a bit of a rant. I went back to work on Monday. Don't know if I was 'ready' or not but felt like I should get on with it. Think I coped pretty well - was reasonably able to concentrate, get stuff done etc. I'm off today but found out that one of my direct reports has sent a shirty email to me in response to something I asked her to do, saying she's overworked etc. And I feel like saying 'fuck you and have some fucking sensitivity. I was putting MY DAD IN THE GROUND TEN DAYS AGO. Just take the feedback and get on with your fucking work'.

But I obviously won't say that so I've just said it here instead.

Rainatnight
I hear you on the rant. My patience is non existent with people right now and I'm bloody furious all the time. I've had THREE friends pretty much ignore me and then over the last two days sent me texts where they have absolutely no idea what is going in my life, even though I have messenger them about my trip away for Mums birthday etc. One of my friends seems to have forgotten that my mum even died! I've now decided that I no longer want them in my life and haven't even bothered replying.
I just want to tell them to fuck off and call them a bunch of cunts.
Raaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...