Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I found out today that my aunt, my dad's sister has cancer. She was so upset when my dad died and now she has bastarding cancer

Oh Jools I’m so, so sorry about your aunt. Life is already still very raw without your dad and now you have this news. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. 💐

Thanks retreat it's such a shock, but she is being really upbeat and brave. Chemo starts next week. Her DC, my cousins live away so I'm guessing they will be so worried. I saw them at my dad's funeral but other than that I've not seen them in years. My aunt lives nearby tho.

Sorry to see your news about your aunt jools I only have one aunt left and she is my mums sister. I do hope that the treatment your aunt will have can heal her. Will your cousins be able to travel to come and visit her ? I am sure you will be a great support for her. 💐

Thanks mummylin yes I'm sure my cousins will visit/help out. They both have school age children so won't be easy but they will be there im sure.
Aunt lives very close to the hospital which makes things easier.

I have found your thread thanks to Jools after she read my thread about my dad www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/3324045-My-dad-has-been-diagnosed-with-lung-cancer

It's 4 weeks since he died today and it almost seems likes I am living two lives, because it can't possibly be true that he died.

My main worry at the moment is my DB who isn't coping well, he was closer to dad in terms of how often he saw him and they lived together for a while many years ago. He is back at work but struggling when he's not. My DSis and I both have children which helps to distract us but he doesn't, I'm hoping he will come a stay with me to a little while. I live 90 miles away from my family and I am missing them all so much at the minute.

Hi August I think in the very beginning it is so difficult to accept that a loved one is no longer here. How does the world just carry on as normal when people are going through such a horrible time.
It is truly a horrible period of your life. But although it may not feel like it right now, eventually you have longer periods between each time you get low and upset. But there is no time limit on grief at all and things must run its course. I do hope your brother can come to you and get the support that he needs, and it will be nice for you too. I could not of got through it all without my siblings.
Don't look too far ahead, just one day at a time, do look after yourself. Sorry you have had to join us. 💐

I have just read your thread August about your dad's illness. It must be incredibly tough to accept that all this happened so very quickly. So I would imagine that you are in a bit of shock as well as your grief. We will support you when you need us, even if you want a moan about something, we all understand.

Hi. I just found you. I lost my Mum suddenly 7 weeks ago. I'm really struggling with it all.

FlamingGoat I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm pleased you have found us.
7 weeks is still really early days, it must all seem so raw. I remember the first few months being a fog of grief and disbelief.
Take each day as it comes, don't expect the grief to 'get better'
My lovely dad died last September and I'm still grieving as much as I did a year ago. I'm not crying every day and I go to work, and I laugh etc but I still have really sad 'can't believe he's gone' moments.
Everybody deals with grief differently so be Kind to yourself
Would it help you to tell us about your mum?

Hi - my father passed away last Monday after a short sudden illness. I thought work were being nice about it all - they said I could take time off before he died to spend time with him as we'd been told it was terminal and wouldnt be long and since then I've sent in a sickline for 2 weeks. They send a lovely card so I have emailed my bosses to thank them and I got a reply back from one of them (meant for the other boss not me) and it's made me wonder if they think I should be back at work. It's been 11 days and it only hit me on Tuesday that's he's gone and not coming back.
So I don't know what to do - when should you go back to work. Is it too soon? What can work say about it all? Help!

Hi Chablis, when my dad was diagnosed I stare a whole thread about how much time should you take off when a parent dies and there was a huge variety of responses - everything from just one or two days cos that was all their work allowed, to six months or so off sick. And every thing in between. My takeaway was that it completely depends on the individual and what their work allows.

FWIW, my dad died the exact same day as yours and I think I'm going back on Monday but I really don't feel ready. I just feel bad about people being under pressure in carrying my workload. And cos I assume that if I get there, it'll just be a case of putting one foot in front of the other and I'll cope.

More generally, I just came on to say I'm having a really sad day today. I talked to my DB on the phone who says he's getting sadder every day and that's how it feels to me.

Sorry PS Chablis what did the email say that makes you think that? Are you sure you're just not being sensitive? I'm aware that I'm super sensitive to everything at the moment.

basically all it said was yes I noticed that. So it got me thinking about it - all I said was thanks for the card - speak soon. Now that can mean I'll speak soon or I'll see you soon to speak in person. I didn't mention going back at all.
Yes - maybe I'm being sensitive but it's just strange. I've no other siblings so it's just me and my mum left and we're trying to muddle through and get things sorted for her but there's only me and I feel the pressure more when Dad was sick and now when he's not here. Coupled with my anxiety and depression that I am getting counselling for it's like a perfect storm.

chablis I'm sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound as tho you are ready for work. I suggest you visit your GP for a sick certificate. You can only self certificate for 2 weeks.
I had about 6 weeks off when my dad died.
Concentrate on you and your mum, you need each other right now.

chablis I would second what jools has said about getting a doctors certificate. If you don't feel ready then your not. We are all different and only you know how you are feeling.
Sadly there is no fix apart from time for grief and for some of us it's quicker than for other people. For me it's nearly seven years and I still feel it quite badly.
It is very early on for you as it is. For flaming and Rain, each one of you will deal with it in the way that suits and comforts you the best.
I am so sorry for all your losses, do take each day as it comes and don't hesitate to post when you need a shoulder.
💐

MyGuideJools This was something I wrote recently.

My Mum died at 1.11am. We couldn't raise her on the phone so I asked her friend to call round. They found her on the floor unresponsive.
The hospital decided that she was very very poorly and asked me to come straight down. We drove over 600 miles to try and get to her but didn't make it in time. She died with her friend holding her hand.
The next two weeks turned into a blur. The council wanted their house back ASAP. We had to strip it of all carpets etc the day after her funeral.
Fast forward to this week and I'm back in my house surrounded by boxes of memories. The house is stuffed. I feel like I cant breathe.
I need to grieve but can't. I just feel so angry all the time. I have lost my Mum and even though I live far away, I have lost my Home. Work is a real struggle. I have no patience at all with anyone . My friends have all but ignored me since hearing the news.
It's been 7weeks and it feels like everyone has forgotten my Mum ever existed.

flaming. It sounds like you are having a really tough time at the moment. It has been noticed many times how people you thought were friends weren't there for you when you could really do with their support.
It is almost inhuman when you have to clear the house so quickly, we had the same with my dh,s parents house.it is awful and a real strain.
I am sorry you didn't get to be with your mum when she died,but glad she wasn't alone.
Your anger is all part of the grieving process, this in time will change. When you feel more like it, you will be able to go through all the stuff you have in your house of your mums, I still have boxes of it from my mum too.
For now, one day at a time is enough to cope with. 💐

flaming mummylin has said all i wanted to say really.
It's inhuman how councils demand a person's home back so soon after they have gone.
That 600 mile journey must have been horrendous. It's a small comfort that your mum had a friend with her tho.
I'm wondering if you need some 'me' time to process things. Could you get signed off work for a few weeks? You need to think of you for a while. Have you any support?

We lost my dad 4 weeks ago by suicide. Every week seems harder than the last. I don't know how I'm going to get through the pain. It was too early to lose him plus the fact we had no idea he was feeling like this is horrifying and so so sad - he had us and we loved him so much and would have done anything to help if we had known he felt that bad. I've been struggling with depression and suicidal and he had been looking after me which I feel terribly guilty for and feel that i triggered something - I put him through a lot of pain and stress.
Nothing seems to help and everything feels very bleak. We are going to miss him so much.

Hello allused I am sorry for the terrible pain you are obviously in. What a terrible shock for you and the rest of your family. Very sad, distressing time for you, not only are you grieving, you must also be in shock.
I would think it will be a tough time for you for quite a while, not an easy thing to accept is it.
I notice you said your dad was helping you through suicidal feelings, I hope that you are able to cope, but please if you struggle too much please ask for help.
We are here if you need to talk about anything. 💐

@mummylin thank you so much. Yes, so hard to separate out grief, shock amongst ongoing depression. It's difficult because every day feels like a crisis and I feel like I need extra support 24/7, the pain and insanity of the situation is overwhelming. I'm talking to a therapist, have helplines, friends, family etc. I'm not currently having those feelings or thoughts because I see what utter destruction it leaves behind but the thought of carrying this tragedy and loss and unanswered questions with me for the rest of my life is hard to contemplate and frightening.

Is must all be very stressful for you allused. I would say to you, don't torture yourself by looking too far ahead. Just get through each day for now. You would drive yourself mad thinking ahead too far and it clearly would not be at all helpful for you at this time.
I am glad that you have support , that is so important. But as I said to you yesterday, there is always someone popping on here if you need to chat or get reassured, or anything actually. 💐

Yesterday was tough. I was making a cup of tea and just suddenly really REALLY wanted my mum. It was like someone punched me in the stomach.

I have a week booked off at the end of October and a week before Christmas which was actually for me to spend my birthday and pre Christmas with mum. I'm not sure what I want to do. My DP has offered to pay for me to fly down but I don't know if im ready yet. The house is gone so its not home anymore.

FlamingGoat That rings true about being punched in the stomach, that's how the grief hits me as I'm going about my day.
I think it's too early for you to decide about your weeks off yet, In another 3 or 4 weeks you may feel differently.
I had a holiday booked 5 weeks after my dad died and I really didn't want to go but it was all paid for and I felt DH needed a holiday too.
We went (DH & I) and it was good to get away and relax but I remember laying on the beach on the sunbed with silent tears rolling down my face thinking about my dad 😒
Its a clichè but life does have to go on and I kept telling myself dad would not have wanted me to miss my holiday.
Don't think too far ahead just yet .