Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I got told "These things happen. See you around maybe" on Tuesday by someone who used to call herself my Sister when I told her how much I was struggling with my Mum's death.

God, Flaming, people can be really CRAP, can't they? Having said that, lots of people in work have been extremely lovely, but I just feel very raw and sensitive to those who aren't.

It's quite astonishing here people that we believe are friends, do not then give their support when it's most needed. Some people seem to think that in a couple of weeks we will of " got over it " as if it's nothing.
All I can say is that one day , when it happens to them, they will see how utterly heartbreaking and yes, life changing too, it is to lose a much loved mum / dad

I am glad that you feel able to rant on here. It's far better than letting it build up inside you. For you all 💐

Its quite astonishing that I've had more support and friendship on here from stranger's on the internet than in real life.
Thank you all.

We are not strangers, we are friends that you haven't met !
Glad you feel we are helping.💐

I think until it's happened to you you have no idea how catastrophic this is,in so many ways. In a way it probably isn't their fault.I'm dreading facing real life again. I know this is going to happen.It was bad enough seeing/ hearing the ICU ward getting on with clinging onto other lives minutes after my dad died.I felt resentful,how awful is that.

It's 1 and I'm up again. My dad always used to talk about a death file he'd written to help my mum. It was a family joke.He was very organised and financially savvy. We all searched his study several times from top to bottom to no avail,it was so heartbreaking going through his things while cursing at him under my breath. Rang one of his friends and it turns out it was a work in progress on his laptop which we got into. He'd written a letter to my mum which started " If you're reading this I fell off my perch..." Was so hard to read but is making things easier to get through practically. He has told us exactly what to do. Advising me even in death. Not sure how I'm going to cope without him to turn to for advice.I know at 50 it's time to grow up but I just don't want to. I want to turn the clock back.

We spoke to the funeral people he linked to who were lovely. Had a bad day as so tired and he's everywhere in their house. I oscillate from longing to get away from it to craving being there with my mum and sister as we are all experiencing the same thoughts as this shitty time and can cry/ talk about it as much as we like.Came home briefly to sort my family out,felt better doing chores then looked out of the window and saw 3 agapanthus he'd helped us plant. Garden needs so much work and realised his wealth of knowledge in everything has gone for ever. Big punch in the guts which stayed with me all through the little sleep I got. Trying to read a boring book to get back to sleep.My eyes are continuously leaking again.

Hi @Bi11ybutton I followed you here.

Hi everyone. I lost my dad in July and haven't really discussed it with anyone. It's hard to really talk about him with tearing up. I'm happy this place exists and that we can support each other. It's definitely a you don't understand until you go through it experience.

Yes talking to people who understand the searing pain makes me think less that I'm living in some strange fuzzy nightmare. It makes it real but a comfort to know there is complete understanding. I guess that is why I have a craving to be near my mum,sister and partner. We're dreading my sister going back home. Leaving my mum alone in that house for the first night alone is going to kill me. Ditto going back to work knowing she has so many hours alone. Going to get up now and get down there.Its strange I dread the house but crave being there.

July makes it still very early days BeautI fully. Are you back at work? It might be a couple of hours before I reply.

I'm in the States and a stay at home mom so my replies are going to be probably a big gap from yours. I cried leaving my mom at the airport. Thankfully my aunts were there. She didn't sleep in the house alone the first night and I FaceTime her everyday. I miss her so much. Probably more than she misses me. Lol. She has a lot of family and friends support but I feel like it should be mostly me. My brother is there but it's not the same.

Hi Beauteafully, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. 🌸 It’s very early days and your grief will be very raw. I completely understand your feelings, I lost my darling Dad one year ago next week and I still feel so devastated. I also worry for my mum, although being a distance away must be incredibly hard at this time for you both. But you are doing what you can do for her, FaceTime is a great resource and a more personal connection perhaps than a phone call. You sound like such a caring daughter and you Mum will know this. Please seek support here when you need us. You’re in my thoughts.

Bi11yButton I replied on the other thread, your dad sounds so much like mine! Death file and hand written notes sound very familiar.
Dad's garden was his pride and joy. A year on and it's a mess we are just arranging to have it all landscaped so it's easier for mum.
The thought of mum being alone in the house made me so sad. I only live minutes away but the thought of her alone at night broke my heart. But she was adamant that she wanted to be alone, and a year later she's getting a little bit more used to it.
I had about 6 weeks off work, but I work in the hospital where dad died and I simply couldn't face going into the building
It sounds as though you are supporting each other which is the most important thing

Thanks!! Last night I dreamt I was giving him a hug but he couldn't see me so he didn't hug me back. I kept thinking if he could only see me then he'd squeeze back. He never did.

Beautifully that must be hard. Can you text your mum thoughts. We're finding that's helping a little. I'm also holding on to the thought that he'd be really upset if he knew he was causing so much pain. It's making me move through it and gives me a goal. Don't ask me what the goal is or how we achieve it though.

Saw where he's going to be buried which has helped a bit. It's an eco plot and beautiful. Felt uplifted then had to go through stuff in his study and start shredding. Utter agony. He's even done us a mock probate form with a question mark next to his date of death.😳 We had a little chuckle. Selling his car tomorrow,dreading going into the garage with the keys but we all want it gone. Going to be an inquest which seems like the agony will be prolonged. I've arranged a Gp appointment to try and get grief councelling.

One thing I find weird is the rest of the world carrying on as normal whilst we live in this parallel universe of pain. I feel resentful and jealous.

It's hard watching everyone else live happily with their dads and not having mine. I know he wouldn't want me to fall apart but I also know he'd understand if I did. He'd know it just means I love him so. Let me know how the car selling goes. My mom hasn't even considered what to do with my dad's things. His glasses are still where her left them. But whatever works for her is what matters.

Also the plot we chose for him is in the most beautiful cemetery. He's right near a newly planted tree so when we visit we'll have shade as we watch it grow. It all seems so poetic. I just joined the bookclub on here. It feels good to have that distraction and the book is really good so far!!

That's good,I'm finding a few pages of non fiction helps. Currently reading the Hilary Clinton book which just happened to be around( quite dry),highly recommend it for sleep inducing material😏. Only thing is it doesn't help with the fragility of life feelings I'm having. I was a voracious reader up until when this happened. Haven't been able to face fiction again yet. Hope I don't lose that joy.My dad did well with the plot,think it will be a great comfort too. He always helped us,finding it hard to accept his help has gone forever.

I read that starting a hobby might be helpful. So until I work up to knitting I'm going to be stenciling designs onto flourbag kitchen towels. Lol. It's something.

Do you think a craft could help you find something to enjoy? It sounds so ridiculous to even suggest that something mundane could help you with such a life shattering loss.

Yes I think it will. I just woke up again. It's always around 3 am. Was trying to drop back off then got scared I was forgetting him,that I'd forget all the things I remember in years to come and that I was being disloyal. Currently reading the Trolls,Bots,Fake News and Real Russians chapter in the Clinton book. That and the Kavanagh news today is making my fragility of life fears worse. I still can't get over what happened. I've lost total faith in the safety of my little world and the wider world. Hope this is just a stage. Might have to change my book. No point dropping off if I wake up scared. The endless horrible jobs never seems to end. Arranged to have his car taken away today and then it went. Sitting in the office he bought it from was hideous. I just sobbed,poor dealer.My sister wanted to poke him with a pen

She felt he was too officious but I think sitting across from a sobbing,weeping mess was probably a little unnerving. Mum is clearing everything. It helps when spaces have been changed but seeing his stuff go is gut wrenching. Arrangements have been made for his fishing collection and I'm struggling with letting it go. All the family are here and he'd love it. He should be hear. It's not fair.

Did you see my PM?

I stopped reading for a whole year after Mum died and I have just finished a series of four books.

It does come back and as Mum was a voracious reader too I feel it is a connection.