Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

I have put a card up ever since I lost my mum, and when I told one of my brothers, he did the same thing. It really does bring me comfort to see a card up from her, and of course inside is her writing.
You will find all the "firsts" upsetting, first birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. They can all be extremely upsetting for the first time, especially when you see mums and daughters out together. But I promise you, things do improve eventually.
I remember my first New Year's Eve. My ds ( adult ) had a new year party and I couldn't face it. I persuaded dh to go and I sat here and sobbed, then came onto this thread to talk to others in the same position. I was broken hearted.
It has been so lovely to chat with others on here. And it's lovely that others find it helpful. The lady who has posted a few posts back was on our thread almost from the beginning, ( nearly 7 years now ) and we all helped each other so much.it does help to talk with like minded people who understand.
Definitely search out one of your cards.

You have a lot going on as your poor dad is also ill. It is horrible when you see people doing things to what was your mums home.
I remember the estate agent saying to me and one of my brothers " it's good that the house has been sold isn't it " that really upset me as no it wasn't good at all as we had lost our mum.
I do have to say that some people can be very thoughtless, then there are the people who just think that you should be ok in a couple of weeks !!!! My dd has just popped in so off to make a cuppa !

to all the newbies sad you had to join us.
I've now come full circle and just had the 1 year anniversary of my beloved dad dying. We were so close, wasapping and texting all the time. I saw him most days and took the last 2 months of his life off work to help mum care for him.
The 1sts are difficult, but we survived them, I think the worst was actually the anniversary of his death, bought back so many bad memories.
I have dads phone and kindle which still have his photos and txts on
Last new years eve I chose to work a night shift, and will probably do the same again this year. Dad loved Xmas, I can't find any enthusiasm for it yet.
Missing him doesn't get any easier.

Gosh reading that back I sound so miserable! I do live my life! I do laugh! and I'm enjoying work at the moment.
I just really miss him, and this site let's me vent. Thanks everyone

Your not miserable jools you are still grieving, which is so different. It's something that we can't fast track. We just have to get through it all as best as we can, even though there are so many hiccups along the way, just when we think we are recovering a bit.

Thanks mummylin I will be the first to admit that before my dad died I imagined people would be 'over' the death of a parent after a year. How little I knew! I definately feel a great deal more compassion now when I hear of someone losing a parent.

@myguidejools you are not miserable hun..I feel I cant talk to people in rl as they might think I'm miserable,even tho it has only been 16 weeks.i had everyone around me for 3 weeks then nothing.everyone gets on with their lives,stop ringing etc.@mummylin thank you for ur kind words and tips.i am going to get the cards out today and pick one to put out.i still have not rung the bereavement counselling,i think I will leave it till next week,feel too exhasted..what's helped me these last few weeks is getting my kindle out and reading.it helps alot with my aniexty,which has got worse this last month..I hope you ladys have a lovely day x

ivegot sixteen weeks is still so very early in this horrible time we have to get through somehow. Just do things in your own time when you feel able. I hope you will find your card, and this simple little thing will bring you a bit of comfort.
jools a lot of bereavement counsellors say that it takes two years to come out the other side of grief. But you will find that you get more good days than bad and there will be a longer time between your bouts of sadness.

Thanks mummylin and ivotthis
I havnt done the card thing, but I've got a framed photo of dad in my lounge which I keep a vase of fresh flowers next too, replacing them weekly. I also have a little tea light in a pretty jar next to him.
Some people might not agree with this, but mum and I have a glass paperweight made by the 'ashes into glass' company. I think it's beautiful and brings me comfort.

I think that is lovely jools I know that you can also have beautiful jewellery made with some of the ashes too. I wish I had done this. I do have some of mums hair in a gold locket , but I never wear it in case I lose it !

That's why I decided on a paperweight as i would be too scared about losing jewellery.
It really is beautiful ♥️

That is a very special and precious memory jools my dh suggested I put half in another necklace, but I just can't do that. So it will remain unworn, which really is a shame as my dd bought me the necklace in the first place ! But I just can't chance it.

I would be the same mummylin to precious to risk losing.

I'm having a tough week

My boss's boss (whose elderly mum also recently died) was asking me about my mum and asked how she died. I still haven't figured out what to do when this happens except tell the truth, that she killed herself. After that I just couldn't get back on balance, I still haven't. I don't know how to get free of this terrible sadness that makes everything else just seem impossible to manage. I feel so weakened, like I might just break down over nothing. I wake up feeling panicky, like there's something really important I forgot to do - and then I remember it's too late,the awful thing ready happened. Whenever anything goes wrong this wave of hopelessness just overtakes me. I'm not delivering at work, I'm not achieving anything in my personal life, I haven't even applied for probate or put her house on the market. It's been three months, I put a lot into organising the funeral but now I'm just so depleted. I feel like i have nothing left in me and no way to rrplenish myself.

I doesn't help that my mum died the same week I started my new job (after a year of mat leave and a move to a new city) so these people don't really know any other version of me but this grieving zombie. I know I must look incompetent and like I'm not learning fast enough; because my head isn't in the game and I have no heart for anything.

When will this awful feeling go? How can I ever mend it when the reason for it won't ever change or get better?

Hello Enn you poor soul, I can feel your pain and feelings of hopelessness in your post. It is only 3 months since you had this awful loss, which for time to grieve is nothing at all.
Your loss is compounded by the way in which you have suffered this loss.
I think what you are going through Is to be expected, but I would recommend you either arrange to see a bereavement counsellor or at the least to see your doctor.
I can't imagine what you must be going through in these circumstances and I can imagine it feels like absolute hell.
We are all here to chat or if you like you can pm me at anytime. I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but we are all here to help if we can.
Hardly anytime has passed really and you are still in the first agonising steps of your grief. Please don't try and struggle through on your own. If you find it difficult to speak to people in Rl Talk to us.
But you don't have to explain to anyone when they ask about your mum, just say that she died and offer no explanation. People can just accept your answer. Take care and remember you are not alone, you have the people on this thread who can listen.💐

Thanks @Mummylin - it is good to know there are others going though it too. I wish there was some way I could give people some sort of idea of how hard I'm struggling without actually telling them what I'm struggling with. I feel so bad for work colleagues that I'm not able to give of my best and they have no explanation as to why.

It already feels like a very long time, which I know is the opposite of what a lot of people feel. I feel like I need to get my head out of this fog but the smallest setback just thrusts me back into it again.

I do think counselling would help. I need to ring the helpline my work lay on for staff... But I just can't imagine what anyone could say to make anything better. But then I couldn't when I had counselling as an undergrad either and it changed my life so I have to give it a try.

The only thing that makes me feel better is being with my little girl, and as I say the same week my mum died was the week I started full time work again 😞 so the struggle o already would have had being parted from her is so much worse now... But I'm also aware I should t be using her as my emotional crutch, she's not there to make me feel good or help me cope, it's meant to be the other way around 😩

Thank you again for your kind words and for making this thread - writing here doesn't make me feel better as such, but it is so essential sometimes to get it out of me in words, and it only makes things hurt more when you share it irl with someone who really doesn't understand, even with the best will in the world. I can't talk to my partner about it because he doesn't know how to soothe or comfort me, and i can't tell him what I need because I don't know either. But this does help me survive the wave when it comes, just having somewhere to put it where I know it will be seen and heard and cared about. So thank you x

Sometimes it isn't what others say to you, it's the fact that they will listen. I hope you can sort out a counsellors apt soon. It's worth a try and hopefully will help you, at least it will be a chance to unburden yourself.
For now, just get through a day at a time, it's enough to cope with when you feel so rotten.
You could just tell people that ask that your mum died of an illness. It's nobody's business. It's very rude if they then ask you what illness it was. You don't have to explain anything that makes you feel upset and uncomfortable. 💐

Ennirem so sorry you are having to deal with this, I second everything Mummylin has said, it's very early days, although I know from experience that it probably seems a lifetime already.
Starting a new job is a new city is stressful enough without adding the loss of a loved one into the mix.
I agree, nobody needs to know how your mum died, and although I've no experience of counselling I can imagine it might be good for you to talk things through.
I wish you well, we are all here for you.

I do hope that everyone is managing to cope ok.i know the first few weeks can seem so unreal. Look after yourselves and remember one day at a time. 💐

Just checking in as my dad died last Monday. Thank you for this thread. His funeral was Saturday and it was an absolute whirlwind of organising until then, so it feels now is the first time i

Sorry posted too soon. Now is the first time I'm really facing up to it all. I just can't believe he's gone. I'm so sad.

I also feel a bit lonely. DP has some quite major things going on in her family (we're both women, hence the pronouns!) and I feel perhaps as though she's not been quite as supportive as she might. And I supposed I'm also worried about being a good mum to DD (2) when I feel like I can't get out of bed.

Ennirem I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. As well as counselling, I wonder would it be an idea to see the GP about taking some time off work sick? It would give you some some without worrying about your performance.

Hello Rain so sorry you have joined us here. I sometimes felt that I didn t get enough support from dh when I lost my mum. I remember one day one of the records we had had at mums funeral was on the tele and dh thought it fine to sing along. I was very upset at the time.
Grief does hit you like a sledge hammer. You can be getting on with something and then it hits you with no warning. But this is all very normal and will be for quite a while. Gradually you will have longer gaps between being a sobbing wreck and coping ok.
It is extremely early days for you, so for now don't look ahead too far, one day at a time is enough to cope with.
It def does help to have RL support, but in any case we are here to help you cope. 💐

You're so kind, Mummylin, it really does help. Thank you.

Someone will always be here at some point so you have no need to feel alone. We have all been where you are and do understand exactly the awfulness of this sad time. It's just heartbreaking. 💐

rainatnight I'm sorry you have lost your dad, my dad died a year ago and I miss him so so much, but I don't cry every day, but sometimes the grief just hits like a brick. It is very early days for you, like mummylin said take every day as a new day, and be kind to yourself