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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

991 replies

Mummylin · 01/02/2018 18:29

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

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Kernowgal · 19/06/2018 17:09

I'm feeling exactly the same at the moment. We had mum's funeral yesterday and it was lovely, so many people came. I cried when a particular song was played, but otherwise was ok. I seem to be upset by other people being upset, if that makes sense. I just feel like it hasn't happened, she's just gone away. She was cremated but I don't even feel like that's actually happened - we left the chapel and didn't see it go behind the curtain or whatever.

I had expected to be in pieces today but I feel pretty normal.

Kernowgal · 19/06/2018 17:10

Oh and how rude of me - I'm sorry for your loss, Enni. X

Ennirem · 19/06/2018 20:18

Thank you BonApp, Kernowgal and mummy - reassuring to know I'm not the only one reacting this way. So sorry for all of your losses 🌺🏵️🌹

I seem to be coming down with something now, achey and tired and just want to sleep forever - maybe this is my body reacting somehow even if my mind is failing to register properly.

Good luck with the funeral BonApp, I started thinking about it today and am slightly obsessing over readings/music... My mum was depressed for a long time and often had "I want xyz at my funeral" type outbursts,but I never really paid attention as I thought it was morbid and unhelpful... Really wished I'd listened now as she's left no detailed instructions in her policy 😟

bexcee · 19/06/2018 22:34

So sorry for your loss Enni. I lost my dad to cancer six weeks ago.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve so don't worry that you're not doing it right if that makes sense.
I found planning for the funeral gave me something to focus on and my mum, sister and I spent a lot of time sharing memories and looking at readings and music which helped.
It's now that I feel really emotional and low as I learn how to live without my Dad.
There's lots of information online regarding readings and music for funerals so have a search and see what strikes a chord with you.
It's not an easy time for you and the circumstances must leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Take good care of yourself and check in here if you need help or support Thanks

bexcee · 19/06/2018 22:35

Mummylin how's your DH doing? Did he have the op? Thinking of you Thanks

Mummylin · 19/06/2018 23:28

Hi Bex after waiting all afternoon they decided not to do it. He us now having op tomorrow morning. It's making me stressed out ! Thanks for asking.

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MyGuideJools · 20/06/2018 07:24

Enniren so sorry for your lossFlowers
sounds like a very normal reaction. I am currently going through the 'numb' stage and feel guilty that I should still be upset. Grief is a strange thing!
mummylin how stressful for you all. My DF had an op cancelled 3 times last year, it's awful waiting around. I really hope it goes ahead todayFlowers

Mummylin · 21/06/2018 00:03

Now deferred to thurs morning !!! Argggggg !

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MyGuideJools · 21/06/2018 09:17

omg mummylin that's awful. Your poor nerves must be shot! Wine

Mummylin · 21/06/2018 09:40

Yes I am utterly stressed out. Dh being very calm. I feel quite angry about it to be honest. But hopefully things now going the right way the anaesthetist has been and dh has signed consent form. He just text and Ward has been phoned to see if he is ready, so shouldn't be too long now 🤞

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MyGuideJools · 21/06/2018 10:26

let's hope so mummylin the waiting around is so stressfulFlowers

Mummylin · 21/06/2018 13:31

All done at last, going to visit in a minute.

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MyGuideJools · 21/06/2018 13:39

thank goodness! hope he's okFlowers

bexcee · 21/06/2018 18:27

Mummylin what a stressful time for you. Hope it all went well in the end Thanks

Kr3000 · 23/06/2018 18:59

Hi, I've just found this post and am a newbie, please be gentle! My dad passed away 3 months ago. He was ill for a long time and deteriorated over the last few months. I live a fair bit away from dm and dsis. I have a young baby and have found it difficult to be fully involved with everything before and after he passed. I feel really isolated. Dm and dsis live close to each other, and dh and I hope to move up to them soon. Scattering his ashes took them even further away and I was unable to go due to young baby and distance, travel costs and accommodation. As such I feel a bit lost and abandoned almost. I've never been in a situation where we are all grieving, and so i know we are all dealing with it in our own way, but I just feel like I've missed part of the process and that I'm not seen as part of the family anymore. As you may have noticed I'm not dealing with it too well!

MyGuideJools · 23/06/2018 21:17

oh bless you Kr Flowers it must be hard feeling so isolated but I'm sure your mum and sis don't mean you to feel this way.
I know my bro feels the same way. Our dad died 10 months ago and my bro lives a 4 hour drive away. He did get here to be with dad as he passed but he says he wishes he was closer to home now. mum lives 5 mins from me and dads ashes are in her garden.
mum and I do a lot together and support each other and my bro has to rely on phone calls to help support mum.
we all grieve in different ways and it's tough when you are all grieving at the same time.
it's very early days for you, be kind to yourself and post on here for support.This thread has been a comfort to meFlowers

Kr3000 · 23/06/2018 21:53

Thank you, @MyGuideJools. That has really helped put it into perspective. I think just putting it on here has comforted me - it's not something I want to bring up too much, and I definitely wouldn't say it to them. It's just really tricky. I feel terribly guilty that I couldn't be there enough, and I just hope that they don't think that this is a justified feeling.

MyGuideJools · 23/06/2018 22:33

To be honest Kr I did have a fleeting thought early on that my bro was getting away without doing anything in the way of organising. But then realised that he actually wanted to be with us and felt awful for being so far away. I feel sorry for him, he missed spending every day with my dad in the last few weeks like I was able to. I would of hated not being with my dad.
And you have the addition of a baby to look after too. I'm pretty sure your mum would be horrified if she knew how you felt.

Mummylin · 25/06/2018 09:43

Kr30000 I am sure your family understand the position you are in and don't think anything badly of you. It's not so easy to just uproot and travel distances when you have a young baby, you are being too hard on yourself. We can all only do what we can and I'm sure you did your best in your circumstances, 💐

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Kr3000 · 25/06/2018 10:14

Thanks Mummylin, I hope that's the case. I've been working hard on my thought process about this, as it's very hard to be logical when dealing with bereavement.

Mummylin · 25/06/2018 14:00

Yes it takes a while to get your head round it all. It's such a distressing and sad time. It's so hard to think that someone is just not here anymore. My mum died 6 1/2 years ago but sometimes it just feels like yesterday and I can't imagine I haven't seen her for that long. There is always someone missing. My mum loved any family gatherings with all her children and grandchildren and every time someone says " mum would of loved this " as happened over the weekend at a family wedding. And of course we all have to adjust to a different life. Which is tough. But in saying that eventually we do go on to still have a happy life, we don't ever forget or stop loving the person who is missing, but we learn to live without them.
It is still early days for you and you will go through a range of emotions, but it's quite normal and in particular the first year, birthdays, anniversary's, Christmas and others. But the second year is much easier to cope with. 💐

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Ennirem · 27/06/2018 14:25

Hello all, just checking in from Numbtown! I have started to feel very physically ill... really run down, achey, nauseous, can't eat anything except fruit (I'm not a fruit person!), i have a sort of tight feeling in my chest all the time, and these sharp sudden headaches at the back or the front of my head that build and then fade like contractions. Can all this just be referred stress?

Emotionally I'm still plodding along, and can't seem to really appreciate that my mum is dead. I feel like my brain can't get past the how - the suicide - and is just turning away from how horrible that is, and I'm never getting past that to the far worse fact that however it happened she's gone and I'll never see her again. I'm organising her funeral and it doesn't feel like something that's really going to happen, it's like playing at it somehow. It almost feels like some sort of challenge I've been set, like I'm performing and earning points for every task checked off the list - flowers chosen, check; music chosen, check - and people will say "oh you must be feeling so awful" and I remember "oh yes, this is all because mum's dead, how awful" but can't FEEL it.

I was in her house last weekend where it happened. I tidied up her room where she died; cleaned the sick off the floor where she fell. I didn't even cry. Not once.

No real point to this; just feel a bit out of myself and thought writing it out might help. Hasn't really.

I really hope I stop feeling so strange soon, or at least stop feeling ill.

MyGuideJools · 27/06/2018 15:20

Ennirem Flowers i do believe you are suffering from shock and grief all rolled into one. Your mum died in a horrific way which must be so hard to deal with. Don't feel guilty for being numb, go with it.
I do believe one day it will hit you like a brick and then the tears will come.
Don't beat yourself up, you cannot control your feelings. Be kind to yourselfBrew

Ennirem · 27/06/2018 15:42

Thank you Jools I just don't feel like myself at all, I'm a very emotional, empathetic person by and large, I'll cry at anything, sad films, even sad songs can set me off normally. I feel like I've been cut off from myself. As you say it will probably hit me hard at some point (hopefully not while I'm reading the eulogy!)

Mummylin · 27/06/2018 16:57

Enni I agree with Jools that you are in deep shame shock. What a terrible thing to of happened. Shock can do strange things to a person. Eventually it will hit you, but at the moment it seems you are doing a lot of arranging things , which has kept your brain busy. So sorry you are going through this 💐

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