Hello all, just checking in from Numbtown! I have started to feel very physically ill... really run down, achey, nauseous, can't eat anything except fruit (I'm not a fruit person!), i have a sort of tight feeling in my chest all the time, and these sharp sudden headaches at the back or the front of my head that build and then fade like contractions. Can all this just be referred stress?
Emotionally I'm still plodding along, and can't seem to really appreciate that my mum is dead. I feel like my brain can't get past the how - the suicide - and is just turning away from how horrible that is, and I'm never getting past that to the far worse fact that however it happened she's gone and I'll never see her again. I'm organising her funeral and it doesn't feel like something that's really going to happen, it's like playing at it somehow. It almost feels like some sort of challenge I've been set, like I'm performing and earning points for every task checked off the list - flowers chosen, check; music chosen, check - and people will say "oh you must be feeling so awful" and I remember "oh yes, this is all because mum's dead, how awful" but can't FEEL it.
I was in her house last weekend where it happened. I tidied up her room where she died; cleaned the sick off the floor where she fell. I didn't even cry. Not once.
No real point to this; just feel a bit out of myself and thought writing it out might help. Hasn't really.
I really hope I stop feeling so strange soon, or at least stop feeling ill.