Hello everyone. I lost my mum to suicide on Thursday... a shock but not a surprise as she had struggled with depression all her life and has had an absolutely shocking past year.
I have always been her main support, but had stepped back as I had my first child last January and was focusing on her... And if I'm honest because having my daughter had stirred up a lot of resentment and frustration towards my mum as it made me less able to understand some of her behaviour to me and my sister as children, and I was trying to process that privately without taking it out on my mum while she was having a tough time...
I saw her a fortnight ago for the first time in a long time and she seemed low but looking forward, we had a lovely time together with my daughter... I still can't believe that that was the last time I will see her alive.
I am struggling to grieve 'properly' - I feel numb most of the time, very business like about the practicalities of coroner, funeral, probate etc... I've had about three big sobbing breakdowns but they've passed off, and I just feel detached, guilty, but so cold about it all most of the time...
can anyone who's gone through this reassure me the way I'm responding is normal and that I will eventually be able to grieve? I feel so monstrous just getting on with it all, but don't want to try and 'make' myself feel the pain and regret and so on as surely if it's there, it will come in its own time.... Just not how I ever imagined this would feel 