Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Hello Kernow How you are feeling Is completely normal for you. We all feel differently and there is no right or wrong way. It comes as a bit of a surprise really, when we are so upset but aren't weeping buckets all day everyday. I think the first few days go by in a bit of a blur really, it is though it hasn't happened at times, then something jolts us back to reality and then the tears flow again, which is perfectly fine.
We all find our own way to cope eventually, whatever is best for you is the right way. Grief is odd in that there are so many different reactions from everyone. I am sorry for your loss, I will go and read your thread.Take care of yourself. 💐

Didn't your mum do well to carry on right up until now. She must of been tougher than anyone thought. Lovely that you were with her, I wish I could of been with my mum, but she died unexpectedly and nobody was there. 💐

Thank you Mummylin. She was tough, she never complained even when she was clearly struggling. She was amazing, and my only regret is that I didn't find out more about her past - bits came out here and there, but I'm now realising that I don't really know anything about her pre-marriage and kids. It's a shame. I can ask my uncles though.

I'm sorry you weren't with your mum when she died. That must be hard for you. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. and thanks for your kind words.

mummylin adapting is the right word and you’re right, it will take time. She had her first night on her own and said she was so said to come down to a still empty house and thought “this is it, this is the rest of my life”. DB and SIL are popping in regularly but DB is struggling himself. How do you cope with someone else’s grief when you’ve also got your own?

kernow I feel exactly the same. I cried so much about dads illness and have thought so much about it all over the past year, I don’t feel like I’ve got much more to cry or think about. Yet there still a low level weirdness and sadness to everything.

Funnily enough I don’t think I’ve thought about dad himself that much. I thought I’d be sentimental and sad about “his body” but I don’t. I’m not sure what I feel when I think about him tbh. Obviously I love him and I know I will miss him but given I’ve lived abroad for a little while and that really “my dad as he was” went a long time ago, I am almost used to missing the person he was. I’m heartbroken that what happened happened to him though it feels normal (as we’d got used to it I guess) and surreal all at once.

Bonapp I can definitely answer how you cope with someone else's grief when dealing with your own.
It is a very stressful,situation and I had this situation when my sister died at 26yrs old. I had my mum come to stay so I could look after her and so my house was the hub of the family where everyone came. Mum stayed about 3 months and in that time I hardly cried. I was trying to be brave for everyone else. But I ended up on anti depressants and 10 weeks off work, where I had kept it to myself.
It is difficult but for you it may be easier because you can get yourself out of the situation for a bit. You have to do your own grieving or it just all builds up inside and then somehow it just gets worse. 💐

BonApp that's really reassuring, thank you. I suppose I was expecting to feel much worse than I do, but it's only been a week, I'm maybe still in shock.

Mummylin that sounds horrendous.

kernogal yesi agree you may very well still be in shock. I think even when you know the inevitable outcome, when it actually happens it is still terrible. And in your case, your mum seemed to be so strong and maybe you were lulled into a false sense that the day you lost her wasn't really going to come because she exceeded expectations.
Shock can also be physical.
When my mum died I was at my gs footi game. My legs refused to walk across the fields to get to our car. They seemed to weigh a ton and I had a real pain in my heart area, this was there for about a week.
The whole situation for me was unbearable, and I feel so much for anyone in the first few days and weeks of grief. It is truly heartbreaking for everyone.
It is now nearly 7 yrs for me , but even now I remember every second of that awful day. I will never " get over it " but have now learnt to live with it and can be happy . I am lucky, I have fab siblings, my own adult children , and three gc. Without them I don't know how I would of got through it all to be honest. I know some people don't have so much support, but it def helps if you have good friends too.
All anyone can do is to get through each day and not look too forward for now. Acceptance will come , but it all takes time for everyone. It will all be alright. 💐

sorry to see new people here, though it is a good place to come if you are in this situation.
I’m about 6 weeks in now and have moved from being up and down to just feeling very flat, like nothing is important enough to do anymore. I was crying last night and dh is asking “what’s wrong” but he doesn’t seem to know anything to say other than that! It’s not as if what wrong has changed or will for some time. Have cleared mum’s house and hard to think will never be back there. Though maybe I can start to remember happier times there rather than just the last year of her illness.

Kernowgal, i’d times of feeling quite energised just after dm died, I think there is an adrenaline rush at the start.

I understand iggion I found my dh happily singing along to the song on the radio and he didn't understand why I lost the plot. It was what we had played at my mums funeral. I don't think they mean to upset , they just are bloody thoughtless sometimes. But it can really hurt.
The only thing that helps any of us really is time.
I felt upset when the estate agent who sold my mums house said to me " that's good news isn't it " ?
You are still at the beginning of this very sad road, but it does eventually get better, but you have lots of things to face during this first year, birthdays. Anniversary dates, all the things like that. But when all the " firsts" have passed it becomes easier to cope with. You will be ok. 💐

Yes I was expecting to feel worse I think. Though this morning instead of helping with the school run I stayed in bed. DH and I chatted and cried when he got back then I went back to sleep for a bit. I find mornings the hardest then am kind of ok. Though I did cry at my daughters preschool teacher when I told her at pick up.

At least 3 weeks until that funeral. I wish it was sooner as I feel like it’ll be a set back being that far away. Maybe I’m kidding myself and really that’s still early days.

My stepmum is doing ok it seems and DB and SIL are hanging out with her a lot and she has her best friends coming to stay next week. I have considered whether I’m hiding my grief behind worrying about her I do t think so though when I think of my dad it is a little foggy, that’s the only way I can describe it. Like it’s more about my stepmum abdcstes in the foreground and dad is way back in the distance out of sight. Which I guess is the reality really.

DH is also playing his music and being his usual chirpy self. Which is fine and not, all at the same time

Hope everyone is going along ok and all those that need it are getting the support they need. 💐

Just learning to live without my Dad now which is the hard part

bexee you are right, it certainly is the hardest part. It's 9 months today that my wonderful dad died. I miss him so much ⚘😢

Myguidejools does it get any easier? Is there a point that you are able to accept that they've gone?
I lost my Dad a month ago today and it's so hard to come to terms with.

bexee it's hard to explain. some days I'm fine, I accept dad has gone, but other days something hits me and I miss him so much it hurts. The tearful Days are getting less tho. I guess i will never be 'over' him, you just learn to live without him.
For you, a month is very early days. Take each day as it comes. As someone said to me "it only hurts because we loved them so much"

I feel the same MyGuideJools. It is a year and three months since Mum died.

I saw this today and found it comforting

so true bexee

Hello everyone,I confess that I haven't read through everything. Just having a bad evening and was looking to start a thread but found this instead. I lost my Mum a couple of months ago. My dad died over 17 years ago and lost my brother 20 years ago. When my brother died I was a total state and i learned to harden myself as I couldn't take the pain again. As a consequence I haven't been too bad, coped with the funeral fine too. In roughly the same time period my DH also lost his Dad, Brother and Mum. My Dss have therefore really only known my mum as a grandparent. It's Ds1s leaving prom next week but a lot of his old primary friends had theirs tonight. I'm seeing lots of photos on FB. I suppose the reality is hitting that we have all these milestones coming up and DSs have no grandparents to be proud of them and see them enter adulthood. I'm gutted for them and I just miss my Mum today. It's the stupid things like I got a nectar voucher today for extra points if I bought a People's Friend magazine which I only ever bought for my Mum.

Everyone is in bed sleeping and I just needed to get it of my chest I suppose. I need it out of my system before prom next week, i don't want DS to feel the weight of this on his special day.

bexcee that’s so true.

It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my lovely mum. I think I’m coping ok, although I think DH may disagree! I’m managing to function normally most of the time. I do have days when I think ‘ooh I must tell mum that’ then I remember that I can’t

That's what I'm struggling with too. I think, I'll tell my dad that next time I see him, then it hits me again that I can't.

It’s hard, isn’t it? I miss coming in from work and seeing mum’s name on the missed call list on the phone. She hated the answer machine and, very occasionally, there would be a sigh before she put the phone down. She rang me the day before she died and I’ve kept a screenshot of her name & date of the time of the call. The last phone call she made & it was to me

whats 😢the day before dad died we went to see him in the morning in hospital (totally unaware that the would be gone in 24 hours time) and his phone was on the cupboard but hanging off the edge. mum said to him 'what's your phone doing hanging off the edge like that?"
Dad said "I was trying to txt Jools" but he was too weak to reach the phone, or even to hold it. I always wonder what he wanted to say in his txt" . just after that he went to sleep and didn't speak again😥
we used to always wasaapp each other and I miss that. in fact I still txt him with my 'news'.....silly I know but it helps.

Not silly at all jools

How's everyone been at the weekend? I've been busy working so not had much time to think.
Not looking forward to father's day tho. it's my birthday too