Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Thank you Mummylin
I felt like a bit of a brat after writing that yesterday, but it is how I feel.
The biggest problem I have I think is that I just don't want to move on. I'm not even sure I want to feel better. What would that mean if I did? That would be it? That would be my Mum done? I don't understand it.

Theweemac. Maybe you are afraid that you will forget her voice, and things like that. We don't want to move on because each day that passes makes it longer since we last saw them. Then it gets to a year and you then instead of saying I lost my mum last month, we have to say "last year" then you get sad because of the time that has passed and we have been without them in our lives.
It is all very sad. For myself I will never get over it, but I have learnt to live with it, but still miss her terribly.
And of course, our lives then become different to what we have been used to, no phone calls , no homemade cake ! No popping in for a cuppa. We miss all of that too. 💐

I'm devastated to be joining this thread but I really need to let my feelings out or they will destroy me.

I come from a blended family, my bio mum & dad were straight out of the "stately homes" thread but divorced when i was 12 and mum remarried a wonderful man. He has just died of cancer, it was only detected late & was very aggressive. I feel orphaned by my loss as now i feel that i really have no family left- bio parents and siblings have NEVER given a crap about me, i was always the scapegoat child, never good enough etc yet he was quietly there. I adore my step sister but now feel this (illogical) fear that i will lose her now there is no link via him. we were there for each other, helped him as much as we could and have been persecuted by my mum for "ganging up" purely because we happened to agree on some things.

I cant tell anyone in RL the truth, I am so lost i just dont know what to do with myself, only another couple of days to the funeral and im terrified i am going to collapse with grief/panic attack. Had to book flowers earlier and all i achieved was sobbing down the phone FFS

Just read this back and it reads as disjointed as i feel so i'll leave it here

Thanks for listening

Hi landgirl I am so sorry, I can tell by your post how this has devastated you. Myself I would think that you and your sister will remain close as this will bring you both even closer as you are both going through such a sad loss.
At the funeral, you will find some strength you probably don't know you have, yes you will probably tearful, but that is to be expected. It will help enormously as after the service is over there will be others that you can chat to. And the service is over very quickly in most cases. I think we all dread it and think we can't face it, but we can't avoid it, and find that it's not as bad as we anticipate.
Grief is horrible and with your background, it may be amplified. To look se someone you care about is just so sad. Please post here for support whenever you need / want to, we all understand. 💐

So sorry to hear everyone's grief but I do find it of some comfort to know that what I'm feeling is 'normal'.
I was with my Dad when he died and it was so so hard but I'm glad I could be with him at the end. I wish I could say it was peaceful. My mum and sister were also there and we have supported each other since but not really spoke about that last hour with him when we were helpless bystanders to what he was going through. We talked to him right until the very end and I know he could hear us which is of some comfort. I told him I loved him which I very rarely did when he was alive so I'm pleased I was able to say goodbye to him.
It all happened so quick. He was waiting for a hospice bed. They thought he had four weeks. He was gone four days later.
He was only 66 no age at all these days.
The funeral is next week. I really want to read his eulogy with my sister but wonder if I'll be able to do it.
Thank you for the space to offload. Wish I wasn't here but glad others understand.

If you want to do a reading Bex could you have someone standing with you to take over if needs be ?
Such a horrible time for everyone, especially in the very early days and weeks. It sometimes feels like a bad dream.
I am glad you were able to speak to your dad before he died, I am sure he will of heard you. This thought must give you a little bit nervous f comfort at least . 💐

Don't know where the nervous came from !

Thank you mummylin.
My brother in law will do the reading if either me or my sister can't.
I wish I could wake up to find this is all a horrible dream.
How's your husband doing now?

Thanks mummylin I really appreciate your kind words x

Step dad was only 65 so no age either, he’d always been so active and well then the cancer floored him just 6 months ago, funeral is in two days and i didn’t eat or sleep for a couple of days after writing his eulogy as I found it so distressing. The celebrant is reading it for me as I know I will be in no fit state to do it myself, mother is disapproving of my grief as it is. Don’t think I’d survive any one of her rants of “why are you so DRAMATIC” :( like grief is something to be ashamed of :(

Dh has had an op to fix some part of the problem, but since he had a radioactive scan to look at a kidney we have heard nothing ! They only found that when they gave him ultra sound for something else, so still waiting for result. Thanks for asking.

Gosh Mummylin, I can't believe you're still here holding all this together. You were here, and I think fairly new, when I first joined this board 6.5 years ago.
I've been back periodically since. And today I'm back again. I wish somebody had told me that it doesn't always get easier. I assumed if would. If anything it seems to be getting harder. Dad has dementia and I got power of attorney for him this week. Which I guess makes me the last remaining adult in my family. That's a toughie. Right now I desperately want a grown up to tell me it'll be OK. And right now, that has to be me. I don't want to adult. I want to delegate it to someone. Where I am feels really lonely.

Anyone else feel the same?

I have been here since my mum died in October 2011 !
But I found out then his important it is to have someone / anyone to chat too when you have just had your heart broken.
I like you still sometimes get very upset thinking back to the day of her death, in fact I was only talking with my brother about it today ( Saturday ). I know I will never really recover from it and I will never be the same person that I was before mum died. Maybe you feel like that too, we are still children , although adult, but children nevertheless and we want our mums back.
As an adult I will tell you, that yes it will be ok ! You will cope with whatever life throws at you to do. It may be hard or you may find it all ok, and manageable. But you will get through it, I promise you that. 💐

mummylin you are so good keeping us all in tow it's so good to have this thread to spill our thoughts.
I've not been on here for a while but I read all the threads. It's heartbreaking that we are all going through this.
My dad has been gone almost 9 months now. I miss him so much, strangely more so in the sunny weather as he'd be out in his garden now, every day,making it all look lovely.
mum is trying so hard to look after the garden bless her but we are all still struggling.
Love and strength to you all

It's my Dad's funeral tomorrow. Really hoping I'll be strong enough to read the eulogy with my sister. Going to be emotional but it's the last thing I can do for my Dad so am determined.

I hope it will all go well from r you tomorrow's Bex you can only do your best and I'm sure between you and your sister you can do this one last thing. Dont worry if you have a few tears, people will quite understand. Fingers crossed for you. 🤞

bex best of luck for tomorrow. I really wanted to read a poem at my dad's funeral but I just couldn't do it luckily lots of people were able to speak.
I hope it all goes well. sending you strength

Thank you

Sadly signing in as my lovely dad died on Sunday morning. About this time last year he’d been on holiday and was breathless and got home and went to the docs about something unrelated and the doc heard him cough and referred him for a chest x-ray. The x-ray showed plaques which indicated asbestos exposure and he was eventually diagnosed with mesothelioma in late August. Of the three types of mesothelioma, dad had the most aggressive and minimal treatment options. He was told that it would be reasonable to see Christmas but that anything after that would be a bonus. So he did well I guess to make it until the of May. He was in a lot of pain a lot of the time so I’m trying to take some comfort in the fact that he’s no longer suffering.

My lovely stepmum is heartbroken. My brother and I both live abroad and my stepmum doesn’t have children of her own. She’s so sad that she’ll have no ones hand to hold it no one to say goodnight to, or chat about her day. She’s so kind, it’s feels so unfair that she’s now on her own.

I’ve got a thread going in life limiting illnesses but thought I’d join here too.

Currently still can’t believe that he’s just gone.

Thoughts are with you bonapp

So sorry for your loss it was 4 weeks ago today that I lost my stepdad and a week tomorrow from his funeral. Can you take leave and fly back to help? Or at least Skype etc?

Bonapp so sorry you've had to join us⚘

Bonapp so sorry to hear your sad news. You will get plenty of support here anytime you want. Asbestos has ruined so many lives, it's shocking. I'm glad your dad is now at peace. 💐

Thank you for the welcome, I’ll read back and get to know you all soon when I’ve got a bit of headspace.

I’ve spent every other weekend and most of the school holidays back in the UK and was just starting to feel the strain of it all when dad really deteriorated. I’ve missed DH and the DC (6 and 3) and as I work FT in a senior job, I am out of the house enough so I feel I now just need to be home again.

The funeral won’t be for a few weeks and my stepmum knows she just has to get used to things on her own and she encouraged me to leave when I did (flight was booked a long time ago). I know I can’t take on the responsibility of making sure she’s ok, but I do really feel for her. My dad was her whole life, especially this last year when she was so devoted to looking after him. She’s got serveral good friends close by but her best friends live a couple of hours away, as do her family. She said she thought about moving but that it wouldn’t be any time soon. My brother and his wife will be around for a few months but they are desperate to get back on with their own lives as they dropped everything last Sept to get home to be with dad bless them.

I just feel guilty that we get to go back to our lives and my stepmum has to somehow create a whole new one, alone.

It is always sad I think when one of a couple dies. It's
Like losing half of yourself isn't it. But unfortunately everyone has their own lives to live and families to look after. It will be strange for her, but hopefully with some support she will eventually settle down and get into a new way of living on her own. As long as she knows that you or someone else are just a phone call away, she will be fine, don't worry. She just needs time to adapt a bit. 💐

Also joining you all on this thread after my mum passed away last Friday. It feels like ages ago already. I had a thread about her condition here

I mostly feel OK, with odd bouts of sobbing when something reminds me of her. If people are kind to me or say nice things about my mum, I get a bit upset. But I've been out in the garden today, and I'm making plans for the summer.

But I feel like I should be feeling more, if that makes sense. I should be more upset. But I cried and cried over Christmas, when we were told they could do no more for her, and it was palliative care only. I cried when she came home and we were told she had just a couple of weeks left. And then she kept on going! So we had an uneasy limbo, waiting for signs of deterioration, which didn't come for several months. I spent several days sitting with her while she deteriorated, and was with her when she died. There was nothing unexpected, so no shock relating to her death. It was all very peaceful and a surprisingly lovely experience.

I guess I'm asking if how I'm feeling is normal, whether I should expect to feel like I've been hit by a bus after the funeral, or whether I'll carry on feeling mostly OK interspersed with crying at memories.