Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

me neither ineed! my garden will suffer this year!

Was just caught out by the bank (on the phone re my credit card) asking me for my mother's maiden name for security. I went silent for so long she must've thought I couldn't remember it!
I guess there will be lots of things like that that give sudden flashes.

Hello I have never posted on here before, lost my Mum and Dad within 6 months of each other and my younger brother the year before that. Just had my Mums inquest and it’s made me feel like she has died all over again. It was horrendous. I was trying to make a life of sorts without my family and now I feel I am back to the beginning. Hiding away in my bedroom, my confidence has left me and I feel so anxious all the time. I feel worn out with the grief and loss and wondered if I am ever going to be able to live again. I have a dh and dcs and I keep going for them but some days I do wonder how long I can carry on. Sorry for moaning x

Oh Oranges what a terrible time you must of been through. I am sorry that the inquest has set you back again, but you will eventually pick back up and you will continue to live your life with your dh and children. It does take a while and for you it must of been utter turmoil. Just get through each day the best that you can, eventually you will have peace of mind. 💐

Oranges that sounds like such a heavy load to bear. There must be some counselling you could access to help cope with it all.

Thanks for your kindness. I have had counselling. I did pay for some privately which was really good but too expensive to keep going to. I feel like I am seeing the world through a fog x

Oranges do you also work? As I think being signed off for a week or so might give you some breathing space.

Thanks Iggiattheend no I am not working. I did go back to work after my brother died, straight after, too soon on reflection. It was the only way I could manage the shock and pain but I had a stressful job and a few weeks later I was diagnosed with a very unpleasant disease which required around a two year career break. I am in ‘remission’ now. I miss my career and sometimes I think I have too much time on my hands but I volunteer and look forward. My consultant has been great but very clear that if it comes back there are no further treatments available. But I don’t think about it but wonder sometimes in some subconscious level if I do? But with everything else that has happened I wouldn’t have been able to do the job I did anyway, I needed a really good memory and that has gone.

This is so hard and feels like I'm getting worse not better. When do you start recovering?

I feel like I've lost interest in everything. Not in a depressed way. But I don't want to go and socialize because I feel too sad still. I don't want to be around happy people as I'm jealous their lives haven't changed. And I don't care about my work now as it doesn't seem important somehow. Children's school work/ events? I do minimum, but I have lost the interest I used to have.

All that seems to matter are the aftermath of my father's death. And that is so hard, it's like it's drained me from anything else.

I am trying to do something my dm would have approved of each day. Today it’s reading a new book with a ! What you describe Viennese is depression but in the case of a recent loss I don’t think it’s the type that needs medicated (though that could help if it’s long term). I have retreated into myself a bit as I couldn’t take the “get back into your routine, back to normal” expectation. As I have now lost both parents I do know it is survivable. Don’t feel guilty if you have any happy times. The bad times will hit you when they want, if you get a good day just take it it makes you a bit stronger.

Have people read A grief observed by CS Lewis. Just started it and it’s really striking a cord.
‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says, or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread moments when the house is empty. If only the would talk to one another and not to me. And no one ever told me the laziness of grief, I loath the slightest effort. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth. Only as a dog tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night, he’d rather lie there shivering that get up and get one. It’s easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally dirty and disgusting.

I know these feelings x

Do you recommend it? Half of me wants to read it. Grief is where I am and a book in the same would be good. But I am also worried it might be too upsetting right now.

Hello Viennese have had a lot going on so haven't been here quite as often as usual. But I just wanted to say, I am now 6 and a half years now from losing my mum, and I still feel similar to you. Things I used to enjoy are not so enjoyable, where I used to laugh readily at things, they no longer amuse me , all sorts of things like that. Sadly our lives will never be the same, we can just accept that and make the best of things. There will still be things that will make us happy and life is still a pleasure to have 💐
jools if you around , dh has had his op thIs week and all is well. I am also recovered so things a lot better after a few weeks of worry .
Hope everyone is coping and will enjoy this lovely weekend of sunshine ! 💐

Oh oranges now dreadful for you.I agree My guide somehow it seems harder now as my Dad loved the garden so much and took great pride in it.Mum got herself a gardener as everyone is so busy.It is so sad my heart breaks for her.The loneliness must be dreadful for both our Mums.Love to all on here.xx

mummylin I'm so.pleased all is well with you and DH. That must be a weight off your mind⚘
whatis I popped to mums and caught her sitting on 'dads' bench just gazing at the garden. I don't think she can cope with it.

we should be visiting the garden centres now and getting new bedding plants, but neither me or mum have the inclination. I will take her and buy some. it's gonna be hard tho.
It was this time last year dad started to go downhill, I don't know where the time has gone.
I try so hard to be 'normal' but I miss him so much, it hurts 😦

Oh bless you.Same here Dad had cancer for a few years last April he took a turn for the worse.The August is going to be dreadful as that is when Dad was hospitalized for prevention of spinal cord compression.His legs were so swollen he could barely walk.Seeing a strong man so lost and depressed was heart breaking.I have no idea where almost nine months has gone either. X

Three weeks now and I seem to feel more despondent instead of less. Ds gave me a drawing his morning of me with my mum. I asked him if he was sad and he said no, he was sad but it was a long time ago now. Different perspective when you are little! for everyone hope you have people with you for the bank holiday.

Viennese I don’t know I would recommend the book. But the passage fits where I am. It’s his out pouring of his grief so not sure how helpful it is. I did read something about at times in life we put ourselves into glass boxes. We see the world going on but we are detached from it and in a way it’s a protective mechanism. We retreat. That reminds me of you Vinnese and me. When we hurt some of us hide away, some of us post it all over fb. We all react differently don’t we. Everyone is out doing stuff and I am alone today. We found out yesterday my FIL is terminally ill. He has a year at a very positive prediction. My heart aches for my DH. He doesn’t really know what he has to come he’s never lost anyone very close to him. I feel like the angel of death there is so much of it around me.

Hello, this seems like a good place for me to post as my mum died last night. She was elderly and had been ill with cancer for a while. Yesterday was traumatic (apart from the obvious) because she was in distress much of the day, was then given extra morphine and benzos and became unrecognisable somehow. We weren't expecting the end to come when it did...I was sure there'd be another night and day at least. I spent most of the day there (along with my siblings), caring for her and watching her sleep later on. I decided to get a cab home and come back early the next morning...before I was even home I got a phone call to say she had gone.
One of my siblings was with her.
I feel like the trauma of the day is stopping me from feeling and accepting what's happened.
I haven't cried yet although I cried plenty over the last few weeks.

Hello Most very sorry that you are now having to go through this very sad time. I expect that you are in shock, despite knowing how ill your dear mum was. Somehow we never think it's really going to happen. I am glad to see that you have siblings, I found mine a huge help when we lost our mum. I think in the first few days it's a feeling of complete disbelief, even though you know it's true. You are thinking of all the "what ifs " and then it's " this time yesterday or this time last week " it's a really upsetting and traumatic time for you and your family. Take care 💐
onthedge I think in the early days we tend to get upset as the time goes on because it makes it longer since we saw the person we have lost. But in general the first year is always going to be the most upsetting as all the special days come around, birthdays, Christmas etc. Eventually things begin to settle down a bit and we get used to having a different life. But that is not to say that any Of us will forget or stop loving or missing a very important part of our family. One day at a time ! 💐

So sorry Most totally agree with Mummylin. I was in shock for weeks as it was so sudden when my Mum died, it took me weeks to cry. It’s great you have support, my siblings are dead so I did everything but I know from friends ‘spreading the load’ in terms of practical stuff can make all the difference. It so soon after your awful loss, to bring out that cliche it’s going to take time for all your emotions to start to come through. Again, I am sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for your kind words and I'm very sorry for your losses too.
I agree about being in shock, I thought it was going to happen in a certain way and I would know when it was going to happen (not sure why I thought that). And I'm not ready for the loss. I'm really not.
I feel for anyone who has to go through all this on their own...I know I'm very lucky I'm not having to take on more of the burden.

I am NC with my DB so had to look after DM by myself when my DF died. Luckily DH has been a great support.

Unfortunately DH's gran is very poorly and it is likely she only has a few days to live. I feel really awful as it is reminding me of my DF's last days and I feel guilty that I am not being as supportive for him or my MIL

Hello ineed are you still grieving yourself ? If so I think it would be very difficult for you to give total support to your dh at this time.
And I'm sure your dh would realise that his grans illness and imminent death would bring up bad memories for you.
And it is quite a different situation for you, as it's his gran. That is not to say it isn't terribly sad, of course it is.
I am sure that you are being supportive as much as possible. It will help just being there to give dh a hug when he is feeling sad 💐

Mummylin it is 7 months since DF died, and I am still struggling to cope.

DH has been very understanding that his Nan's illness is triggering for me. I cried on the phone when talking to my MIL (it is her mum that is dying) the other day and I feel really bad about that as makes it seem I am making it about me. I know I won't be able to face the funeral, although as it will be over 5 hours away I can use childcare/dogcare as an excuse.
I hope my MIL will understand and she will be more than welcome to come and stay with us if she wants to.