Can I join you all?!?... Having one of those nights where you go to bed, your mind starts racing ten to the dozen and then you start crying because you miss your Mum so much.
I lost my amazing Mum last August, very suddenly and traumatically within eight weeks of diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. Two days before her death her and my Dad moved in with us so we could support and help with her care as she physically couldn't live in their house. No one knew she was going to die so suddenly as we were told 12-18 months but two days later she died.
I keep going over and over in my head the day she died. I had taken the kids uniform shopping as we had literally relocated to a new area a month before with my husbands job and needed uniform for their new school. My dad rang me to say she was suddenly unwell, I rushed home and he was on the phone to an ambulance. I swear she was breathing, barely when I got there... I put her in the recovery position and told her how much I loved her but in the minutes between that happening and the paramedics arriving I believe she died. They managed to get her heart going but she wasn't breathing and she officially died in A&E an hour later. Every single day I question the events of that afternoon, I see them trying to help her and ask myself why didn't I give her CPR.... What could I have done to help save her?
My mum was my best friend, we spoke multiple times a day, holidayed alone together and generally saw each other as much as possible. Now I just feel so empty and lost without her.
My poor Dad is a mess, he's in a terrible state of depression. Doesn't sleep well and was very much the generation of the wife doing everything bar finances. He had only recently retired so feels guilty for having worked so long but they had a lovely life together and really did love each other. My Mum was worried Dad would be like this and asked me before she died to look after him. I'm trying my best but I feel so useless and still selfishly tied up in my own grief. We've moved him into a bungalow a couple of miles away and see him a few times a week but it's hard for him as he knows no one where we live and is so lonely and low.
Due to timing of us literally just moving to a new area, Mum becoming ill and then subsequently dying, I've not worked in 8 months and really starting to feel lost without a sense of purpose as my children are teenagers so much more independent. It's tricky as I feel so much pressure on my shoulders to be there for the boys, my husband and my dad and that I am constantly juggling everything let alone the prospect of work which I really need to do to ease the financial burden on my ever so supportive husband. I have hardly any friends here as meeting people when you have older children is hard and I've been a bit of a recluse hiding away from life. I just feel like life is one big car crash.
I guess it's all suddenly come to a head today as I saw my dad and he's not in a good place emotionally. He's a very stoic man so showing or talking about emotions is massive for him and very out of his comfort zone, especially with his daughter. My only sibling lives abroad and has checked out quite a lot with their own busy life and we aren't very close either so I don't even have anyone in the same situation as me.
Everyone thinks that I'm doing really well, that life has moved on and almost that I shouldn't keep harping on about my beloved mum who I miss so much. I feel numb a lot of the time and often very angry at life that she was taken so unfairly and too soon from us. I can't stop thinking about her and know that I massively need to pull myself together but have no idea how that will happen!
Sorry for this being so massive, this is the first time I've actually brain dumped how I feel. x