Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

My DM got me a photo frame for Xmas. Have been sorting through photos today to choose which one to use. Haven't felt able to do it before now.

Bonapp I lurked on this thread when my DF was in his final weeks. Please don't feel that you can't join us although I am sorry that your DF is so poorly

We had my mum's funeral on Friday and I'm just back after a very, very long and stressful train journey. Just feeling totally wrung out. I have no idea how I'm going to manage a full week at work, but they've already been more than generous with time off, so I guess I'll have to cope. The irony is that my mother was a "coper" par excellence and it's so bittersweet to think that when it came to the end she just totally gave up coping and refused to fight to stay with us. It's very sad.

@BonApp you are very welcome to post on here, every bit of support helps x

Hotpink many congratulations on the birth of your daughter.Sorry to see.new people joining us here.Working ridulously long days has got me through the darkness of winter and the first Xmas without Dad.I now take out my memory box and I don't cry.I feel very positive for 2018 with work and a holiday to look forward to.I probably felt worse watching. Both parents battle cancer the last decade.All my bulbs Dad gave me from his garden are coming up.I hope the spring will bring us all comfort.xxx

Hi.
I lost my DM last Tuesday. She was 82 but it was quite sudden really. I'm the youngest of 3 and although I'm not really a publicly emotional person I have moments when I just sob.

I know that it will get better but I just can't believe I won't ever talk to her again. I have 3 DC and my eldest was quite close to my DM but she seems to be blocking it out really, she's had a little cry but nothing like I expected. I'm thinking it gonna hit her tonight when I give her the rings she requested from Mum or possibly at the funeral. I'm more concerned about her (15) that I am about my other two (14 & 9). DM passed on DD (9) Birthday too

Hi Becky so sorry for the loss of your mum. I think the first few days it's hard to digest what has just happened, it feels unreal. I know I felt devastated and always thought my mum would be here forever.
It took me a long time to accept and I'm not sure I do 100% yet.
I am glad you have some siblings to help you through this, I could not of coped without mine.
I am sure your children will miss her greatly, but when it finally sinks in that they won't see her again, it will hit home. Some of the young teens seem to cope better than adults sometimes.
A good cry doesn't hurt anyone, indeed it can even be helpful as it gives a little relief from the stress.
I hope you can all give each other the support you will all need, just get through each day for now , that Is enough. 💐

Hi Becky - so sorry to hear about your mum. It's such a lot to take in and I'm finding that the strangest things make me sob. In the days after my mum died, I "coped" fine with a lot of things, but sobbed like a baby about other apparently minor things, like seeing her glasses or hearing a song that she used to listen to.

My eldest is also 15 and is being very quiet and stoic. I worry that she's suddenly going to have a total meltdown, probably at a critical time (she's doing her GCSEs). DD2 is 12 - she has cried more and was really worried about coming to the funeral, but said afterwards that it was a lot better than she expected. Overall, I guess there is no "right" way to feel and we all just need to be kind to ourselves and accept that life is going to be all over the place for a while.

Thank you for your lovely words. It's really difficult to lose a parent as they really are the only person that's been in our life for it's entirety so for me it's like I'm missing something. It's really hard but I know we'll get through it in time and we'll have our memories.

Sending you all love and warm wishes

Beckydawn I'm so sorry for your loss.I was the same as you when Dad died.Not the overly emotional type but it was the thought of never seeing him again that hit me.I take comfort from the fact he was 76 when he died and had had a full life until the last two years.Look after yourself.

So sorry for your loss Becky.
The funeral has been decided Can't explain why but I don't feel like I'm engaging with it at all. There's no wake, no arrangements to scatter the ashes which my brother said he would do, it all feels like we're selling him short really.
Parents are fairly well off but too many of us for one car so expecting to be told that my DH will have to drive himself there but SIL can go in the main car. In which case we will meet them at the crematorium and drive home afterwards.
Sorry for the rant.

So sorry @BeckyDawn

Thank you all for the support, I do love MN!!!

Oh Maggienolia I don't blame you for ranting - that does sound hard.

I must admit, I found organising the wake the most overwhelming part of sorting mum's funeral, but eventually we found a pub who sorted out a nice, straightforward buffet in their conservatory and it was definitely helpful to be able to get together with people and not just head home.

Can you speak up and say that you are feeling short changed, or will it cause more problems than it's worth? Could you book a table somewhere that would at least allow those that wish to get together for a meal or something? Some of our relatives had to rush off quickly, but they told me they'd drunk a toast to mum over dinner that evening, which made me well up - in a good way.

Korma we also went to a pub for the wake. They really did us proud. They provided constant hot water so everyone could make as many drinks as they wanted, a fab buffet which include dishes of hot roast potatoes ( it was a local carvery ) . It was somewhere where we used to go regularly with mum , so it was kind of apt.
Could you arrange something like that Maggie ? It dosent cost a fortune and it's really nice to be able to chat to others after the actual funeral.

So sorry Becky and Maggie

I think of my Mum all the time and still feel like I could catch her up on all the news. I'm having trouble getting my head around the 'forever' part and the fact I won't see her again.

Sorry - painful anniversary this week.

Hi
It’s with the heaviest of hearts that I’m asking if I can join you all in this thread. My lovely dad passed away yesterday. I just feel utterly bereft. I’m not sure if I can get through it. I can’t even go 10 minutes without crying. Everywhere I look there’s a memory.

He had lung cancer for the last three years but had treatment and was doing well. However, he contracted pneumonia and was taken to hospital on Friday. They said he was on the mend, he was supposed to get out at the end of the week and then in the early hours of Monday morning something happened and he wasn’t ok anymore. He couldn’t speak or really move but we think he knew we were here as he was responding when my mum asked him to squeeze her hand. What is killing me is whether he was scared or in pain and couldn’t tell us. I think about it every minute and I don’t know how to stop.

Eventually they gave him morphine and he was peaceful and we just held his hand and chatted til the end which thankfully (for him) was not too long.

I do t know what to do. How do I get over it? How do I stop crying?

Oh Clara I can feel you unhappiness in your post. I wish there was an easy way for us all to cope with such a loss. But sadly there isn't. One thing we can offer here is our support. It really does help to talk.
Not only are you grieving for your dad, you have had a terrible shock as well, as you thought he was doing ok.
The first terrible days you think you can't cope, but strangely we do. There is no shame in crying, and it can help in a strange kind of way.
Do you have other family around you ? This is where your friends can help you. It helps just to have someone to listen to you, or give you a shoulder to sob on.

At the moment you cannot see how you will cope with all this, but for now just take each day As it comes.
Do look after yourself, eat little and often if you don't feel like a proper meal. I am so sorry that you are here too. 💐

So sorry Clara. What a huge shock for him to go downhill so quickly when you thought he was on the mend. At the moment, you don't need to "do" anything. Just get through today as best you can and accept that you are in a state of shock and anything goes. Don't be afraid to talk about your dad - remember the good times, even if it makes you sob.

Don't worry about tomorrow. Lean on anyone that you are able to lean on, including your virtual friends here.

@Clarabell100 so sorry x I don't think you ever do get over it, but sometimes you have days where it gets easier. I lost my Dad in August, he meant the world to me. He passed away 11 weeks after my Mum. I still cry and little things make me stop and feel sad. X

I agree with you pink. It is something we never get over, but we have to try and live with it and accept what has happened. It's tough, and it's 6 yrs for me now, sometimes it still feels like last week. Life can never be the same, I am not the same person now, things that would of amused me before, just don't and things like that. I still enjoy various things, but it's just not as it was.

Hello all and thank you for the offer of support when the time comes.

Sorry to read of recent loss and sadness.

One wise lady I used to work with told me that my dads illness will shape the person I’m yet to become. The sadness is just so heavy but I think she’s right. It’s only right somehow that such heartsche can have a profound effect, otherwise it would all be for nothing I guess. Dunno.

Love to you all.

Hi Clarabell. I'm 6 months down the line from you. My dad died and it was a horrible end, which you don't want to see anyone go through, let alone someone you love. The pain, the horror, the what if's, it all went round and round my head on loop for... I can't remember how long exactly. I remember posting on here about it though. All I can say is, I think that is part of how your mind processes and comes to terms with it, even though it might not feel like it at the time. At some point the gaps between thoughts gets larger, and while it still hurts, it's a hurt that becomes familiar and recognisable rather than the searing agony when it is fresh and raw. I don't know if that is any comfort, or at all believable that you learn to live with it - I expect that feels unimaginable right now - but it does become something you can live with and acknowledge without it tearing you apart.

Thank you so much everyone. And playdohnut your post is certainly a comfort. I think I just need to know that one day I won’t think about the sad party’s every five minutes. I want to focus on my lovely memories but as you say, it the moment it’s just pain. Like I’ve been stabbed.

I have lots of lovely family. My mum and brother are both devastated too. I guess that is another thing breaking my heart, I’ve never seen my mum like this before, she’s always so strong. My husband is being fantastic and has been off work all this week and has looked after me and our 1 year old daughter who was my dad’s pride and joy. I can barely look at her without breaking down just thinking about all the milestones my dad will miss.

Hi all,
Hope you don't mind me joining in on here now. My mum died suddenly and totally unexpectedly over 18 months ago now but having a bit of grief resurgence mainly due to being very nearly 40wks pregnant. I think the reality of having this baby without the support of mum is only hitting me now. I have two DD (6 and 4) and have always felt grateful that they had a relationship with mum. Feeling sad that mum will never meet this child and I'm finding it hard to imagine post birth without her.
I also feel unreasonably jealous that my DH has both parents- they live a few hours drive away, as does my dad, and at the moment I feel like I don't want anyone to visit (and stay) post birth if mum can't be there. Sounds very unreasonable written down, and unfair on DH and his parents and I'm hoping I feel better about after baby arrives. My dad seems to be the only person who understands why I feel like this at the mo.
Didn't mean this post to be so long, and not sure really why I'm posting - just wanted to get it off my chest!
Sorry to read all your stories here. Losing mum has been the worst thing I've ever had to deal with- it's so hard and not a day goes by when I don't think of her xx

Rozzles So sorry you are going through all of this while you are pregnant.

It helps me to think that my Mum lives on through my children. I see a lot of her traits in them.