Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

It’s one year today for me too and I just want to say that this thread has been a great support to me during such a difficult time. My mother was my best friend and after years of caring for her I am a bit “lost” to put it mildly. I can’t believe a year has gone - I can barely remember any of it and that is upsetting me today too. Grief is so painful but I know it can’t last forever. Reading this thread has helped me feel less alone and I’m so relieved to have found it.

Hedd and Ina I'm sure today will be a bittersweet day for you both, I will be in your position next Monday for my mum ( and Thursday as its my sisters anniversary )
Somehow you can't help but cast your mind back to "this time last year " which I think is perfectly normal, but very upsetting.
I don't know about others but I start to get very edgy a couple of days before the actual anniversary. (s) .
But one thing that we have is our memories of far happier times and we have to cling on to them, it helps us to keep going.
Life does pick up, they say the first year is the worst because of all the firsts. Personally I think every anniversary is sad !
I'm hoping you will both have lots of happy times to think about today, of course the sadness too. Hope you both get some hugs throughout the day.
💐💐💐

Thanks Ina and Mummy. I lived with my mum for several years as her full-time carer. She was in and out of hospital numerous times for many problems. I still sometimes think that she's just back in hospital and will be home soon.

When my sister died she was only 26 . I used to console myself by thinking she had moved to Australia ! So your not alone in your thoughts.

Mummylin I hope you are managing to take care of yourself and smile a little in the run up to the anniversaries. X

Mummylin I like that way of thinking.

My Mum liked to travel so I often imagine that she is still exploring a far off country.

Wishing people on this thread the best in difficult times.

It dosent matter how we cope, just as long as we do ! I have lots of fun things to think about, but at certain times it just dosent stop the heartache does it. For me it’s not just the actual anniversaries, it’s also the few days before , remembering what we did and how we had no idea what was about to happen, so this week I start getting edgy. But I will be ok. I can’t change anything so have to face it head on. Both my deaths were very sudden and so it wasn’t just the loss it was the shock as well. When my mum died I had a real physical pain in my heart and for some reason , my legs didn’t seem to work properly for a few days.
For you all 💐

Mummylin like you my loss was sudden, there was no warning and my lovely Dad was in peak physical health. Not overweight, not a smoker and hated over indulging in any unhealthy food. He was part of my every day life without fail and now he's just gone. I can't drink because I take it too far, I have to stay strong and take care of my son and my home and my dads dogs but how the fuck do I fill this gaping hole in my life where he was? Everywhere and everyday the reminders haunt me with what I miss. It's only been just under 6 weeks but it might aswell be 6 minutes. How fucking dare everyone else move on? I had a man breaking his heart to me about losing my Dad and now he ignores me ... wtf? I'm sorry for the rant but I'm lost.
for everyone, because there are no words to fix this pain.

I don't think it is possible to fill the hole our parents have left behind.

I suppose we just have to find ways to cope as best we can. Your Dad would want you to have an amazing life. At least that is what I keep telling myself about my Mum. She wanted me to be happy. She said 'you must live your life'.

Hi Tribble I am sorry that you are feeling your dad’s loss so deeply. Sadly there is no instant fix. It is one of the loneliest times for you at this moment. It is all so new to you and it takes a while just to even accept that someone has gone. Then you have the terrible feelings of grief, which I’m sure at the moment won’t subside. But they will , I promise.
You now have to learn to live with it, which isn’t easy at the start. Eventually you start to have days where you can get through without crying. Then you have more days not crying than you do being in floods of tears. It is a gradual process which takes time.
It is a heartbreaking time for you at the moment and I expect you may feel a bit lost.
You also have the shock to deal with, which can be devastating.
It’s not going to hurt you to have a good cry, it’s perfectly normal.
I too didn’t understand how everyone around just carried on as usual when my mum had died, somehow I thought they should all know.
If you find yourself getting dragged down, do go and see your doctor or arrange to see a grief counsellor.
But for now, just get through one day at a time, look after yourself and your ds. It will get better.💐💐💐💐

Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me mummylin God knows I need it.

Tribble Do post if you need listening ears and some holding hands. Don’t plod on alone. 💐

You're very kind Mummylin I find reading this thread so helpful although weirdly it hurts me more that other people have lost mums and dads. Somehow the solidarity of not being alone brings me a feeling of support or at least not loneliness? I bought Dad a white rose that's been dipped in orange wax today from the florist, Halloween roses apparently! I've got what looks like a bloody shrine to him in the sitting room. A framed photo with his Christmas presents around it, his favourite scented candles and even a can of beer and every time I pass that photo I put my hand on it and tell him I love him. I must pass it a dozen times a day. Some days really are less tearful than others aren't they? Although when it's a proper screamer of a day it certainly doesn't feel like it.

tribble I know what you mean. I think people think I should be 'getting over' it by now. It's 7 weeks ffs and like u say it feels like 7 minutes some days!
I also have days where I just sob and other days I am 'normal' I've got dad's photo with a candle that I light and i still txt him like I used to every day.
We need to just do what helps us get by I think ⚘

Troubled/MyGuide I think you are absolutely right, you need to do whatever it is that helps you get through each day. I've also got a photo of my Mum and always have fresh flowers next to it. I also went to our favourite beach and collected some pebbles and shells and have those by her photo. I did the same sort of thing when I lost my Dad and I also have photos of them together. Hell, I even talk to them!!

I'm now a year down the line and 10 years since losing my Dad. It does get 'easier' but there are still days with plenty of tears.

We are burying my Mum's ashes tomorrow. She died a year ago but I've waited for my brother to come back (he lives in USA) so he could also be there. He was happy for us to go ahead with it without him but I think it's important that he has 'closure' too, or at least, as much closure as it might bring.

I've also got a photo of Mum with a candle and a yellow rose. For winter I have a beautiful yellow glass rose. I play messages of her talking on the answerphone that I saved.

Me too !!! I also have a photo of my mum up, and always have fresh flowers by her photo. I can’t light candles as dh hates anything that has any sort of smell. But the photo I have is one where it looks like her eyes are looking at me wherever I sit in the room !
But I don’t mind as it means she is watching over me!

Jools I'm angry that people aren't being as supportive to you as they could be, 7 weeks is no time at all! Perhaps they've never had such a profound loss? I love that you still text your Dad, I would do that but I use his old phone! He absolutely loved his gadgets and it makes me smile.
headbacc you're incredibly kind to wait for your brother, as you say he may need the closure and I hope you have some quality time with him whilst he is here. My dads ashes are in my home, he belongs to me and even my mum knows she has no say in what happens to them. I'm glad I have total unquestioned authority, I was like his parent in life - always nagging and telling him off!
LittleHo, have you saved the messages to a USB stick for safe keeping? :) the rose sounds lovely.
Were all of you very close to your departed parents? My dad was my neighbour (literally 2 doors up) and was a huge part of my daily life. We used to chat at 3am when insomnia kept us awake. Now I've lost my late night buddy but he deserves his peace, he was always saw that he suffered from nightmares.
I hope today is kinder to all of you

I have my mums phone, in a cupboard in her handbag along with her purse which has money in it. I cannot take that money out, which is ridiculous I know. But on the first New Year’s Eve without her, I sent her a text to her phone. Obviously the battery life has long gone, but I often wonder if there are any messages she sent me on there. And I still have her number on my phone, which I will never take off.

I think for people who have not yet lost a parent, they can’t really relate to someone who has lost theirs. I don’t think they mean to be thoughtless, but constantly they say things without thinking. And if anyone thinks that in just a few weeks you will suddenly be back to normal, they have a massive shock coming one day. It is one of the most devastating things to happen. Losing a child or a parent is just a terrible time to get through. And if you have been very close to your parents it is hard to know you can’t see them that day, or phone or anything at all. So we all have to adapt and make ourselves a new “ normal” life, which of course is so different without our loved ones. It’s all heartbreaking. 💐

Yes I have saved the message to a USB and my computer downloads.

Here are my yellow roses. These things really help me so maybe something similar would help others too.

What a lovely rose. When my mum died one of my brothers bought me a David Austin rose and it had my mums name. But of course that is out in the garden. Where did you get your glass rose ?

Link below. I believe you can have them shipped although I expect you can find glass makers in the UK.

www.glassroses.us/estore/index.php?app=ecom&ns=catshow&ref=ROSESPAGE

I was very close to my dad. I saw him every day, he lived 5 minutes away. The last few weeks when he was ill I took him out for car rides even tho he was unable to get out of the car he liked the change of scenery.
When he was in hospital I washed his hair etc
Tbh I have never really given much thought when someone said 'my dad died'
Obviously I felt sorry for them and thought it was sad but never really thought about how the loss affected that person. I now know!
Your roses are beautiful littleho
We have decided to plant a rose in a garden pot with dad's ashes. I'm also thinking of getting a paperweight from the company 'ashes into glass' they incorporate a spoonful of ashes into the glass. They look really beautiful.