Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

💐💐💐💐 to everyone - I'm off on my little break to scatter dad's ashes for a few days, will check back in next weekemd.

One our cats die yesterday suddenly.its like flood gates have opened and all sadness and losses of past flowing through along the shock as he was only 6.it sounds weird say I cry less for my dad,but I think I was just so numb and now all the hurt and pain coming and it don't stop. Masses guilt fir all those I've lost,things I should've done it said and I'm just utterly overwhelmed it all

Oh how sad for you still I can well imagine that losing your cat has opened the floodgates for you. It's all the emotion that you were keeping inside, although it's very sad about your poor little cat, it is far better for you not to try and suppress your sadness. It can build up and make you quite unwell. And really grief is grief wether it is for a person or a much loved pet. Tears can be very healing, but do try not to dwell on things that have happened in the past. Guilt and regret can be very destructive. You can't change things, they are what they are, but you can eventually move forward and have a happy life 💐

Thanks for listening ,mummylin it bought back to watch my mum die.I was a very very immature 17 and she die heart attack in front if me when I was alone in the house.I would say I was around emotional development 11year old I was terrified and traumatised as I ran get a neighbour.my fily blame my mental health problems when they found cause of death as I was very hardwork.I was shout at if cried and told was my fault. I never cry for her again cept at her funeral,where I sat with s friend mum away from my family. Her name never mentioned again.I try let some of it out after I had my own family and missed,but it was just too painful and I shut it down and nie its back biting me very firmly on the bum.find cat with blue lips but warm it gave me same sense helplessness,not know what yo do I was transported right back to that day.waiting an hour fir an ambulance(during strikes in '89)then be told 2female paramedics couldn't lift her out of chair to do CPR(she was on steroids all my life for bad asthma and was quite a big lady,tho not by today's standards) neighbour fetch her sons to do it.I rang vet for cat and they said bring Jim in and we see what we vsn do and my hopes lifted as did when mum taken away gave a little cough even tho still unconscious n people telling me be she would be ok.and then I wait n wait no one telling me she as dead til my dad got home 5hour later....watch my child(who is 13next month)wrack pain sob her beloved pet and have all but drag her from vets after almost an hour sit stroking his little body tucking blanket vet had given tighter round him as his laws grew cold"and he hated be cold mum".she couldn't bear leaving him(he be cremated n having him back in little box with name on)knowing never see him again. I was drift between be her mum and be a scared kid myself.even typing thus I bordering hysterical.I need get head together before kids come home or won't be any help fir them...

Oh it's so good to come across this thread. I have just lost my dad to lung cancer, unfortunately I lost my mum to the same disease 17 years ago and brought all that back too. Watching my fit sociable dad deteriorate so he couldn't speak, hardly walk and struggle breathing was torturous. Mum was the same she was 56, far too young to die. Dad was 83 but was still awful to watch. I know I'm more snappy with people sometimes, small things annoy me I don't know why. I don't cry very often but when I do I can't stop 😔. I also had my own cancer scare recently which still worries me. My sister and I recently bagged up all my dads clothes for charity horrible job! We found all sorts of sentimental things though including photos of when we were young. That was nice but sad at the same time as I feel so isolated now bothmy parents have gone, even though I have my own children and sister. Is that normal ?

rizzo be "an orphan" does make you feel isolated. Like your safety nets been taken,even if you didn't run yo them ad an adult with your troubles it feels same. I'm sorry you lost both parents and its great come here and just let it out .*mummylin" offers great advice and comfort and others are supportive in their loss to.welcome to thread no one wants to join.xx

Hi Rizzo I am so sorry for your very sad loss. I think whatever the ages of parents it is a terrible loss to everyone. My mum was also 83 but right up unti the day before she died she had always been so fit and healthy. It was a terrible shock.
I can understand why it brought back all the sad memories of your mum. Having to pack up all the clothes is an awful thing to have to do and I just couldn't do. My Aunty did it for me ( mums sister) I have kept so much that I can't bear to throw out, even little scraps of paper that she wrote on. Anything that connects me still to her.
For you now, you not only have the grief of your dad to cope with, but it has thrown up the sadness of losing your mum, so you may well be grieving for her all over again.
Sadly there is no answer to this, we just have to go with these feelings until they start to recede a little.
And yes I think it's quite normal what you are feeling, I too felt the same despite having my own adult children, 3 gc and a dh plus my siblings. I was interested in nothing for a while, just immersed in my sorrow.
There is nothing wrong with your tears. Better to let it out than keep it all inside.
I think when people are feeling so sad that we do tend to be a bit snappy, others don't understand the sadness you are feeling, and we all try so hard to put on a front and others just presume we are ok. It's the feelings we have inside that tear us apart.
I remember hearing my dh singing along to a track of music that we had had at my mums funeral. I lost the plot and told him how selfish he was etc. He just didn't think. If you find yourself not coping you may like to see a bereavement counsellor. Although I didn't go down this route myself. But for some it helps a lot. Cruse is meant to be very good. I hope you have RL support,it can be invaluable. 💐

Ah thanks for your messages, you certainly know how it feels then. I packed dads stuff almost emotionless, I found it hard but I didn't cry. I felt it afterwards, I feel I want to visit my mums grave now too. She is a bit of a way but I feel I want to. I feel my dp doesn't understand but he has lost his dad to cancer too but he turned to drink and he has still got his mum and all his family around to him. I think I am being s but selfish ATM and I never usually am like this so he's probably seeing a different side to me. I feel sad tying this I really do. It's my my mums anniversary on the 16th. I have BT's started councelling not sure if it's helping but I do like getting it off my chest so maybe it does.

still watching your own dd,s grief has appeared to bring out your own. After all if something upsets our children, it upsets us too.
I remember 1989 very well as I lost my sister of Asthma at the age of 26.And yes this too was during the ambulance strikes in November.
Your mind has brought back all the trauma that you felt as an 17yr old child. No way was what happened your fault.
As adults even we can't deal with death, so how is a child of you and your dd,s age meant to.
That was cruel of anyone to even suggest it was your fault. Did you ever get any help when you were younger to deal with your mums loss ?That time of your life must of been so sad and difficult for you.
It seems that you didn't get the help and support that you neeeded at the time and now with the loss of your dad and your dd,s upset, your emotions have surfaced from then.
Do you think it would help you to speak to someone ? 💐

I always thinks it helps in some way to be able to speak to someone. Even a stranger sometimes. Take care Rizzo always someone here to vent with !

I didn't mummylin I had 3siblings(brother has also passed now) I was baby.older sisters married. I was expected take mums place care my dad n brother. Dad shouted at me as I did things mums way n he was upset be reminded if that.I had depression and anxiety and no outlet. I met my eldest ds dad thru CB radio and he seemed so kind I moved in with him.he turn out not to be kind and I end up back at dads pregnant and homeless. By which time my brother had his room and mine I slept sofa wait on everyone hand n foot and dad get every penny my benefits til I was found a council flat 3weeks before my due date.I spent Xmas day alone scared going into labour and wishing I had my mummy to take care of meI didn't have time after that think or do anything bout counselling.met current dp had 3dc and now it's all hitting home near 28years later. How can it be that long when I can remember it like was yesterday the emotions,noises,smells....where do I start for counselling/support.Tbh I can't afford pay for any

What do bereavement counsellors do? How do they help you? Last night I cried for hours the worst since mum died, today I feel so empty no appetite don't want to see or speak to anyone.

I feel so bloody lost and all these memories that previously hadn't affected me when she was in hospital really hit me hard now. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. When does this get better I can't deal with feeling like this for years to come.

Lazy, they help you talk about how u feel, getting all the emotion out, also help you remember the good times and coping strategies. I do feel drained when I come out but makes me think about things. It may help you, try a couple of sessions

still ring the cruse organisation that is local to you and say you would like to make an appointment, you may have to wait a while but the sooner you get on the list the quicker it will be for you. It def sounds like you have had a lot to cope with and can do with support from somewhere. You don't have to pay for this.
lazy as Rizzo said, it can help such a lot to be able to unburden yourself to a counsellor, you have nothing to lose, if you don't like it you don't have to continue, but it's probably worth a shot.

have a look here

Is it normal to not feel very sociable? There 2 things in the diary this weekend and I don't feel like doing either. You know I just feel like going away somewhere on my own.

Still, yeh you need to get rid of all that emotion, my dad dying has brought it all back about my mum. When I had my children it brought it back, when I got married it came back. It probably always will at certain events but that's why u need to get it out, and crying according to my councillor is the biggest healer

I think that when we are grieving it's difficult to act as though we are enjoying ourselves among others who are happy. All we want to do Is curl up at home with our emotions. This dosent last for ever, but it's understandable I think.

Rizzo I understand that. I find that I can only be sociable to a point-I'm happy to be around close friends, but I started a new job about 7 months after my dad died and I've really struggled to make conversation with people and haven't made any friends there (I'd been in my previous job for 5 years prior to mat leave and have stayed in touch with several people from there so I know I'm capable of doing it!). It's like there's a barrier up that I don't even realise is there.

I find I need some time to myself more than before. Sometimes I think about dad and have a cry, other times I just want to be on my own. At first I felt uncomfortable turning things down but I've realised that I need a balance and some time alone isn't always a bad thing.

Oh rainshowers that's exactly how I feel. TBH I was a bit like that when he was very ill too, but I had an excuse I wanted to be with him or I had to sort things out. I did manage Xmas though. He died on 29th Dec and we'd booked winter wonderland for New Year's Eve. I really didn't want to go but I did fit the kids sake it probably did me good rather than moping around. But I just feel no one really understands. Dp arranging this that and the other. Life just carries on for everyone but I don't really want to yet.

I had a long chat with my brother tonight, I was so upset because in my mums last few days she wasn't at all herself she wasn't lucid, she was at times paranoid and irritable. Her last words to me were to shut up. It was the nurse talking not me.

I am finding this so hard and I know it was her illness making her like this but I feel that death is so cruel, it leaves so many unanswered questions and I have begun to wonder if she loved me. I just wish that we all had a moment after they have passed to have a conversation to answer all questions to hear the I love yous.

I feel robbed of a loving goodbye, I did all I could to make sure mum knew how much I loved her. In the end I was told to shut up. I feel so lost at the moment, it's 6 weeks tomorrow and I feel like my world in the last 3 days has come crashing down around me. I can't smile, nothing amuses I can't sleep and I feel so hard done by!

Hello lazy you have said yourself that your mum wasn't herself and wasn't lucid. Here is your answer. In her confused state she just heard talking and you were obviously in her thoughts , so she thought it was you. I am sure she had no intention of hurting you, she just didn't know who she was talking to. If you have had a good relationship you can be sure that your mum loved you. Don't torture yourself with these thoughts.
It is a horrible time and it's hard to process all our thoughts when it is so recent. Our minds will go over and over things, why did / didn't I do this / that, so many questions.
How are you sleeping at night ?

Hi mummylin, I sleep about 2-3 hours I have awful dreams at the moment.

I'm fed up of people saying to me to be strong, I'm not on my knees weeping at people's feet. Im away from home at work putting one foot in front of the other, I'd say that I was coping. The people saying this haven't watched their loved one die in such a horrible way they haven't sat by their bedside for days and nights hearing them breathe the way my mum did.

I was strong when it counted, what exactly am I meant to be strong for now?! Might be a tad angry tonight,

I think that people really don't know what to say and unless they have gone through the pain of losing mum /dad they actually have no idea how bloody painful it all is. It's a whole culmination of things really, the loss, the if only, the way our brain goes into either overdrive or dosent seem to work at all. It's just an awful time and I know when I was at the beginning like you are now, I had no idea how I would ever feel any different in the future. It all looked so bleak.
But somehow eventually, things did start to get better, it helped enormously to talk to others on here who understood exactly how I felt.
It won't be just yet, but one day you will get to this point too. 💐

Aww lazy, it is awful watching a parent die like u have. I did it with both my parents both my parents died of lung cancer. Those final few days, weeks even were the worst ever seeing them suffer and distressed but somehow seeing them peaceful when they have died later on helped. My mums anniversary of her dying is tomorrow and seems so much worse this year even though it was 17 years ago because I've just lost my dad too. Neither of my parents said goodbye or anything similar they weren't really with it and tbh we didn't have any conversation about them dying before either as they were too scared so we just had to keep them positive. Dad knew he was dying but my mum didn't till maybe the very end. Have you thought about writing her letter and putting it by her grave or just keeping it somewhere, it's not for everyone but writing things down is very therapeutic, it's a way of saying goodbye but there are other ways too. Give yourself time and I hate it when people say be strong too, you have to grieve.
One thing that gives me some comfort an hour or so before my dad passed he kept waving at something in front of him, I know a lot of people would think he was hallucinating but for me I like to think it was his family coming to get him as they say no one dies alone. For me that gives me comfort. Is their anything that gives you any comfort lazy? X