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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

983 replies

Mummylin · 07/03/2017 15:15

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

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Mummylin · 18/06/2017 11:44

I hope that everyone missing their dad today are managing to cope. Remember all the happy times if you can. 💐

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Longtime · 18/06/2017 14:41

Thanks Mummylin, a tough day 😢 Thinking of those of you who have lost their dads xx

Mummylin · 22/06/2017 10:19

Just checking in to see how everyone has been coping in this hot weather. Glad that today has cooled down.
I hope that you are all managing to get on with your lives as best as you can, remember one day at a time.

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VeryButchyRestingFace · 22/06/2017 20:17

I've been on a mad tidying spree. I had to clear my mum's flat - that really is akin to death by 1,000 cuts - and although I donated most of her stuff, there was an absurd amount I couldn't bear to part with and had vanned over to my one bed flat.

Trying to sort through her stuff in the comfort of my own home somehow feels less emotionally charged than it did when I was at hers. Smile. I've been able to make more rational decisions about what stays and what goes still have two full suitcases of her clothes though.

Mummylin · 22/06/2017 20:40

I know the feeling very well Butchy I still have lots of containers filled with my mums stuff from 5 yrs ago. Things I just can't part with. I was lucky in that my aunty sorted mums clothes, that is something I just could not bear to do. But now you have the rest of the things at your place you can do it all as and when you feel like it. It's a horrible task isn't it.

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Hotpinkangel19 · 23/06/2017 17:49

My mum died 3 weeks ago, and I'm just so sad and angry. This sounds horrible but I get so cross seeing old ladies / older mum's and daughters. My mum should have been really old. It's unfair. Is it just me that feels angry????

VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/06/2017 18:17

This sounds horrible but I get so cross seeing old ladies / older mum's and daughters. My mum should have been really old. It's unfair. Is it just me that feels angry????

No, not just you. Flowers

I found my mum dead in her home two months ago. She spent a teetotalling, smoke-free lifetime munching on rabbit food and everywhere I go I seem to see nonagenerians either puffing away ten to the dozen or walking arm in arm with their 50-60 something offspring.

I guess it's a bit like women who can't have children feeling that all they see are women either pregnant or pushing prams. Smile

Hotpinkangel19 · 23/06/2017 19:30

@VeryButchyRestingFace Yes, I can imagine it is. I'm so sorry you found your mumFlowers that must have been awful. I'm really not a nasty person, I think I'm just really sad that her life was cut short, she should have been enjoying retirement with my dad. X

Mummylin · 23/06/2017 21:26

Hello hotpink I understand how you are feeling and it's probably because of your loss. I found it hurtful to see mums and daughters together soon after my mum died. But this feeling didn't last long, I didn't really resent them, I was just so hurt at the time.
I think it's quite a natural reaction at this sad time in your life. It's all very new for you and it's the time when your grief is the strongest. Eventually you will start to recover, but this takes time. I am so sorry for your very sad loss. 💐
Butchy that was a horrible shock for you, I can't imagine the horror of that.i hope you have good RL support to help you through. 💐

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VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/06/2017 22:05

Butchy that was a horrible shock for you, I can't imagine the horror of that.i hope you have good RL support to help you through. 💐

Next to no support, emotional or practical, sadly. The opposite, if anything. When I came home from finding the body, before foul play had been ruled out, I immediately started googling NT readings and hymns, because I anticipated what the lay of the land would be in terms of who would have to do everything.

On the bright side (I suppose you have to look for one) knowing that I managed to do everything myself, from calling everyone that night, funeral arrangements, registering death, dealing with estate, house clearance - it makes me feel kind of strong. I never would have thought I'd be capable. Smile

Mummylin · 23/06/2017 22:12

You have done extremely well by the sounds of it. I could not of coped and managed everything without my siblings !!! Are you a generally strong person ?

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AW22 · 24/06/2017 16:29

Hi all, I lost my mum unexpectedly to pneumonia on 1/4/15 and my aunt to a heart attack last year. I'm 36 and I just feel too young. I can't help but ask why me? I have 3 beautiful children and no-one to guide me. Most of all though I miss the coffee and chats. Female company. Talk about nothing. Nothing is the same now and my heart will never heal. Love to you all. I wish I could take the pain away for all of you xxx

Hotpinkangel19 · 24/06/2017 16:37

@AW22 I know how that feels x my mum died 5th June and I'm only 33.

Mummylin · 24/06/2017 17:43

Hello Aw22 I am sure you must be feeling very desolate at the moment. You had two very sad losses so no wonder you feel your world is all messed up at the moment. It seems you were still grieving your dear mum , when you then lost your aunt, so a double loss for you. But don't despair and think you will never be happy again. You will in time , you won't forget but you certainly will be happy again. Grief hits us all differently, for some they can cope very well quite quickly, for others ( like me ) it takes quite a while, but the upset eventually will ease and you will start to feel happier. The thing is , there is nothing anyone can do to speed up this grieving process, we just have to deal with it as best that we can. I know it's awful. Don't look to far ahead just take each day , then each week as it comes along. 💐

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AW22 · 25/06/2017 03:23

Mummylin thanks for your kind words. That's what I'm trying, because it's all I can do. One day at a time. To Hotpinkangel19 I am so sorry for your loss. We have to believe that the pain will become easier and be thankful for the time we had. Again, one day at a time. Xxx

Mummylin · 25/06/2017 13:21

You will get there Aw22 I was an absolute wreck for months and I tended to go into myself. Then people would ask if there was anything wrong. Of course I used to think they shouldn't have to ask they should know already !!! But eventually it started to become more " normal " not to have my mum popping in and out like she used to. This year in Oct it will be six years and sometimes my heart could break, but for most of the time I an now relatively ok. It certainly helps to speak to others and find that most of us have the same thoughts and feelings. But one other thing, your mum lives on in your three children , so will never be completely gone. Your children are part of her legacy to you 💐

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GetOrfMyBin · 26/06/2017 22:01

I can't remember if I posted on this thread yet - I think it was you Mummylin who came onto my thread and recommended I come post here when I was ready.

The past few weeks have been really shit. My dad died on 26th April. He took his own life. There were no signs, no warning, he was just gone. He was 51. I went back to work on 18th May before I was probably ready and haven't taken any time since I went back, though I only work 4 days a week so I've only had to get through those and then I have a three day weekend.

I don't know whether my body just tried to shut out feeling after the funeral and maybe the shock is starting to wear off now, but I've been crying more often than not. I think the run up to Father's Day didn't help, but I've been getting big punches of reality that he's not coming back and that this is it now forever. No getting to see him again or anything. DD2 is 6 on Friday and I'm getting upset that my dad won't be here for that either. Similarly today DD2 got 10/10 on a spelling test today and I know how proud my dad would have been and what he would have said. I'm just so sad about it all. It isn't fair. How do you get through it?

Sorry, I'm just needing to vent at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself and I've had a really crappy evening.

Flowers to all of you

Mummylin · 26/06/2017 22:24

Hi getorf what a terrible time you have had to go through. It must be very difficult to take it all in. Lots of unanswered questions for you maybe. It's is good that you have at least been able to work , so you have had some sense of normality.
You were probably in auto pilot mode when this happened and now it is sinking in. It is a horrible thought when you realise that a loved one has gone forever.
But it is healthy for you to grieve, and it is to be expected that there will be tears along the way. This is true for most of us. It can catch you unaware sometimes.
It is always sad when children's special days come along and that special person is no longer here, but I'm sure he would not want you to dwell on it too much , but to enjoy your child's birthday. And tell dd from me " well done on her spelling test " !
The thing is you have had a double whammy really. Not only do you have the death to cope with, which is awful, but you had to cope with shock as well, so it's hardly surprising you are upset. It is very early days and in your circumstances I think most of us would feel the same.
Don't hesitate to post if you need a shoulder.
And just one more thing, I promise it does eventually get better, it just takes time. 💐

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Mummylin · 30/06/2017 10:19

You are all in my thoughts as you travel this sometimes very lonely road. We are all here to give each other support when you feel the need for it. Enjoy the weekend as much as possible 💐

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laurela · 01/07/2017 22:40

Next month it's going to be the first anniversary of losing my dad. He was gone so suddenly and I didn't even get to say goodbye because I lived elsewhere - something I feel so guilty about even now. :(

Mummylin · 02/07/2017 12:51

That is so sad for you laurela I know how you feel,about that as I too can relate because same thing happened when my mum died. It was just so unexpected. It makes me sad too, and that she was on her own with none of her children with her.
Coming up to the anniversary is always going to be a mixed day, especially the first one. I expect you will be going through everything that happened on that horrible day.
The firsts of special dates are the worst, after they are out of the way things improve bit by bit. 💐

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Littlesparrowherenow · 03/07/2017 06:21

Hi have read this thread often and you've made me realise my feelings of feeling overwhelmed at times are normal.
I lost my mum 4 years ago, she was my best friend, and I feel like a ship lost at sea at times.
Had a lot of health issues and just thought I was turning corner and getting a little semblance of normality and bam... I've found a lump in my breast. Feel lost again and scared.
My mums sister died of aggressive breast cancer 8 years ago and my mind is working overtime. Just desperately wish she could be here to come to drs with me.
Sorry if I'm rambling or hijacking, I don't mean to, it's just I have no one in real life I can share this all with. My other half is great but very matter of fact about these things! Miss being able to chat to my lovely mum.

Mummylin · 03/07/2017 10:30

HelloSparrow I think you are being quite normal in wishing your mum was around as you now have fears for your own health, I don't think the feeling ever goes away, that when we feel ill or upset and even excited, the first person we all want is our mum.
You are welcome to come here and we can chat to you and give our support.
It must all be very frightening for you in view of past family history.
When do you have your apt ?
Hopefully your fears will be unfounded. First thing is to get your apt over and find out exactly what is happening with you. We can hold your hand 💐

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Littlesparrowherenow · 03/07/2017 11:57

Mummylin, thank you. Sat outside drs and read your reply 💐 So true that we think of our mum and dad at important times. Thank you for the hand hold. Greatly appreciated!

I started another thread in general health in a blind panic, and there are some really lovely people on there too, whose posts made the world of difference to me today.

My appointment was earlier this morning and was sat reading a post from another mumsnettee in the waiting room- really helped calm me when dr was running late!
My gp was amazing, knows me so well after everything that's happened to my family. Was really reassuring and said nothing to worry about, completely mobile- phew! Obviously need mammogram etc at breast clinic, so referral has been made and I feel much calmer. At least will get results on the day too.
She spent a long time chatting to me about how everything is going, and suggested counselling again and told me of a few places that do Pilates and yoga etc... never done them but I need to do something to stop myself feeling so isolated and try to meet more people...and attempt to get fitter and more mobile!!
Not having mum around is so hard, just when I feel like I'm regaining a small part of normality again, something else hits me and I'm spun backwards... but think that's how it goes.
🤞🏻 All goes ok at next appointment, but I feel better able to cope after speaking to dr.

The rollercoaster that grief is, is so hard at times, but lovely now I've found somewhere to speak 💐 Knowing that others have (sadly) experienced same range of feelings.

Many thanks

Mummylin · 03/07/2017 12:38

So happy for you that there is nothing to worry about. What a huge relief for you. There are lots of lovely people on this site and you will find many supportive threads ( including this one ! ) just do things at your own pace and when you want to. Would be good to join some group or other so that you can meet some new friends. Enjoy the rest of the day 💐

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