Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

I think posting when I'm able is a good idea, I will certainly continue to read these supportive threads 💐
Hoping everyone who is having a rough time at the moment can find a little calm time today too. So many people on here post things that really resonate. Hoping we all find the strength to deal with what we need to. Thanks again.

Mummylin a friend recommended I look for your name when my mum died 3 weeks ago. She said you're fab! (Used to be candyjingles on here) anyway, I'm not really sure what the done thing is, but I just thought I say hi and send some love to everyone who is grieving. It's bloody hard going.

Hello notreally that's very nice of your friend to send you here.
You are correct in saying it's hard going. It has to be one of the most stressful times of our lives. It's as though all f a sudden we are living in a completely different sad, sad world.
Emotionally you won't know where you are for a while, you will be up one day and down the next. The future probably looks as though it will be the same as it is now, but I promise you it won't be. There is no quick way to get through this time afraid, but with support to get you through you will be ok.
I hope you have some RL support, but we are here for when you need a listening ear. Take one day at a time for now, it's enough to cope with in these early days. 💐

Hi mummylin, notreallyarsed suggested your thread as I to have lost a parent. My Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago and his funeral was on Friday. I feel totally lost and overwhelmed with the amount of work ahead. I'm an only child and my dad dealt with all financial matters etc so my mum doesn't have a clue where to start. I also live 3 hours plus away so am worried about my mum as well.

Hi Alibaba I am sorry fir your sad loss. These first few weeks are dreadful, I would hate to be in that place now. I found that the days were just blurred into one, I could make no sense about anything, and to be honest didn't much care about anything either.
But, things improve over time, it takes a while, but everyone is different in how they cope, and how long until you feel a lot better. But until then, just get by as best as you can. Lots of us here to chat with at anytime 💐

Alibaba it may be helpful to look at a recent bank account of your dad's to see if there are any standing orders that he pays out etc. There will be a record somewhere which will maybe help your mum. Then there are the services like, electricity,gas, water and of course the council tax. It is a horrible job to have to do.

Thanks Mummylin, everything feels tilted to the side at the moment, nothing feels quite right. Day by day, hour by hour or even minute by minute during the worst times is how I'm coping. DP is fab and I have lots of RL support (which I'm very grateful for). My wee dad is struggling too, but we're getting there.
alibaba I'm glad you're here

The most important thing is the support.and it's perfectly fine to have tears ( normal ) . A good cry sometimes does you good, it releases some of the unhappiness. It sounds like you have good support. How sad for your poor dad, if only we could take the heartbreaking pain away from others. 💐

Tears come sometimes, but I've never properly broken down, and I almost wish I could. I cried when she died, and I cried when the district nurse tried to refuse her pain relief towards the end (thankfully my doctor uncle turned up and told the district nurse she had no right to refuse pain relief) but apart from that nothing. It all feels so utterly unreal. Dad did her funeral (he's a minister) and it was beautiful, just beautiful. But he's so lost without her, and my brother is a horrible character, mooching for money from her estate and taking anything of value from her jewellery box to sell. Ugh.
Dad has been taking my eldest a lot (both of them have ASD and a very, very close bond) which is helping both of them I think. You are very lovely Mummylin, it's nice to have some online support, with no pressure or expectations. You do a very special thing

That is an awful thing for your brother to do, but I think it happens more often than we know. It's despicable isn't it. Your children will probably be a massive help to your dad. But when people have been married a long time, for them it's like losing half of themselves isn't it.
It is good to cry or it can make you ill. I list a sister when she was only 26 and because I had my mum to stay for a few months after I felt I couldn't cry in front of her or my siblings, I tried to be the strong one, but ten months later it caught up with me and I was off work with a terrible depression where I had let it all build up. Was a horrible time. This time when I lost my mum, I think I did nothing but cry for weeks, luckily my siblings and I are very close and they all knew the special bond mum and I had and were so good to me. This helped enormously.
It's a very sad time in anyone's life. Then we have to earn that now we have a new different "normal" life. I expect to you at the moment it dosent seem possible, but in time it will. You will get longer gaps between your sad days and relatively good days and gradually you learn to live with your loss. 💐

I think unfortunately you are right, there are people who do terrible things after the loss of a loved one, things that we just can't understand. I've tried to cut down on contact for my own sanity tbh, either that or I'd lamp him and that's not helpful to anyone.
I'm sorry about your sister and your mum I completely get the "having to be strong", there was so much pressure around the funeral especially not to cry because it sets my dad off, so I actually got medication for the day of the funeral to make sure I held it together. I do cry sometimes, especially when I'm talking to DP about her (he listens so very well, he lost his mum and dad before he was 19 so he's very understanding) and he just holds me tight and lets me cry. I just can't seem to get to the "curl up in a ball and let it all out" stage, but I have my CPN tomorrow and I'm hoping she can give me tips.
I think you're right, some days are better than others, and as I explained to my eldest it's ok to cry, to feel sad, to grieve but it's also ok to laugh and have fun because that's what grannie would want too. My wee dad is a diamond, the biggest thing I took away from the weekend when we all camped at their house near the end, was that everyone should be loved the way he loves my mum. He and I both stayed with her apart from the odd nap here and there for days, with the rest of the family pootling round cooking and making sure everything was ticking over. It might sound cheesy but love is the abiding memory I'll keep from that time. My dad was so devoted to my mum, and he's broken without her, I'm scared because his health has never been good, he's a high stroke risk. We all used to joke about mum going off round the world on a cruise after dad went, none of us saw this coming. It sounds daft, but she was in remission and doing so well until March and now this.

I think I was the opposite at my Dads funeral, I couldn't stop crying! I wanted to say something at the funeral but didn't have the strength so a family friend did it for me. I know what you mean about taking things hour by hour. I'm really struggling to function which doesn't help me with sorting out my Dads affairs. There is so much to do. Both my kids will be at school and nursery tomorrow so I'm hoping I will get more done.
I've been on the phone this morning to Mum's council discussing care options because I worry about her being on her own.

alibaba don't try and do too much on one day. It can be overwhelming. It is a horrible task to deal with things after such a sad loss. And for you now to investigate care for your mum is an added worry. Does she need full time care or just help for a while during the day. Is she safe on her own at all ?
The whole thing about death is it's just so hard to get our heads around it, it seems impossible that someone who was here one day is gone the next. I am five years on and sometimes I still feel my mums loss so deeply. And in my case, it was a completely unexpected death, so the shock was enormous. I had no time to say goodbye and that broke my heart.

notreally depending on your dc,s ages I believe there are books which help children to understand what has happened and helps to deal with their grief. Maybe that would help.
Isn't it strange that we all learn about death from an early age, but when it happens it knocks us sideways.

We were the same, dad had been feeling unwell and was waiting for a hospital appointment. He died without warning in his sleep from heart failure. But at least he was peaceful.
Mum is ok Day to day with getting dressed and cooking but needs someone to help with cleaning and gardening. Her memory is bed so I need to get her checked but she won't go to a GP. She rang me this morning after she'd had a crank call telling her the internet was going to be cut off, they don't have the internet! So I do worry about her safety. Dad did everything for her which has now left her very vulnerable.
I feel pressure to get everything done so that I know mum is ok. I've done all the banks but have pensions and household stuff to sort out. My 2 year old is making that harder!

alibaba that's totally ok that you were crying all day at your dad's funeral, it's the toughest thing to go through. Go easy on yourself when it comes to doing things, take your time and do it at your own pace.
Dad asked me to sort out mum's clothes and stuff because she wanted them to go to Marie Curie and I merrily said yes thinking it would be fine and it was, until I found her scratty old bobble hat and sobbed like a child. Take your time my friend
Mummylin I've got some books for my eldest, he's 10, and I've tried with DD (4) but she just can't understand bless her. DS2 is 3 but has ASD and hearing loss so is blissfully unaware and keeps calling for grannie through the letterbox. It is strange isn't it? My friend described it as bracing for the impact of a plane crash, we all knew it was coming, yet somehow it still took the legs away from me when it happened.

Sorry I posted before I'd read your update alibaba, is there social work involved with your mum? It might help take a bit of pressure off you (sorry if that's the wrong suggestion)

Another thing is that if you have friends around that still have their parents, they can't really empathise very much because they have no idea how awful it is. And there are people that think after a couple of weeks you should be " back to normal " we will never be back to how we were and it's hard to face that we have to carry on without a special person being here now. So many times I have wanted to text my mum or having her pop in for a cuppa. I have to say when I got a new phone, I still put my mums number in ! I cannot bear not to have it, which is really ridiculous. But I feel better for having it ! Silly things take on a much greater significance I found.
💐💐💐💐💐for everyone who is missing someone very special.

It's not ridiculous at all, I still do that with my best friend's number and she died nearly 4 years ago, I just can't bear not to have her number in my phone. I'm sure I'll do the same with mum's number.
One "friend" at nursery commented that she knew how I felt because her mum is on holiday without a phone at the moment and I felt like ripping her head off but I just walked away. Most of my friends have been amazing though, and family too.

It helps to have good friends and family around you at this time. Even if it's just to give you a quick hug or something like that. This is when a lot of people find out the true meaning of friendship. I was lucky, It sounds like you are too.

I'm glad you had the support too. I'm very lucky, especially with a small group of very close friends, they seem to know when I need a hug and when I need space without me saying a word. My BIL turned up out of the blue the week Mum died and I was in a heap on the floor unable to function, he just walked in and sorted the kids, dinner, housework and everything. He was great. Dad is here just now so I'm making his tea

Enjoy your tea 😀

I haven't caught up on this thread yet, I'm finding it difficult reading to be honest. It's been 5 months since mum passed and over the last month I have cried everyday, all over again I can't believe she's gone and I am overwhelmed because I thought I was doing well. I obviously cried a great deal in the 1st month but then things calmed down and it was every few days then a week would pass then 10 days but all of a sudden I am back at the beginning and it's intense and painful I have no idea how to help myself I feel like I am drowning.

Dh and I have just returned from holiday and the first few days I was absolutely fine then the last few I went to pieces. Every moment is taken up with thoughts of mum. My grief is really hitting me hard at the moment. Is this normal?

I am so sorry for all those who are in similar situations, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Susan I am sorry you are in such despair at the moment. It is only a matter of months since your loss and so you are still relatively new to your grief. I think we do go along quite well sometimes, then a certain thing can trigger it all off again and we go back to feeling almighty st as far as we did to start with. It can be triggered by anything really, a certain song, a place you went to together, just about anything and when you don't expect it too. You said you have had times when you haven't felt too bad, well those times will come back, eventually but of course , there will is no telling when.
I think for most of us the first year at least is a mixture of up and down emotions, it plays havoc emotionally because we don't know where we are from one day to the next !
If you find yourself getting really overwhelmed then maybe it would suit you to see a bereavement counsellor, this isn't for everyone, but I'm sure it helps a lot of people.
Don't let it go on too long without help and support from someone, you will end up ill. Or you could also tell your doctor you are struggling to cope and see what he suggests for you. I promise you this will eventually pass. 💐

I'm sorry about your mum Susan it's the most awful thing to go through. I'm sure it's completely normal, I'm wondering if I'm not because I haven't broken yet, I think we all deal with things in different ways and there's no right or wrong way.