Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

End of an era today. Sale of my parents house went through. That's the end for my family of 53 years of the home I grew up in. Handed the keys in to the Estate Agents and then went for lunch in a cafe I used to go to with Mum when I was a child. (I don't live in the area now). Went to put flowers on Mum and Dad's grave and was pleasantly surprised to find the gravestone had been put back with Mum's name added (I had asked the funeral director to arrange this a few weeks ago as it was 12 months since Mum died, but he hadn't contacted me to let me know it had been done yet). An emotional day.

Big blue ... your post is heartbreaking. Still grieving over my Mum but get comfort from Dad and the family home...but what will I do when they have gone? Dreading that day x

Im so glad i have found this thread. I lost my Mum in November last year to cancer after a 21 month battle.
I miss her so much, i just cant get it in my head that she isnt coming back, that i wont speak to her again.
I had lots of support from friends up until about February, but now its as though its all ok, noone ever asks how i am so i feel i cant talk. Even my OH tells me i need to get on with life, i know this but its so hard. My DD is struggling she is only 7 and misses her Nanna, but the school are going to arrange for her to have grief councelling. I think thats maybe what i need someone i can talk to

Big blue...that's hard. Me and my DB had to sell our family home of forty odd years last September after our DM was killed in a car accident. DF died in 1999. So many happy memories there. I drive to work within a few minutes of the house every week, just can't bring myself to pass by and steal a look. I keep imagining all the plants coming up in the garden and hoping the new owner is looking after things.
Thinking of everyone struggling.

nickpic It's so hard especially when people stop mentioning your loss as time goes on. I also lost my DD 4 months ago and whilst people still visit they don't really mention her. I just think people don't know how to relate to us any more. I have lost both my parents and my DD all in the space of 3 years. I'm not sure any of us have come to terms with it yet.

CP We suspect that the new owner will do a substantial amount of work to our old house. I'm actually quite tempted to go back and have a look in a few months time - or ring the neighbours and check what is going on! In fairness the house was ready for a renovation project.

Hello to bigblue and nickpick
I'm sorry that you have both joined this thread in one way, but glad you found us in another,
We all understand how you must be feeling as we have all in varying degrees gone through the same,
It is tough when you start to lose the support around you after a couple of months, people don't get that because you appear to be fine, you actually aren't inside. It's tough.
And for you bigblue how heartbreaking for you to have to sell your family home.
We too had to do that and I have never been down that road since. I could not bear to see someone else in my mums garden.
I hope that you can get some comfort from this thread whenever you need to chat. Always someone here. 💐

And I meant to say to bigblue how sorry I am to see you also lost your dd. What a terrible time you have gone through. 💐

It's my mum's funeral this week. I found her dead in her home 2 weeks ago. Seemingly in perfect health, I went to her home to check up on her when she didn't turn up to meet me as planned and I couldn't reach her by phone. She had been dead for 2 days.

Not really thinking much beyond the funeral at the mo, which I planned in its entirety. I plan to be valiumed to the hilt at it in any case.

Also just found out an old friend collapsed and died a fell race last week. 37 years old.

Everything just feels a bit surreal at the moment.

Hello very what a terrible shock you must of had. I hope you are getting lots of RL support as I expect you can do with it at the moment. And then on top of that to lose a friend as well. Life deals some horrible blows sometimes dosent it.
I hope that all the plans are now in place for your mums funeral. It is a sad day, but it's surprising how strong we can be sometimes.
Do you have any siblings to help you get through this ? Or very close friends ?
Here's hoping it all goes as well as it possibly can and you find some comfort with others support. 💐

Good morning everyone. Just popped on to say that I hope you are all coping ok, especially the recent posters. Just remember, one day at a time. 💐

Wow....talk about crazy little things that make you miss them.

I just saw a friends DM write on his FB page:
"Hi Riley, lots of love Mum"

I'd give anything to receive that.

Me too lemon people are so lucky to have their mum. I just wish I was one of them 💐

I had someone round yesterday who recently lost his mum, she was 103 !!! But of course it makes no difference to him, his loss is as bad as anyone else's. I can't imagine getting to that age. What a lot of changes she must of witnessed in her long life.

Hey all,

Ive not been on the thread before, I hope you dont mind.

I lost my father just over a year ago. He was sick but it wasnt expected as such.

Im just crying today for such stupid reasons. I miss him. I miss his presence, even if I didnt see him for a week at a time.

I wouldnt want him to be in the pain he was in anymore and I feel so selfish wanting him back. My mam isnt coping, we are all trying to get on with our lives as best we can, kids etc but its hard today and I dont know why.

When does it get easier?

Hello snip I am sorry to see that you are still in so much pain. It's hard to say when it gets easier as it's different for all of us. I am 5 yrs on and still have some very sad days. But the thing to remember is that you won't feel like you do forever. One day you will suddenly realise that you haven't felt sad for a couple of days or weeks, then your healing has begun. I do suggest that you don't look too far forward, just get through each day and week as best as you can, worry about next week when it comes. If the sadness oersists and shows no signs of improving maybe you can get some bereavement counselling which could help you. 💐

on rereading, this is ranty and long, but it helped me feel better, apologies in advance, skim

Hi everyone. I was on the last thread. I lost my mum on 14th December, 9.5 weeks after she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was already in her liver and probably her lung before she had any real symptoms.

I have ticked off the First Christmas, mum and dad's wedding anniversary, Mother's Day, Easter, her favourite grandson's birthday (I know - you're not supposed to have favourites, but no one would argue that he was the apple of her eye).

I have had 8 counselling sessions and I'm on my 2nd box of anti-anxiety tablets.

I am struggling with ANGRY feelings, especially towards my in laws (not one of them made it to the funeral). I would have turned them down if they'd offered childcare at the time, I wanted my baby to be close, so we took my then 19m old daughter to the service and she "helped" me do my reading. My husband had to ditch carrying the coffin because our daughter kicked off and he missed the wake too.

I am annoyed with my sister in law who messaged me the night mum died, didn't send a card, and hasn't been in touch since. My father in law is always useless, but he couldn't come because my husband was too busy with me and our daughter to collect him. My mother in law hasn't been here in a year, I haven't seen her since Christmas. If we don't take our daughter to her, she doesn't bother, although she flies to a different country once a month to see sister in laws daughter.

My "best" friend... it's been strained since I had a MMC 3 years ago. She sent me a heartfelt message asking how I was, and because I thought she was interested, I told her and she didn't even reply. I didn't want to tell her mum was ill, because she likes to "tick boxes" and turn up with buns. My brother told her on the Saturday morning that mum had 24-48 hours to live. She waited all day, entertained friends, typed a text, had her DH proof-read it, and sent it on Sunday morning at 00.30. When my phone beeped I thought it was the summons to the hospital, I thought mum was gone. I was furious to read her message, and absolutely sick. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. With a toddler and the thoughts and pressure surrounding losing my mum, and tonsillitis, sleep was so precious. I still can't believe she'd think that was a good idea, but she needed to "tick the box". She wanted to come to the house the day after mum died, but my brother told her not to, we were struggling and up to our eyes in admin. She didn't make the funeral as it was her work Christmas dinner that night, and had a hair appointment (I gleaned that info from her tedious FB updates, and swiftly unfollowed her). She arrived here uninvited a week later as I was sleeping on the settee having sent our daughter to nursery, as I hadn't slept in a week. She needed all the gory details, but I asked her why she'd thought it was a good idea to message me at 00.30 and she shrugged and said she had to, it had ruined her evening with friends and she couldn't get me out of her head until she'd sent it.

I haven't heard from her since, except she tagged me in EVERY single FB competition under the sun from December until February, when I found the strength to comment "please stop tagging me in these".

I found out a fortnight ago that - shock - my Dad is not my Mum. I have been trying to spend more time with him, but he keeps escaping to tinker with a car or check something in the garden. I still don't know what our new relationship will be. I don't know if I'm stalking him or neglecting him. The guilt wrecks me either way.

I didn't mean for this to be so long, or so ranty. Please be easy on me if you think I'm being a complete nutcase! Thanks mummylin for being here. Sorry to the newcomers. Lemonzest, I read your 2 threads in intrepidation when my mum was ill. It gave me some comfort. It was great to know someone had started the hideous process and was starting to survive the other side. And Littlepigs - you're 100% right about the change in weather. It brought my dad down too, and the first rays of sunshine made me catch my breath. Gloomy weather is more fitting.

Rereading this has made me feel like a bitch, but I feel lighter. I'm going to put a note at the start to warn folk to skim!

Can I just tell you one thing that I realise has helped this last 3 nights. The counsellor recommended meditation (no time!) and an app called Calm. I have listened to a sleep story this last 3 nights, and had the deepest, most satisfying sleeps that I've had since October. The free version is sufficient! For anyone who struggles with sleep.

Hello jbee have only just seen your post as I had visitors who just left !
It appears that everyone around you basically has been useless in terms of any kind of support. I think with the loss of someone so close it's gut wrenching and it's the support from family and friends that helps you through it.
No wonder you chose to go to counselling, is it helping you do you think ? Probably the people who have let you down so badly don't even know what they have done. No thought at all, and I too would find all this very hurtful and like you would of been very angry.
Some people think that after a couple of weeks that we all " get over " the loss of someone that we loved so much. And so they all get on with their lives and don't give any more thought to what has happened.
Your "best friend" was very very thoughtless and as for your in law family, what can i possibly say to excuse them. The answer is nothing. Their actions or lack if them are inexcusable.
How many more counselling sessions have you got planned ?
I hope that in time you begin to feel better than you do now. Do continue with the Calm app that helps you sleep. I am sorry that you have been surrounded by so many selfish people.
I am sure that your dad is enjoying you being around, but maybe he dosent want you to see that he is still grieving so takes himself off to reflect on his own whilst knowing you are " there"
Always someone here for you , take care 💐

@jbee1979 I could have written your post.

I'm new to this thread too, although my Dad passed on in December. Today is his birthday, and I'm struggling.

My in-laws were crap - not one of them offered to come to the funeral, and cards/messages of support were few and far between

My 'best' friend was crap - another friend told her the news, as after a long day of fielding phone calls I just couldn't face it, and she didn't get in touch for nearly a week. And then it was a text message that said, "How's you?"

My husband's been pretty crap. I think this may break us. I think I want it to. He forgot it was Dad's birthday today, and when he apologised this evening it was immediately followed with a "But how was I supposed to know." (The same way I know when your fucking parents' birthdays are, that's how).

His parents came to visit for a week over Easter and I could barely look at them.

I'm trying so hard to be normal, but I'm so angry. I'm still so angry. At everyone.

I'm so sorry that so many of you are going through this. I know that there is no such thing as a hierarchy of grief, but I truly feel as though I should be better by now. It was my Dad, not my child, not my partner. You expect to lose your parents at some point. But, God, it's so shit.

TL;DR - It's been five months, shouldn't it be easier?

Hello queen the answer to your query is no it isn't always better after 5 months. Some experts say to get over the first year and all the " firsts"
It can take longer or shorter. We are all so different. You feel as you feel. I think something as enormous as this can divide people. And I know lots of pp have found their friends are not as supportive as they should be. I also think that unless anyone has lost a loved mum / dad they have no idea how utterly heartbreaking it is. You r whole world seems suddenly wrecked and we all know our lives will never be the same.
As for your dh, I think a lot of men just don't think about things too much. I heard my dh happily singing one of the songs we had had at my mums funeral. I of course felt hurt and angry at the time,
It sounds like this may be the straw that broke the camels back regarding you and dh. Obviously I don't know your background, but have things just gone wrong since your bereavement ?
I can say that the way you are feeling regarding your loss will pass. It all takes time, but slowly and surely things do get better. Must be a sad day for you toda, probably thinking back to your dads last birthday,
It's a horrible event we have to get through, but we all come somehow !
Life will get better for you eventually. One day at a time for now 💐

Thank you. for you too.

I lost my mum in November, very suddenly, very unexpectedly, I held her as she died, all the time unable to comprehend what was happening. She was only 61, still working full time, had never been ill.
We were so so close, she was an amazing mum and grandmother to my 2 boys. My grief is two fold, I've lost my mum but my children have lost their magical nanny and I feel so angry about that, so so bloody angry.
I don't feel like I'm making any progress tbh, I just cannot believe this has happened, that she's gone. I miss her so much, I physically ache for her. I'm trying not to cry so much because it's exhausting and leaves me wiped out for hours afterwards.
I also found out at her funeral that my dad has died. It was 5 years ago and we were not in contact but it's added to my feeling of being alone in the world definitely.

Hi Kenneth I am sorry you have had to join this thread.
It is still very early days for you and if your mums death was unexpected ( as mine was ) I think you have to cope twofold. Not only the death but the terrible shock as well.
It is a very sad time in your life and there is no easy way to get through your grief. Some people find it helps to speak to a counsellor, others prefer not too. Whichever works for you.
It takes a while to get back to some semblance of " normal life " although your life will now be different.
Certain dates will upset you, which is perfectly normal.
Tears will do you no harm, they are meant to be healing and it's better than letting everything build up inside you.
Things do eventually get better and in the not to distant future you will find yourself having more better days.
How horrid for you to find out about your dad when you are grieving for your mum. Take care and make sure you look after yourself, it's easy to skip meals and have a lack of sleep. 💐

Hi all. Sorry for everyone for your losses. I lost my lovely Dad on Sunday. He had been fighting multiple myeloma (a form of blood cancer) for over 8 years. He was only 66. He suffered immensely during that time and his life was a never-ending cycle of chemotherapy and painful procedures. He died in a lot of pain, and was delirious (from his kidney failing) so he was confused, frightened and hallucinating. It was fucking awful. I'm so angry he was made to suffer that much and I don't know how to move on from this. He also loved my two DDs (his only grand-children) immensely and as they are only 2 and 5 months he will never get to see them grow up.

Hello kitkat I am sorry to see your post. It seems that your poor dad certainly suffered with his illness. It must of been horrible for you to witness this.these first few days are such a mixture of emotion aren't they, a bit of everything, sadness, maybe a bit of relief that his suffering has ended, disbelief that he has gone. It is a truly devastating time. It is very sad that your children won't know him, but you can tell them all about him as they get older, so through you they will know all about their grandad.
I hope that you will have RL support to help you cope. It will really help if people rally round for you and help you through.
Do look after yourself. You will get through this. 💐

Hello everyone. Reading your stories my heart goes out to you all.

My wonderful parents died months apart from each other, and both of their deaths were sudden with no warning, no chance to say goodbye (DM had a stroke, DF aortic aneurysm). I'm struggling at the moment. I'm under pressure at work - my boss has been insensitive. She keeps pointing out that my job is insecure. To which I want to scream 'I don't care! It's the least of my worries right now!' I do actually need the job and don't want to behave unprofessionally. But it's just over a month since my amazing Dad passed away and only just a year since I lost my lovely Mum. I got so cross the other day when my boss asked me why I didn't make target in the month that my Dad died. I mean, seriously?

DS is grieving too - he was very close to my parents and the suddenness of their deaths was hard on him (as it has been on me) - so he needs my support right now. I really feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I get irritated that people don't understand why I'm not working as efficiently as usual, why I don't want to help out at PTA events at school, why I'm not able to do everything for everyone else right now. There is a lot to do with organising the financial affairs and sorting out the house. They never moved, and the house is just full of sentimental things. I was born there. It's just heartbreaking to think of selling it, but can't afford to keep it and need to split the money from it with my siblings.

It's not everyone - my DH is doing more than his fair share of everything to help me out and is very kind to me. At the same time he has never been through a bereavement so it's hard for him to really understand.

And breathe.

I just needed to rant. and for everyone who is going through this. It is so damn hard.