Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

Hi Running what a terribly sad time you have been having. To lose both parents in such a short time must be devastating. It must be difficult for you to support your child when you need support yourself. It sounds like your work are being complete nobs actually. Maybe they haven't been through such a sad event in their lives yet and so don't understand how awful it is. You not only have the deaths to cope with, but the shock of unexpected death is terrible. I had the same when my mum died.
It is a sad occasion when you have to sell the home , I remember when we sold mums the state agent said " that's good news isn't it ? " well no it wasn't at all . Some people just don't think.
If you are able to take your time then do so. One of my brothers and I were executors and had to deal with everything. I have so many big tubs filled with stuff I can not bear to just throw out. Even little scraps of paper that my mum had written on took on monumental importance to me and I still have them !
I hope you don't have to do this task on your own, it's tough.
Is there maybe an HR person at your work you could have a word with ?
You have my deepest sympathies in your very sad losses 💐

Thank you Mummylin My work really are being 'complete nobs' and that phrase made me smile. You're right that they haven't ever suffered bereavement themselves, let alone sudden and multiple bereavements. So they have no idea. There's no HR dept - tiny company - but I do have a few holiday days left to call on. I think I'll need to explain to them how much I'm struggling - but I really just hate talking about it as I just break down.

Yes, I'm executor too, and it's just a mammoth task. And I know what you mean about your mum's writing. I have a note that my Dad passed to me years ago when I was having a bad day - it's just scribbled on the back of an envelope and says 'Don't worry (my name) because your Dad loves you' I know exactly where that envelope is in my flat but I can't bear to take it out - I'm sobbing just telling you about it. I don't know how I'll ever throw any of their things away.

Thank you so much for your kindness.

Sending love and hugs Running.
xxx

Running if you are unsure on what you would like to keep, just get some storage tubs for now and go through things at a later date.i know its isnt possible to keep everything, but I also know that it's tough to decide what to get rid of .
We have mums furniture to British heart foundation, and lots of other things to Naomi House Children's Hospice, which I know would of made her happy.
But I kept mums old potato peeler, even though I don't use one myself
and lots of odds and sods, to me now they are treasures !
I still have tubs full but I did actually empty some out recently.
I hope you can sort something out about your holiday days, it sounds like you can do with some time off. And of course your grief has actually just continued from last year really hasn't it, so you really do deserve a break. Maybe you could speak to your doctor and he may say you need time off which would be helpful for you. 💐

Thanks for the hugs Frazzle and for the advice Mummylin You're very kind. It really helped me to rant here

We are always here Running it really does help to talk to others who understand. And we all like a rant now and then ( daily ) ! Just take each day as it comes, don't put yourself under too much pressure. 💐

Does anyone here feel guilty for living a distance away from their surviving parent? I do

Hello double. I'm sorry I don't have the answer to your query as I haven't been in that position, hopefully someone else has been or us in the same position. But if you have your home, jobs, family etc it's not so easy to just up sticks is it ? Is it possible that your surviving parent could stay for a weekend with you now and then and you go to them next w and again ? Very tough to know what is right 💐

Been lurking for a while, working up the courage to post, just wanted to send some comfort and support to running and everyone on here.

I second Mummylin's suggestion of storage temporarily. I found some decisions about what to keep were heartbreaking at the moment of clearing my mum's house were much easier when I went back to them year later. My DP pointed out you don't have to do everything at once. It must be so hard to lose both parents so close, take some time off if you need to and look after yourself
(is that the right use of flowers? I'm new here! I intend them to mean I am thinking of you and I wish I could do something to help but I know not much helps in these situations)

Adding a bit of my own story, as I said I've been working up the courage to do so!

I lost my mum to cancer 2.5 years ago. She was a single parent and I'm her youngest (big age gap with my brothers) so it was just the two of us at home for several years. We were incredibly close and I was probably her main carer for the last year, which was tough but I wouldn't change for anything. I was 34 when she died, 36 now. I miss her hugely. I'm still hit by waves of grief, these past few weeks unexpectedly often. I thought I'd reached a bit more of a state of equilibrium, I know I'll always have moments where it hits but they've been coming thick and fast recently.

I was wondering if anyone here had tried grief counselling and how they find it? I know that's a big question with lots of answers. I felt very against the idea when she first died, I wanted to work through my grief at my own pace and not try and "fix" it if that makes sense?

I don't know if my emotions may be triggered by other stresses in my life: my DP is off work, struggling with poor MH so I'm back in the position of carer, I went back to uni after mum died, (wanting a new career/better quality of life, a sort of "life's too short to keep being unhappy" response to losing her, I was deeply unhappy in my old job) now I'm into the final assessments, heavy workload, tight deadlines and wondering where I go from here... Feeling like I'm in my early twenties again while all my friends are settling down and sorting their lives out! I don't know if grief is at the heart of my crying fits or if it just gets added in to other problems IYSWIM? E.g. I know I would have talked to mum about DP being depressed but I can't because she's gone.

Writing this, I am aware many people have much more difficult problems to face, there are lots of ways in which I'm "lucky" We had an excellent relationship, I got to spend a lot of time with her before she died, DP is hugely supportive and I have a good group of friends. I'm trying to hold on to that but it's a bit "not waving but drowning" some days

Sending sympathy and support to everyone on here. It's a tough journey

I'm not in the same position doublegloucester but it must be very hard

Hello Mason it seems you have had a few different things to deal with in the last couple of years, so in a way it's been unending for you. It seems that you have been the backbone not just for your mum, but your do too . Who is the backbone for you ???
It must be very difficult for you coping with other things as well as still grieving for your mum.
Regards counselling, I believe some people have found it very helpful, others not so much, but it's worth a try isn't it.
It sounds like your grief hasn't been dealt with properly yet as you haven't had the time because of other events in your life. So a counsellor may be very good for you.
I hope your Dp is getting good medical care too as this will lessen the worry for you. MH problems are terrible , both for the person and the close family.
Things will improve, but it's not anything that can be rushed.
I do hope that there is someone in RL who is being a really good friend to you right now. Do take care 💐

Hello everyone. I lost my mum unexpectedly to sepsis just over a month ago, and I'm really struggling today. Can I join?

Have my (third) driving test tomorrow, and feel about four years old. I've never passed or failed any sort of test without my mum to congratulate or console me. It's such a stupid thing to get upset about, but I feel a bit lost.

As awful as it is that everyone is going through grief, reading everyone's experience has made me feel less alone- thank you all for that

Thank you Mummylin, I do have some lovely friends and DP is very supportive, although obviously dealing with his own stuff too. It's funny how you don't realise until someone points it out that all this adds up to quite a lot! There have been some other things as well, I won't go into details here. I still beat myself up for not coping better. I'm trying to be kinder and take time when I need it (currently lying down while DP cooks, he's having a good day )

Big hugs tethersend, it's not stupid at all. Sometimes the little things bring it home. One of my sad moments last week was when I used the last teabag in a box of special ones my mum had bought me (so must be at least three years old!) and it just hit me. A driving test is a big thing and as you say, represents other tests and exams. I find it's things like that my mum would have wanted to hear all about and noone else is quite the same way about it ...

Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow and will send you virtual congratulations or condolences, although I know it's not the same

Thank you Masonbee, lovely of you to reassure me when you're dealing with a lot yourself. Virtual congratulations or condolences would be hugely appreciated

I understand the teabags. Mum used to buy me tea towels(!) and I have put a few together which I know she bought and put them away so we don't wear them out straight away. Today I cried at a lemon

It's early days, but I've decided to go to grief counselling just to help me make sense of everything I'm feeling. I've only had one session, but it was incredibly helpful to be able to cry and talk about mum without worrying if the other person was bored.

Hi Tethersend so sorry you have had to join us here, although you are very welcome.
I am sure you are feeling quite low at the moment as your bereavement is do recent.
I think it's like a bolt from the blue when we lose a parent, and none of us are really prepared for it at all.
As for your driving test, I think you should try to pass it for your mum, she would be so happy for you. I am going to keep my fingers crossed for you too.
It's good to see that you are going to seek help from counselling, anything you think will help can only be for the good. It is a tough time to get through and the more support we have the better.do try and arrange your counselling asap as sometimes there is a bit of a wait before you can see someone. Do look after yourself, regular meals and suchlike 💐
Mason I hope you enjoyed your dinner 🙂 Yes it does sometimes take someone else to point things out that you could be oblivious to. But it's true you certainly have had a lot to deal with, and things have a habit of catching up with us eventually. Do make some time just for yourself, even if it's only half an hour a day. 💐

I completely understand crying at a lemon. It is the little things sometimes!

I just came on to say I hope the driving test went well or whatever is appropriate

Good luck with the driving test.

So far this week I have been set off by a song on the radio, the film La La Land coming out on DVD, a flower, a dream, a birthday, a cobweb, a photo, a book, a ring, a spoon, a cream tea and someone calling out Mum in the street. All in just one week.

These little things are all around us.

Thank you all so, so much. I passed. I drove past the place where we had mum's funeral (Epping forest) during the test and I really felt as if she was with me. I'm trying not to focus on the one phonecall I can't make and to focus instead on the fact that she would have been proud of me.

and all round to help us get through the little things.

Bloody well done tethers I told you to do it for your mum. I know she would be feeling so happy for you. 🚗 🎉 🌹.

Well done tethers. How amazing that you went past the same place. Your Mum would be so proud of you.

Tethers, that's great. Huge Congratulations! I have a tear in my eye for you

I didn't see your post yesterday Mummylin, dinner was oven chips and a fried egg! But I did enjoy it

Littleho, your list resonated with me! I'm sure we all have similar lists. I sometimes feel that I'm being ridiculous and people will be wondering why I'm still upset and over something so small, it's good to feel other people are experiencing the same thing, even if terribly sad to all be in the same boat IYSWIM.

Planning on getting lots of work done today, wish me luck... And hoping everyone has a good week ahead

Thanks again for the congratulations.

LittleHo, you're right. She would. I think our mums would be proud of us all for getting through this, TBH.

I hope you managed to get lots done today, Masonbee

Hello everybody

Would like to join in. Lost my dad to cancer a couple of months ago. Now the oldest in the family as my mum passed away a while back. So now DSis1, DSis2 and DBro want me to be the parent figure.

DH's dad has just been given a year to live, and he has told me the best thing I can do to support him through that is just be stable and not show my own emotion/grief as he can't cope with it. He snaps at me if I ask about his dad & says he doesn't want to talk about it and calls me a selfish bitch if I don't ask about his dad. We had a massive fight last night because I wanted a cuddle as I missed my dad and felt a bit scared that I'm now the adult in the family. He told me to stop losing it and that he thinks my objective is to kill him by falling apart.

Cuddle

It all sounds hugely stressful. I would tell them all that you need support too and you are all adults together.