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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lemon's Mum

999 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2016 11:37

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Sad

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle Hmm

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 01/10/2016 17:21

Dealing with other people's lack of support is one of the nasty little surprises that bereavement has tucked away, just to hit you again when you're low Hmm

When we lost my grandad, mil was surprised that I was upset as he was "just" my grandad. It's 10 years ago this month and I don't think I will ever truly forgive her thoughtless and nasty comments - she made things harder than they needed to be Angry

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/10/2016 19:22

Hi lovely, just popping by. When my dad died last year and when I miscarried a longed for baby, I certainly found out who my real friends were, it happens I'm afraid. I now have a small circle of really good friends I can trust my life with which is actually lovely, we are there through thick and thin. I hope you are eating miss? Sounds like mum is very near the end sweetie, stay brave x will check on your tomorrow, hope you get some sleep.

Allatseainthemidlands · 01/10/2016 19:50

Hi lemon. Hoping that you are managing to eat and rest, and that you are allowing yourself a bit of space as the end of your mum's journey draws closer. Prayers for light and peace and love to surround you and all your dear ones tonight.

TheBouquets · 01/10/2016 21:14

Thinking of you dear mum and dear dad.

Quietlygoingmad67 · 01/10/2016 21:18

Popping in to give you an extra gentle hand hold Lemon - thinking of you and your family Flowers

PootlewasthebestFlump · 01/10/2016 21:20

Lemon, what you're going through is big stuff, proper grown up stuff. When my dad died 2 weeks ago I really felt grown up for the first time, despite being a mother. Maybe your friend is not yet realising the enormity of what is happening to you and to her. Perhaps she can't face it. Maybe she lacks emotional maturity - substance use is often a mask for perceived or actual failings.

focus only on you and your family. Let everything rise fade out. Those who are worth it will come to you and reach out to you. I got amazing support from friends because I let the ones help who wanted to.

I hope you have an ok night. I am keeping my mum company. Life without dad can be lonely.

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 01/10/2016 21:32

I can't even imagine pootle.

I adore my Mum but because me and DF are so similar I would just be destroyed if I lost him too.

I've been jabbering away to DM about anything and everything all night (Wine helps me talk, can't lie!) and in an hour or so DDDDP is driving up from London to get me and take me home to DFs house to sleep. Bless him, it took him 7 hours to get to London today.

I know we might lose her overnight however I literally cannot stay awake any longer and I know DM would be the first person to say "Go home Lemon, get some sleep!!"

OP posts:
PootlewasthebestFlump · 01/10/2016 21:36

She may choose to go when you are not there. Because she loves you. Dad waited for the whole family bar me to have a group hug outside. Quietly stopped. Me and him were similar in ways I've never realised before. He showed me that, it was his last gift. Your mum will do what's right and you can't change it no matter what you do x

dailymaillazyjournos · 01/10/2016 21:50

Lemon, I agree that you DM may go when you and your DF aren't with her. This is something that happens a lot. If this does happen with your DM please please don't feel guilty. You have done your DM proud and it may be that at some level she wants to spare you having to see her passing. I honestly believe that from all the people I've known who have sat and sat and sat with a loved one, only for them to go, when they finally left their room. And as you say your DM would be the first one to tell you to go and rest.

maybethedayafter · 01/10/2016 21:51

If she does go when you're not there please don't feel guilty. I do believe that people have a certain amount of control to choose when they go. If it's when you're all there that she feels safe and secure she may let go then, or she may only feel able to go when she's on her own, or maybe just with some or one of you. You have been there throughout all this time and she knows that. Your Dad also knows that and knows he can always count on you. I'm glad you have each other, and your brother too. Thinking of you all.

bookbook · 01/10/2016 21:51

so now you know she will always be with you -youknow what she would say.
You have to think in terms of keeping yourself well, and sleep is important to heal - mentally and physically from the days stresses.
Thoughts and prayers to you all

boobyooby · 01/10/2016 22:00

Hi Lemon, my grandma insisted we all go home and literally cried and begged us to leave and get some sleep - we got a phonecall before we even got home to say she had passed. We had been with her all day until about 3am but I do truly believe she wanted to go without us there!

Thinking of you all the time Cake

IsItOnTheTrolley · 01/10/2016 22:23

Night night Lemon, keeping you and your family in my thoughts. (((Hug))) 🌻🌻🌻

saffronwblue · 01/10/2016 22:35

Hope you can get some more sleep Lemon.

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/10/2016 22:36

Agree with ppm, she may want privacy to shut her eyes for the final time. I said before I reckon it's a primitive thing, bless you all

TheBouquets · 01/10/2016 22:38

Hi Lemon
Just to let you know that I am still here thinking of you and your family at this time. DP coming to be with you may be the time that Dmum choses to go. I had it both ways and what I tell myself is that it was their choice. You will always have your dmum with you in everyday things, whether it be that you think what would they do or say or some indication comes as an answer to something on your mind.
Hope you have some food and rest at home with DP.
Take care of you

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 01/10/2016 23:11

LovelyLemon. I agree with the others, I believe your Mum will choose her moment. She may want you both (all) to be there, just one of you or none of you. IF your Mum chooses for you not to be there, it will be to save you the pain of it, nothing else. Please see it as her sparing you, not rejecting you. No one could have done more for anyone than you have for your Mum 💐

As for your friend...as sad as it is I think you need to let her go. For several reasons, she's not been there for you at all through this, you feel there's a possibility she could be embarassed by you - that's not friendship, & mostly because she's still into a druggy lifestyle - you're not. You've been through a hell of a lot - you're going to be very vulnerable after this. You have the potential of a wonderful life with your lovely DP, why would you risk that taking drugs & risking your mental health or life!? It would probably be very hard to be strong enough not to take them when your grieving if they're all around you.

Friendships - friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If you haven't read about that, google it. It helps you to accept the changing & passing of friendships.

SingaSong12 · 01/10/2016 23:53

Best wishes and prayers for the whole family Flowers

Florathefern · 02/10/2016 00:06

Hi Lemon,

Please don't dwell on your friend. I think she is doing you a big favour by not being part of your life right now. You have left the drug world thankfully and sometimes when we are feeling vulnerable it is easy to slip into old habits so I think thank your lucky stars that you have broken all connections with that.

I hope your DM is feeling peaceful. You are always in my thoughts. I hope you are getting some sleep and are eating some proper food if you can, even a sandwich, soup and fruit - easy but healthy. Look after yourself, you are going through so much. xx

Poptart27 · 02/10/2016 04:33

Lemon, I keep checking in as I am 8 hours behind you.

When my MIL died my very good friend did not come to the funeral, nor was she supportive to me. After some time I was able to realize that things were just too close to home for her. Her own mother had died of cancer and me going through the same that she did was too close to home and she shut down. We never talked about it and although I was quite hurt for a while, I was able to move past it once I realized what was going on. DH also has a good friend whose dad died 6m before his mum. He didn't come to the funeral either. I suspect it's because it was too close to home for him too, with the raw feelings he was having.

I suspect that what you are going through is just too close for comfort for your friend. Try not too make any rash decisions about her behaviour, even though you feel hurt that she isn't there. Rely on those who are your rock right now, cling to them as they will pull you through this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are just no words.

Coldhandscoldheart · 02/10/2016 04:55

Lemon, checking in a bit late for the darkest hours watch. I hope you're getting some sleep. Hoping you have a peaceful day.

maybethedayafter · 02/10/2016 05:00

Just checking in while I'm up for a night feed. Hope you're getting some rest.

icklekid · 02/10/2016 06:31

Hoping your resting. Still praying. You are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you.

saffronwblue · 02/10/2016 07:05

Checking in - hope it has been a peaceful night for you all.

Allatseainthemidlands · 02/10/2016 07:40

Good morning lemon. Holding you and your family in our thoughts and prayers Flowers