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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lemon's Mum

999 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2016 11:37

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Sad

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle Hmm

OP posts:
Allatseainthemidlands · 01/10/2016 07:06

Good morning lemon. Just dropping by to see how you are and to say we are still here and praying for a peaceful passing for your lovely mum. You are being so courageous. And it's so hard. Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 01/10/2016 07:10

Thinking of you xx

saffronwblue · 01/10/2016 07:13

Have courage, lemon. You will get through this.

maybethedayafter · 01/10/2016 07:24

Just dropping in to say that I thinking of you this morning. I like that quote about being lucky to have something it's so hard to say goodbye to. The last thing you must feel right now is lucky but there are things to be thankful for - not only all the years and memories you have had, but you are there now for your mum's final moments and to support and be supported by your dad and brother.

I hope you were able to get some rest.

IsItOnTheTrolley · 01/10/2016 07:32

Morning Lemon, wishing for a peaceful day for you and your family. Keeping you in my thoughts. 🌻🌻🌻

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 01/10/2016 07:38

Thanks all. DF and me have slipped home again for sleep. Never been so joyful to get into my bed.

OP posts:
GingerbreadLatteToGo · 01/10/2016 07:46

I hope you can sleep 😴💤💤💤

SingaSong12 · 01/10/2016 07:54

Hope you had a good sleep

scater · 01/10/2016 08:53

Dearest Lemon

I just wanted to add my thoughts and prayers to the many you have already received.
I also want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings at this time. So many of us disappear into insular bubbles at times like this and your openness about how your mum is going is so beautiful ( I hope this doesn't sound too weird).

Hoping you get some rest and peace, with many loving thoughts for you and your family, scatter.

Coldhandscoldheart · 01/10/2016 08:59

Persistent nights do make you feel like shite, even without all the other things. The only advice I have is to drink plenty of water, and try to eat easily digestible things. I used to find plain live yoghurt good.
You feel so sick partly because your digestive system is not expecting to be awake.

FarelyKnuts · 01/10/2016 09:48

Checking in Lemon. Lots of love and care coming to you x Flowers

HexBramble · 01/10/2016 10:54

Me too, Lemon. Sending positive and gentle thoughts from Swansea.Flowers

PootlewasthebestFlump · 01/10/2016 12:16

Thinking of you Lemon.

We had a cot on the floor of my dad's room - could you do that? I power napped on it and it stopped me hallucinating after all nighter number 3.

It sounds like it's close now though Lemon. We noticed a different 'feel' too. Hold on. Be strong.

boo2410 · 01/10/2016 12:20

Hi Lemon, just dropped in, hope you're darling Mum is peaceful. Still thinking of you all. Take care. Flowers Flowers No poxy football this time, sorry about that!

Fanlightfanny · 01/10/2016 12:35

Hi Lemon only me again. I've been catching up on all the posts. So lovely people all over the world are thinking of you and your family. Prayers here for you too. God bless you all.

Queenbean · 01/10/2016 12:55

Checking in Lemon and still thinking of you Flowers

boobyooby · 01/10/2016 13:35

Hi Lemon,

Hopefully you are catching up on some sleep - take it easy on yourself and hope you feel more rested in a bed! Have you thought about taking in your own pillows tonight to try and be more comfy?

Allatseainthemidlands · 01/10/2016 13:59

Hi lemon just checking in. Prayers for you and all the family- that you will know you are wrapped up in the care of many people and that you are not alone Flowers

dailymaillazyjournos · 01/10/2016 14:55

Another one just checking in to say thinking of you lots.

Julius02 · 01/10/2016 15:21

Hi Lemon. I haven't posted before but have been following your thread, and just wanted to wish you well. I faced a similar situation with my mother a few years ago - different circumstances but the same outcome. The waiting and the inevitability of what is going to happen is so stressful - I know it's hard to do but please try and look after your own health and wellbeing - at one point the medical staff told me they would bar me from the ward if I didn't take some time to myself to eat and sleep. I didn't want to listen but of course they were right. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you.

Potentialmadcatlady · 01/10/2016 16:17

Thinking of you..I know how hard it is...

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 01/10/2016 16:22

Thanks for checking in on me lovely ladies.

DF and I got 2.5hrs sleep which is apparently enough for 15 mins of energy as have completely crashed again.

DM hasn't woken up at all today. Her breathing sounds all shallow and weirdly crackley Star

Reflecting a bit on relationships today..

Long story short my BF of 10 years and me have lived mirrored lives pretty much to the extent that her DM was diagnosed as terminal around the time mine was (hers is still doing well for the Mo).

When my DM was first diagnosed as terminal last May I went pretty off the rails (I found out same day I moved out my ex fiances house so I had some mebtalness to work out) I wasn't unkind to her or anything but I could see my self destructive behaviour was annoying her a bit. Anyway I got myself straight and more or less back to normal barring a few drunk outbursts, bit that seems to have been enough for her to not want me any more. We've met up once since April, all other times she's been busy.

Idk, its maybe that she's finally moved out her parents place and hangs out with a new druggy crowd (I can't keep up, stimulants mess me up) or maybe I'm just a bit of an embarrassment to her now.

She's sent me a few texts in the past couple of months but only when I've text her first with an update. The last WhatsApp I sent two days ago telling her that the end was near for DM she has received but not replied despite be online.

Its hard as she's a very, very closed off person emotionally, she always is a bit scornful of people who display lots of emotion (good or bad).

I think I'm going to stop contacting her now as I feel pathetic chasing after her the whole time.

I had this idea waaaay back when (when my Mum was diagnosed the first time around and she was the first person I phoned crying) that she'd support me and come to the funeral etc but its not happened. Seems very very sad especially since she'll be going through this in a few months time. We lived together for nearly 5 years and used to be like sisters.

I miss her like mad but do you all think it'd be wise to leave it now for the sake of my self esteem? Sad

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 01/10/2016 16:55

Yes sweetheart- leave it. Friendships wax and wane and sometimes disappear. Things may improve, they may not, and as sad as it is there isn't much you can do about it.

That said, you have every right to be bitterly disappointed and upset that she hasn't been there for you. Perhaps she can't deal with the reality when she knows she and her family will go through similar? But that's not exactly fair to you when you are so in need of support.

It's at times like this that you find out who your friends are and who you can rely on

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 01/10/2016 16:57

You really do don't you! I received amazing support from people I didn't consider close friends up until now. And MN, of course! Smile

OP posts:
dailymaillazyjournos · 01/10/2016 16:59

How sad about your relationship with BF. It's so hard if you miss her friendship but the fact that you have sorted yourself out and she is still hanging out with a druggy crowd isn't great. It's so easy to get back into that situation. Drugs cloud people's judgement and it maybe that along with her DM's illness, she's not able to make great choices about friendships. You sound like the exact sort of friend she needs but at the moment she doesn't sound like the sort of friend you need.

At the moment with so much stress and sadness around your DM. along with your exhausted state, I don't think it's the best time to make decisions, but I certainly think leaving it for now is the best thing you could do. You need to be surrounded with supportive, caring and kind people right now. I'd not be chasing her. Someone closed off emotionally is not a helpful trait in terms of what makes a good friend because as soon as emotions get 'too much' for her, she will just bang the lid shut on them because she can't deal this strong emotion by the sounds of it.