Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

DS1 has died

729 replies

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2016 22:25

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 30/08/2016 17:47

endoftheline, the closeness of your family is apparent in your every post - I hope you can all be of some support to each other.

No parent should ever have to live through what you are going through.

I agree that the practical stuff should be made as easy as possible and it is puzzling that it's not.

It is not uncommon for drug users to come to harm after they apparently did quite well for a while, their tolerance has decreased and they then come across unusually strong or contaminated stuff. IME authorities/police are interested, but often quite impotent about changing anything.

Yy to 'It's the illness, not the person'. Your DS did not kill himself, the drugs did, and his using them was his illness.

endofthelinefinally · 30/08/2016 17:48

I am just letting a few people at a time know.

One person from school, one from university and so on.
then the bush telegraph/facebook will do the rest.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2016 17:48

The legal formalities tend to grind slowly. You just do whatever you have to to stay sane.

Where I live there is some really bad stuff going around. Fake Norco which has been laced with Fentanyl. There were 52 overdoses with 14 fatalities in a 30 day period. And it appears to be spreading across the nation. There is a special place in hell for someone who would do this. I do think the legal authorities care. The authorities here went on TV, social media, and put up posters warning people to be careful. It's just that that the drug community is pretty tight-lipped and won't turn in dealers for fear of reprisal or legal consequences for themselves.

endofthelinefinally · 30/08/2016 17:52

DS2 is completely shell shocked.
He can't even put a sentence together.

He and DD are just sitting together holding each other.

His friends have been round and will keep coming back.

OP posts:
Kalispera · 30/08/2016 17:56

I don't think there's anything I can write that would remotely help.

Your family sounds wonderful. Just take care of each other. Flowers

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 30/08/2016 18:05

Like your friends, your family, the rest of us here - I care. Such deepest thoughts with you.

IvysMum12 · 30/08/2016 18:14

You poor lady. May I suggest you get in touch with your daughter's university in case she needs time at home with you all before she starts? They may also be able to offer her counselling and support.
Take one day at a time.
x

endofthelinefinally · 30/08/2016 18:20

Thank you Ivy.

We have decided that DD should go for the first week of term. It is important that she doesn't miss out on that.
It may be another 3-4 weeks until we can arrange the funeral so she can come back for that.
There is so much important stuff that happens in the first week or so - I don't want her to be the late arrival in her peer group.
She has informed the course director who will inform her tutors, but she will decide if and when she confides in her class mates.
Her uncle will take her and see her safely settled in.
Her prospective flatmate is a good friend and will support her.
In a way it means she doesn't have to carry this with her every waking moment. She can have the opportunity and time to put down this burden for a little rest. Then pick it up again refreshed.

OP posts:
Comejointhemurder · 30/08/2016 19:01

He was loved. He still is. He always will be.

I am so very sorry.

magimedi · 30/08/2016 19:43

What a lovely post, Comejoin.

Hold on to that, endoftheline - that love will never vanish.

With much love & sympathy from a stranger on the internet.

Flowers
BelleEtoile · 30/08/2016 21:27

I am so sorry for your loss OP.
Wishing you and your family all the strength in the world to get through the next few days and weeks. xxx

bookworm14 · 30/08/2016 21:40

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

FeralBeryl · 30/08/2016 22:57

Endof just popping by, you've been in my thoughts lots today. I hope you've managed to eat something however small.
I found it really helpful ( maybe your DS may?) to arrange a playlist of his brothers 'songs' it's another task oriented activity which may keep his mind occupied for a while. I found playing this and looking at many, many photos really helped me during the drowning early stage.
Sorry that was incoherent rambling.
Flowers

SilverShins · 31/08/2016 02:23

The things you've managed to do today are amazing. Thinking of you Endof.

endofthelinefinally · 31/08/2016 07:19

Having a bit of a wobble today.

I can't face going into his room. I don't know when I am going to be able to do it.

I am going to have to sort out his things and I feel as if I can't breathe.

I seem to be going to bed very late and waking very early. It makes the day so long.

I was calm yesterday and today I feel desperate again.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 31/08/2016 07:22

You don't have to sort his stuff out until you're ready to do it OP. Take it one minute at a time.

KoalaDownUnder · 31/08/2016 07:27

You poor thing. Just breathe and be kind to yourself. FlowersSad

useryourillusion · 31/08/2016 07:38

I am so, so sorry for you and all your family, my thoughts, love and prayers are with you.
You truly are amazing, everything you are doing in the face of this pain and tragedy, organising matters and what is truly amazing, supporting and considering for everyone else.... it is obvious from where your son inherited at least some of his kindness and empathy.
The selfless deeds he did will stand, even though he isn't here anymore.
Please don't forget yourself in the midst of all of this, even if it is as little as taking some calming breaths and acknowledging how you feel.
Apologies if this is clunky and poorly put. I hope you find the strength to keep going and survive.
All the very, very best to you xx

Mama1980 · 31/08/2016 07:50

I'm so very sorry, just keep breathing and take all the time you need, no rush to do anything, sending love and strength x

Kr1stina · 31/08/2016 08:15

I hope you got some sleep

Just wanted to say that I couldn't go into my daughter's bedroom for weeks, because it smelled of her. Someone else went in to get essential items .

I also struggled to do the washing that was in the laundry basket because her clothes were there too. Then I couldn't do the next load of washing because it DIDNT have her clothes in it.

I struggled to do s supermarket shop, because I was automatically buying the things that she liked .

I remember almost having some sort of breakdown in the mayonnaise aisle at Safeway becaue I used to always buy Hellmann because she insisted that it tasted better. But I'd always say there was no difference and buy the stores own brand as we were on a budget .

Then I was overcome with guilt and grief that I'd not always bought her the one she wanted . It someone became symbolic of what a useless mother I was and how I'd failed her ( of course it was nonsense but that's how I felt at the time )

There's so many everyday tasks that suddenly become agonising because they are connected in some way to the loved one we have lost .

And grief comes out in some crazy ways. All this is quite normal . You are not going mad, but sometimes it can feel like that .

Kr1stina · 31/08/2016 08:18

Sorry that didn't even make sense. My daughter wanted me to buy Hellmanns but id argue that it was no different . Sometimes I'd get the one she wanted , depending on how much £ we had .

I can't even explain it property now and it was 15 years ago Blush

SugarMiceInTheRain · 31/08/2016 08:20

I'm so sorry. Take life minute by minute, that is all you can do for now. Thanks and a massive hug.

Ilovenannyplum · 31/08/2016 08:21

OP I'm so very sorry, the world is so cruel sometimes.
Take care of yourself x

Footle · 31/08/2016 08:22

Kr1stina, my situation is not the same but the nonHellman's mayonnaise= inadequate mother bit is spot on.
Dear OP, thinking of you.

Willow2016 · 31/08/2016 10:55

Endof

It must be so hard, you will face his room when you are ready and ready to accept the tears it will bring, there is nothing that anyone can say that will make going in there better for you, I sincerely wish I could wave a magic wand and make it easier.

You need to take care of yourself as well as the rest of the family, I know being busy will make the day go slightly quicker but when those dark, numb, terrifying 'moments' come let them, let yourself feel what you need to feel and then take another small 'step'. Take strength from each other and from friends and family.

Sending very un-mumsnet hugs to you all. Flowers