DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

DH is going to sort that out today.
A friend is coming to take DH to pick up DS's things fro the police station.
His friends have been lovely.

Just had a bizarre conversation with a debt collection company.
DS tried to cancel his gym membership when he lost his job. They wouldn't let him then set the debt collectors on him.

I spoke to someone with zero people skills. Even after I told him DS had died, and gave him all the references etc he said "so what can I help you with today?"

Even after I explained again and asked about sending a death certificate he still didn't seem to grasp it. Asked me if I would like the email or postal address.

At least everyone else had the decency to say they were sorry. Not this company.

Sigh.

I am just doing all this while I am still numb. I think it will be harder the longer I wait.

darumafan - so sorry for your loss.

If you can sort things whilst you are in a state of shock then do it.

I'm glad your Dhs friends are being good. Tragedies do show you the best and worst in people's responses.
I'm not surprised by the gym membership person, if it's not in the script then they are lost.
You will be so raw at the moment dealing with others insensitivity will be very difficult.

Wishing you strength to get through today.

So very sorry to hear of your loss, endoftheline.

The inappropriate gym membership jolly script is one I encountered when dealing with stuff after my DH's sudden death a couple of months ago:
Idiot: So could you send certified copy of the death certificate?
Me: Of course.
Idiot: Is that all?
Me: Thank you, yes.
Idiot: Well have wonderful rest of your day.
Me: I've been ringing you about my dead husband. No, I won't have a wonderful day.

This was the Australian Tax Office, where all calls are recorded, so I hope Idiot got hung out to dry.

echt - so sorry for your loss of your DH.

Some call centre people just don't engage brain.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending love and strength

So sorry for your loss, you sound like an amazing mum. Your ds was very lucky to have you xx

I'm so sorry for your loss

minmooch and 3littlebadgers -

I am just re-reading this thread and I missed responding to some people who were kind enough to share their experience of loss.
I am calmer today.

Sorry if I missed anyone.

DH trying to speak to police about retrieving DS's things.
It is long pillar to post stuff.

It was a bank holiday weekend you see...

Does it just seem harder because of the circumstances, or could these things be made a bit easier?

so very sorry for your loss :(

So sorry to hear this about your son. I remember your other posts, if you are the same person I think you are. You were doing your very best, and then some. It's so unfair. Hope you have plenty of support there. Take care. Try to look after yourself in the midst of trying to keeping everyone else together.

Please don't feel bad about missing anyone.

People have shared their experinces because they want to reach out and support you. They know that you will come back to this thread later, when you have some time and your head is clearer. And they want you to know that someone out there cares and understands.

You don't need to add "Must respond individually to everyone on my thread " to your List of things to do .

Condolences again to all those who have lost someone recently.

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful family xxxx

Another mum here who lost my son in tragic and avoidable circs - it's three years in for us - similar family make up to yours .. Dd went back to school as planned - it did help her to maintain her routine and generally her support from school was amazing ..
It's just heartbreaking when the loss of a child is one that you know was avoidable .. So many if onlys ..
"The would have, could have, should haves will melt your brain "
Try not to go there .. Life is hard - and child loss is almost unbearable - but the human spirit is immensely strong and you will get though this - your other children will help keep you rooted in this world .. I ache for the presence of my boy very single hour - but I do feel some joy again ..
Do whatever you need to do to get through the first few weeks - and most importantly - be sure to do what YOU want - dot let anyone else tell you what's right or what's "appropriate" - grieve for him YOUR way ..
And his things ? Don't wash them all and don't feel compelled to clear them - box them away and wait .. As you feel stronger you may wish you still had them and things with his scent on ...

Much love to you from me and my family - be gentle with yourself and take time to remember the good times - spend about him - enjoy what you had - and go easy on yourself ..

I just so wish I could change this for you

DH is agitating about setting a date for the funeral.
I know it his way of coping, but I need a chance to let people know what has happened - people don't read their emails instantly, I know some family members have holiday booked. I can't choose a date until I can think straight and let everyone know and have a chance to think and check their own diaries.

Some people will want to come but have to travel a long way.

He has gone upstairs now - with his list. Bless him. This is one thing he can't fix.

I don't think you can set a date yet as you have to wait for the post mortem and for the coroner to release the body. I'm afraid there's often a bit of a delay aftre a bank holiday .

Are you having a religious or secular funeral ? If religious, you should contact the priest / vicar / Minster /rabbi / whatever . They are all very good at helping in situations like this .

You will also need funeral directors

If your husband needs to keep busy, he can plan the othet details of the funeral now.

Who to inform
What music or words you will have
Who you would like to speak / sing / play music
Who will give the eulogy and who will write it
Where it will be held
Burial or cremation
Are you having a wake afterwards ?

Etc etc. I understand the need to keep busy

Choosing music or poems etc might be something that his siblings or friends could help with . Get then to draw up a list of ideas for your approval .

They also might compose a message and choose a photo for his Facebook page / Instagram etc

So sorry for your loss

I lost my dd last year in tragic and upsetting circumstances involving drugs.
At the time i was 7mths pregnant with DD2. I can still remember so clearly opening the door to the police and I knew she was gone.

I really feel for you
Take Care.

No information from the coroner's office, no permission yet from the police to collect his things.
No explanation either.

We just have to wait.

Friends have called round in relays today which has been enormously helpful.

I am having a G&T before phoning another couple of friends when I can be confident that their husbands will be home.

Lots of people I can't get in contact with.

I am so sorry xxxx

coco that is dreadful.

I understand there has been a spate of similar deaths locally recently.
Whatever it is, it is lethal stuff and not the "usual".
We don't know yet.

I don't think anybody in authority cares or is interested though.

No news from the police or coroners office is quite usual I'm afraid. It does take some time and doesn't mean that there's any problem IYSWIM.

Do you want to notify people yourself ? You don't have to unless you feel you should be the one to do it. it's the kind of thing that a friend or family member could do for you. I know how distressing it is :-(