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Original poster

DS1 has died

729 replies

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2016 22:25

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 09:05

DD has gone to university.
BIL has taken her on the train and he will come back tonight.

It is the right thing for her to do. She had a bad hour last night - lots of tears and regrets, but she needs to go.

She has a great support network there.

I put on a brave face and waved her off, but now I feel bereft all over again.

The day stretches before me and I can't think of a single task that I can face doing.

DH is going through the photo albums but I just keep crying, which isn't helping.

Then I tried looking at funeral flowers - same thing so can't do that either.

Can't even face a cup of tea.

OP posts:
Footle · 01/09/2016 09:07

Cup of tea. It's a start.

darumafan · 01/09/2016 09:10

A cup of tea is a good start, don't worry about the flowers yet. You don't have to do it this morning. I remember feeling exactly the same, everything was so difficult. I'm going to PM you xx

Footle · 01/09/2016 09:12

Got that kettle on , love ?

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 09:19

DD is 5 hours away.
She will come back in good time for the funeral, but I am going to struggle without her.

DS2 is still in a state of shock. He is curled up in Dd's bed - she took the floor last night as she can sleep on the train this morning.

BIL is a star. He will take good care of her and see her safely into the care of her flatmate. It will be a long day for him - he will get back here around 10pm then have a 40 minute drive home.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 09:22

What on earth am I going to do today?

I have got around 15 hours to fill and try not to think.

There is ironing - about 30 minutes worth.

I can't face going out.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 01/09/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeralBeryl · 01/09/2016 11:07

Hello lovely,
Hope you've had that cuppa (I know I'm like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted) do you feel like you could go for a little walk somewhere? Or do you have a journal that would help get your thoughts into without having to physically talk.

Someone said to me in the early stages - if you really can't do anything, make the choice to do absolutely nothing. It stops the panicky feeling that you aren't achieving things.
Sending love and strength Flowers

Isittimeforwineyet · 01/09/2016 11:13

Just wanted to post to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. Definitely keep posting, and talking through this FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 16:25

My goodness what a day.
The door and phone have not stopped ringing.
DD is safely in her flat.

I am shattered.

But very humbled and amazed.

Ds's friends have advised me to look for a venue for around 250 people for the wake.

I wish he knew how many people loved him.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 16:27

That is not including our family/friends.

I have no idea where to begin.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 01/09/2016 16:37

endoftheline, just posting to let you know I have been thinking of you.

I have recently attended the funeral of a young person at a crematorium. The funeral before the one I attended was of a young person too Sad.
Both were attended by literally hundreds of people - it was very touching (and caused a traffic chaos at the car park...).
It was a friend's daughter who had died and she had planned her own funeral including the request for her friends to wear red. Well, there was a sea of red, all the young woman done up to the nines, most young men wore at least a red tie, some had brought red balloons. It was such a life-affirming sight and exactly what she would have wanted. It also very much reflected her personality and the service was a reflection of her life.

I am of course not suggesting you do anything like that, but maybe think about what might reflect your DS? What was he like? What did he like? Do his friends want to be involved in the planning?
On a practical side, the undertaker should be able to advise you on possible venues - please don't let that stress you.

One minute, one breath, one step at a time. No pressure to 'achieve' anything. I agree with that your only ambition should be to be.
Thanks

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/09/2016 16:55

His friends have been lovely.

We are all agreed that he would love a great party with champagne and lots of dessert.

One of his closest friends sent flowers "bright, colourful and fun" to reflect his personality.

So - we will make it bright, colourful and fun.

OP posts:
obsessedlex · 01/09/2016 16:57

I am so so sorry for your loss xxx

RavioliOnToast · 01/09/2016 17:07

I'm so sorry for your loss EndOf Flowers

polarbearshuffle · 01/09/2016 17:09

I've just read this thread and want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Your strength and your family's strength amazes me. Flowers

Tuktuktaker · 01/09/2016 18:43

I can't think how you are living through this. Every, every, sympathy to you and your entire family. RIP, your bright, colourful son. Flowers FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2016 18:57

endof I think that's lovely.

When DS1 lost a friend (at age 14) the family requested that we all wear Hawaiian shirts or the brightest colours we could find. It was so lovely to see us all in our bright colours and a real celebration of who she was. She would have loved it.

Hooleywhipper · 01/09/2016 23:34

You are in my thoughts OPFlowers

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 02/09/2016 00:05

I was falling sleep on the sofa, so went to bed.
Couldn't fall asleep there so back up having another cup of tea.

I am so, so tired, but I just can't sleep. Sad

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 02/09/2016 00:21

You are also in my thoughts, OP. Words can't express really Thanks

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 02/09/2016 00:36

I received a lovely sympathy card from the police officers who came to tell us. Handwritten and signed with their first names.

They must have popped it through the door when I was upstairs.

They were so lovely and kind.

They were so sorry about the 5 hour delay - because DS died in the neighbouring borough, it was that borough's police service who attended the scene. They didn't tell my local police until 5 hours later.

I was at home, waiting for DS - I even texted him, during that time, but he was already dead. Sad

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Kr1stina · 02/09/2016 07:53

That was very kind of the police to do that .

It does help, doesn't it, when people acknowledge our loss and respect our grief.

CauliflowerBalti · 02/09/2016 08:04

My love... My heart aches for you. Having been responsible for sorting out my Dad's affairs when he died unexpectedly, I can tell you that most of the companies you speak to will be woefully unprepared for this - as if people dying is a Very New Thing - and you will have many painful, repeated conversations trying to sort out what should be very simple, and for that I am sorry.

Your plans for the funeral and wake sound good. Bright and celebratory.

And your son sounds like he was a really great person. Generous, well-loved. I'm sorry he couldn't see that, but you did good. You raised a good human being, and he did the best he could.

Keep busy. Keep posting. Don't question the way you are feeling - I should be doing better today, I was calm yesterday. I should go out, I can't stay in forever. I should start to clear his room... There is no should. I always likened it to swimming the Channel. Sometimes you make good forward progress. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes you just lie on your back and stare at the sky, too exhausted to do anything other than be and stay alive. Sometimes the current takes you back a few steps. Sometimes you sink. But you'll come back up and you'll make it through.

It's just so fucking unfair that you have to. Feel free to punch anyone who says, it's times like these that make you appreciate how strong you are.

I don't need testing. I don't want these strengths. They're rubbish.

I hope today is an OK day.

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 02/09/2016 18:15

Lots of cards and letters today.
And the interim death certificate from the coroners office.

Hit me all over again seeing it there in black and white.

Ds2 has gone out with his friends again.

DD is away, so just DH and I sitting here wondering what to do next.

I think I am going to have a glass of wine because I can't face doing anything else. I am surrounded by beautiful flowers.

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