DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

Sorry @simonisnotme
I haven't been back to my thread.
I am just pulling myself together after getting through Christmas. I find it such a struggle.
It doesn't get any easier and I am dreading the anniversary and next Christmas.
If it wasn't for the fact that I have a responsibility to keep going for DH, DS2 and DD, I would honestly rather not be here.

I am so sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with you.x

I know how you feel endof
my Ds,s birthday is halfway through January and I just keep thinking 'if only' we had said/done something etc maybe he would still be here

I know.
The sense of guilt and "if only" is awful.

What I realise now is that it is impossible to get any help for someone over the age of 18, no matter how desperately mentally ill they are. If Ds had collapsed with appendicitis and I had taken him to A&E, I am sure they would have treated him at my request, had he been unable to get himself there independently.

However, if someone is severely mentally unwell, they have to be able to make appointments, travel to the surgery or hospital of their own volition or else nobody will help. So the person who is so unwell they can't function is essentially left to die.

@simonisnotme
Thinking of you.
DS would have been 30 this year. A special birthday.
It is so hard to get through the special dates.
His friends have been so lovely.
Over a hundred messages on his page. It is comforting to know they remembered.
I have had some lovely personal messages too.
I hope you have support and love around you.

Oh endof my heart broke for you reading this, and for the other ladies in the same situation (sorry didn't note everyone's names)... I can't begin to imagine what you've been through and continue to do so... I know sometimes words don't mean much but I hope it is some small comfort that others are here thinking of you. I hope you are still being kind to yourself xx

It is relentless.
I think about him all the time. Reliving memories from the moment of his birth to the day he died. I hide it better now but the pain never stops.

I hear you endof.

I always wonder if my son were alive (would now have left uni and be on the next stage of life) would I think of him as often as I do now he's no longer here? I have another son away at uni and I worry I don't think of him enough.

Big hugs lovely. Xx

Thanks minmooch.
My other DC have left home. I miss them but at least I can talk to them, we can visit each other. Of course I worry - especially about DS2 who is lost without his brother.
But I know they are alive and living their lives.
It isn't this terrible, aching, constant grief and sense of loss that is in my head and my heart every single day. If it wasn't for the understanding of other bereaved parents, I would go mad.

Hello, @endofthelinefinally. Sorry you didn't get a response to your last heartfelt post. Please excuse me as I haven't been in your situation but have you found any kind of bereavement counselling helps? Has your GP recommended any anti-depressants? They helped me out of a very dark time and though I resisted them at the time, I found them a real help.

Two and a half years.
I still set too many places this evening. Then had to take one place setting away and went and cried in the kitchen.

I wondered if you had seen this endof? I like it very much.

Thank you.
That is lovely.
DS1 would have liked that.

That is very lovely.

My youngest son read that at my eldest son's funeral. It has given me much comfort over the years.

Big hugs endof it's still such early days xxx

God, I can't bear another
"mothers' day".

I can't imagine how hard it is for you. You are still his lovely mum though

Days like Mother's Day are particularly hard. You feel you should be grateful for your loving child/ren yet my heart screams for my missing child. It doesn't matter how many living children you have, it's the lost child that ......, actually I'm not sure of the right words.

Big hugs endof

Thanks Minmooch and Merry.
It has been a horrid weekend so far. Just want to get it over with.

My other DC have been lovely, but we all miss him so much.
DH and I have both cried a lot this weekend.
Sometimes it is just too hard.

I wish things could be different for you. You have faced the worst thing possible; worse than dying yourself. It's so bloody unfair for you and Minnoch also and especially for your boys

We all care and are here for you.

Sorry minmooch

I hate bank holiday weekends. Sigh.

Me too @endofthelinefinally .
I'm sat here missing my Dd so much . The pain is unbearable.

I know.
The weather is lovely and all I can think is how much DS loved the sunshine.
There is no end in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just grief.